action de grace

i remember when we used to 

I remember playing the Carmen fantasie for senior citizens, some sort of Culture Club.

again the pretty ladies are all alone tonight. 

Will kim K age gracefully? that weird video makes me think that they really love each other, but are also so narcissistic, each of them.

Hiked for a good hour at Amethyst with nico, and then I had a tummy ache. Is anyone reading this? Because u can look away for this paragraph. Drastic times call for drastic measures. 

my parents are in the midst of a feral cat rescue. My mom thinks she is saving those street cats from Queens by bringing them up to westchester where they have human values thrust upon them; regular food and a roof over their head, and quiet at night. It has come between my parents and I understand why.  

you are better off without him

that is what everybody says. They tell you you dodged a bullet. If the all-punk only-punk CD collection (CDs!) didn't tell you what you needed to know I can't help you. Well, it's over, and there is always an infuriating quality in the air. You want them to KNOW it's them, not you. You want them to KNOW that they will be single forever or with an inflatable doll only. Cuz they are terrified of intimacy, with a real person, with thornes in their side and big bushes. Those imperfect, terrifying  living beings with full hearts. 

You knew everything you needed to know. But you were patient. You protected his ego. When you sat next to him at the comedy show you hated the way he laughed. you said nothing. You wanted him to have a good birthday, so you fucked him in a public hot tub. When you said u were too hot and put back on your bikini you weren't too hot. You felt nasty. At this guy who is not receptive to you. Who doesn't adore your little quirks or memorize your nervous ticks. He is too nervous. Can't take the control away from keeping up the facade of this guy who has everything together. He's solid, responsible, knows what he wants in life. Adventurous, punk rock you might say. If u believed for a goddamn second the surface he shows the world. 

Yet it's you in the end who he has to race to the finish line. It's to you he has to announce that your dog can't sleep in his bed, then he has to vaccuum the next day, it's to you he announces "it's just not working for me" with that grimace he makes, wistful, wants you to look everywhere but on the inside of him. The love wasn't there, quoi. Maybe if it were someone else. Who knows. It couldn't have been someone else.  You are the bullet I am dodging yet again. It's to you who he announces "je me suis retracte...depuis une semaine..." Fuck. This. Guy. 

I was in the show after my blue day-- Monday-- and I thought, wouldn't it be cool if I can expediate all this shit and just be over it, NOW, there is nothing graceful about an extended mourning period over an ex with whom it didn't work once, then a stupid dating phase which also bombed... Ok, graceful perhaps, but unnecessary. I tried to hold onto those little snippets of myself which feel that you know, I am worthy of an emotionally vulnerable guy. Who really tries to open himself. Otherwise it's all facade. All of those zebra print towels and vegetable cutting boards and makeup cases as gifts,it's all the surface. Because he can't for a second actually LOOK at the person I am. C'est toi qui aime le zebre. Not me. But that would have required you to look deep inside me, which would endanger you to be really seen, deeply, for who you are, beyond the zebra and polka dots and ramones paraphernalia. All his generosity of paying for meals and movie tickets and whatever doesn't hold a candle flame to the real emotional investment people make when they fall in love. They risk everything. Their hearts are open. It's the biggest wager u make in your life, and the most rewarding... 

I know for sure that I am worthy of that and I can somehow see it coming to me. Because these experiences have ignited this openness. I don't wanna be 42 and glooming around my 1 bedroom apartment with immaculate decor. Voila quoi. 

No more BS

I wish i had curly hair like this curly haired girl. 

My antidepressants are making me depressed...

Ry called, we spoke about how the G o T violence toward the body is really 

gone too far. Then he had to go make a delivery so we said we'll talk later. 

Evening with Michael, inspiring... he tells me that a book could be made 

about it all. Could i??? 

i want someone to change my password.... so that i can't go on the dreaded 

social network..

Should we put the baby before the bathwater? Or the baby before the 

babycarriage? 

Remember how I wanted rem to buy a bed with me, to get a bigger apartment, 

to start dreaming of owning a house. He would dismiss all of those yearnings 

toward something better, because he was not in a position to starting 

thinking of that. i.e. had no money. 

But isn't that how we get places we want to be? 

Before there are the toys and the jungle gym and the garden in the side yard 

there is an implausible peek in the newpaper just to dream. 

It is like when I realized I wanted to live alone I kind of dismissed the 

idea to myself, and then i started opening the pathway for it to come. And 

come it did. 

And I feel like in a way I never want to leave where I live. 

But how can i say that? 31, unattached... to any job or kids or anyone. N o 

one is my anchor is the truth. 

==============================

June 17 2013. 

Sunday. Deb will possibly talk to Sarah tomorrow about quitting. At least 

not going along with her new employee structure. Deb said "I'll wait until 

Monday -- I don't know why but I'll wait until then."

Sunday. Jen texts me while Im  at Dorin's gettin my hair super blonded. 

"serious shit is going down."

By the end of the week, she will decide if she will abandon physical therapy 

school for good, to go back to massage and things that she wants. if she is 

trying to be something she is not. 

