huntER

friday night lazy fest glued to the computer.
that always happens - so slothenly by Friday, and unshowered.

Man oh man. such stress and illness lately. Mercury in retrograde or unseasonably cold frigid temps or what have you. I was sick and ill early this week, but worked anyway, spreading my misery around, and then Remy got it and spent last night tossing and turning and sighing his stressed out sigh from 3-5 am. What a joy to listen to. I spent those hours wishing that our bed is bigger, or that he didn't live with me, or wondering if I really love him. Any and all of the above.

Oh, love.

Annoyed during last flute lesson today. This music colleague sits at her desk while I teach. She turns around today and starts commenting about they could never act like they do in her class. Sam was like barking while I fixed Emma's flute. I have never liked this woman's energy -- I'm never wrong about these types of things. She like miswears clogs with skinny jeans. She's like uptight anal judgy type who can come off as friendly. whatever! I just couldn't deal with her attitude.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaHbEW0wisg


So I basically have 36 hours left in Hadley until I start a new thing. I certainly wonder why i am doing what I'm doing but it's all for hope of a brighter future. And honestly, I hate driving to work so the fact that I can park in the garage during January + drive 7 minutes to school is huge. So if I do return to WS after all, it will be 1 less month that I have to shlepp 18 miles to school.

Got a random email invite to some guy from Bard's 30th birthday party at some hip bar in BKlyn. This dude like has been too cool to talk to me over the past few years and now he is just as I remembered him - I had high hopes for him. There is the archetypal Bard student -- rich, beautiful, in the in-crowd, privileged -- the classic HIPSTER -- so cool they are a caricature of themselves without knowing it -- something meta meta. And I am so not that. And he so is. dating 25 year olds always looking for that hotter brunette to trump the last one. There've been many hotties be roadkill on the road of his life, myself included. And I guess what I've been thinking about is how I'm like not cool anymore + I have morphed into something more organic. I live rural, small town kinda socially conscious eat well. In other words, I guess I'm not drawn to "the scene" anymore. Even if I didn't have a boyfriend, I never liked that SCENE. Yet there's a whole scene alive and thriving in a post-Bard state. I am like busy building my life and cultivating healthiness and sanity and love up here in MA where no one visits and there's no real SCENE.

Has my creativity just shrunk up and now I have no intrigue in the scene? Yeah. easy for me to sit here and judge something I'm not invited in, or ever was. Just sitting on the fringes, waiting to pounce and go to bed with one of the dudes.

Ok well enough spewing my stressy crankiness onto you. I'm supposed to go boozing at ABC (with probably all of Umass) tonight and I have sat like a log eating chocolatey fatty foods this afternoon and still have chapped lips and a slight cold. ARG STOP COMPLAINING! I'll leave now before you decide to stop reading this blog.

this is the 1st day of my life

coucou.

looking at myself in the mirror now - I got cute boots on + a red cardigan over my "ribbon" dress or whatever.


Weird day. I spent most of it dreading what I had to do and filled with uneasiness. Well it always starts 1st thing in the morning, when I realize that I've slept till 7 or 8 and always wonder if I missed a phone call or if I have to be somewhere. Then I hear the voices downstairs and they're industrious working so early. I then felt guilty and weird about what I said to donna's ex at the bar the other night - sometimes my "WE'RE ALL FRIENDS" attitude backfires and I wish I had shut my mouth. Had some european style tact. I was coming on too strong to this guy about how I knew his ex and how she's a great masseuse and I wanna get my boyf a gift certificate. Like, just stop talking!

I watched some housewives of NYC on tv, felt shocked by them, had a reluctant grasse matinee, and got on the road for my dentist appt. I have some receding gum lines, which makes me more vulnerable to cavities. etc. One real cavity, and since i have no dental insurance, it'll be $240 to fill. I guess not too bad.

Then I came home and was feeling the old I'm not worthy feeling. Etc. old feelings. Cuz these young hip language teachers at ARHS have good jobs and I don't wah wah. I guess my actual situation sometimes doesn't match my idealized vision I have for myself. My ideal picture of me is like this artsy, friendly person that everyone knows and wants to know. Maybe the reality is that I'm known to few people for being a nice and funny person, one who apparently is talented at music yet doesn't really play anymore, and hardly can pay her bills. (Mid sentence that all seemed quite funny!)

It's just on facebook, you just can see how people are so connected, and I sometimes would like to be more connected. like I'm tired of telling thurston's friends that I'm "friends with Matt K." because in reality I decided three years ago that I hated all of them, plunged into a self-hating depression and pushed everyone in my life from me and was desperate to clean the slate. They had all seen too much. So that's like a good connection to have, and I burned that bridge. Well, a little. I still say hi if I see him at whole foods, and I actually miss him. He's just always with his wife with a squeaky high voice.

Anyway, I'm just not over Sean S. not being that into me.

And when I see smiley facebook photo albums of people with rich lives and successful careers I sometimes wonder why I don't have all that. But MAYBE I DO. I certainly have a couple kind of life, where you don't really need to be known to anyone but that person. But it seems that the most meaningful conversations I have lately are with home + college friends, and not currently living near me friends. A la jess talking about her kid is starting to crawl and sit up and how exciting that is.

Sincerity blah blah blah. AUTHENTICITY is the buzz word floating around the consciousness of noho hippies.

My stalker came into the thrift shop I was at today, stormed to the back of the store, where I ducked from him, and he walked out and made awkward discourse with the clerk ladies. He's the one that said to me "You're a FREAK" in Target that one time. woah....

Later today, i was teaching flute to kids and I was yawning chronically. You know when you feel like excruciatingly tired and bored, and you can't stop yawning? I really do think that it's a sign of deep deep malaise. Like your being can't stand to be doing what it is doing. Like my soul is so tired. It aggravates me so much when these kids don't practice and can't play anything well. They stop every 2 seconds and go "I messed up! Argh!" and I sort of wonder how much I really care about helping them to play well. There is one student who I see as like a mini me, and I musically guide her to phrase beautifully and with sophistication. (yeah, she's in 4th grade).

I'm getting hungwee!! I nee to go troll for food. Hoping for a mysterious and exciting weekend (even though I'm in a relationship).

x o

weird

my last post was exactly one month ago. I feel guilty for not writing - not because of my audience, but mostly because I feel like I risk forgetting my life.

Alot happened in past month - mainly just chaos and business.

I rescued a family of kittens behind my house, and one of them I couldn't resist keeping - is now living with my parents - she is so amazing - I named her Sasha.

