AAck
Weird nutty dark blurry time.
Trying to imagine a career map
ESL camp -- vet office -- SPCA internship --
-- MNTRL -- HRHS -- etc.
So weird. now rem is apparently applying for teaching jobs that I used to. I thought he hated teaching. He says "well i need a job". Ah, bon? and all his visa - OPT - umass graduation date - up in the air or dead on the tracks. Why couldn't he graduate in June? When he's had 3 years to complete his degree. Uh, yeah... But instead he will graduate in September, meaning his OPT can't start until then. DER... his indecision energy dragging me down... chatted my heart out about it to marion yesterday.
Dunno dunno dunno.. what would make me happy in my career? Happy to go to work?
looking at a CSA share this summer, excited for that but with all my supposed travelling....
You know what will be the best few days?
June 25 - 29. I'll be house sitting for my parents. Early summer there, quiet, cable, etc. etc. Sort of like entering another dimension. and then some other fun begins.
Ok, feeling scatterbrained, g2g. x o
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
frazzled
scatterbrained me today. Although it was a lovely day, I was feeling extra clumsy like I was missing half my brain.
I'll explain.
Dog had diarrhea (sorry) in a gross splash just as I'm running late out the door. I had already cleaned one accident this morning, and Remy takes care of it.
at lunch I forgot my purse outside. Adrenaline rush that my precious ray bans were stolen by a teenager. false alarm.
Tried to put remy's soup into a new casserole. most of it misses the bowl + grazes my newly sandaled feet. Potatoes + celery on the floor.
Left pvpa having forgotten my dirty UMass mug in someone's office, or somewhere.
etc.
Constant feeling of "where did I put..."
stress tonight over my PDX tickets - of course I bought no cancellation insurance - and there is possibly a job summer opp starting yes, the 5th of July. I'll interview, cross that bridge when I come to it. But it's not the first OR SECOND time in my life that I have had to change a ticket and paid for it thru the nose....
Worse case scenario, I miss two 3-hour days.
So not the end of the world, when I think of how much seeing my cousin + Jess will be so fun, such joy for ME. So tired of being prisoner to the paycheck god.
When I came home from school, I was not EXHAUSTED and HATEFUL like I usually am at BSS. The sun was PERFECT, blue sky few clouds! I sat on the tree stump in my yard and Nico sat with me, soaking up the rays. I had that weird feeling of the weekend being a blur. Like it sort felt like the "1st day" of my life or something, like I could just retrain all of my thoughts to the positive ones of the future... Loving the 70 degree weather.
x o x o Going to go eat my rice asparagus onion chicken soup on the stove.
I'll explain.
Dog had diarrhea (sorry) in a gross splash just as I'm running late out the door. I had already cleaned one accident this morning, and Remy takes care of it.
at lunch I forgot my purse outside. Adrenaline rush that my precious ray bans were stolen by a teenager. false alarm.
Tried to put remy's soup into a new casserole. most of it misses the bowl + grazes my newly sandaled feet. Potatoes + celery on the floor.
Left pvpa having forgotten my dirty UMass mug in someone's office, or somewhere.
etc.
Constant feeling of "where did I put..."
stress tonight over my PDX tickets - of course I bought no cancellation insurance - and there is possibly a job summer opp starting yes, the 5th of July. I'll interview, cross that bridge when I come to it. But it's not the first OR SECOND time in my life that I have had to change a ticket and paid for it thru the nose....
Worse case scenario, I miss two 3-hour days.
So not the end of the world, when I think of how much seeing my cousin + Jess will be so fun, such joy for ME. So tired of being prisoner to the paycheck god.
When I came home from school, I was not EXHAUSTED and HATEFUL like I usually am at BSS. The sun was PERFECT, blue sky few clouds! I sat on the tree stump in my yard and Nico sat with me, soaking up the rays. I had that weird feeling of the weekend being a blur. Like it sort felt like the "1st day" of my life or something, like I could just retrain all of my thoughts to the positive ones of the future... Loving the 70 degree weather.
x o x o Going to go eat my rice asparagus onion chicken soup on the stove.
Monday, May 2, 2011
rut
Cannot possibly focus enough to write in this!
Dunno my deal. Spring Itching, needing to clean my life up, berid myself of weight I'm carrying.
rem is watching tv in other room, we are increasingly roommates and bedmates. I'm just so tired of it all. He told me tonight that he realized that he missed his plane to France - it was scheduled for january. And he hadn't looked at his ticket since buying it in August. hardy har. This totally clueless-careless-anxious combo is not working for me. Blue weekend. Being with people but not being with them. We didn't make the cut to andrea's BBQ and I'm so tired of this faux friendship, superficial temporal friendships. My book "The Power of Intention" would tell me that I will only attract low-energy with low-energy. Remember "exuberance is beauty"?? Tough to muster up lately.
