December

I remember when I was younger I wanted to write more, it was a daily thing.  Youth has that obsession with vanity and perception. Image. It's hard to admit that my professional life kind of takes the priority. Now it's all about the thinking brain, the executive function, and it's like the creative brain is only "when I have no other work to do" or on vacations like this one. Like debrae noticed "my creative chakra is blown out". What she must have meant is the literal "creation" that I do every day for my students, in my lesson and my fucking worksheets and tests that I make up for them. 

I had my physical yesterday. She had me strip down (only to sort of feel my breasts from over the medical gown??) and listen me coughing? Was that necessary? So that I had to answer all of her questions in my unshaved legs and socks. She has a very *professional* bedside manner which comes off as very efficient, sparkly, while also letting me know that any pause I make in my speech or "um" as I go to formulate a question are probably delaying her in her schedule, and also I'm not the one who went to medical school. I wanted to talk about why I wanted to try an antidepressant again, but I know that if I went too far into that she doesn't have the time or interest to deal with that. 

I think it's time. I've been selling myself the "I'm an au naturel type of girl" and declined pills OR therapy OR accupuncture OR whatever else. So I'm doing nothing to manage my growing anxiety and depressive funk. Plus I'm looking for other things in my life to change too. Just want to feel happier and that I have more energy to do things.

Anyway, she gave me a Rx so here we go again.

When the nurse asked a few questions, I felt the urge to cry. When someone asks you how you are and then suddenly you feel vulnerable and realize that you aren't well. She asked me if my 5-HTP is working. I laughed and said "no" hahaha. First time I have said that.

I am developing a fantasy to go to Quebec city next summer. A life where I go away during the summers. 

34 34 34. This number is looming a shadow over me. Why? Do I really want to be 30 pounds heavier and never sleep, struggle financially, etc.? Already? I walk around in a kind of "I know I'm old" cloud, it takes me longer to look good, my hair is out of style, my eye makeup probably makes me look older, to not have the bags under my eyes, I look exhausted because I am exhausted. Because I am 34. I've lived a lot. 

Xmas is really weird this year, with my sister going through a horrible funk. My grandma will ask me the following 2 questions on repeat because of her dementia: "Do you have a boyfriend" "How old are you". I will hopefully answer just once and encourage my relatives to do the same.  I guess I am a slow bloomer in terms of relationships. I am happy to accept that, the uncertainly is just a killer. 

I am sitting here on 12/23, it is 60 degrees but raining, Nico is in his bed sleeping, Margot and candy are on the couch with me.  It is a perfect day for hanging in my sweet new apartment, which is quiet and free of noisy neighbors or bad smells. I have vball tonight and will hopefully grab a bite at twisted soul later. I will maybe run into that girl Zoe and even try to have a new friendship with her!

I miss when I was a better writer. My readers must feel like it's one of those conversations where it's never the time to say "i gotta go" and so your friend just waxes poetic about the nothing that's going on in their life. Cuz I forget the pressing need to express or communicate. 

Do you really need to know how it was awkward to wait forever to have my blood taken only to have that bitchy lady hardly even speak with me like I was a fellow human being. "Make a fist"... she sucks! But who cares?  

 

Fwd: salut

 Rare G period break. Insanely busy lately. 

JV's first game today. Ours tomorrow. This month will hopefully "speed" by but I am concerned that I am living my life with that mantra way too much. Like a living for xmas and spring and summer breaks. "Then" I can relax. 

Even the social things I have going on like cause me stress. Always walking that balance. Like to the point that I am considering cancelling all plans on my birthday because I am afraid I will be too bus and stressed. isn't that lame? This weekend I will meet my "boyfriend's" parents, I put that in quotes because he is moving to Martha's Vineyard in March, possibly before, and I really don't know if I this guy is "the one" but it nice to have some occasional companionship. 

My school is very strange. Telma didn't sit next to me, instead making a student move so that she didn't have to sit next to me. I smiled wide at that. She is so fucking sad. I start to look around and see people so fucking clueless, new faculty coming late or not at all to important meetings, going to Anna to say that they had to go to urgent care or whatever. Because they don't take care of their bodies and get sick. So there I go on a critical spree. Everyone is leading their own life. Everyone is learning their own lessons. Julie with her sob stories about her child needing her so can I just take her attendance for her, etc. 