I decided to get super high in the middle of the work week and spent the next 24 hours hurting and high and obtaining some insights about life. I realized that I want to be around for my life - and this whole motherly instinct is kicking in pretty strong - i.e. I want to be 100% there for myself and my future child. Self-preservation is the thing. Like, I feel in better physical shape than I have maybe since playing Bard volleyball - and I eat amazingly better than ever. It's why I've started to love cooking and baking - I want to nourish myself and the people around me.

Something about Mercury or Venus coming to a peak around year 28 or 29 of a life? I feel in a way like that moment has come for me.

I've kind of looked to g$d or whomever recently - and asked that my heart be clear and ready to receive love - especially from the man sleeping next to me at night. it hasn't come like a light-bulb, but rather I feel a steady flow of happiness to have a strong man in my life and one who keeps me warm at night. It's unclear as of yet whether my heart being open means that I will still need to leave the relationship because he won't marry me. Ahem. That would be a sad day, but I'm ever aware that it may be a necessary step.I just wish people in my family could just accept us as we were, but it's not only about them. I want that future and that symbolic ring of some sort, call me a cliche. It's what I want. And my uterus ain't getting any younger, honey.

yesterday we got into a bad fight about this issue, and then we hugged and crying and "remember whens..." If it's so wrong, it sometimes does feel so right.



Anyway, in other news I've been working alot but last week had a hard moment - I was driving to a fucking game at smith Voke, on a team I don't really know in a gym whose colors are so depressing and I get blinded by flourescent lights. And I was remember me circa 2006, doing the EXACT SAME THING, and I am noticing how little my professional life has changed - literally living day to day, the old status insecurity, but now it's sort of bigger. I feel like I am phasing out of "twentysomething" life and there are no more beatniks around me who seem worse off than me. (true, I have no friends). I do have big time consumer envy - like I want a HONDA FIT very badly - I want what it would symbolize to me - independence, gas efficiency! that purchase will be so huge for me. But the day is just so far off.
And then the envy has changed - I now look at young moms with a twinge of envy. Like, they really have it together - house, roof, some sort of job success, partner who wants to get them pregnant, supportive parents happy to be grandparents. This is all a new things for me. It's like I suddenly realized that I theoretically could be the mom of a 4th grader. When my flute students ask if I have kids, I wistfully say no... even though I am able to so appreciate this fact. Like, how are their 31-year old moms doing it? How did they do it when they were like, 24 and pregnant!?
I stand around at school now and am well aware that people may think that I am a parent. The absence of what is.

And my millionth period came today. The last few months it's come a few days early (like 19 days vs. 28), and I've had the impression that my fertility is closing in on me. But la, ca va.

Another aspect to this life evolution is how I so pity and cringe at some choices I made when I was younger. Like I suddenly feel like my own parent. How low was my self-esteem that I went chasing for love so hard from men who didn't love me? How could I have stayed so long w H as he lusted for groupies and stayed permanently 19? I so remember like growing up in that relationship, yet I stayed with something that didn't fit. Because it was so nice...
Maybe the next 7 years of my life wouldn't have been such an ugly blur if I would have respected myself more in college, and thought about my future.
But the future didn't come for a while.
Like, think about marrying H and being a beautiful pregnant 22-year old. That could be beautiful or a disaster. Remember Italy? Remember walking around that bookstore fearing that I was pregnant?


Well, some brief facts about the last month.
Crushing on Sam who works at trader joes.
got business cards advertising my pilates teaching practice ---> the design is black with diamonds! Yeah. they were only 7 bucks and I went with pretty and plain.
Am open to what the future brings - after February. I'd like to start my ELL license up here, so a long-term sub position or even part time @ WS after feb break would be awesome. Just getting that out there, universe.
Have majorly geeked and am excited about my parents Xmas present - a kindle! Can't wait to play with it.
i can't believe I am such a slave to commuting - i hate it and will avoid so intensely. I am thrilled to not be at WS right now, and thinking of the horrible sludgy commute in the winter.... hells to the no.
I am going to ABC right now to meet some of r's colleagues. Could be fun or annoying, but there will be beer.

x x o o happy thxgiving!

Friday.

well well well.

I can pause for a second to speak from my heart, or try to. I'm simultaneously gchatting and blogging and jezebelling and my old work email-stalking. hello, internet.

Week of business, worked at 3 different places, including flute teaching today + getting paid to sit there or walk around because 4th grade flutists are forgetful re: their instrument or lesson. Plus there was an assembly.

I had to drive to amherst + get a textbook from an important guy who i need to handshake and be on the ball when I see. Because he will potentially give me a job next week. Now I just have to muster up enough desire to do well on the demo lesson. I wish I could just focus on the goal of employment + not get too weighed down by the what ifs + whys + what thes.

more later.

barfday

hey! contrary to the spirit of my blog post title, I'm really feeling the birthday glee, am even wearing a cute little dress and american apparel tights and Ked's mary janes.

Lately, the current of the change really felt... Like as much as things stay the same, things really do change.

July 2006: I become a mom of 2 kitties + they bring instant joy to my life.
Sept 2006: I start a Masters program and I have alot of direction, am also enjoying TAing French.
Oct. 3 2007: anniversary of getting 2gether with Rem.
June 2008: We get a matching heart tat
July 2008: I spent 1 month in Toulouse with Rem. We live in kind of squalor in an apt. with no windows but we are in love.
Sept 2008: Remy comes on tourist visa to live with me until Dec.
Nov 2008: passed Masters
Jan 2009: Remy starts anew at UMass on student visa (moves in with me, I guess "officially")
Feb 2009: My dad retires + has nice big retirement party
June 2009: I go for all kinds of jobs in boston and elsewhere and get jobs, reject jobs cuz I don't want to leave Valley.
July 2009: I spent some 2 weeks in France + have a little bit less fun this time.
Sept 2009: I start teaching french at West side, also teaching music at arts school.
July 2010: I enjoy 1 month living by myself while Remy is in France, and he gets appendicitis + is in the hospital briefly. I become friends with nik + Sarah. Critical thinking of where my life + relationship are headed.
August 2010: see the time markers become less crisp the closer they are to the present

Anyway. It's just like little markers of time don't feel significant as they are happening. But then in retrospect, you see that, whether you knew it or not, you experienced something resembling a life, a progression of events that culminate in living.
This fact has come into focus because sometimes we regret moving in together as soon as we did. But then, as it happened, it was so unceremonious and seems like a natural progression. Yet we couldn't really grasp the symbolism of the event and how it would affect our lives in a larger sense.

