well hello. immediate memory: waking up late + spending day with simone walking around smith.
things are so changing...
you know this scene from some movie, where there is a dude chasing a girl who is chasing a guy + they're all running around. Like, you are either being chased or chasing someone, or both. I feel like it's cyclical or something.
Lately jon has been texting/ messaging me and I think, knowing that sweet guy, that he is idealizing our relationship and wishing/ wondering/ sulking. It's ok. i knew pretty obviously that we were better friends, but I remember when we first broke up him calling me crying and asking "is this really it". It was, but it wasn't. I have nothing but awesome feelings about the guy. Total sweetheart.
case b: dude from hometown who I crushed on hard from grade 8-12 while he dated all my friends. friday night drunk me sat down with my pilates mat + gchat signed in. Sure enough he chats me, he's miserable eating microwaved fish on a friday night with no girlfriend and saying these things like he loves me or that I should come visit him in Utah. He's so wanting that wife + kids to spend his lawyer money on. Too bad he got considerably less hot in the less decade.
In reality, as much as he's saying, he's not "really" saying anything. Like it's all coated in joke so it hurts him less if I reject him. as a side note, I'm also confused because he is a mormon, and like I haven't really taken his advances seriously for that reason too. So i keep smilingly brushing him off. If he wants to come to me seriously like I were cameron diaz in some rom com then it's another story.
example c: each day that goes on I glorify my relationship from 2001-2003. like if these were the olden days I'm sure i would have married that guy, jealousy and exes and all, and we would have had beautiful children. But we're a more advanced species, i guess, and now I'm with a guy who I'm just good with and wondering what could have been with the one who nearly broke my brain with crying. So there I was remy away in canada + thinking how we all just slip away from each other. And this one once so dear to me now is a 7-year old memory and in my dreams we are embracing and smiling and feeling extreme happiness in each others arms. A big shot out to vino verde as well for this saturday night lonelyfest/ gchat confession box.
So now I have little to no employment, which probably isn't the worst thing in the world, as I have space to make lists of things that I would actually wish to do. ESOL teaching is up there on that list, but I just need to work my contacts, and also acquire some more education/ slash/ work experience and confidence. Perhaps a pill could also help me with that. gotta go.
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