Things happening lately:

being diametrically opposed to something yet still obsessed by it. (v day schpiel)

olympics- media americanization of grief (valuing the "brave face")

night out in northampton w/ "mate".

wanting a shot of adrenaline to get myself moving:

Tattoo ideas

pilates

dream of opening skater land

Last night - after spending saturday in the usual remy ithching to "do something" besides buy groceries and sweep the floor, I put on an episode of Mad men, sat him down on the bed and made him watch it with me. He suggests we go "boire un coup" which I ask him to explain. I wonder if he is actually suggesting that we go drink a beer together. I mean, that's a hard concept for me to really get. I guess maybe i associate bars with places to you go to get drunk and get guys numbers and/ or just go to w/ your friend to be admired by lonely losers drinking alone. Plus, i've done it before and remy is a pretty hard core drag at a bar. I remember like just downing beer and it having little effect on me because I'm with someone I'm so obviously going to go home with it's like my body doesn't even register the wild/inhibiting nature of beer. So I just get full and feel fat and burp, and then we drive home to no great fanfare.

Anyway, that's what he meant. So I was like what the hell, and we go. I make him drive. As we pull out of the driveway I half-joking suggest we play the "who would you want to go home with if you weren't in a relationship" game. He says that wouldn't end well he's possibly right. I don't know how it would end, I just know that this evening out will be so boring that we may as well play something so darkly sarcastic and depressing. After checking out a few bars "too crowded", "too expensive", "too many hipsters", we settle on Hugo's. We sit opposite one another (not my choice) and c'est parti. I get cabin fever, he gets steel rail. I spend the next hour + half alternatively wanting him to marry me and wondering how I should break up with him. I start the conversation asking him which characters on Mad Men he found intruiging. "None". I said, well we have nothing else to talk about.

The mood elevated once we got a 4th beer for free (end of the keg) and we were feeling pretty buzzed, too buzzed to remember that we were possibly no longer in love or ever were. Being drunk, the conversation drifted toward how I enjoy wonderful friendships with my exes and he is entitled to the same. I told him I haven't read him email in quite a while - 6 months? a year? and that even when I did it was due to my own self-hate. We briefly referenced his ex who wouldn't stop texting him while I was visiting last summer. It was so fricking annoying and weird. He eventually told her off and she now never talks to him. In my drunkenness I told him that I was over her, while I truly am, like I know that I wouldn't want to be her friend cuz I can sense her vibe + i don't like her vibe.

[End of entry 4 now...]

Der

hey all.

well, I'm currently feeling dumb because I just saw comments left here by a friend! Duh. I thought blogger was sposed to notify me of that or something? i have a prettier blog at tumblr now, request link, fans!

Anyway let's talk about valentine's day. Mine looked something like this. saturday afternoon, the 13th, i spend the day doing errands w/remy. we get back home, he weirdly says that he has to "go to northampton" randomly by bus. I know why. I go "I didn't get you anything either for valentines day, just so you know." this starts a conversation of how he doesn't know what to get me anyway, why don't we just go out to eat or something.

He didn't catch the hints I have been dropping for the past week - i want another orchid. I want a white orchid + they sell them at trader joes where we go at least 3 times a week.

not to mention that an amazing boyfriend would get me a diamond ring under my pillow as I wake up to breakfast in bed and all I am asking for is a fricking orchid, but whatever that's another story.

We go our separate ways - him to play guitar like an autistic child for an hour, me to make banana pudding + listen to this american life. As I'm stirring it over in my x chromosoned brain I'm starting to feel pretty pissed that he waits until today to "panic" and get me some shit I don't need, only to suggest we go out to eat since it is easier. Is a little romance too much to ask of this guy?

Cue the waterworks. we have a little stupid fight ala valentines day fight, he puts on his winter coat + announces that he will be back in 45 minutes.

I know where he is going. He is biking to traders to get me my stupid orchid that he hadn't thought hard enough to get me in the first place.

Wonderful.

He comes back with a dozen pink roses from whole foods. Am I supposed to be like, swooning over the romantic gesture of him biking in 20 degree weather to get me a stupid gift at the last minute?

The flowers are past bloom and probably too expensive. Since he can't hide them, he presents them to me, I smile but not really, and I tell him to find a vase because I don't have one. They're gonna be dead soon anyway, but whatever.

THAT'S WHY I WANTED AN ORCHID.

Happy valentine's day. I spent the morning dressed in my PJs watching the sopranos, then took a bath and half heartedly shaved my legs- I guess I owe it to my partner to look half decent in the sack.

I am uttlery convinced that Valentine's is destined to be miserable all around. Like, no one wins. Except the single people knowing that they are going home alone tonight! it's a beautiful thing.

x x x x x x!!!!!