April fool

hello... little meow into cyberspace..

easter sunday. what is goin on. Had an awesome brunch w Ryan at Jake's - unreal how delicious, and I got 1 banana pancake in addition to my veg benedict. coffee coffee coffee. laughter and good friend, even though it was so great sleeping with him when we were together.

Spent the rest of the day kinda joggin/walkin with nico, went to traders, recycled, and forgot  a bunch of other errands.  i.e. getting my paycheck, dropping off books at umass.

yesterday had great beer + burrito with Nicole. good friend.

I guess this month has been about trying to feel good in my own skin and not constantly need external stimuli/ relationships define me or give my life meaning. As always, I need better boundaries. Like I need to see from a distance if a relationship is not giving me what I need, and stop investing in that person, and being constantly disappointed/disillusioned by other people.

I'm starting to value the introverted side of me more lately... she went away once I started teaching and had to pull out the big guns socially. I kinda adapted a more extroverted disposition and I don't think it always serves me. Instead of being obsessed with beat poetry in my dorm room at Syracuse and devoting full weekends to reading + writing alone, now I am like obsessed with people in a way. Like friendships, my relationships to others, my reflection on the world. I am not lying when I tell you that I spend alot of time literally looking at the mirror. I'm looking for something that I'm not able to communicate, or have chosen not to. I'm also nervously scanning my face for signs of "age". The secret is, that I wish i could say that I've lived more, harder, and maybe I wouldn't mind if my face revealed that. so I'm looking for the cellular maturity to start showing itself so then I can be like "see! you're old now, and what have u done in yr life?"

Anyway. U get the idea.

With the introverted side of me, I can put my view of the world on paper like I dreamed when I was a child. That the world values my unique experience. My brain has it, my language has it. But the world doesn't have it. I need to get my voice out into the world, just because. Not to win a prize or prove something. Just because it belongs there. Otherwise, I guess I don't know if you are really living deeply, if you can't leave a trace, u know?

Feeling so blessed by the creatures in my life. My honda that goes goes goes.. I'm also grateful that I don't look like a whale even though I lately eat like one!

Anyway. I guess I'm aware that some serious changes need to happen. It's tough to look at unhappiness. So I'd rather watch hulu or millionaire matchmaker.  But the truth is in the pudding.... I'm running from 1 job to the next to the next. And it ain't cutting it. So we must ... look at... that.

Sometimes I think that I belong in the domestic sphere! Is that blasphemous to say? I think that one of my talents is empathy and nurture, so what?  Maybe I would like to wake up and clean/play/bake etc. with my munchkins... and when my partner comes home I will go out + teach ESL to immigrants.

Anyway what I am feeling is that the pull toward motherhood is like so strong and it's making me look for the quickest route there. It's like the desire for a stable family/ co-parent is outweighing my perceived need for finding "the one".  I feel like I've entered the new chapter, the one where I get knocked up and grow a human inside of me (!) and enter into that world. I feel like I am close to entering that and maybe I do want to be. Don't we have our whole lives to find mr. perfect perfect? Is this the time for mr. Alright? Because honestly the pressure to find it all - your 'best friend' who totally understands you--  your 'lover' who you want to jump his bones AND put his genes into your uterus  --- that is feeling like a heavy load for my ovaries, who just want a fucking baby, and want it right now, like the way humans have done for centuries and centuries before me. Sperm + egg, how complicated is that?

Is there like a pill I can take that takes my attention off of my uterus for a little while and lets me like just live my life? Ya, I'd like a prescription.

getting late gonna go to bed.
XO

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New fantasy life....

I must admit that winter was cruel to me to the very end. Warped thinking and negative thought patterns... I haven't always been healthy, but it did kind of reveal to me other people's true colors. I am emotionally open... I lack boundaries sometimes and misread situations. Julie + I started out as friends kind of flirting,... she would tell me i was pretty n stuff... and like hit on me. Then I had a crush on my other friend probably inspired by Julie's free rein sexuality. She started saying "I love you" etc. etc. 

I think there is a reason that I've gone a little over the deep end over her.... it's like I was sort of in love or something, like way too emotionally invested in something that she wasn't. We come to find out. 

She brands herself as someone like so open + wise + kind. She is all of those things on her own terms. Once someone actually responds to her sparkly love with emotional vulnerability, she is totally flipped out, because she knows that she can't reciprocate. So she feels like a false sense of annoyance/ fear. 

Yep. All these years of therapy have made me an armchair Dr. Phil :)

It is about time that I moved on, you think?

The truth is is that this winter I've maybe needed more from all of my relationships than I had a right to expect. Hence people are ushered away from me. It happens. It's sad, but human nature. We don't want who wants us.  Isn't that just about the saddest thing ever?

Probably fatigues from the game of dating, and wintered down, I forgot how to play "the game". Paul was like "we should hang out again" and I was like "yea we should" and then he was like "how's sunday" and then I was like "yes, how's 7 at the dirty truth?" and that was pretty much the kiss of death for whatever reason. 