Like, yesterday we were awoken at 7:30 to the sound of Barry's hired tree team cutting down a beautiful willow tree in the backyard. Just man dominating nature with our chainsaws and trucks. As we look into the void of what was our backyard, we are mourning this stable force that has co--existed with us - and with the property - for thirty years. This beautiful tree, it gave me shade, it was so rooted posing no danger to anyone. I would love looking up and seeing flocks of birds singing and hanging out. And Barry with his brutish obsession of his property, thinking that his money is his power. We are fucking depressed about it. It's just like, here is an unwelcome marker of time - probably like anyone's death. This apartment that I have so loved for the past 3 some odd years, seeing that tree come down and being helpless to stop it, I felt like I entered the last chapter of my life living here. Feeling like I've outgrown it, even though if I could I would love to have a few months in it the way I started it - living here alone. It's in discussion, like wherever we are headed we sort of feel that we owe to ourselves a period of solitary living, especially if marriage or whatever is at the other side. Wanting to establish the ceremoniousness of moving in together the right way this time.

Friday morning - intense rainy commute - my windshield wiper decides to break off. I thankfully was able to pull over in a parking lot and consider my options. i ultimately walked to an auto parts store, bought a wiper blade and after plenty of hemming + hawing I tried to put the sucker on myself, and I succeeded! It was pretty cool, even though the whole thing took over an hour + a half to resolve, it worked out (I even still worked) and I learned a new skill.

x x x voila c'est tout pour l'instant.

weeeeekend

well hello. immediate memory: waking up late + spending day with simone walking around smith.

things are so changing...

you know this scene from some movie, where there is a dude chasing a girl who is chasing a guy + they're all running around. Like, you are either being chased or chasing someone, or both. I feel like it's cyclical or something.


Lately jon has been texting/ messaging me and I think, knowing that sweet guy, that he is idealizing our relationship and wishing/ wondering/ sulking. It's ok. i knew pretty obviously that we were better friends, but I remember when we first broke up him calling me crying and asking "is this really it". It was, but it wasn't. I have nothing but awesome feelings about the guy. Total sweetheart.

case b: dude from hometown who I crushed on hard from grade 8-12 while he dated all my friends. friday night drunk me sat down with my pilates mat + gchat signed in. Sure enough he chats me, he's miserable eating microwaved fish on a friday night with no girlfriend and saying these things like he loves me or that I should come visit him in Utah. He's so wanting that wife + kids to spend his lawyer money on. Too bad he got considerably less hot in the less decade.
In reality, as much as he's saying, he's not "really" saying anything. Like it's all coated in joke so it hurts him less if I reject him. as a side note, I'm also confused because he is a mormon, and like I haven't really taken his advances seriously for that reason too. So i keep smilingly brushing him off. If he wants to come to me seriously like I were cameron diaz in some rom com then it's another story.

example c: each day that goes on I glorify my relationship from 2001-2003. like if these were the olden days I'm sure i would have married that guy, jealousy and exes and all, and we would have had beautiful children. But we're a more advanced species, i guess, and now I'm with a guy who I'm just good with and wondering what could have been with the one who nearly broke my brain with crying. So there I was remy away in canada + thinking how we all just slip away from each other. And this one once so dear to me now is a 7-year old memory and in my dreams we are embracing and smiling and feeling extreme happiness in each others arms. A big shot out to vino verde as well for this saturday night lonelyfest/ gchat confession box.

So now I have little to no employment, which probably isn't the worst thing in the world, as I have space to make lists of things that I would actually wish to do. ESOL teaching is up there on that list, but I just need to work my contacts, and also acquire some more education/ slash/ work experience and confidence. Perhaps a pill could also help me with that. gotta go.

x x x x

I'll take care of you, if you want me to

At Target I think the cashier kid gave me a dirty look for not wanting a plastic bag. Well fuck you, too. I was just trying to save the goddamn environment.

Thinking lately about how we are all arrows, pointing somewhere, or pointing nowhere. We could land in a field face down with no plan or parting words.

Teen Dream is totally rocking my house tonight.

Spent some time yesterday on Google Maps. Holy cow. What a cool way to spend time. I type in my address and then like Prince Edward Island. You have to cross the Bay of Fundy in a ferry. I click on the images and see what the place looks like. It like directs you to the ferry yard assuming you will put your car on the boat. It will take 15 hours to get there. Or you can take a plane. But then can you really appreciate how “far” it really is?? Canada looks kind of similar to America. But so far away from home. I just dream of driving there… and being such a foreigner in a foreign land.

Next I should type in this destination: http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/americas/08/07/greenland.ice.island/index.html

Groenland.

August. So whatever the month has changed. it means that summer is practically over. If you hate your job teaching then your life will now begin to suck. Or you can reclaim your life and offer your time and talent to better things, even if it means having no money for a little while.

I’m liking this drunk voice of mine. This past week I spent on the Cape with my parents. We were tourists. I get overzealous when there are french people around, and I want to talk to them. Half to impress my parents, half to just be an American ambassador. I’m usually disappointed. I befriended this little asshole who chose to ignore my parents sitting next to me and hit on me and guess that I was either from California or Texas and offer other American stereotypes. When his father came in the pool he goes “Ah, tu travailles ton anglais” to his son and they share a fucking laugh and no one has any manners. They really should go back to france. What the fuck? Yet they are this mysterious conundrum to so many Americans and their Eiffel Tower makes us drool.

Pretty weird that CNN now has “story highlights” for those who don’t have the attention span necessary to read a five paragraph news article.

What else?

What else?

What else?

What else?

I think I’ve reached the end of the line. Nicole can’t have improvised plans with me. the plans need to be on her terms. Recently she was like “I want Go Berry” and I was like “Really? I want Herrell’s” and she was like “let’s do both”.”

Or: she was like “I want to eat at this expensive restaurant” and I was like “I don’t have the money let’s just get a beer” and she was like “Nevermind” so Forget her, basically. Unfortunately our friendship is going to have to die. Because she sees me as a goal-less girl with no schedule or work ethic. And I see her as an anal-retentive cellist so dead set on becoming an orchestral cellist she is willing to never have any friends or social life for the next 20 years. She can’t get together for a fucking beer because she needs to practice until 3 am, so fuck her. Speaking of which she could use that.

