where we are at now

That old instinct to push someone away. Why?

To not be seen. Really seen. To not give something a try. Because it is easier to walk away than to risk being SEEN, to risk being HURT, to invest an optimism in something and then feel REJECTED. 

Anyway after meeting chris to tell him what's wrong with him and that we aren't connecting, it turns out he had the emotional maturity to challenge me, respond to me, and we finished the conversation rekindling our chemistry - intellectual and physical - and now we are still on our path and my mentality has certainly changed. I'm sitting with the feelings of desire, vulnerability, desire for connection that kind of makes me open to..... being disappointed or "rejected". But i can't reject myself. I unconditionally love myself and support myself. I am whole yada yada yada. 

And the time we spent together the other night was awesome. He's a fuckin babe. "And even though we both fly

Give each other space and not the evil eye"

It's summer, I am feeling totally open to expressing my passions, interests in languages, travel, health, fitness, music, and staying healthy so that I can live to the fullest. And I'm armed with a better iron supplement so hopefully that will help my energy level. I'm lucky.

And in all the goodness that is going on, I can have a cutie by my side to make all the goodness even sweeter...

Such a vivrant thing...

therapeute

11 am appointment today. Amazing work. It took a few sessions to adjust to her but I am really getting something out of our sessions.

"you have a hard time asserting your own power"

"Instead of risking rejection or 'being seen', you would rather keep them at bay" 

Hence the attractions to the people who cannot truly 'see me". 

She thinks that chris is uncomfortable for me because I don't have the control. Not sure if his lifestyle is conducive to a sustenant relationship. But I am attracted to him. But I have the urge to "break up with him" just like Frank did me in 2012.

Yeah, and he has roommates... it's a financial concern... so no privacy at his house, and honestly they don't exactly inspire me. 

Just like I don't want to tell him I don't like being fucked that hard and am not into his kinky requests, I also avoid the conversation of "how we are evolving", and "here are my concerns". Just to be open to what he says. 

I hope to initiate that convo some night this week. 

After reading Alice's cool zine "poems about girls".... I feel inspired to write some poems about men... kind of about my hatred for them and love of crushing their testicles. Kind of a potent area where I can explore my anger... and assert my power. When I think about Chris I think about this specifically male way of being in the world. All about him and his cock. All the porno he grew up on has taught him that to please a woman you just fuck her hard. 

And the wildest thing today... Mike is "in a relationship" on FB! It's only been 2 weeks! I'm almost broken up w someone in these 2 weeks!! Wild. Battled feelings of disappointment, but intuitively knew that he's not the right one for me. So I'm happy for him... she seems more mainstream and younger than me. No more trying to pretend he understands what tempeh is. 

see into me

you want me to fuck you with my vibrator? 

You want to have some of my ibruprofen to prepare for your workout tomorrow? Cuz u left yours at work?

You want me to watch you jerk off and cup your balls until you come?

You want me to  sit on your face while you jerk off?  

you want me to stick my finger in your butthole while you fuck me?

You want me to be so awesome, and so amazing, and have interesting interests, and have a rich social life that I hardly need you? 

You want me to fit so perfectly into your google calendar? 

You want me to never demand too much of you emotionally?

I don't know if I am gonna do these things for u. Except sit on your face. 

"dear john"

Hey. I wanted to write to you after today. I guess I'm wondering what's wrong, but I probably know. 

It does feel to me that we are probably on different paths. After our conversation last week, it seemed hopeful that we could continue on, be open and communicate etc. But I really can't do it. I don't have the sexual energy or emotional energy available to give to 2 different people. There were the long-distance guys I told you about, but there is another one who is local. It would be splitting hairs to say that things haven't exactly gotten sexual, but it's definitely going to. And it's been recent and hard to know exactly how to communicate it to you. So no, I'm not saying that like he's the one or something, but I do want to give it my energy right now, because I've discovered that trying to multi-task at this does NOT work for me. 

Did you have a date Saturday? I am very intuitive...