I made a rare trip to stop n' shop and bought all kinds of ridiculous non-food items, like 2 ben + jerry pints (sale) and a random mars bar from the British Aisle. Yet somehow this is the kind of adulthood I've arrived at. I dug into them both after an exhausting day as a school marm, in typical fashion, while watching the last episode of "The Wire" in my apartment even though it is quite beautiful weather outside. My ass is going to tell the tale...
My occupation is school marm. I can bend the truth if you want - say things that I intended to be doing. But I'm a school marm, for the nth year in a row. 2 days a week I teach 4th graders flute, just to reassure you that I am still doing 'artsy' stuff.
At the moment the future has some glimmer. a trip to PDX and some wonderful girl time, and dog time with Paco. I fantasized that I got that ESL summer camp job here. Or if not, I fantasize that I have enough money to spend 4 weeks in Montreal, interning at the SPCA, thus opening a new career path, and/ or doing an expensive french program at UQAM. Voila. Regardless it's looking like I'll be able to live and sleep alone - remy possibly being in france the entire summer due to our problems -- and thus nico will be able to sleep next to me. I've applied for a CSA share! the poor people's price. So I can't wait to cook some summer recipes and enjoy some luscious veggies... I just would love to meet more people here, even though it's been 4 years people seem so ephemeral in my life, like ships in the night as my mom says.
"New friends are silver, old friends are gold" - my mom also says.
Mother's Day coming up -- I may go home to NY for the weekend, some respite from the tension I live with and the moronic disputes we still have. I'm so done with it all. You know when you surpass that moment in a relationship -- where you have this gut feeling that the relationship is just not right -- and you kind of retract yourself emotionally. Tired of the same fight, tired of feeling like I am not enough for him, etc. etc. When his approach to relationship fix-it is staring at the damn television set before rolling into bed with the stupid question "ca va?"
eh non ca va pas...
Dunno my deal. Spring Itching, needing to clean my life up, berid myself of weight I'm carrying.
rem is watching tv in other room, we are increasingly roommates and bedmates. I'm just so tired of it all. He told me tonight that he realized that he missed his plane to France - it was scheduled for january. And he hadn't looked at his ticket since buying it in August. hardy har. This totally clueless-careless-anxious combo is not working for me. Blue weekend. Being with people but not being with them. We didn't make the cut to andrea's BBQ and I'm so tired of this faux friendship, superficial temporal friendships. My book "The Power of Intention" would tell me that I will only attract low-energy with low-energy. Remember "exuberance is beauty"?? Tough to muster up lately.
I made a rare trip to stop n' shop and bought all kinds of ridiculous non-food items, like 2 ben + jerry pints (sale) and a random mars bar from the British Aisle. Yet somehow this is the kind of adulthood I've arrived at. I dug into them both after an exhausting day as a school marm, in typical fashion, while watching the last episode of "The Wire" in my apartment even though it is quite beautiful weather outside. My ass is going to tell the tale...
My occupation is school marm. I can bend the truth if you want - say things that I intended to be doing. But I'm a school marm, for the nth year in a row. 2 days a week I teach 4th graders flute, just to reassure you that I am still doing 'artsy' stuff.
At the moment the future has some glimmer. a trip to PDX and some wonderful girl time, and dog time with Paco. I fantasized that I got that ESL summer camp job here. Or if not, I fantasize that I have enough money to spend 4 weeks in Montreal, interning at the SPCA, thus opening a new career path, and/ or doing an expensive french program at UQAM. Voila. Regardless it's looking like I'll be able to live and sleep alone - remy possibly being in france the entire summer due to our problems -- and thus nico will be able to sleep next to me. I've applied for a CSA share! the poor people's price. So I can't wait to cook some summer recipes and enjoy some luscious veggies... I just would love to meet more people here, even though it's been 4 years people seem so ephemeral in my life, like ships in the night as my mom says.
"New friends are silver, old friends are gold" - my mom also says.
Mother's Day coming up -- I may go home to NY for the weekend, some respite from the tension I live with and the moronic disputes we still have. I'm so done with it all. You know when you surpass that moment in a relationship -- where you have this gut feeling that the relationship is just not right -- and you kind of retract yourself emotionally. Tired of the same fight, tired of feeling like I am not enough for him, etc. etc. When his approach to relationship fix-it is staring at the damn television set before rolling into bed with the stupid question "ca va?"
eh non ca va pas...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)