Then he was like "actually I'm really sick" (he was)

and I was like "oh, feel better"

Then I was like, maybe a photo of me in a bikini top with a sunburn would make u feel better?

he was like "maybe that would be cool" or something

and like, we may as well flush completely, I sent him this pg-13 photo! 

and that is it! 

Modern dating. No more emails or texts from Paul. Funny huh? It's like Feminism told us it was cool to know what U want + go get it. Then dudes are nostalgic for the Victorian Era. Where extreme coyness was in style...

It's perplexing. But I don't think I could have done it differently. 

Believe me -- it had little potential for a serious relationship.

He is basically unemployed (maybe bar backs 1 night at the dive bar), walks around town barefoot with a guitar, wears athletic shorts with tights, got a DUI last year which means he cannot leave the country for a year (?) and does indeed, according to rumor, have an alcohol abuse problem. 

But he is PASSIONATE.... and WILD.... so what can I say I like these kinda guys...

Here's to hoping my wild guy is out there! But preferably he has a job & a car + a bright future!

upswing

You've maybe been able to see how the winter has been a bit tough lately!!!

Thanks to the sudden appearance of spring, and an increase in those pills which change our brain chemistry (for the better!!!) I believe that an upswing is in order.

My horoscope said that I am "being bumped onto a better path" via the troubles I'm facing lately. And I believe it, I guess I have no reason to not believe.  It said that U know how actors get typecast and fall into the same sort of roles, well that's what has happened to me in my life. I am in the process of owning a new role. I hope so. 

I think this has a little to do with friendship, emotional dependency...I must learn to be my own best friend, as Deb says. But how much is too much, to invest in people? 

I remember Julie saying "I love you" for so long now when we say goodbye or in a text message. It made me a bit uneasy but I was like "me too..." and she called me out once on how I never say "I love you", but instead I go with the milder "me too". 

Please don't tell me you love me and then act like you don't really love me. It's an abuse of language, honestly. 

Treat me with kindness and love, if you are my friend.

Now I see you, with your hipster friends, and I remember... how you insist on showing the sparkly Julie to the world. Sparkle sparkle sparkle. Go go go. Once things get a little deeper you will feel uneasy because you know that you can't/won't reciprocate the depth.  You will throw nails + salt, and act defensive. The emotionally open party will feel exposed, vulnerable, and sad to part with you. The friendship will crumble. Cue next sparkly new friend. 

Depression is so related to inter-personal relationships. One relationship can like serve to illustrate something going on. 

I can't be anyone but me. I get emotionally invested in people. That's not something I would like to self-shame..

ya

I've noticed that you have a hostile attitude toward depression (i.e. considering breaking it off w Ian in the beginning... dissing Remy's depression..) and I've had mixed feelings towards that, as someone who has lived with depression on + off for many years. It's not an illness I choose, you know, but like it grips you to the extent that 'exercise'  or 'healthy eating"

It is starting to feel like drawing blood out of a rock or something. Like, you don't want to connect with others deeply because it would mean that they would see YOU for everything you are. My dark days are no secret to those I am close to, and I feel loved and supported for who I am by my true friends. And it's reciprocal. 

Seeing your impatient attitude toward depression has made me realize that you are so opposite to me in some ways -- I am ALL EMPATHY. For better or worse. When someone is rude or yells at me like at work I think about how they must be sad or unfulfilled I hope they can talk to a therapist.  I stayed with Remy for way too long for a weird sense of duty and compassion for him... it took a ton to let it go and be kinder to myself and find a more balanced relationship. Perhaps you think that your "oh snap out of it" mentality toward "sad" people is a strength -- I know you lived it too with your ex -- but it's really unfair to clump everyone who struggles into a "wah wah poor me" category/ your ex was also an addict, no?  But I guess it's been hard to realize that you have little empathy for people -- if they can't keep up with your happy train, then fuck them. 

I'm not trying to hurt you -- just telling you what I'm sensing as your friend -- I think that you favor superficial friendships over deeper ones, because deeper ones require U to totally open up -- dark side + all -- and I feel that you're only willing to show people the sparkly side of you... 

Honestly you said this yourself at our famous birthday lunch in October. 

You'd rather kinda scratch the surface of people, because it's easier ? I don't know.

I find this interesting as you tend to surround yourself with older friends.. That way like observing and learning from them takes the place of you really exchanging with them. 

It makes sense - you're 24 Julie.. no one expects you to have done the living of a 30 years old. 

Anyway I am used to you responding defensively and aggressively toward conflict between us. So that said I want to say these things to you... and you have to know that losing you as a friend has been a really painful thing for me this winter. In fact, while you are busy telling your new boyfriend what a bitchy fuck-up head-case I am, remember that there is a part of me that feels like the girl at recess who no one picked to play on their team. (And who picked instead Ian + Julie) 

Voila. That should be enough vulnerability for today..

T

Fwd: hi

what I wouldn't dream of ever telling you

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Date: Fri, Mar 1, 2013 at 4:24 PM
Subject: hi

dear J

i guess it;s hurt the past few months to see myself drifting into the outer stratosphere of friends. 