I have a feeling that our purpose in each others' lives was about awakening us sexually. Going through our early dating revealed to me that I do indeed have a sex drive and WANT to connect with someone on that plane, as well as emotionally. It's important to me. I didn't always believe that. And then honestly, the sex was great with you, and yeah, it doesn't sit right that we got there so briefly... gave us just  a taste of something awesome. But I don't know how else to frame it. 

senior

Tomorrow is the last day of school. It's a day we all revere throughout the year. June 10. All will be beautiful, we will be carefree. 

Here I am the night of, and I am feeling all kinds of feelings. Impending anxiety. Yes, that I won't have my emotional life filler or teenagers. 

in my personal life, it's lookin good with Chris. But it's also lookin good with Mike. 

In therapy, a great concept was unveiled. That I get a high off of "validation", and this has played out in both relationships to students and peers. A "quick hit". 

VALIDATION. I feel validated when a 17 yr old has the hots for me. I feel validated when a colleague wants to bang me. 

Underneath, perhaps is lurking a belief that I'm not all that great. Maybe? 

Why do I need the validation? That I am pretty, or sexy, or creatively relevant? 

These little micro-seconds of seeing my journey with Chris. If he doesn't text and I'm feeling emotionally fragile, the places my mind jumps to.. 

Wanting to 'make plans" and 'speak my heart" to him and then having the withdrawing impulse. To act aloof or distant because I think it is a safer bet than emotional vulnerability.

That *no fear* thing would be useful. 

And also, I'm not religious, but I need to let "God" take care of it. He will guide me to the right relationship. The one that will make me grow and the one that will help my  energy vibration on this Earth to get higher. And if that's Chris, awesome. If not, awesome. 

5 juin

The angel card reading today was "Simplicity".... try to imagine something that has been a burden in your life, imagine it being lifted, how much you feel relieved, and then that will help for a creative solution to manifest and for your life to simplify.

"Your ego will tell you that a simple life if boring or lacking in prestige. But your body and soul will tell you that they crave simplicity for health and happiness."

Something new has come into my life. And now I would like to focus on just that. I feel like diving in actually. No other distractions. I can feel it, intuitively. I just want one thing. Not several. Not my phone blinging up with guys wanting a weekend night with me. 

But last night I didn't communicate well, and I still have a distraction in my life. And I wasn't honest. I told him a lot. But not everything. And now I will kiss 2 pair of lips this weekend, when really I want to focus on only one pair of lips. 

I burned sage in my house last night after Mike left. I slept v well. 

Mike has been in a dark period. The car, the injury at work, the rental, the insurance issue, then all those things he told me about those 2 twisted sexual experiences he had. Ouch. He is feeling blue. I was staring at him and listening to his words just like I used to do with Remy and whoever else. Listening to their sad little stories. Listening and making them feel heard. Having patience. When I came out with an abrupt "I think we should take a breather" he didn't respond well. So I like back-pedaled and pussied out so to speak. And let him think that there was maybe a future between us. 

I have this little nest here. This beautiful space. And students are about to leave. Just my little sanctuary. I want to enjoy every moment here. And prepare myself for the next chapter. Cleanse. Purge. Travel lightly with the essentials. 

I don't have time for being half in a few different things. 

I haven't really told you about Chris. We have been on a few dates. The vibe is good. He is like "together".... and even like a gentleman in a way which usually annoys me. All I can think is that, I haven't been ready for a guy like him before now. I haven't felt worthy. I shied away when a guy talked about our relationship lasting on the long-term. That was easier, less risk. And here is this 30-year old with a good job at vassar who owns a fricking HOUSE.... where typically I would find something wrong with him so I had an excuse to walk away. And I find myself interested. 

I was reading Janne's poetry about how she wants a man whose mountain is as big as hers. That is exactly what I want. But so often I would be intimidated by a guy like that. So I went for losers, where it was easy to know where I stood. And they always had time open for me. And they struggled in their lives, and I was so happy to bend over to give them a hand. Instead of raising my vibration and build my own palace. And now I am ready to build a palace with a guy who has a high energy vibration too. Who is excited about life. Who is on a trajectory upward. 

I gotta get ready for the New Paltz pride parade now. Taking a few students. Muah. XOXO