She will decide by the end of this week. 

She will also begin to grieve the sudden move of Andy to back to his home 

town. 

I have this week alone to go to FASRI, sign a contract, and tell APC that I 

will transfer to Providence. 

In one week.

This is a big week. the stars are telling us. 

Last ight, date with "Jamie Hogan". 

He had bought me + julie a drink at NBC. Then came up to talk to us. Yada 

yada. To be done with it I gave him my number, even though I didn't like how 

he touched my shoulder for a few seconds too long. He texted me + we made a 

plan to have dinner. Etc. at fresh side. 

idrank ginger vodka lemonade and tons of yummy oodles of noodles. Then we 

went to amco, had some bourbon, i drove home and was asleep in 2 seconds. 

I think I have... gasp, screen fatigue. 

I didn't like the dude. He left me with so little impression. He is 44 with 

2 twenty something daughters. WOW. that is different from 42 years old Frank 

dressing in punk clothes and at punk shows. 

He admired my hands and held them. Stop. But thanks for dinner. 

I was lucky that he didn't try to kiss me. 

I am  tired of dancing this dance. Playing the game. Listening and nodding. 

The requisite "thank you" text and being too busy to hang out again. 

Boundary boundary boundary. 

Aaron: he tried to do the dance with me. I always had to get up early the 

next morning. I always had other plans but let me take a rain check on that 

bottle of wine and you in that apartment before your roommate comes back. 

(remember that text!). 

Then he stopped responding to my texts, presumably because it wasn't easy 

enough to sleep with me?... and I am left of the memory of his blatant 

attempt to get me HAMMERED on gin + tonic at his apartment, while I 

recovered in his bed he drunkenly cuddled me. How does it feel to be a guy 

and want pussy so bad that you are happy to get drunk pussy. That is how the 

world works, I guess, and men are dogs. The essential conclusion. the sexual 

drive is so brutal that they fight for scraps.  

Where I feel mad and wronged is that I wronged myself. I wasn't interested 

in him!!!!! Wah wah. So what is my problem with boundaries. Why am I so shy 

to reject guys, to not return their calls. 

Guess what, I am fucking allowed to be selective. With my time. With who can 

get my rocks off. Lately I have not been very  selective. Aaron can right 

after I barf everything up into his bathroom. Disgusting. I was drunk, but I 

think I opened a box in his bathroom and in it were condoms for his skinny 

bone.

Now he is trolling around town in preppy clothes, trolling for pussy... 

trolling for his 'unbearable lightness of being' type of chick. Why is he 

invoking such wrath in me? This skinny bookish classical saxophone player! I 

think it is because he is so everything I hate about masculinity at this 

moment. These dudes who think they are god's gift to women, so they will 

spend their bachelor years collecting pussy after pussy. Until *they* are 

ready to commit to one. I remmeber how he just fricking bored me to death 

while I was like "mm hmm. Oh interesting." about his stories about partying 

in Saint Tropez or on the UES with the heir to Louis Vuitton. 

I am most mad at myself. For letting him bore me. For letting him think that 

I was considering sleeping with him. For letting him think that he could 

score a girl like me. Gain some weight first please!!!

Excuse me while I....delete him # from my phone. 

The ultimate fuck you sendoff!!! haha.

Cambridge... 

katie's wedding... there I was with FV charming everyone... the way he 

speaks so confident + kind, and smart! What a class act. driving home, C 

quoi le projet immediat? on va chez moi... fumer de l'herbe... ecouter du 

Crisis, depeche mode la nouvelle... what is ensues is pure 100% hotness on 

my zebra rug. we are loving it.... What is the difference between that sex + 

the sex with Juse where I'm kinda half into it? Explain. in fact juse didn't 

finish because I was like "good night..." hahaha. I wasn't into it. But juse 

is a great guy. I think it was my mixed feelings about it all. But isn't 

frank just a sex partner? then what makes it so good, how am I able to be so 

completely into the sex with FV? I tend to think it isn't totally about 

*love* but it's about connection somehow. We kiss when he leaves... I think 

we should talk on Tuesday. Is he interested in trying to be a couple again? 

I have to say I have mixed emotions bout that. What we have is so good for 

*today* but maybe not for *demain*. Here I am reliving it. I have achieved 

awesome sex in my lifetyme. It's an achievement. I've pursued my own 

pleasure. Like Anais Nin. i remember reading her in high school about her 

escapades with women + Henry Miller and how it made me dreeeeeammmm. Now all 

is good and lovely, but I would also like a dude who wants to grow a baby 

with me and who I don't mind being around essentially 24/7. Someone who 

accepts my messy kitchen and my dog fur everywhere. I am not sure that 

person is FV, but we can wait and see. I'll ask him on Tuesday. He is 

fiercely protective of his own space and his own time. I remember that 

inflexibility when we were together. He is not the type for whom raising a 

child would come easily... especially the infant stage.  Poopy diapers... up 

all night... cranky frank... But his bank account and stable job I admit is 

an aprodisiac.... if his hot bod isn't enough of one already. Meowwwww!!!