I could use that too. I’m dreaming a little bit about having sex again, which is always a good thing. I may be able to overlook R’s faults for the 10 minutes necessary to have an orgasm and to have another one’s body next to me. He is coming home on Wednesday and it will be a happy homecoming even though there will be sad tears. Cry cry cry. Unknown. No happiness down the aisle or saying yes to the dress for me. Maybe in a future life.

There is a cute girl in my pilates training with a new child and a helpful mother + husband. I really want to be a mother one day. I hope it’s not in 10 years. I hope it’s not in 5 years. I hope it is in 2-3 years. I realized that our generation is so dead set on becoming something extraordinary that motherhood is no longer a desired state unless it’s something that escapes you like at age 37 and you spend your life trying to adopt or conceive artificially. Then you can write your little article in the NYT about how badly you want to be a mother. But at your art schools it’s not a goal among women, like to become a mom before age 30. But it’s such a beautiful occupation. Such a noble endeavor. Doesn’t it occur to anyone that maybe working in the labor market is less enriching than mothering and maintaining a home? Just wondering. Like, and maybe less women would be on anti-depressants if they didn’t feel like such failures for being “just” stay at home moms? Maybe it’s a noble cause after all? But no, we all think that we all are failures for not being the next Cindy Sherman or Kim Deal.

This buzz is wearing off. I wish you were next to me + we could dance together.

new

I have made huge purchases influenced by remy:

cool looking stereo system (Harmon/ Kardon) from amazon.

iMac. remember the adrenaline rush as we checked out on the apple refurbished site.

bike - sweet peugeot canary yellow road bike, off craigslist. Now he's the bike nerd + rides it everywhere.

cigarettes, even though I don't smoke.

Ummmmm.

Strange day. with R leaving, a weird shift happens. I go back to "life before remy" state. Spent the afternoon weirdly elated shopping at salvation army, the vague question of "is he the one" not a question I can face.
Dreamt that I have chicken pox, or some other illness with red bumps all over my face. Felt weak.

went to "work" today, this office where I used to work. I think I've moved up in the world, I walk around there like I know everyone. There was this bitch girl who I saw first start as this skinny princess with too many eye makeup, and I walked past her today and thought to myself how much weight she has gained I hardly recognized her. Well, she filled out. Working at the same place 350 days a year!? dang. People must see everyone evolve.

There is this little library at work where people bring in books to share with others. There was "Prozac Nation" which I haven't yet read, which certainly has its place in cult fandom. I frankly would like to read it, but had a weird realization: I'm not depressed enough anymore to really go for that kind of read. Funny, huh? Like I suddenly got why people stop listening to joy division. I had a similar feeling at the psychiatric nurse's office. She did her little run down questionnaire. And I kind of felt like a joke saying how I am sometimes self-destructive through overeating. Or, I told her how I went out by myself and drank 3 beers and was really drunk. I thought I saw a look in her face that was like, why are you here? And I felt it too, trying to rewrite my script for the doctor to help me. Like, maybe I'm not depressed enough anymore? It''s weird how I kind of am feeling like it feels good to feel good, to help myself and enjoy my life. Must come with age. Pilates has helped, like I walk around feeling like a hot fit lady. Health is so amazing. Health = when you can nourish your own self emotionally and with food it is so cool.

It may contribute to how I've become boring + have nothing to blog about?

blogue

Summer summer summertime...

Monday, things are starting to move along.

asked about pilates training, I think I'm gonna do it! It's expensive of course, and it's in Hadley and not Montreal. But, it's at my own studio and a good place to start. I'm a little bit shy when it comes to these things, but then i have to remember that people don't hate me immediately the way I imagine they do. I never caught that yoga bug, but I imagined myself doing some sort of physical training at some point. With yoga, I feel like it's a contest to see who is the most peaceful. And like self-consciousness and awkwardness are so not Zen so if you feel awkward you're obviously not at peace with the world and yourself. Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Then trying to figure out my schedule at this work place for the next 2.5 weeks. The first glitch is trying to squeeze in dropping remy off at the bus station and crying and hugging in between working there. Oh lala. He is leaving Wednesday, and the usual feelings of feeling the floor taken from under my feet alongside a bit of relief. I think someone leaving your side who is always at your side is always so viscerally painful. Watching someone get on a bus as you stay behind...Watching the bus pull away... And then rushing back to work at a sucky flourescent lighted office building. But honestly i almost would rather that than coming home to an empty house.

I cannot explain to you why I feel this way, and then how I ask myself if he's the One or whatever. I think it's my life that needs fixing and not the relationship sometimes. But thats neither here nor there.

So otherwise I feel like I am shedding skin like a snake. I Literally the other day was rubbing off this dead skin from my arms. I am just realizing that these old friendships I am still hanging onto. still gripping onto the hurt feelings. And what with Fartbook, these people just don't exit my consciousness. RELEASE has been my new mantra. RELEASE IT. Kind of a variation on the whole head under the covers thing. But release. I am feeling more and more that I cannot move forward without releasing. Why did V stop being my friend and instead chose losers over me? RELEASE.
Is A. happier in her life than me? RELEASE
Maybe it could have worked out with H.? RELEASE (hard to release this one)
Wow A. has a nice diamond ring, how come I don't have one? RELEASE.
Maybe guys liked me more before I got boring? RELEASE.


SOMETHING ABOUT US --- DAFT PUNK ---- Such a good song.

Otherwise, life has been lazy days in the Valley, i like how there is no school no guilt no fear no teens. I have my period and yesterday I hid in the bushes to insert a tampon and put on my bathing suit. I'm becoming less modest about this stuff. Like Rem and I pee in this little parking lot everytime we go to this bar, and the last time much to our surprise these car lights go on and this dude in a pick-up just watched me croutch down and pee. Ah well.

Next time I blog I'll try to tell you about how I watched my mom kiss this creepy artist guy on the lips (it was one of those hug/kiss confusion mixups) and then how I have coordinated 6 teens to come here + stay with families. when its maybe me who wants to be friends with French teenagers. more later. xxx

psychic

Week home at my parents dog sitting.

The principal feeling I have lately is that I have become mush - like no original ideas, no nothing.

As I contemplate if I am in the right relationship, this fear that I will not find a suitable partner because I'm not interesting is paralysing.

I am left to fantasize possible outcomes of my life.
If I go through a break up, I know that I will freak out and need to jump into something else and fast. Maybe all my dreaming of living in Quebec will happen then. Like I will throw myself to the wolves.
The thought of any of that happening seems so out there. Like my apartment is so fixed, pots and pans and papers everywhere held in one place. The though of packing all of it up? But breaking up and having him leave is equally weird. Like it's like the whole valley will remind me of us.