The subtle question behind alot of this is "Why is this job so demanding." Is this what I want for myself? Will it really get easier next year? Or will they just feel freer to call upon me to do various extra duties even more? Will i be given that nicer housing always being jingled in front of my face? Should I really look into public school teaching? Should I try to TA at new paltz next year? Should I move away from Hudson Valley? 

And the more humming noise in the background of course is, will I find the partnership I so crave, and will I build a family with that person, and when. That's sort of the "question of the day", unfortunately my job leaves little time to ponder such pressing issues. Really would like to know all that, and am now giving the universe the chance to wow me, surprise me, and to leave me breathless. I've said the words, may it now manifest in my life. 

XOXO

lovingkindness (again)

" You have to go swimming with me, or you'll get grounded"

-overheard at Puffers Pond, amherst MA. 

Driving these roads. I have driven them so many times. Western MA is where I became an adult. The bridge from early20s- 30ish. It feels like I am visiting a distant galaxy. At the main light in amherst yesterday, I saw that grey-haired petite guy Jeremy(?) crossing the street. I have seen him cross the street so many times. He must be working at amherst cinema still. At esselon, the wifi password is the same. The same staff. They recognize me. I recognize everyone. I have seen everyone before. At puffer's, women are swimming with their children. Amherst school committee members are gossiping at Cushman's.

A fire siren just made me panicked. That my old apartment with my dear animal friends inside was on fire. That was my instinct always. 

At times I hated living here. I hated the liberal earth friendly people who seemed so alike. I hated how they all were into good vibes yet headed to Trader Joe's in hoardes at the exact same time and all were annoyed when you drove too slow or cut in front of them at Whole Foods. I hated the fucking students who swamped the region with their parents. 

Now, I love all of them. At a distance it is easier to just love the charm of it all. How special it is, this area of the world. Like few others. 

I am another you: In Lak'ech Ala K'in.

So jam packed, these few days. Trying to milk the most of my time here, people people people. Frank, rihannon, maribel, deb, leopoldo, ben, stephen, josie, all in 2 days. And a swim. It's summer. 

What has summer taught me? That's on my mind. How will I weave its lessons into this coming year? Some ideas:

I want to laugh more often. I would like to watch Seinfeld and South Park for this purpose. It should be a daily task. Just watch something at night that makes me laugh.

I want to keep my apt. cleaner. 

I want to keep an "alter" near my bed which is clean of dust/ dirt, where I will keep my crystals and stones displayed and in sunlight's path. 

I want to keep my social life separate from my work life. I want to hang out less with anyone from Oakwood. Except on occasion. They are my colleagues, not my friends. 

I want to have a rich spiritual life. That means: reading things which inspire me/interest me, meditating/ deep breathing, journal writing, etc.

Physical health and attention to my nutrition will help me on my spiritual path. I want to drink only occasionally. I want to not abuse sugar if I am feeling low. I want to eat lots of real, alive food, and keep my system balanced and regular with as needed use of probiotics. That means not abusing coffee in the afternoon either. 

I want to speak french not just in my teaching. I want to make audio blog posts to this blog about whatever. 

I have to pee and meet Cousin Dan for dinner. Peace out people xoxoxox

hello

 Struggling with feelings of envy. I look upstairs, see my new colleague, she has a cat, a "partner", and she has a nicer apartment than mine. Fucking private. And she is "new" at our school so people are trying to woo her, impress her, make her feel lucky, that she was hired. And she got a nice new red car, a hybrid Prius C. Hot red.

And then I saw her leave her apartment. And she is fat. 

My feelings of envy subsided. What the fuck does that mean? 

I want to hate the girl working at this coffeeshop. She never says hello or thank you. And I as a consequence trip over my "sorries", saying sorry for never any fucking reason. Sorry, I only have change. Sorry, I need to pay by debit card. But she is playing Oasis now. So it is hard to hate her. 

She is also fat.  (isn't fat what they want us to call them now?) Not big- boned or other polite lies? Chubby is for children, am I mistaken?

