dead of winter

 currently at duty in dorm. Wondering for how long this will be my life. Married to my job seems the most apt analogy. 

Have inspiration sometimes to write, to be poetic, to be real, to connect with my audience like I used to. 

Did a lot today. Vacuumed, walked Nico, wrapped my UPS package, bought my plane ticket to St. John. Heard from Lexy about my summer job (ugh... why do I want to work here in the summer? I suppose it does pay well....) and potentially I could teach just enough to enjoy it. Am I trying to save money for.... what? I think its living off campus, but in reality I would like to live in a better apt on campus, without being a dorm parent. For 1 more year-ish.... and then who knows. Or maybe for 30 more years-ish.

Apparently mercury is in retrograde. Hard core. Saturday I had a bummer flaking date and communication seemed to be the crucial element lacking power or clarity.  I thought he had intended one thing and then he got all weird and sort of back pedaled. Ohhh well. It will arrange itself if it is destined to. It made me think about how I like maybe 5% of men. And when I do find one, it so rarely works out.... or so I've been telling myself. I talked about that in my last post. That need to stay eternally optimistic in the face of such chronic disappointment. Ok I'll get off my soap box for now. 

And then seeing this recent guy like hiding himself behind smoke + mirrors.  I used to do that. I wanted to hide, in the early stages-- appear like cooler than I felt, so I would be like "yeah, I have a party that night, but we could meet at this bar - my friend is gonna be showing his art" etc. So now it's curious to me to see this guy doing something similar, I think, or he is just not interested (possible). 

to be continued.

me revoilà

Walked - gorgeous, sunny day at Vassar Farm. The site of the much-discussed killing of deer. Half expected to see drippings of blood. Did see little prancer footprints though. Apparently there are too many deer and they decided to kill a bunch of them because science. Well guess what. There are too many fucking humans. Idiots have kids, their kids have kids, and there are too many fucking morons everywhere you look. But no one can shoot them dead because that would be murder.

While I was walking I had the thought which released some emotion in me. I felt like, why can't I have what I want. Playing this dating game is so discouraging. And I'm so adept at it that the disappointments that come along like hardly phase me anymore. Like, "oh well". There goes another guy -- the 5% of men who interest me/ turn me on -- back to the drawing board of scripted okcupid messages, short-ish guys with kids who are balding but -- make no mistake -- put sexual chemistry as their number 1 credential in a relationship. Ah, yes. Back to those hoardes of guys who will reply to my "I don't think we'll click" message with a "well we should still be friends. Besides, you're really cute."

Anyway, whenever you talk to people about dating they are quick to tell you that "you're a catch" --- "you're beautiful" -- you're this, you're that. Like, any guys would be lucky to land you. And yet, in your navigating of those dating waters, it's like a toss up when you meet a moderately hot guy who seems to correspond to your wishes. And when that happens enough, its hard to not consider it a trend.

At the same time, there is still something relentlessly optimistic about me. I fell asleep last night to a youtube astrology report for this week. Apparently mercury is really in retrograde, and that things that appear negative are actually a positive, to be discovered later. Things may appear to be setbacks now but will all work out. Communication is really suffering, blah blah blah. Does that explain why this hottie asked me out for Saturday on Wednesday, only to be incommunicado all day, then at 6 tell me that he was on his way to meet his buddy and maybe we could connect later, anything happening?.... or maybe another night.... what?

Yeah yeah yeah. A bitter woman is not a sexy woman. So I'm just trynna chill and practice self-love. Went to bed last night enveloping myself in a white loving warmth. I love me. I am worthy. All that bullshit that is supposed to attract the man of my dreams. "Believe it can happen". etc. etc.

Speaking of which, I should get to writing an email telling my exes that I need to cut them loose. That is energetically holding me back. I do believe that. Patty Stanger talked about the "collector" syndrome. Where you "remain friends" with all your exes but it's only to put them all on a shelf like toys and play with them when you feel like it. Yeah.

Good afternoon.