Post-election

Sad, grey, unseasonably warm days. Donald Trump won the election. Perplexing. But I see a humanity in him. I actually do. He's so fascinating. He actually doesn't scare me like Pence does. Just don't touch my reproductive rights and we're good.

Of course I cried for our fallen hero Ms. Rodham Clinton. We all wanted that. We thought it was our moment. It wasn't. 

Difficult to see baby bumps and wedding gowns on facebook, seemingly non-stop.. So there's the part of me who has a supernatural craving to have a child, and then there is the part of me who wants  my freedom and solitude. And then there is the part of me who wants the sperm without the dude. 

OK now it is thxgiving break. 

There was a perplexing 2-month textual relationship, did I tell you? Scary. 

Have anger in me. Toward myself, for not having boundaries. For being too nice to men. A curious new feeling is emerging in me: Hatred, somewhat toward men. I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself. 

I hate that Tyler saw an empty chair next to me when I was out w Jasmine and Justin, then came in, sat down next to me, and basically stared at me until I turned to him and gave a feint smile. What the fuck?

I hate that men interpret "woman alone" with "waiting for a man". And how men seem to recognize only another man as a boundary line they should respect. 

I went to the women's group the other night.... a sacred women's circle in the native american tradition. Women pick up a stone and speak, air their experiences. I spoke about my ambivalence toward partnership, and my growing confusing feelings toward men. 

I'm going through  a period where I want to vent my feminist anger. I want to reject men with no concern to hurting their ego. I want to be able to seek my own pleasure, even if that makes me a "size queen". It matters. I have a right to choose to seek relationships with men with bigger penises than small ones. Is that vanity? 

When I rejected Coco, he unleashed his fury, tried to hurt me. "For 2 months I've told you how beautiful, how special you are to me...." "I wanted 3 years to have a game run on me" "I don't answer to you" (???) "You spend 2 months criticizing every thing about me. If I weren't in such an emotional place with my mom being sick I would have seen through your shallowness and never fallen for you" 

I wish I could tell you even more. It was a mind fuck. I was somehow pulled in. I ignored things I should have not. I gave him the pass. I overlooked his poor spelling and his questionable parenting choices, and his inattention to me. Because I craved intimacy so bad, I think. I even deleted my Tinder! 

I have a right to date someone for a few weeks and decide it's not for me. I have a right to push someone away. And above all, I can have standards and stick to them...

Now I have a colleague whose ego was so bruised from 2 months in intense texting (?) that he ignores me when we cross paths at work. 

going to google Erykah Badu now.

Coco

Had to leave this weirdly intense 5 week "relationship" that played out mostly over texts. Became weirdly addicted fantasy land, ego addiction to have my phone always blinging up, good morning texts, U are so beautiful texts, I miss u so much texts, wish you were coming home to me texts, i want you texts.

Essentially this situation has taught me how ready I am for something real () and also I am ready to overlook kind of crucial red flags in order to get that something real. And to ignore an accumulation of these things. So, bravo to myself for having my heart open and ready for partnership. But I don't need to lower my standards. I don't need to make excuses for someone. I don't need to feel slightly uncomfortable with something but just "go with it". I felt myself like ready to give him a pass for so much. Oh, he doesn't shower often... Oh, he looks like a fucking slob. Oh, he lets his daughters take a family photo giving the middle finger. Oh, he needs to talk to everyone at the bar but me. Oh, he reaches over and fucking touches me while he is talking to the woman next to us.  Oh, he made 4 fucking children with 2 women. Oh, he says those relationships were "toxic". Right. 

There is an anger welling up in me.  The acupuncturist talks about anger and the bladder. Anger toward men. Toward being female in a male world. Being looked at all my fucking life. Men beeping their horn. Men looking at my body. Men touching my body. Men not satisfying me. I want to crush their testicles. I want to sludge hammer them. 

More on this later, I'm walking to lunch with Paige.

A weird time

 Margot on my lap as I write this. "The River" radio on my Roku. Such a hodge podge of paths colliding, always. Remembering that I used to be a Western Massachusetts person. And now I am a CT person. And I was just a Hudson Valley person for a while. 

Made an appt w new doc in NM, 

This afternoon came home, walked nico, then sat down and couldn't bear to get up again. Out into the cold. Sat in a quasi-nap state for an hour. 

Spending a lot of money of acupuncture. 

Eating a lot of the foods that I want to eat. Don't deny. Today, oreo cheesecake with my coff. Yesterday, a PINT of ice cream. Yeah. At 10 pm. In bed by 11. That's a common move. Just go for it so hard. 

I came home from this 3 hour meeting feeling so... burnt out, and like crushed, wanting to cry. On one hand the ever-present question of if I will have a child, if I will find the partnership I would like, is still present. And then I just think, Gee whiz, do I really want that, AND continue to work this insane job, like wouldn't that feel totally unmanageable. Because my life already feels unmanageable. Slightly. 

Today had a fantasy that I spent the first few years of my child's life living on St. John.  A slower pace to life. 

 I just know that I am not a Keiko or a Megan whatever the fuck her name was. 

One thing that makes my life do able is having Wednesday afternoons off. I come home and nap for 2 hours with Margot on my lap. Wake up so out of it. Dehydrated, makeup smudged, and then I walked Nico out back. Ran on the treadmill and watched the soccer game from a distance. Listened to Wild flag, Frank ocean, kendrick lamar, and Kraeyshawn. 

This little journal of my everyday activities..... useful? or mundane? and banal? 

Taking a little pause from my curious little  bubble.

It's a few days/weeks later.