Yesterday I called from bridge traffic on my way to acupuncture. I called the acupuncturist to say that I would likely be late.  I estimated 10 mins late. She told me to not come, and that I would need to pay a late/ no-show fee of $15. We had a tense exchange on the phone. I mailed her her fucking money in the mail today. I made an appt for next Thursday, but I actually think I don't want to work with her again. Her sliding scale fees have gone up 10 dollars now. I feel that she has gotten all hustley. I don't feel that we connect. She asks me how I am managing my stress, I tell her some bullshit about how I am breathing through my feet, she tells me "good". And she sticks her needles in. It's a half hour drive from me. I think i don't want to see her again.

The acupuncturist, coincidentally, is fat. 

trailer

Summer days spent at my parents house...

Watching their continual marital behavior.... I sometimes feel like an intruder.

When I think "I can't move to quebec, i would be too far from my parents", I come here and remember that my hometown is not something I need to live near forever. 

today, felt utterly euphoric after eating at Ramenesque. (maybe satisfied a more fitting word?) Amazing food. Felt it was good to stare down discomfort of being around my parents. Exercise in lovingkindness and stuff I am learning and reading about. Eating and drinking very well and feeling that my body is healthy. 

Going back tomorrow to PK, to look at the apartment I may move into, get my mail, and then I have an accupuncture appt. My bladder issue is really doing well! Thanks for debrae's conversation. I think it helped. It's related to: sexual boundaires/ sexual shame/ boundaries to my self/ releasing old feelings and mentalities no longer serving me. That this foreign unwanted invader in my bladder is unwelcome. And I have the power to say "leave". I already did say "no thank you" to frank. Debrae is so right: he holds his self-worth in his penis. and I validated that for him. Although he declined a real opportunity for intimacy with me (when he broke up with me), I accepted the subsequent hook ups and I let him "run the show". Hid my own expansiveness. I accepted the occasional dick and told myself it was satisfying enough. It was, to a degree. But I let him in, let him in, let him in. Can I say it enough? I let him in.  And there he stays. But I have no need for him anymore. I don't want his dick (it can be found elsewhere, let's get real here), or his motherfucking nonstop talking, or his inability to be vulnerable. Don't want any of it!!!! And so it shall leave my energy sphere. I don't need it anymore. 

I just googled the civil war scholar/ historian that my psychic said I should be meeting one of these days. 

I found one guy who was not the handsome stud I am looking for...

August 2015

 This is now.

All of a sudden it's like the appetite for summer comes and feels overwhelming. I went to the same swimming hole today that I went yesterday. Crossed a bridge to go there. It is fucking August, people. And if you didn't know before, you know now. It's summer. And guess what: the main quality which summer has is that it ends. The most painfully of any season. With a hard reprisal of the 'serious' 'industriousness' where the professional and intellectual pursuits begin anew. All consumerism reminds us of this, almost mockingly, in their back-to-school sales.

Can u tell I'm a teacher?

I will try to get to the point of everything.

This is an important week. I will: hear about where I am moving on campus, I will meet an English teacher candidate (tables have turned, beotch!), I will drive to Ithaca and see my old friend Nicci, I will go to my parents' house to see their new car, I will speak to DEBRAE, my psychic communicator and energy healer on friday, and then I will go to a healing weekend at Omega on forgievness and self-love. "lovingkindness".  I will also submit some costs for reimbursement from my employer. I went a little grammar-workbook crazy this summer and ordered every possible book.

Anywayyyy. The most pressing is the self-forgiveness. I told one friend about something that I feel deeply ashamed of. It helped to tell her. She understood my mistake, and urged me to see the humanity in myself. We are here to learn. Iyanla said today: Don't beat up on yourself for what may seem like a mistake. It was necessary for you to walk that path to learn those lessons.

It was indeed necessary to walk through the fire. To remember that I don't want to endanger myself, my career, or live in fear, or live in shame. I want to see myself in the same way that my colleagues who bestow accolades upon me do. I am worthy. Of professional achievement. I've earned it. The mistake that has me living in fear for 1 year has made me sick.

Remember the mantra for the urinary issue: I am safe. I can joyously welcome the new and releasing the old. You will like this stuff. 

  
NAIL BITING:
Probable cause: Frustration. Eating away at the self. Spite of a parent.

New thought pattern: It is safe for me to grow up. I now handle my own life with joy and with ease.

ANYWAY. KAYPACHA SAID THAT THE 14TH IS A BIG MOMENT. HAHA. didn't actually mean to have CAPS lock on for that.  I can't remember why he said that. Something like just new slate or something. 

