There is stuff I cant even tell the internet. Cuz someone may be listening.
This past weekend opened my heart.... like cry cry cry. Breaking up with
I'm ready to be like in love again, wanna spend my time with a dude who gets me. Go jogging with him and then just chill with him, watching Netflix and everything couples do.
I find myself in this treadmill pattern, maybe u've noticed.... chasing these temporary, emotionally unfulfilling flings and often inappropriate liaisons. like with much younger dudes. I tell myself that it is fulfilling to my pussy. This constant titillation, these unbearable urges, this immediate gratification, always pushing the envelope. Like these little jealousies kinda of making my pussy wetter??? I think I would have judged this as unhealthy, young, pathetic, whatever...... yet I find myself in this weirrrrrd high school kind of cess pool/ cage/ fishbowl, whatever u wanna call it. Everything is about the satisfaction of the moment. And a vague idea of what will fulfill me on a deeper level.
This date on OKC the other day. I'm like reticent to go out with him again because maybe he'll try to go for the good night kiss. uh Yeahhhhhh. So WTF is this fear of intimacy, or fear of kissing foreign lips, of not liking his tongue in my mouth, of wanting to go home and sext my 25-year old...
Like if I could just get into my falcon vision and rise above the earth, and not feel the need to like relive my high school years, but one where I'm more popular.... like chill out over the details.
Thinking about the end of the school year, i'm psyched.... its coming so fast. But the idea of looking around and realizing that like everything my life has revolved around since January is suddenly whisked away. I'm feeling empty in advance. I really am hating boarding school because of this. I'm forgetting like who I am outside of the classroom. Or as a faculty member. Everything that has defined me previously will be gone, every day.... just the empty classrooms and paths. Its weird. It's more than weird. It's truly problematic.
Voila pour maintenant.