Ya, i know the life of a friendship has its ups + downs. 

It seems like every since my famous birthday lunch I've felt uneasy around you. 

Like, it seems like we are not gracefully drifting apart. 

I remember you saying how you told me on my birthday that the way I acted at some summer soiree (with kaiser + your friend justin) somehow annoyed you. It happened the way it did but that birthday luncheon has kinda stuck with me.  Like it revealed an invisible layer to our friendship that I thought was unbreakable... Like an invisible Julie, invisible thorns in the side. That you would hope to brush away with like superficial connections..

I sense that you have a superficial commitment to your friendships. And you yourself said something to confirm that, you said something like "it's hard for me to open up in friendships' or something to that effect.

I guess I agree with you. I think it is easy for you to really be present with your friends, learn about them, observe, (ironically you surround yourself with older friends), fluff them up with flattery, and yet it has started to feel unbalanced to me, like you are really unwilling to let yourself be truly seen and share yourself. Like I've tried to swallow this smug way that you speak to me (telling me to "get over" dating wild guys with Paul to name an example) like you are my 24 yr old friend who knows it all. I don't need to remind you of what I lived with my experience in an LTR and I hoped that you could cut me some slack for having a little bit of fun/ dating unsuitable guys until the moment is right. 

In a larger way, I noticed that you hold a brutally unforgiving view of depression and people who live with it. (you almost broke up with Ian in the beginning because he "struggles with depression"... a dismissive comment about Remy's depressed outlook) Obviously, I've internalized this hostility that I've seen you exhibit about others and it would make sense that you would have a similar reaction to me telling you that I've been struggling with depression this winter. That's just it - it's a struggle -- but not everyone has the 'steel will' to dig ourselves out of it so easily. Anyone that really understands depression knows that EXERCISE alone won't fix it. So, I guess I've sensed impatience in you on this subject and I have felt insulted by it. When we met at amanouz (it was pretty obvious I wasn't well, right?), you said that having roommates helps. Well, i don't have any. You know I love where I live, I have animals, I've recently been all painting + making the place nice-- and I preferably would feel more supported in my friendships enough to get me through the winter..I've felt continually unsupported by you in this area -- and comments about exercise or simple lifestyle changes have served to offend me.

Frankly i think i've spoken to you like really 3 times since Ian came along. It seemed like a speedy shift to full-on relationship mode, and like you only had time for very immediate friends (i.e. Julie, Griffin).. Classic friend dilemma I suppose. The new boyfriend. I guess it's just hurt to see you drifting away and keeping others close.

When we started hanging out in December I was so excited to have a friendship because of the muck I had been through with Remy.. When I first met Remy I dove headfirst into what would turn into an emotionally unhealthy relationship -- by the time I realized that it was a tad late and I chastised myself for thinking that one guy could solve all my problems and be henceforth all I ever needed.

The thornes in our sides have been constant + many. I write you emails, texts, that express my self and my experience. You have chronically misread or been just plain unresponsive to these communication blips on the screen. I feel close to people through relating, and as you know the spoken or written word is my way. I can't quite articulate why -- but it seems like you have totally misheard like emotionally important events which I've shared with you. And so it's like in our friendship you are like a student who has just missed a lot of classes and forgot her textbook when she returns. and a pencil. 

I suppose I am bearing the brunt of investing fully in my friendships. I generally have few friends and many acquaintances. I thought that you were one I kept close, but I guess I don't feel a reciprocal investment,and that is a bit too hurtful to try + soldier on through as your "see U around" type of friend. 

I really miss you and it's hurts me that we aren't connecting anymore. 

things n stuff

So. Things are going pretty badly! Hilariously so, and so quickly going downhill. 

The 1st of every month -- dunno if this is widespread -- always brings about like a mood changer. Either a really cool thing or a really "bad" thing, like something which spurs me into action which I had been reluctant to take or face. 

Friday, March 1st.

There is this awkward thing where my little aupair job is requiring me to go to a meeting 5 hours away in suburban PA. I was like "yeah" I'll go, u know, and then as the time approached I am like "oh i actually have to work on friday, because I live pay check to paycheck. Right." And then I realize that although hotel is covered, I am not paid to attend this meeting. Pretty much a no brainer, u know? 

The fact that I'm not compensated for my time is the real issue.  I guess that reveals my true level of commitment to this job. So the chips will fall as they may...

Then Remy sent me the job I interviewed for in Holyoke has been RE-POSTED, which u know, like hurts. So I am left to scour my mind as to what I said to fuck it up, my famous logorrhea. How could I have fucked it up in 25 minutes. What would be OK is if they saw that I maybe don't have the fabric to teach in an inner-city type of school. That is probably a true assessment. I don't have the desire or the experience doing that. ,,

It brings up tough feelings and thoughts about like my true professional calling. That i have tried so hard to fit into this educator identity because i so want to fit in somewhere. But yes, you remember west springfield. I'm all for a challenge of course. But we are made of what we are made of. I so hated teaching there. I was miserable. 

But where, then. 

Fantasixing about moving to Boulder! Anywhere but here, really...

More later.