Or

Maybe I should just shut the fuck up?

A week ago, I got too drunk with strangers at a bar, drove home and fell into bed and was half crying saying to remy "c'est toi que je veux". being out there in the jungle made me remember that.

But is that reticence to join the jungle a reason for staying?

Anyway.
Lately I am thinking that anything needs to come out of you. Like what you receive from the world you need to digest and produce some response to it. That is uniquely you. And then, it's not wrong or right, and then you can't be accused of being uninteresting. Because something is coming out of you. The juices seem frozen for me, like I just absorb and absorb. And when I sit down to produce I just draw the same outline of a cat and nothing else comes. Remember when I made myself laugh so much? When I had Matt c. as my muse even though he ignored me I was the funniest gal. And it was all right, it was all me. Now part of this crisis is how remy just makes dick and fart jokes. Like, he makes a parody of someone making dick and fart jokes. But really the person making the joke is him.

Well that is something.

little distracted

cuz I’m listening to Nancy huston talk about her latest novel on radio canada.

looking for a good time to write here, when I’m not numbly parousing facebook for signs of life.

I should recognize that life is here for me if I want it.

I”ll try to give you a run down of news and hopes and thoughts.

Today had to say “no” after much thought to a summer camp job - overnight and french-only. for 5 weeks. for $2000. I had to think about how badly I needed the money. and I thought not that badly.

A part of me wondered though what would single-tami do? Probably yes? probably. But still, there I would be teaching teenagers how to play badminton in french. oh lala. so I made a hard phone call to my restaurant from last summer. even though serving would be much more lucrative. Maybe I should go talk to Albert at Chez Albert.

I wonder when I will stop with this whole whole-applying-for-jobs-I-don’t-want era will end. Please assure me that the live-in thing would drive me crazy. Going from one miserable time-sucking job to another, with not even one day of gap! Non merci.

This constant bricks-in-the-fire feeling, as stressed as I feel sometimes, I must recognize that that is where LIFE is. the constant every day flow of should I? shouldn’t I? That is life, and I can say that probably because I know what the opposite is. Well, the whole watching-the-wire for weeks straight without talking to anyone. That doesn’t quite get me anywhere, even though it’s alluring in its own way.

The most wonderful feeling of today and yesterday = when I first go under the covers and for a sec I put the covers over my head. That feeling of “I don’t exist” I find so freeing. Like, no one will find me under here. Time stands still and obligations are so adult. Especially when my obligations are like putting grades into a computer and making sure no one is cheating on a verb quiz.

bringing us to my next topic. Teaching. The wild world of public education. Now is the time of year where I am at once appreciating them (they all have good hearts underneath the teenage angst/attitude/jockiness) and at the same time getting depressed seeing how little of French 3 they have retained. I feel that so many words spoken by a teacher are a complete waste of words, speech, breath. Students just want to know what to cram into their minds 5 minutes before the test. It is so sad. But such a huge task to rectify that attitude towards learning. They are taught “you can do anything, be anything you want to be, just get an education” and what happens is students want to work the least amount possible to achieve this. Or, the concept of “grading” is so ingrained in them that they can’t see the point of learning in itself, without the concept of grades/competition. I have a student who says he wants to go to medical school who I have caught writing verb conjugations on his desk before the test. Yeah. Pretty pathetic. He like leans down as if he is slouching. I say “Walter, sit up straight” and you can see the terror/defensiveness in his face so clearly. Yet our world says to him “Reach for the stars”.

Cue some bitter-jaded arts school alumni thoughts. You know, the classic Bard graduate now teaching in a miserable blue-collar school system, still bragging about her glory college days where I went to parties with child actress Gaby Hoffman, Woody Allen’s son, and got Lawrence Ferlinghetti’s autograph. and now drinking water out of a “Bard” nalgene bottle. But it’s not all about bitterness. It’s just a complex world. Like think of how different my life could be if I had majored in biology, for example. Not saying I wanted to. But it’s just a funny thing. I guess what I’m saying is like, I have the awareness of the contradiction of so many things. And the naivete and preconceptions of youth confronting me every day. It is impossible to imagine what life is really like at age 16. And that, we must embrace as part of the cycle of life, even if it hurts.

Like my students must look at me, and wonder why the hell I am not married and pregnant yet. God I am so fucking old, ‘can you even imagine her having sex???’ OMG Ew. Like any witty comment I make is just totally unappreciated in this company, and all my students are concerned with is how they can cheat without me catching them.

It is seriously miserable. I can outright acknowledge this because it is so almost over.

I find myself looking at jobs I am unqualified for, and wanting so badly to apply. Well, people do it. I guess a part of me wants to have a REAL JOB once and for fricking all. You know, one where I can communicate with adults. How do I dress for that? How do I do my hair + speak? I seriously need guidance. I found one awesome thing in … Boston… well it is like managing the education department at the French cultural center. Basically coordinating lots of outreach programs in schools and after school stuff. I have never, um, managed before though. Well unless you count managing a group of hormoney giggling rude teens and if you want to count their parents as clients. I don’t know, I think that might be fun. But I have to blow myself up in the cover letter.

But I took a miserable trip to Cambridge this weekend. That driving, that crudeness of the city streets, scares me so much. I came back with a renewed love for my home in Western Mass. Like, sometimes I say how it’s so boring and cold. but it is also great. Like nightlife in summer in northampton is the absolute best. Dirty truth - though beers are expensive - makes it worth it by a sweet red ambiance and cute hipster guys (caution, some massholes still). Like it can get repetitive. But there is of course something cool about seeing the same people over + over again. And ducking if one is an enemy/frenemy.

and again, I wonder if I have found Mr. Good Enough. Big questions about the nature of finding that life-long partner. I mostly know that remy will be a great dad. but boy, we can really get on each others nerves. Including a tense pull-over on Rt. 2 on the way back from Boston arguing over how I want him to drive just when my co-pilot is deciding to take a nap. Our fights are so full of pride from both of us. He treats it all like a deposition. “Did you did you not say that…” “Admit it, you were pissed when…” so much attributing traits and qualities to me. Above all he wants me to say that he is right. Is this folllowing a typical couple manual?

