friday night lazy fest glued to the computer.
that always happens - so slothenly by Friday, and unshowered.
Man oh man. such stress and illness lately. Mercury in retrograde or unseasonably cold frigid temps or what have you. I was sick and ill early this week, but worked anyway, spreading my misery around, and then Remy got it and spent last night tossing and turning and sighing his stressed out sigh from 3-5 am. What a joy to listen to. I spent those hours wishing that our bed is bigger, or that he didn't live with me, or wondering if I really love him. Any and all of the above.
Oh, love.
Annoyed during last flute lesson today. This music colleague sits at her desk while I teach. She turns around today and starts commenting about they could never act like they do in her class. Sam was like barking while I fixed Emma's flute. I have never liked this woman's energy -- I'm never wrong about these types of things. She like miswears clogs with skinny jeans. She's like uptight anal judgy type who can come off as friendly. whatever! I just couldn't deal with her attitude.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaHbEW0wisg
So I basically have 36 hours left in Hadley until I start a new thing. I certainly wonder why i am doing what I'm doing but it's all for hope of a brighter future. And honestly, I hate driving to work so the fact that I can park in the garage during January + drive 7 minutes to school is huge. So if I do return to WS after all, it will be 1 less month that I have to shlepp 18 miles to school.
Got a random email invite to some guy from Bard's 30th birthday party at some hip bar in BKlyn. This dude like has been too cool to talk to me over the past few years and now he is just as I remembered him - I had high hopes for him. There is the archetypal Bard student -- rich, beautiful, in the in-crowd, privileged -- the classic HIPSTER -- so cool they are a caricature of themselves without knowing it -- something meta meta. And I am so not that. And he so is. dating 25 year olds always looking for that hotter brunette to trump the last one. There've been many hotties be roadkill on the road of his life, myself included. And I guess what I've been thinking about is how I'm like not cool anymore + I have morphed into something more organic. I live rural, small town kinda socially conscious eat well. In other words, I guess I'm not drawn to "the scene" anymore. Even if I didn't have a boyfriend, I never liked that SCENE. Yet there's a whole scene alive and thriving in a post-Bard state. I am like busy building my life and cultivating healthiness and sanity and love up here in MA where no one visits and there's no real SCENE.
Has my creativity just shrunk up and now I have no intrigue in the scene? Yeah. easy for me to sit here and judge something I'm not invited in, or ever was. Just sitting on the fringes, waiting to pounce and go to bed with one of the dudes.
Ok well enough spewing my stressy crankiness onto you. I'm supposed to go boozing at ABC (with probably all of Umass) tonight and I have sat like a log eating chocolatey fatty foods this afternoon and still have chapped lips and a slight cold. ARG STOP COMPLAINING! I'll leave now before you decide to stop reading this blog.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
this is the 1st day of my life
coucou.
looking at myself in the mirror now - I got cute boots on + a red cardigan over my "ribbon" dress or whatever.
Weird day. I spent most of it dreading what I had to do and filled with uneasiness. Well it always starts 1st thing in the morning, when I realize that I've slept till 7 or 8 and always wonder if I missed a phone call or if I have to be somewhere. Then I hear the voices downstairs and they're industrious working so early. I then felt guilty and weird about what I said to donna's ex at the bar the other night - sometimes my "WE'RE ALL FRIENDS" attitude backfires and I wish I had shut my mouth. Had some european style tact. I was coming on too strong to this guy about how I knew his ex and how she's a great masseuse and I wanna get my boyf a gift certificate. Like, just stop talking!
I watched some housewives of NYC on tv, felt shocked by them, had a reluctant grasse matinee, and got on the road for my dentist appt. I have some receding gum lines, which makes me more vulnerable to cavities. etc. One real cavity, and since i have no dental insurance, it'll be $240 to fill. I guess not too bad.
Then I came home and was feeling the old I'm not worthy feeling. Etc. old feelings. Cuz these young hip language teachers at ARHS have good jobs and I don't wah wah. I guess my actual situation sometimes doesn't match my idealized vision I have for myself. My ideal picture of me is like this artsy, friendly person that everyone knows and wants to know. Maybe the reality is that I'm known to few people for being a nice and funny person, one who apparently is talented at music yet doesn't really play anymore, and hardly can pay her bills. (Mid sentence that all seemed quite funny!)
It's just on facebook, you just can see how people are so connected, and I sometimes would like to be more connected. like I'm tired of telling thurston's friends that I'm "friends with Matt K." because in reality I decided three years ago that I hated all of them, plunged into a self-hating depression and pushed everyone in my life from me and was desperate to clean the slate. They had all seen too much. So that's like a good connection to have, and I burned that bridge. Well, a little. I still say hi if I see him at whole foods, and I actually miss him. He's just always with his wife with a squeaky high voice.
Anyway, I'm just not over Sean S. not being that into me.
