I have been waiting to talk to you. for the perfect moment. that is always how it is.
My mind has been in executive function today. I am going to Northern Quebec in 2 or 3 weeks and I have been unsure if I should drive or take the train. I chose train and am looking forward to looking out the window and just relaxing. not driving. Although the freedom of driving was alluring.
We ended the school year, I am battling feelings of loneliness and anxiety, and am wondering if I can get a travel experience in before Quebec. Like a weekend road trip of some sort.
Sorry u have to listen to these thoughts. Like the bumbling of my brain. I had to say goodbye to a friend. He was a young man from Western MA. He disrespected me and made me regret my actions. I had an opening of my heart around that time. I trusted many people and allowed for areas of grey. I don't need to regret my heart opening, but I can recognize when it's time to say goodbye and cut someone from my life. Yes, his energy will take time to leave me, but I intentionally said goodbye and deleted him from FB.
That situation reminds me how rarely I get annoyed by people or react violently. As kaypacha says, it's normal to get mad/ irritable. And cut people off. More than I do. Not all behavior is acceptable.
It busted open a wound that is hard to talk about here. Just a very serious error I made. It had no real consequences. The consequences it COULD have had, that is. But it has weighed hard on me. I made a mistake. I have repented. I have seen my error. I have self-chastised. I have chastised myself. I have felt ashamed. I have asked myself "why". I have tried to be kind to myself, forgive forgive forgive. I have swept the experience under the rug. Felt ashamed at the stupidness and the fucking recklessness of my behavior. Doesn't sound like someone who has "forgiven" themselves, amirite? All I can do is a daily kindness and self-love. I can only move forward from my error. And be "grateful to the universe" that I did not have to experience an actual punishment. For this reason I believe that the universe believes that this error was an outlier to otherwise correct behavior. I believe that too. I believe that too. I can move on. I won't ever forget my error. But I can learn from it and move on in life. I am allowed to move forward.
The past few days I have drastically altered my online presence. (that is, to "public" view). People who aren't my friends cannot see what they used to see. On linkedin my current employer and employment history is hidden to the public. Same on facebook. I feel like cutting more and more information on my social media presence, you know what I mean? Like I am tagged in photographs from 2007. weddings, nights out, etc. I have the acute feeling that I am carrying around the past. It's enough to make me go on a slashing spree of facebook friends. Yes and no. Because those are all connections I have cultivated. In my varied life. But it's enough for me to say "if you want to know where I work, you can ask me". and in that same vein, I don't want to say anything in public. I used to be more reckless and now I A) don't want to appear every 5 minutes in people's newsfeed talking about something banal B) I don't want that many people to know what I think
