I committed my body to the couch this vacation. Enjoying one more night of having no plans and nothing to do. The people i work with are not my friends.
A theme for me lately is this feeling that this little job here in PKpsie is too small-towny for me. This little voice of "you aren't pushing yourself enough" "you arent taking enough risks" -- I've achieved a little stability, and now I see how that feels, and now I feel like I can't take a risk to see if something suits me better or helps me grow. The thought of jumping without a safety net is scary. Money-- the fear of scarcity -- is scary. I spent many years being poor. Not being able to you know, afford those things that middle class white people like-- hair coloring in Northampton, yearly trips to St. John, those $150 boots that I just have to have. Yeah, I've gotten used to feeling like an H + M model living in a North Face catalogue.
So now I'm just gonna listen to the universe to guide me. Where to go this summer? A month in Quebec city sounds good. Do I need to find some professional reason to be there? Should I spend 1 more year at this job? Should I get certified in NY? Or stay in private schools? Or seek higher ed to be able to teach in university, even junior colleges, and study 2nd language acquisition more?
Dunno. I'm about to sink further into the couch right now, maybe check out some babes on tinder, let Nico go pee, read a little bit of Kiffe Kiffe Demain, and then probably fall asleep with little fanfare.
Muah. XOXOX
