My world is changing a bit, and I'm quite thankful that stopping birth control has let me be more in touch with my emotions. seriously. I'm back to crying at the drop of a hat. even sitting in traffic. even while blowdrying my hair. and I'm thrilled, because this blockaded emotional state for the past two years has let me believe that my life was ok.
I guess lately it's been more obvious how unhappy I am in my relationship. How even though R is a great-dad type he doesn't inspire me the way he comes home at 8 pm hungry for food and watching the boob toob until he decides to go to bed. That said, I don't inspire me much and I don't reckon that I inspire him. But I would like to be inspired and I'm slowing sensing that I gotta be alone to do that for the time being. It's been all about the 'relationship' ever since we moved in together I've slowing let resentment grow over the fact that he isn't marrying me and in consequence I hate him a little bit, we fight over who does less dishes.
One "ah ha" moment came when I was meeting my friends little baby for the first time. She has got it all, right - in 2 years she has gotten engaged, married, honeymooned, bought a house, became pregnant, took a maternity leave, had a baby. All events signifying life moving forward, I guess. and when she prodded a little this week, it was a gorgeous sunny day in northampton, and just starting to talk "well, his visa expires in december and he's not making any moves and we just fight any time I mention it" was all it took for the tears to start. I imagined that she may have felt she was in the presence of two babies at that moment. Two people to soothe and coddle. It was obvious to me that this has silently destroyed my life, and because there are few people to discuss it with, remy and my parents are off-limits, it just festers inside me while I tell myself it's all okay. So in a way I was thankful to be like hyperventilating/crying then. because emotions are our inner compass! thank you, self-help books.
Anyway. It's still not okay. As we speak we still hold addresses at the same house, no decisions have been made except in vague ultimatums, and I still need someone to go with me to see "A Prophet" today at 4 pm at amherst cinema. I was telling my friend that what I want has become so scewed, like do I want a fricking diamond ring in my champagne glass? That couldn't save us I don't think. Maybe I've become one of those girls who accuse their guy of not wanting to marry then when in reality they don't want to marry their guy? Dunno.
This week, i have school vacation and I would love to travel, visit friends and clear my soul of this. nyc? Definitely going to see my friend jen in Rosendale and laugh our pre-guys laugh from when we used to talk on the phone all night. I tell my high schoolers to not grow up too fast, because it all gets so complicated...
On another note, last night I played music in public for the first time in way too long. I was actuallly nervous, but to sum up it felt really good to do it. My trio partners are pretty "amateur" so it has been hard to deal with that! Like, not just talking about the music or notes. But just the attitudes about performing. Like when we were done playing both of them like nervously collected their music and ignored the audience clapping. I stood up and waited for them to look at me so we could all bow. Nothing. Such a basic principle that is instinctual to me now, like the audience shows its appreciation and you best appreciate their clapping. It's incredible. So we walked off stage without bowing or acknowledging them. I really miss playing with good people. You know when you are in good hands, like someone is not going to break down due to nerves. I hate that instabiliity during performance. Like people can become so weak musically. Music is reduced to mere notes. Its painful to go through when you've experienced better. (Do I sound like a snob?)
Nonetheless I am inspired to keep seeking good people to play with and invest emotionally in something that I believe in.