Me I can be brutal. But he brings me there. I even throw out the “Well fuck you”s. I get going on my high horse and I am not coming off so he can fuck off. No quotations are coming to mind. Just his constant level of stress and high-strungedness. He cannot just relax. he shoulders get so tense he is so full of negativity. He says he uses negativity constructively, in a way to change his life. I am not so sure.

But I can’t really imagine not having problems in a relationship. like, I don’t know if this is par for the course. I am trying to focus on the happy moments… mostly around cuddling our cats and walking around arm-in-arm, him giving a dirty look to any guy who checks me out. I kind of like those primal showdowns.

callous bitch entry

Well well well.

I'm afraid this entry might reveal me to be a selfish crabby bitch who can't stand other people.

i think I make more typos on my mac. Just sayin.

Ooh, i'm torrenting alot of muzik recently. good stuff for FREE bitchez. (but am I screwing over the artist?)

My relationships woes are currently on hold as we've discovered the healthy relationship tactic of getting drunk together. Solves many problems, actually. I go to the bar w/ him or his friends and feel like i have a little bit of a life drinking + peeing behind trees. Anyway, on to the thing on my mind.

Let me preface by saying that I have few friends here in the valley, so maybe alot is riding on each of them. With becky leaving soon, we've been hanging out more it seems. Just for coff or I will make her go with me to pilates and we'll analyze every situation for hours. She's a reliable friend because she too has no other friends. she is a very "level-headed" person. she follows a normal sleep schedule, has no boyfriends whatsoever (?), eats well after losing 60 lbs. on Weight watchers, and she always has a talking point from the NY Times. and she takes medication for bi-polar, which I don't know, may explain how fucking boring and normal her life is.

Just before I was to meet her mom, sister, and her for lunch yesterday I started encountering the nagging feeling that some things Becky does "annoy me". One of the primary things was that she kept referring to her mom as simply "Mom" as in, "Mom and I are going to cook dinner". I cn't precisely say why this annoyed me so, I'm sure something to do with an instinctual ownership of my own mom, like I would never call "my mom" "Mom" to someone other than my sister or dad. So, this has been growing on me for a while, and seeing her mom again yesterday brought the issue forward again. It would be awkward to say something about it, I think.

I'll illustrate the main points for anyone interested:

Becky's energy = not a "leader" in the friendship, instead she always looks for cues from me and how to proceed.

i.e. on the telephone, if we talk at the same time: "Oh, what were you going to say? Oh no, you go ahead". She will always truncate her speech often if she thinks I'm about to say something.

Like, fucking say what you want to say.

Her mom: a mousy , passive energy woman just like Becky. At lunch, catastrophic indecision about who would sit where. Again, not a leader.

Um, is this essential? I paid for my own lunch. Becky and Heather also paid their own way. Keep in mind this is Becky's graduation. I just have never encountered this type of parent. Remember that awesome weekend in NY, Nicci's parents paid for dinner for EVERYONE:

ean, molly, tami, nicci at like a fancy resturant in manhattan. 2 bottles of wine, dessert, the whole shabang. i mean, my parents do the same, so I have never experienced this before. I guess parents take on a certain "role" of parent to all of their kids friends, and I can't wait one day to hopefully have the means to pay for my own kids lunch, and their friends if they are lucky enough to have them.

I noticed Becky's mom kind of staring at me. Like in the same way that Becky does. Like, waiting for me to set the mood, to say something witty, to make sense of the world for them. Really freaking weird.

Also I was sensing a general repressed vibe with the family. Like Heather is pregnant with a 1-night stand but they're trying to work it out, I was just happy for her and I was sensing everything no one was saying. Repression kills.

I guess I get crabby when I see parents like not acting in a parent role (or what I perceive as a parental role). My dad always whips out his wallet when I am leaving to come back to MA, and I've just come to accept this gesture of love and support from 1 generation to the next. I've seen Remy's dad do it too, it's like an awkward standoff where his dad asks him if he has enough money, and then regardless of the answer he forces a 50 euro bill on remy. So cute. I mean, I think in way these dads like give in money what they can't give in love or by showing affection.

anyhow, thats a tangent.

But this mentality has gotten me in trouble. Remember Erin struggling to pay for her SUNY school at age 20, and I tactlessly asked her why her dad doesn't help her with money.

I guess we can only speak from our own experience, and hope our ignorance doesn't distance us from others.

I guess I just have higher dreams for myself than to go to my child's graduation and not have a car to drive myself back to the hotel, and have to ask your kid's 28-yr old friend for a ride. And not pay for her lunch. That may be really yuppie of me, but I hope that I have a good job + security in my life when I am 60.

Am I just like super sensitive? Am I such a judgmental bitch I don't even deserve to have friends? Probably yes to both.

Why does it take me so long to recognize these qualities in friends? Like, yesterday becky awkwardly offered me to drive her mom + sister home. I was so uncomfortable I actually put my hand over my face. Such an animal instinct. They quickly were like "no no you don't have to" and I said "no" on body language alone. discomfort all around.

I'd love to have more friends who are sometimes-leaders, sometimes-followers, who have something to offer the relationship, say whatever the fuck is on their minds even if it is crazy.

whatever

it's me.

well I will indulge this fantasy for a little bit that someone reads my blog.

maybe that person is my secret admirer, but I doubt it because I think it's only 1 friend. I don't really care, i mean I just feel like it is a major achievement when I am able to even write a post because everything is such a scramble of weirdness in my life.

The dishes are clean, remy is at aikido, i had bigger dreams for this afternoon than what I did. after a jog I ended up on the couch watching Oprah about these three black kids who were starved and never fed and then adopted by another loving family, and then half talking to my mom tell me about how Lisa visited today etc.

Lately the doldrum of my life has been a mix of excitement for the school year to end + then anxiety about the future. I would like to have a better visualization about what it looks like. Sometimes images of owning a scooter/ moped/ vespa come to me. Other times I would love to live in a city where the anxiety of being a car-owner will not follow me. Other dreams include living in Montreal and finding a nice quebecois boy that I am happy to be with.

Ok so this blog has been basically all about my love life. I just haven't been able to discern if this relationship is the reason for my increasing anxiety (I sometimes wake up and for that first moment of awakeness my breath instantly gets so much faster) especially if I hear R. like coughing or sneezing in the next room. Or if we are actually compatible in any way.

I guess that sounds like it must suck pretty bad.