Oh yeah - it was that we have to face our own projections and judgments of other people. It is hard to learn the truth about yourself. I can be very hard on people. And it's like, I am hard on myself. It's my own inner voice. Used to judge other people. It's the worst. Like, "Oh, that relationship won't last. _____ can't face his own solitude and loneliness, he is just chasing someone --- anyone -- to fill a void in himself." 

What could such a statement say about the judger? Uh, that I am incredibly lonely/ sad/ wanting to put my own self-imposed isolation pre-relationship onto other people. Because THAT'S THE WAY you do it. No. I can be kinder to others. I can be kinder, in turn, to myself. 

I am really looking forward to Sharon Salzberg's workshop at Omega this weekend. 

XO for now. 

it's like

it's like the old friend concept. Yes you can keep revisiting but you can never muster the courage to connect,  again. That's what it is like coming here to write. It's like a friend who no longer speaks your language. The golden days were when josie read this and we kind of encouraged each others writing, stayed abreast of each other's lives. I've dropped the thread. 

It's like my life has changed key. I can't hear myself singing any more. 

My father -- that has been an emerging topic. I want to reassure him that he has fulfilled his duties - been a great father, a great son, a great brother.. He can be a great man to himself now.  He came up in discussion with Debrae. The way he sees the world -- very static -- judgmental -- and that my mother set the model of "acquiescence". I thereafore hide my expansiveness next to the man figure around me. I saw that painfully play out with Remy. I even watched the video. He made a dumb, simple minded joke, and I playfully laughed. My concern was his comfort. 

thinking

 what I have been thinking about:

Had a great 2 days w Mariko in montreal. There she turns me onto a book "Lovingkindness" and suggests that I tune into how much love I am giving to myself. Then she suggests I give myself a gift before the school year begins. A workshop or retreat. I look up the author online and see that she is doing a workshop at Omega at the perfect time in the summer. Aug 14-16. Wow. 

I heard that message from another guy in MTL: "first, love yourself" etc. I think that I do love myself, but maybe I don't. I think i can put myself down and not think I am amazing. 

Today am thinking STILL of a certain colleague. Confused feelings toward him, and now, hurt feelings and anger. Before Quebec I told myself I would take a break from him, not see him or try to make plans. And tho I unfollowed him on FB, I just took a moment to hard core stalk him. And paul, the french guy from Quebec tant que j'y suis. It's official, their lives are 500% more fulfilling and active than mine. 

Made an appointment w debrae. I need to speak with her about a few things. 

There are: 

Negative self-talk

Forgiveness of myself

moving to Quebec

relationship w Dad, parents

Alex and Paul

colleague? if time

I also feel wayy out of it, because my apartment is in a state of chaos and I am moving very soon. Unsure exactly when, but it could possibly be my dream apartment, with a fireplace and super private. 

Should I break it off w current dude? Or just make my objectives clearer. 

Off I go into the night with a highly uncertain mindset and hyper-sensitive psyche,

Tami

dream

 ok ok. really quick. 

had invited Alex over. he was inside, then i received other guests, and had to greet them outside. 

shray (former student)

Alvin (from nhapton)

Peter mallett (from cci)

alvin was naked, presuming that we were going to have sex. Peter wanted to talk about something heavy and work out his issues through our conflicts. I hugged Alvin and my body language said "goodbye". Shray and I embraced for a good moment. I felt our hearts truly connected and didn't want to let go. He had no age -- our souls connected.

Peter and I spoke and I was helping him spiritually get through the mud.

As I left my apartment to greet them, Alex said "Who are you sleeping with?"

téléphone

 Je vs ai pas dit que mon téléphone portable est morte. cassé, décédé. Alors je réfléchis à ça aujourd'hui. QQchose est mort. je suis coupée de mon réseau, personne peut me contacter. Si j'entends un téléphone sonne, ce n'est pas le mien. ca fait bizaaaaa. je profite pour me respirer un peu. De toute façon, je ne pouvais rien faire avec mon téléphone icitte, à part envoyer des textos. mais je ne peux plus prendre des photos, ça craint.

Chu en deuil, merci pour vos condolescences. le cycle de vie...

XO

du coup

de suite/ de fil = consecutive

Du coup il a fini par faire beau. Je me sens vraiment con, bête... 

