un petit coucou

it is harder to bend your upper back than the lower back. 

Justine, talking and talking and talking. 

Demain, je m'en vais en vacances. Goal: to not burst into tears at any point during the week on St. Johns.  

Sometimes that conflation of extreme mundane life juxtaposed with extreme sense of possibility and awe can overwhelm me. Like, make me homesick, you know? Like going from 0-60  in just a sec. Vacations are funny, like do you notice how it sometimes takes a few days to start *enjoying* yourself? Like, U need a few days to get into the vacation groove. And then you are sad to leave. 

Deb is a great gal but I feel nervous about her being like my caretaker and tour guide even though I'm 31 and grown, maybe she does like elicit some sort of maternal craving in me. She is like the liberal bohemian mom I never had. 

I wonder if I should start to wear my hair differently. Like in a long side ponytail, with no bangs. I am def gonna start putting that lemon peroxide in my hair next week. There will be sun. I think I will come back with a tan! A burn, maybe, because I hate sunscreen. It causes skin cancer, sayeth Dorin. 

I will also do yoga Monday, Tuesday night, and then movie potluck on Thursday. Hopefully all cool people and maybe an attractive dude in the mix would be ideal. 

This writing thing is  like not very inspired because it has no muse. It's like, a carbon copy of the thoughts in my brain. No filter that makes glittery prose. 

Ce soir je me suis decidee de sortir, meme si j'avais rien planifie... personne voulait sortir, je peux pas faire la follasse avec frank vu qu'il est parti au Texas. mais bon, soit honnete g pas enormement d'amis en ce moment. G surout pas de copain, ca c clair et nette. Mes soirees passe seule,  calinant avec nico...  je commence a en avoir marre franchement... comme disait ryan il faut etre ouverte a tout moment... 

I think that my dog is addicted to my love. Like I've trained him to be a fricking mush. 

Wow, tu sais que ce ginger libation me rend saoule super vite... 

cette vile est vraiment petite... U know last night y'avait ryan, pis frank, pis toutes les exes de Ryan, au meme show! 

I've changed so much over the past few years. U remember I used to give remy such a hard time about speaking to his ex? ...... Somewhere along the line I started being less of a fucking jealous beotch. Dunno how though..

Typically seeing exes would bring out the monster in me. 

During yoga today I actually thought of what it was like for Ry to fuck Hannah. she's kinda cute, and like hippie and dirty and unkempt as she may be she is fucking making something everyday. Thats what hurts the most. Ry used to tell me how I was so hot and how I am the hottest girl he's ever been with, and maybe he was just saying that to turn me on? But I thought that it could be true. In a previous life, it would drive me CRAZY to see ry and all his exes in 1 place. But now I guess I don't rilly care. Like, being with Rem, seeing how he couldn't give me the one thing I wanted more deeply than anything, it's like now I know that if he couldn't give it to me, he could give it to no one. I think that thought kinda changed me. Like anyone can fuck you. But that real love, your lover being warm in bed while you take out the garbage, coming back in to cuddle and they are so warm and cute as U guys watch game of thrones together, that is fucking special, and not everyone will give u that in your life. Ry will fuck Geraldine or hannah or abby or Gaby or bridget or Aurelie or Laurie. But there is something that he will give no one and there is nothing that can change that for anyone. 

Voila. There I go over the deep end. 

Talking to this dude now. 

coucou. 

Gonna try to give you a snapshot of what i've been doing N feeling. 

yesterday, 2/12., interview at PFSJ Charter school. Finger crossed, I think? I would love to be a part of a passionate faculty etc. Ya, a lotta work. I would kinda feel like I have arrived somewhere. 

Last year, 2/12 first kissy w Frank!

2011, Nico adopted on 2/12.

Big day. 

i am at a coffee shop near Mt Holyoke College where these 2 lesbians at the table next to me are like kind of breaking up. Speaking so openly. Kind of sweet. That absence of self-consciousness found in 21 yr olds. Saying that she hates how they lie in bed together and 1 doesn't want to be touched, how does that make the other one feel? She needs intimacy. Compromise is needed.  One has like a facial twitch land is speaking very emotionally. 

This week, snow day monday put me in a tailspin of feeling connected to nothing..  and like anxious...

Yesterday I sat in front of the Obama SOTU address and was like half frustrated that it was on every fricking channel, and half unwilling to change the channel because i needed some noise in my head besides my own voice.  So I kept it on, listening to the babbling about jobs and American hope for the future. STFU. 

My own voice is telling me some weird shit. Like "that charter school thought U were a babbling idiot." "U don't really know how to teach, and it shows." "U said exactly the wrong thing." "Another waste of interview time of everyone's part" "U are better suited to be a Stay-at-home-mom" "Except minus the mom part, because U don't even have a man". "U should probably just mate with your ex, u don't deserve better and will waste your 30s trying to land someone better." 

WTF.

So i've had like nothing good or funny or creative or wild bouncing around my head recently.  Despite, what? 

I think it iis plainly the absence of doing anything creative. Except baking. Like, open a frickin notebook and write ANYTHING. 

But it's winter... and inspiration is dry... like even when we have a blizzard I'm like "great, now I can watch Millionaire Matchmaker"  and basically tune out. 

Although, my apartment is lookin pretty clean, I'm vaccuming up a storm, and throwing alot of junk away. But alas.... i'm a mess. 

February has always been brutal to me... 

Next week I will be on vacation in the Virign Islands! So let's touch base after that, I may very well look like a different person.

xo gozzip grrl