I also am contemplating people being married, it's somewhat weird. Joy Behar recommends to not get married. I mean, it's something so like, unreversible. Even though it's not. That subject has kind of obsessed me recently, like I am so drawn to the idea of a wedding. But that feeling in the back of your head? That like, what if you are attracted to someone new? Then what? And what if at your wedding you are like in a fight? I can totally picture that happening. Yet all the facebook photos tell us that people are head over heels always, they can't live without each other, they support each other and are each other's best friends. I look at Allie and I feel like bad for her. She is 22 and just got engaged. Maybe a little bit because he is French. Weeks before we were chatting about she wasn't sure, they were fighting, he's so unemotional she felt like being in France no one understand her etc. But then, voila, a facebook announcement and an outpouring of support and hysterical congratulations.

For the people it seems to work for, I have admiration + respect. I kind of have doubt. Like is there really that one person out there?

I sometimes see myself as a divorcee, but a happy one, like with good relationships with exes and kids and whoever. Divorce is lookin' pretty good, and I'm not even married.

Being single sometimes looks so nice. Like, just all the time in the world to do the things you want.

Right?

i guess an "answer" to all this stuff will come soon. If remy leaves the USA with his head in a bucket, thinking of nothing but his next meal I look forward to a new change in the fall, maybe in a new locale! But is that a thinly veiled way of saying I'm done with the relationship, regardless of what he "chooses"? I sometimes cannot stand him. I sometimes think he is so sweet.

AHLALALALALA.

dang

My world is changing a bit, and I'm quite thankful that stopping birth control has let me be more in touch with my emotions. seriously. I'm back to crying at the drop of a hat. even sitting in traffic. even while blowdrying my hair. and I'm thrilled, because this blockaded emotional state for the past two years has let me believe that my life was ok.

I guess lately it's been more obvious how unhappy I am in my relationship. How even though R is a great-dad type he doesn't inspire me the way he comes home at 8 pm hungry for food and watching the boob toob until he decides to go to bed. That said, I don't inspire me much and I don't reckon that I inspire him. But I would like to be inspired and I'm slowing sensing that I gotta be alone to do that for the time being. It's been all about the 'relationship' ever since we moved in together I've slowing let resentment grow over the fact that he isn't marrying me and in consequence I hate him a little bit, we fight over who does less dishes.

One "ah ha" moment came when I was meeting my friends little baby for the first time. She has got it all, right - in 2 years she has gotten engaged, married, honeymooned, bought a house, became pregnant, took a maternity leave, had a baby. All events signifying life moving forward, I guess. and when she prodded a little this week, it was a gorgeous sunny day in northampton, and just starting to talk "well, his visa expires in december and he's not making any moves and we just fight any time I mention it" was all it took for the tears to start. I imagined that she may have felt she was in the presence of two babies at that moment. Two people to soothe and coddle. It was obvious to me that this has silently destroyed my life, and because there are few people to discuss it with, remy and my parents are off-limits, it just festers inside me while I tell myself it's all okay. So in a way I was thankful to be like hyperventilating/crying then. because emotions are our inner compass! thank you, self-help books.

Anyway. It's still not okay. As we speak we still hold addresses at the same house, no decisions have been made except in vague ultimatums, and I still need someone to go with me to see "A Prophet" today at 4 pm at amherst cinema. I was telling my friend that what I want has become so scewed, like do I want a fricking diamond ring in my champagne glass? That couldn't save us I don't think. Maybe I've become one of those girls who accuse their guy of not wanting to marry then when in reality they don't want to marry their guy? Dunno.

This week, i have school vacation and I would love to travel, visit friends and clear my soul of this. nyc? Definitely going to see my friend jen in Rosendale and laugh our pre-guys laugh from when we used to talk on the phone all night. I tell my high schoolers to not grow up too fast, because it all gets so complicated...

On another note, last night I played music in public for the first time in way too long. I was actuallly nervous, but to sum up it felt really good to do it. My trio partners are pretty "amateur" so it has been hard to deal with that! Like, not just talking about the music or notes. But just the attitudes about performing. Like when we were done playing both of them like nervously collected their music and ignored the audience clapping. I stood up and waited for them to look at me so we could all bow. Nothing. Such a basic principle that is instinctual to me now, like the audience shows its appreciation and you best appreciate their clapping. It's incredible. So we walked off stage without bowing or acknowledging them. I really miss playing with good people. You know when you are in good hands, like someone is not going to break down due to nerves. I hate that instabiliity during performance. Like people can become so weak musically. Music is reduced to mere notes. Its painful to go through when you've experienced better. (Do I sound like a snob?)

Nonetheless I am inspired to keep seeking good people to play with and invest emotionally in something that I believe in.

Voila. that is what is going on. Now I am going to listen to a radio program + clean my room. x x x x x x

sunny friday

coucou,

well a few things to share.

You know what your life looks like to a total stranger? Well maybe that is what your life is.

Any strangers in the house?

today had a little shopping orgy at holyoke mall. I had to return a shirt at macy's, so i then looked at shoes - huge sale on boots. I got a 110$ pair of boots for 27 dolla. black, cute, metropolitan, sober, functional.

Then - h + m had some cool stuff. I felt the need to get some summer staples in my wardrobe. Cute adorable cute flats w/ that ankle strap thing. Then, an adorable white knit dress 10$.

the need to shop never really hits me until i bring myself to the store. Ya know? like the mall is otherwise so depressing.

Currently really exasperated at styling my hair. I now have bangs, and I don't know how to get them straight. Preferably without investing in a straightening iron? Any ideas, come on ladies? I tried the round brush idea but it gives me 90's bangs. WTF?

Ok, on to more real things..

Yesterday I drove with remy to Hampshire college - remember the first time I visited with jess in like 2000? And I had a super experience. There was a beautiful visitor spot open for me. It didn't have the hard core parking nazi vibe like umass. At the library I saw someone with the same name as Neil young. I remember him from several years ago when i first moved here. Anyway I got my DVD (entre les murs) thanks to remy, and had an awesome class today showing it to my HSers.

We stopped at Atkins for lunch - I got a TUNA MELT with PROVOLONE FROMAGE. so good!!!

Overall I am asking myself WTF I am gonna do next year for a job. While I am surviving teaching

I am not so much loving it. regardless of the remy situation, I am feeling like a good move for me may be to a city. But how, when, what remains to be seen. I have my fingers crossed for M****** this summer. I guess I on one hand have the baby fever (really hard seeing my friend experience the miracle of birth herself) and wanting to get knocked up, and on the other hand I want to do more things to make my future kid proud of me. Besides assigning homework to asshole students. I want a "real job" where I feel comfortable, preferably in a creative environment with other young people. And I want to just experience city living for real this time. Like, moving to the valley was not a mistake. But I will admit that I did it mainly out of EASE. Like, I really was so fed up with NYC. So much competition for everything. For jobs, for apartments, and for MATES you've got to acknowledge that. I was so not into that scene. the valley is cool but it's also where people go to have babies and give birth with a midwife and enroll the kids in chinese immersion school. I would like to one day maybe be a valley mom. But I should devote the next few years to enjoying my life just for me.