Pourquoi j'insiste à tellement rester seule, 'me reposer' alors que passer des moments ensemble avec le group m'aurait fait du bien. J'avais juste trop de voix, des commentaires des autres en tête... ça commençait par Paul, mon nouveau ami, qui m'avait déconseillé d'y aller... disant que ça vraiment quétaine comme excursion. il m'avait plutôt décourager... pis y avait Josée et Louis qui disait ' reste ici, il va pleuvoir..." alors qu'il fait vraiment beau. Bon. Ce qui est fait est fait. 

Cet instinct de toujours préférer rester dans mon coin, me pousser jamais trop loin, c quoi ça?

Je regrette un peu de ne pas y être allée. Mais je peux rien y faire, comme dirait Louis, je m'avance vers l'avant, je me retourne pas vers le passé...

Tout ça pour dire, quel est mon problème?  Je me considère come introvertie, alors cela me sert de béquille et comme excuse de ne jamais sortir. Ou seulement quand je suis en forme, ou quand il fait beau..

On a parlé de famille hier au souper, avec Paul on a parlé de l'inquiètude au sein de la famille. il se fait de souci qd maman appelle, il se demande pkoi il l'aime. Louis s'est fait renié par sa famille, même s'il a practiquement élévé son frère tout seul. Ca fait aujourd'hui 2 ans que son frère est décédé. 

Et moi..... tout ça pour me dire que mes anges me parlent, les reoncontres que je fais ici, les sujets et thèmes qui reviennent sont:

l'anxiété. Aujourd'hui je ne peux pas faire autre que 'mon mieux'. Une journée est bien vécue si je peux me dire ça en me couchant le soir.

Me sentir comme "assez bon" dans ma vie professionelle

M'exprimer vis à vis à l'art. ECRIRE. DESSINER. donner une voix à mon expérience en tant qu'être humaine

ETRE HEUREUSE

le livre que j'ai téléchargé hier HEAL YOUR BODY, ça parle de tout ça... mes problèmes urinaires (sexy!) viennent d'une fausse pensée que j'ai de profond en moi. mantra: "je suis safe". "i can let joy into my life and release that which is no longer necessary"

Bon j'ai assez parlé de moi même là là. à un autre jour.

XO tami

cut off

 hello, I am at the canadian border at the moment enjoying wifi and will write you a message. 

I have been thinking about if "gratitude" actually fucking works. I even google something like "do gratitude lists really fucking work" because every time I read an article about why I am depressed and what I am doing that needs fixing, they mention "gratitude". I will ease up on the drama, but I have felt a bit anxious/ blue/ sensitive/ irritable the past few weeks. 

I truly am grateful for a suitcase I bought from Dakine. it is so roomy, has different compartments, and isn't like cumbersome like a typical suitcase. It rolled easily in between the rows of this amtrak train today. It was somewhat expensive but a fabulous investment.

I am grateful for this amazing dog I have. Sometimes he makes me feel sad because I love him beyond words and the love is paired with the knowledge that his life will be shorter than mine. I also feel like he is sad or depressed sometimes but doesn't know how to tell me. 

I love the new name tag and collar that i got him yesterday (the collar is like punk rocky with spikes, and the name tag has some blue swarovski crystals)

I am grateful to my job. As much anxiety is causes me sometimes, now that the summer is here it's clear what gifts it has brought me. I am able to live in a central location in the hudson valley with no bills or rent, there is serious vacation time, the students are amazing, I am given so much freedom as a teacher to build my classes in the way I want, I am able to seek professional development to stay fresh and energized, and most pressing, I will likely be moving into a gorgeous apartment (fingers crossed) far from students, private, I won't tell you any more so as to not jinx it. When I see that my hard work is valued, that my presence is vital to the community, I feel very rewarded, in both a spiritual and tactile sense.

Still at the border, so let me drum up some more gratitude. Why the hell not, bloody "gratitude" preachers! My dad drove me to the train station today and took my dog to babysit. I am grateful to have them so close to me, and we can be in each other's lives more regularly. Something to cherish. Blah blah blah... now off to watch the canadian countryside. 

XO

re coucou, édition été

I  have been waiting to talk to you. for the perfect moment. that is always how it is. 

My mind has been in executive function today. I am going to Northern Quebec in 2 or 3 weeks and I have been unsure if I should drive or take the train. I chose train and am looking forward to looking out the window and just relaxing. not driving. Although the freedom of driving was alluring. 

