I remember a couple of years ago, remy + I went to ABC to watch the superbowl. It was a younger self of me - I ate a big ole' meal and insisted on going somewhere to feel part of the american tradition. Remy accused me of liking the football players too much. Eh... like convincing him otherwise seemed, and seems, so useless.
tonight, for the superbowl, i just finished listening to wait wait on npr, drinking wine out of a chimay glass, watching now 60 minutes interview Jon gotti jr. This weekend I spent on two walks with bo up with street, a trip to marshalls, and finally a trip getting pastries (football-shaped ganache/fudge things) so i hope its ok to give to my colleagues the day after the supa bowl. don't forget a saturday watching junky tv and understandably not leaving the house. damn grey winter!
friday I was bumming out pretty bad, like all these loose ends and no resolution. Why can't dreams come true? That may be a childish question, but really. Like in that one day the dog i wanted was adopted, I didn't hear from my interview, I deal with screaming middle schoolers all day with little pay and little gratitude. The dog is like my one hope, the communion of dog mom + dog, leashes, food, love. That would seem to provide my life with more meaning, if not only every crazy pet person out there were also looking for a dog. maybe there are other places to find meaning...
and I just thought like, Why can't I get that dog, and then they call me to say i got the job, and then the people don't buy your building, and etc. etc. not to mention the dream (pah!) of like someday being married, catered, friends, pretty dress, sunshine, ya know all that. Oh and the boyfriend who isn't insisting on doing it his way and be 17 for the next 10 years.
maybe some are dreams, maybe some are just clues to change my reality.
I just wonder, ya know, oprah says things come when there is no resistance. but resistance must serve a purpose? Wanting something and not knowing if you can have it, but wishing? How can we all be so zenned out all the time that as if by magic the things we want gravitate toward us? is that how it works? Well fuck all that because on Friday all I know is that several things I have wanted refuse to materialize and my life feels lacking because of it. or maybe I am the one lacking.
today I had half a bagel for lunch, and the other one almost burnt to a crisp, for dinner with hummus, tomates, pesto, all of it falling all over my hands, then these 4 falafels with tzaziki. it was like a pure tami meal, a meal i eat when no one influences my choice of meal. no one there to say it's too much or not enough or not healthy or what the fuck ever.
tomorrow is the last day of NFMS, good bye all, smiley face "I had a great experience" "thank you so much" well I will mean it in a few situations. I just today started to apply to things, but it won't be such a bad thing if i must go back to what I was doing before. there is always an imaginary french veteran teacher who is grabbing up all of my jobs. because she's older, had a family, had the experience, also teaches spanish, drives a newer honda, i assume. I think she exists because I am not chopped liver even though I feel like it, and it's just hard out here...
I thought today how 30's is looking like a welcome sanctuary. Like, safe. So much evil in the 20s. think of sharon, Sylvain, drus, all the mistakes and the low self-worth and the wishing + hoping you did. I've told you, i feel like I've arrived at a place where, this may be creepy, but like I've become my own parent, really concerned for my own well-being, health and comfort. so many nights you could have just stayed home but went out stalking prey, and that game goes on and on. it was sexy in 2003. "Now it's a shame, to see someone with so much going for her, throw it all away" - - ha ha that was like my fake-parent of myself voice LOL!!
x o