Ironically I applied for an MM... Mostly because I would like insurance, dental too. Yeah, fluting again? Dunno about that.

i just invited Felix to see a concert tonight. It means I have to pay for him cuz I owe him money. UGGGHHHHH FML. Well it should be a good show, but aren't there like welfare class tickets? FIFTEEN DOLLA.

what about you? x x x

Things happening lately:

being diametrically opposed to something yet still obsessed by it. (v day schpiel)

olympics- media americanization of grief (valuing the "brave face")

night out in northampton w/ "mate".

wanting a shot of adrenaline to get myself moving:

Tattoo ideas

pilates

dream of opening skater land

Last night - after spending saturday in the usual remy ithching to "do something" besides buy groceries and sweep the floor, I put on an episode of Mad men, sat him down on the bed and made him watch it with me. He suggests we go "boire un coup" which I ask him to explain. I wonder if he is actually suggesting that we go drink a beer together. I mean, that's a hard concept for me to really get. I guess maybe i associate bars with places to you go to get drunk and get guys numbers and/ or just go to w/ your friend to be admired by lonely losers drinking alone. Plus, i've done it before and remy is a pretty hard core drag at a bar. I remember like just downing beer and it having little effect on me because I'm with someone I'm so obviously going to go home with it's like my body doesn't even register the wild/inhibiting nature of beer. So I just get full and feel fat and burp, and then we drive home to no great fanfare.

Anyway, that's what he meant. So I was like what the hell, and we go. I make him drive. As we pull out of the driveway I half-joking suggest we play the "who would you want to go home with if you weren't in a relationship" game. He says that wouldn't end well he's possibly right. I don't know how it would end, I just know that this evening out will be so boring that we may as well play something so darkly sarcastic and depressing. After checking out a few bars "too crowded", "too expensive", "too many hipsters", we settle on Hugo's. We sit opposite one another (not my choice) and c'est parti. I get cabin fever, he gets steel rail. I spend the next hour + half alternatively wanting him to marry me and wondering how I should break up with him. I start the conversation asking him which characters on Mad Men he found intruiging. "None". I said, well we have nothing else to talk about.

The mood elevated once we got a 4th beer for free (end of the keg) and we were feeling pretty buzzed, too buzzed to remember that we were possibly no longer in love or ever were. Being drunk, the conversation drifted toward how I enjoy wonderful friendships with my exes and he is entitled to the same. I told him I haven't read him email in quite a while - 6 months? a year? and that even when I did it was due to my own self-hate. We briefly referenced his ex who wouldn't stop texting him while I was visiting last summer. It was so fricking annoying and weird. He eventually told her off and she now never talks to him. In my drunkenness I told him that I was over her, while I truly am, like I know that I wouldn't want to be her friend cuz I can sense her vibe + i don't like her vibe.

[End of entry 4 now...]

Der

hey all.

well, I'm currently feeling dumb because I just saw comments left here by a friend! Duh. I thought blogger was sposed to notify me of that or something? i have a prettier blog at tumblr now, request link, fans!

Anyway let's talk about valentine's day. Mine looked something like this. saturday afternoon, the 13th, i spend the day doing errands w/remy. we get back home, he weirdly says that he has to "go to northampton" randomly by bus. I know why. I go "I didn't get you anything either for valentines day, just so you know." this starts a conversation of how he doesn't know what to get me anyway, why don't we just go out to eat or something.

He didn't catch the hints I have been dropping for the past week - i want another orchid. I want a white orchid + they sell them at trader joes where we go at least 3 times a week.

not to mention that an amazing boyfriend would get me a diamond ring under my pillow as I wake up to breakfast in bed and all I am asking for is a fricking orchid, but whatever that's another story.

We go our separate ways - him to play guitar like an autistic child for an hour, me to make banana pudding + listen to this american life. As I'm stirring it over in my x chromosoned brain I'm starting to feel pretty pissed that he waits until today to "panic" and get me some shit I don't need, only to suggest we go out to eat since it is easier. Is a little romance too much to ask of this guy?

Cue the waterworks. we have a little stupid fight ala valentines day fight, he puts on his winter coat + announces that he will be back in 45 minutes.

I know where he is going. He is biking to traders to get me my stupid orchid that he hadn't thought hard enough to get me in the first place.

Wonderful.

He comes back with a dozen pink roses from whole foods. Am I supposed to be like, swooning over the romantic gesture of him biking in 20 degree weather to get me a stupid gift at the last minute?

The flowers are past bloom and probably too expensive. Since he can't hide them, he presents them to me, I smile but not really, and I tell him to find a vase because I don't have one. They're gonna be dead soon anyway, but whatever.

THAT'S WHY I WANTED AN ORCHID.

Happy valentine's day. I spent the morning dressed in my PJs watching the sopranos, then took a bath and half heartedly shaved my legs- I guess I owe it to my partner to look half decent in the sack.

I am uttlery convinced that Valentine's is destined to be miserable all around. Like, no one wins. Except the single people knowing that they are going home alone tonight! it's a beautiful thing.

x x x x x x!!!!!

coucou

c'est moi.

i am listening to a ricky gervais podcast now,

Thursday night- ive noticed that people manage to be in good moods on thurs night. Tonight in northampton the cold does not keep people home, there was a line for a crappy local burger.

well what is on my mind is a mix of confidence in saturn returns (do you know astrology?), it's the period at around 27-29 that makes you evaluate big time the direction you are going, and you fully become your adult self during this time. wikipedia it.

anyway. I am a little bit broke because around xmas I buy everything I ever wanted, and then I spend january eating beans from a can. one of those things I wanted was a pair of boots for $109 that I think i'm gonna return. you know when you just like, need to buy a certain object?

otherwise I'm just hoping to distill my little joys into jars this year. joys at hearing from friends from childhood, having the internet keep us all in contact even if we don't need all the info about random people you went to HS with, and letting it bring us joy! The other day on skype jen's face was like delayed from her speech and in slow motion, so I got to see her huge laughing smile for an extended time, and I loved it. x x x