We ended the school year, I am battling feelings of loneliness and anxiety, and am wondering if I can get a travel experience in before Quebec. Like a weekend road trip of some sort. 

Sorry u have to listen to these thoughts. Like the bumbling of my brain. I had to say goodbye to a friend. He was a young man from Western MA. He disrespected me and made me regret my actions. I had an opening of my heart around that time. I trusted many people and allowed for areas of grey. I don't need to regret my heart opening, but I can recognize when it's time to say goodbye and cut someone from my life. Yes, his energy will take time to leave me, but I intentionally said goodbye and deleted him from FB.

That situation reminds me how rarely I get annoyed by people or react violently. As kaypacha says, it's normal to get mad/ irritable. And cut people off. More than I do. Not all behavior is acceptable. 

It busted open a wound that is hard to talk about here. Just a very serious error I made. It had no real consequences. The consequences it COULD have had, that is. But it has weighed hard on me. I made a mistake. I have repented. I have seen my error. I have self-chastised. I have chastised myself. I have felt ashamed. I have asked myself "why". I have tried to be kind to myself, forgive forgive forgive. I have swept the experience under the rug. Felt ashamed at the stupidness and the fucking recklessness of my behavior. Doesn't sound like someone who has "forgiven" themselves, amirite?   All I can do is a daily kindness and self-love. I can only move forward from my error. And be "grateful to the universe" that I did not have to experience an actual punishment. For this reason I believe that the universe believes that this error was an outlier to otherwise correct behavior. I believe that too. I believe that too. I can move on. I won't ever forget my error. But I can learn from it and move on in life. I am allowed to move forward.  

The past few days  I have drastically altered my online presence. (that is, to "public" view). People who aren't my friends cannot see what they used to see. On linkedin my current employer and employment history is hidden to the public. Same on facebook. I feel like cutting more and more information on my social media presence, you know what I mean?  Like I am tagged in photographs from 2007. weddings, nights out, etc. I have the acute feeling that I am carrying around the past. It's enough to make me go on a slashing spree of facebook friends. Yes and no. Because those are all connections I have cultivated. In my varied life. But it's enough for me to say "if you want to know where I work, you can ask me". and in that same vein, I don't want to say anything in public. I used to be more reckless and now I A) don't want to appear every 5 minutes in people's newsfeed talking about something banal B) I don't want that many people to know what I think

coucou

 Salut nobody,

It was a weird day. I am in my house now, it snowed for most of the day, only to sort of stop right as I was resigning myself to staying in for the night. Leon bailed, Tracy bailed, leaving me to make the choice to go myself to Kingston, or stay at home among my creature family, drinking Namaste Dogfish beer, out of danger's way, writing in my diary. You know which choice was more appealing, and the one I chose. Winter often presents quandries like that. 

I learned some news today, for which I am grateful to my adopted community of Jen's friends. Jen was never wild about my current crush. She very Jen-ly told me "He's a schmuck".... in regards to how he blew me off about twice, told me he has me on the back burner. Ouch. but true words, coming from a friend who sees my worth perhaps clearer than I do. That's how it goes with girls. I was so hateful toward her Steve. Hated that she had to go through that mud. But knew to shut my mouth after awhile. We all have to walk through our various mud. Without commentary from our friends. In any rate, I feel grateful today for the commentary. It was revealed that this guy I have so slightly been 'seeing' is in fact seeing someone else. And it was revealed today that he in fact is doing more than seeing her. Which nicely explains his hot-and-cold, making plans with me, then backpedalling, flaking, then seeming hot again, only to be aloof again. I gave the guy more passes than I ought have. Cuz of his tats and whatever. I put him on a pedestal. A human error. Anyway I just spend the afternoon erasing his contact info (I quickly put him in my address book, too quickly). 

Anyway it is Valentine's Day, an annoying coincidence, just the perfect time to review my relationship goals and wishes. How I want to feel -- prioritized. That someone would want to spend a snowstorm with me, just coming to understand me better. Or just co-exist, the way I do with my animals. It's the best. 

I just yelled at my 22 year old lover. It was probably the first time I expressed something to him in an urgent, annoyed, disappointed, real way. He did something stupid. As 22 year olds do.