And when I see smiley facebook photo albums of people with rich lives and successful careers I sometimes wonder why I don't have all that. But MAYBE I DO. I certainly have a couple kind of life, where you don't really need to be known to anyone but that person. But it seems that the most meaningful conversations I have lately are with home + college friends, and not currently living near me friends. A la jess talking about her kid is starting to crawl and sit up and how exciting that is.
Sincerity blah blah blah. AUTHENTICITY is the buzz word floating around the consciousness of noho hippies.
My stalker came into the thrift shop I was at today, stormed to the back of the store, where I ducked from him, and he walked out and made awkward discourse with the clerk ladies. He's the one that said to me "You're a FREAK" in Target that one time. woah....
Later today, i was teaching flute to kids and I was yawning chronically. You know when you feel like excruciatingly tired and bored, and you can't stop yawning? I really do think that it's a sign of deep deep malaise. Like your being can't stand to be doing what it is doing. Like my soul is so tired. It aggravates me so much when these kids don't practice and can't play anything well. They stop every 2 seconds and go "I messed up! Argh!" and I sort of wonder how much I really care about helping them to play well. There is one student who I see as like a mini me, and I musically guide her to phrase beautifully and with sophistication. (yeah, she's in 4th grade).
I'm getting hungwee!! I nee to go troll for food. Hoping for a mysterious and exciting weekend (even though I'm in a relationship).
x o
looking at myself in the mirror now - I got cute boots on + a red cardigan over my "ribbon" dress or whatever.
Weird day. I spent most of it dreading what I had to do and filled with uneasiness. Well it always starts 1st thing in the morning, when I realize that I've slept till 7 or 8 and always wonder if I missed a phone call or if I have to be somewhere. Then I hear the voices downstairs and they're industrious working so early. I then felt guilty and weird about what I said to donna's ex at the bar the other night - sometimes my "WE'RE ALL FRIENDS" attitude backfires and I wish I had shut my mouth. Had some european style tact. I was coming on too strong to this guy about how I knew his ex and how she's a great masseuse and I wanna get my boyf a gift certificate. Like, just stop talking!
I watched some housewives of NYC on tv, felt shocked by them, had a reluctant grasse matinee, and got on the road for my dentist appt. I have some receding gum lines, which makes me more vulnerable to cavities. etc. One real cavity, and since i have no dental insurance, it'll be $240 to fill. I guess not too bad.
Then I came home and was feeling the old I'm not worthy feeling. Etc. old feelings. Cuz these young hip language teachers at ARHS have good jobs and I don't wah wah. I guess my actual situation sometimes doesn't match my idealized vision I have for myself. My ideal picture of me is like this artsy, friendly person that everyone knows and wants to know. Maybe the reality is that I'm known to few people for being a nice and funny person, one who apparently is talented at music yet doesn't really play anymore, and hardly can pay her bills. (Mid sentence that all seemed quite funny!)
It's just on facebook, you just can see how people are so connected, and I sometimes would like to be more connected. like I'm tired of telling thurston's friends that I'm "friends with Matt K." because in reality I decided three years ago that I hated all of them, plunged into a self-hating depression and pushed everyone in my life from me and was desperate to clean the slate. They had all seen too much. So that's like a good connection to have, and I burned that bridge. Well, a little. I still say hi if I see him at whole foods, and I actually miss him. He's just always with his wife with a squeaky high voice.
Anyway, I'm just not over Sean S. not being that into me.
And when I see smiley facebook photo albums of people with rich lives and successful careers I sometimes wonder why I don't have all that. But MAYBE I DO. I certainly have a couple kind of life, where you don't really need to be known to anyone but that person. But it seems that the most meaningful conversations I have lately are with home + college friends, and not currently living near me friends. A la jess talking about her kid is starting to crawl and sit up and how exciting that is.
Sincerity blah blah blah. AUTHENTICITY is the buzz word floating around the consciousness of noho hippies.
My stalker came into the thrift shop I was at today, stormed to the back of the store, where I ducked from him, and he walked out and made awkward discourse with the clerk ladies. He's the one that said to me "You're a FREAK" in Target that one time. woah....
Later today, i was teaching flute to kids and I was yawning chronically. You know when you feel like excruciatingly tired and bored, and you can't stop yawning? I really do think that it's a sign of deep deep malaise. Like your being can't stand to be doing what it is doing. Like my soul is so tired. It aggravates me so much when these kids don't practice and can't play anything well. They stop every 2 seconds and go "I messed up! Argh!" and I sort of wonder how much I really care about helping them to play well. There is one student who I see as like a mini me, and I musically guide her to phrase beautifully and with sophistication. (yeah, she's in 4th grade).
I'm getting hungwee!! I nee to go troll for food. Hoping for a mysterious and exciting weekend (even though I'm in a relationship).
x o
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