November- almost over

Trynna make a lot of things work now, and tryin tryin tryin.

This weekend v. emotional, lots of moments of sadness, anger, befuddlement.
Stared in the mirror earlier just crying, expressing my self. I get me.


Last nite dream of 'winging it' teaching HS class, talking about a beautiful chapter of a book where it was mostly swimming in blue blue water + waves. I was like "so, what are some initial comments about this chapter?" Trying to teach them something, anything. Woke up feeling the sharp edges of yesterday had lessened. I always awake feeling renewed, self-preserving, self-loving.

Weird Gunther at Uncle Steve's party "How would your boyfriend feel..." too disturbing to remember.
My landlord also told me this morning that loved me. This may be getting weird. Said he "has feelings for me".
It's alright. It's gonna be alright.

Wow. End of November, I can feel the darkness truly lifting. Today Rem found out that he can stay at the dojo for free. Wow. The light is truly at the end of the tunnel. So much can change so quickly. I feel light tonight.
Also I'm an emotional mess. The 'break up' will be really hitting me soon. I'm extra sensitive to him portraying me as a bitch to nik + mike, who I'd like to keep as friends. Anyway, no one wants to be regarded as the bad guy. So I'm hoping to keep it civil.
I truly do have much love for the guy.
Now him in his cast and his new boyish haircut all the more poignant. The way he suffers in this life, hurts me, makes me love him all the more. I hope that he can be open to happiness and joy in his life and experience the gifts of living. I hope that he can liberate himself by the chains of his unsupportive family, and bloom into the active big boy in rollerblades and hiking dude with a dog companion perhaps. I wish it all for him. I also wish it for me.
"This is your hour!" As my mom says.
I have occasional visions of that fully bloomed person that I am to become.
I will be someone who wakes up earlier to take full advantage of the day!
I will be a regular at pilates practice, run into those people at the supermarket, smile.
I will make beautiful earrings as gifts + have an etsy shop.
I will be active in my career in some way, in schools, or for schools, but not feeling too drained from discipline + the dark side of education. People will know me & like dealing with me.
I will be in a joyful relationship where we mutually enjoy each other's presence, touch, persona, and are both proud to be together, look forward to making our joyful union procreational.
I will continue to be surrounded by an amazing animal family, and live compassionately toward voiceless creatures in my every day life. I will work for the voiceless and thus find a community that shares my heavy heart toward the plight of the voiceless.
blah, blah, blah, as my landlord says.
Time to have a little dinner.

My heart is going out to my friends who are in pain, but I know that they are all such smart, savvy women, that they will come out from the pain strong + even better. If they still reach for joy they will attract it in their relationships, despite living at the pit of gloom lately. I'm with ya. There will be some gloom - stay tuned - but overall I think that this is our hour, as my mom says!


x o x o

unknown

staring at my inbox. Not really expecting much. The communication out there is psychic now. In dreaming, longing, fantasy.

Don't wanna peek at my xmas gift before xmas. U know when you look, you're a little brat, you lose your worth for the gift in a way.

Hard day - some crying, mostly making myself cry, cuz I need to cry - get the rage moving under my skin.
"Embrace what is" -- this zen mantra dulled me into zen complacency for years.
Now, it feels right - gettin g mad, yelling, I'm a goddamned 30 yr old woman with healthy appetite for life -- I'm on the verge of fully blooming -- I can visualise it when I leave the house & go running or grocery shopping. Earrings, sewing, the occasional flute performance. Summer dresses tight young bod thx to a fairly regular yoga + pilates practice. New joyous tattoos. The bliss that everyone is talking about. And then that bliss manifesting in an intimacy with a happy and successful man TBA.
And I wake up and you are sleeping on the floor of my living room. for going on 6 months now. If you were pitiful before you are a bleeding heartache for everyone now.