I remember being yelled at by my 38 year old lover when I was 22. it was scary. In retrospect, perhaps a bit manipulative/ abusive on his part. I remember I told him I would maybe visit, then I was in my parents pool, on the phone with him. He told me he was tired of being "jerked around" by me. He was the one getting 22 year old pussy. I don't feel sorry now for him. 

I am reading Iyanla's book on love. She is the Queen. it is late, I feel tired and I will go read it now. 

dead of winter

 currently at duty in dorm. Wondering for how long this will be my life. Married to my job seems the most apt analogy. 

Have inspiration sometimes to write, to be poetic, to be real, to connect with my audience like I used to. 

Did a lot today. Vacuumed, walked Nico, wrapped my UPS package, bought my plane ticket to St. John. Heard from Lexy about my summer job (ugh... why do I want to work here in the summer? I suppose it does pay well....) and potentially I could teach just enough to enjoy it. Am I trying to save money for.... what? I think its living off campus, but in reality I would like to live in a better apt on campus, without being a dorm parent. For 1 more year-ish.... and then who knows. Or maybe for 30 more years-ish.

Apparently mercury is in retrograde. Hard core. Saturday I had a bummer flaking date and communication seemed to be the crucial element lacking power or clarity.  I thought he had intended one thing and then he got all weird and sort of back pedaled. Ohhh well. It will arrange itself if it is destined to. It made me think about how I like maybe 5% of men. And when I do find one, it so rarely works out.... or so I've been telling myself. I talked about that in my last post. That need to stay eternally optimistic in the face of such chronic disappointment. Ok I'll get off my soap box for now. 

And then seeing this recent guy like hiding himself behind smoke + mirrors.  I used to do that. I wanted to hide, in the early stages-- appear like cooler than I felt, so I would be like "yeah, I have a party that night, but we could meet at this bar - my friend is gonna be showing his art" etc. So now it's curious to me to see this guy doing something similar, I think, or he is just not interested (possible). 

to be continued.

me revoilà

Walked - gorgeous, sunny day at Vassar Farm. The site of the much-discussed killing of deer. Half expected to see drippings of blood. Did see little prancer footprints though. Apparently there are too many deer and they decided to kill a bunch of them because science. Well guess what. There are too many fucking humans. Idiots have kids, their kids have kids, and there are too many fucking morons everywhere you look. But no one can shoot them dead because that would be murder.

While I was walking I had the thought which released some emotion in me. I felt like, why can't I have what I want. Playing this dating game is so discouraging. And I'm so adept at it that the disappointments that come along like hardly phase me anymore. Like, "oh well". There goes another guy -- the 5% of men who interest me/ turn me on -- back to the drawing board of scripted okcupid messages, short-ish guys with kids who are balding but -- make no mistake -- put sexual chemistry as their number 1 credential in a relationship. Ah, yes. Back to those hoardes of guys who will reply to my "I don't think we'll click" message with a "well we should still be friends. Besides, you're really cute."

Anyway, whenever you talk to people about dating they are quick to tell you that "you're a catch" --- "you're beautiful" -- you're this, you're that. Like, any guys would be lucky to land you. And yet, in your navigating of those dating waters, it's like a toss up when you meet a moderately hot guy who seems to correspond to your wishes. And when that happens enough, its hard to not consider it a trend.

At the same time, there is still something relentlessly optimistic about me. I fell asleep last night to a youtube astrology report for this week. Apparently mercury is really in retrograde, and that things that appear negative are actually a positive, to be discovered later. Things may appear to be setbacks now but will all work out. Communication is really suffering, blah blah blah. Does that explain why this hottie asked me out for Saturday on Wednesday, only to be incommunicado all day, then at 6 tell me that he was on his way to meet his buddy and maybe we could connect later, anything happening?.... or maybe another night.... what?

Yeah yeah yeah. A bitter woman is not a sexy woman. So I'm just trynna chill and practice self-love. Went to bed last night enveloping myself in a white loving warmth. I love me. I am worthy. All that bullshit that is supposed to attract the man of my dreams. "Believe it can happen". etc. etc.

Speaking of which, I should get to writing an email telling my exes that I need to cut them loose. That is energetically holding me back. I do believe that. Patty Stanger talked about the "collector" syndrome. Where you "remain friends" with all your exes but it's only to put them all on a shelf like toys and play with them when you feel like it. Yeah.

Good afternoon.