Trying to not think about T -- but of course I wonder if I blew it. Dating diary. The week, I calm myself. I look at the rain and look deep inside ugly as it is. This weekend I wish I hadn't seen him -- wish my last memory was kissing him after seeing a movie, going to the VFW, waiting for 11:11, and getting close to him & kissing his lips. Instead the memory I have is... seeing him with people at a bar, talking, nervously i says weird things, I was with a friend I only use for his presence. There I was spending 6 bucks on a fricking hard cider. Just to not be home. I guess I'm ok.
This is why I think I'm anxious -- I think I hate being single in a way -- first time I've ever said that. First time I've been single in 4 + years.
The cruelty of the dating world.
I do so wish that I were a 2nd generation feminism born in the 60s. Yeah, the 80s brought some sadness. But when do people stop tasting all the million flavors of the rainbow? Like take that hottie in front of you, marry her, impregnante her, get a joint bank account and voila. Yeah I'm committing feminist blasphemy I know.
People just are so cruel, I've seen in in my friends, there are STDs and texts and unreturned emails. And your little heart not to mention. Where does your little heart go to cry its eyes out. I guess you go home and cuddle your dog, stop going out because it's too risky, and thereupon we have the modern spinster. It's too fucking exhausting out there.

fibula

kindof avoiding the therapy sesh here. tough stuff goin on. i should memorialize it so that it may pass.

weekend, goodgetting myself stable feelin good, cleaning + baking.
Sunday, rem + i walked nico in the mornin. I dropped him off at the skatepark to skate again. Things would never be the same. he broke his ankle. and fibula. I drove him to the ER thinking that our situation managed to get worse, cannily, if it wasn't bad before.
that night, nik + sarah picked him off, brought him home.
that night it was all coming to me, how this changes everything, how badly I don't want to be mixed up in his handicap, but I am. his sour attitude before now is full-blown rage against his injury.
his true life attitude -- unblocked by his compulsion to do skating, aikido, etc. -- now on center stage. He melted down, crying, yelling, in the kitchen. Crying that he always fails, etc. How he doesn't know how to live, etc. How he knows he is burdening me. The mother in me is truly working on overtime. It's how I know precisely what it means to pull your weight in a relationship. That both partners mutually feed, inspire, soothe each other in this life.
"In sickness and in health" - - - - When that is an explicit promise, I get it. When you've been trying to separate for 6 months but there is a dull cycle of depression, being broke, debby downer -- it's a weight. Burden... Compassion... Pity... Mothering... not what I want my relationship to consist of.
Once a day had passed, I had developed some clarity, talked to my parents. Came to him with the idea to go back to FR for treatment and healing. He is at zero. This he knows. He is sitting on the idea. That is as far as I can get w him.
I'm tired of being the brain of this relationship. But he was disabled before his injury-- depressed thinking, dead-end misery. Now I live with a spiritually and physically disabled person.

I so treasure my health and agility. Today a bit more than 3 days ago.

Seeing him injured brings up some theories I have. Injury does happen to anyone. But I have to wonder if there is a certain spiritual 'asleep' state that breeds injury and illness. He has been living with his "check engine" light on for so long.

Now I am on my own. I take Nico on a 7:30 walk if I can -- the sun so low and frost covering the corn stalks we walk thru. As I exited, a playing card was facing me on the ground -- the 9 of Spades. I googled the tarot meaning of that card -- it ain't good!!!! It said "bad luck, misery, loss of fortune" AAAAAAAAAAAAgh!
I'm gonna be OK.
I felt lighter once I thought about him going to FR Thxgiving weekend, healing and shitting on his life not under my roof.

Been txting Tim. he mentioned a "downward turn" in his relationship situation this weekend. Oh such parallel lives.
When we were walking Nico, Rem was shitting on something about life, I could feel the visceral repulsion to his attitude, and all of a sudden, this tree branch nearby like fell to the ground. It spooked us. I swear that this negative energy has a chain reaction of negativity. Or it was my newly deceased uncle messing with us. Or there was already a target on his head.
Oh, to think back to the days of health, so bittersweet, we can see this now -- health is something to preserve -- body spirit and mind.