So I will go home now. 

I'll finish my staff report for Yale.

I'll apply to EF brighton, see if I can weave some substituting or teaching 

into a residential position. It is quite rushed but  I could do this for the 

Sept return to school. I just need to pay for my apartment for Sept and have 

my dog stay with my parents :(  Were it for 1 semester only... I think my 

parents would see the value. No-risk move to boston to check out the scene. 

So I put some water on the stove. i kept thinking "it smells like something 

is burning... but i don't remember putting something on the stove." well I 

had, and it was... 

I saw  some of ruvi's Twihards. just wanted to say that. Coco + Sen passed 

me at Woodstar... they gave me a look that said "i know"... They know. 

Here I am back in the Valley. Got some good experience living at Yale this 

summer. Teaching (even though my teaching sometimes sucked)... I have to 

stop touching students on the shoulders. It's not so cute. Remember how I 

was massaging Cruz's neck once? And I completely embraced Hugo once. Like a 

fricking bear hug from behind. Not cool, guys. Then I touched Eiseke 

forgetting he was not my usual student. he was prob like "wtf"... is this 

what the american teachers do... 

Stop with the endless joking in class. As Juse says... i don't want to joke 

around all-the-time. 

The Pirate Coast

To do: return maxi dress to marshalls. 

Return shoes to Marshalls. Find other cute flats... Flats aren't really my 

thing... I have athletic legs I think that is why. 

Last night, home from dorin's, bad mood for a few reasons.... the day felt 

exhausting. Only walked 3 dogs but it took me forever... Thai had to take 

him way to puffers due to student move in... 

le marijuana mene a l'heroine. Discuss.

Don't forget:

nico's dog bowl, dog bed. 

echantillon d'hommes...

stephen harper est sexy

une femme le defie...

plusieurs jouissances

sincerement

poor white trash

la Zef?? La zep?

fais toi

jalouse et mesquienne

perdu par un poil

cote

Vient de m'acheter une classe de ELL , hybride online et en personne... with 

the goal of by next year-ish being fully certified in teaching ELL 5-12. and 

having a .... real job doing that, one day ;) Here I am, having taught at 

Yale... I do love teaching new immigrants, but the pay overall is very poor. 

In cities, companies like EF, Kaplan, pay their instructors per hour very 

part-time, no security... Necessarily they have to clump several teaching 

gigs together to make a decent  living. Like musicians. i would like to work 

a little bit, with real kids, and not work as hard as a French teacher (tee 

hee), and have summer vacation to do as I please. I guess that is what all 

these people are chasing...

Now, the universe is giving me some potential dog walking clients...Buddy 

3x/week.. Thai 5 x week, then Selur... then maybe Mina. These connections 

seem to happen spontaneously. Woman "violet" at esselon.. Deb and i working 

so well together... think about having 4-6 clients in one day for the hour 

walk. I would make a killing. Of course, there would be rough days too. I 

can still do my au pair stuff... mayybe get some more families :p

It's a scorcher

FV... I have lyme, can't walk... he asks me to go to the hot tub for his 

bday. Sounds good. Muscles are killin me. he kind of has like no game.. he 

comes onto me in the hot tub. DUH... did I not see that coming? My pussy is 

not really happy with me at the moment. he was all, kissy kissy, then like 

I'm gonna take off your bikin top, then I'm gonna untie your bikini bottoms 

(really?). and then I'm gonna go "t'es belle..." "j'ai envie de toi..." 

What is wrong with ME, mostly. 

I was like, let's not do this here... fait trop chaud. I feel like not 

comfortable, get out, like having lost my bikini bottoms (they are in the 

filter)...kinda feelin awkward... Half hour passes quickly.

We are out and go to dinner at bistro les gras. Super yummy. I'm feeling 

better. 

talk talk talk.... whatever.

Prior to this night, I was thinking, u know, I want to be with a man who 

takes care of me, when that takes on a non-sexual vibe, it's true love.. 

Making me feel good that night (I literally had spent the morning in Urgent 

care + can hardly walk down stairs...) could mean something other than 

sticking it in me... despite the crude language, and the connection that I 

do feel for him... it does feel all of a sudden as crude as that. My pussy 

is like in hiding. Making her have sex in a hot tub? It's not a good time, 

lubrification-wise... and all those exchanged liquids... all those 

hormones.. it's just not like having regular sex in a bed or wherever else. 

It sucks.  And here I am with this weird feeling that I am doing that with a 

guy who clearly is starting to take this more seriously than I am...

ro

I guess I am feeling this uncomfortable feeling. Like it was fun last 

spring, the occasional exciting hook up.. The monthly night of fantasy.. 

then this summer when I noticed he was like emailing me more often than I 

thought he would.. and then now like, the hot tub invitation... all of a 

sudden this is resembling something else. Yet he hasn't said anything 

explicitly to me. like "I've changed.." or "my feelings for you are 

changing"  so what is that about? I texted him today to get a coffee. we 

will tomorrow... today we were too cranky. And, frankly, I think that he 

owes me an explanation... just  like the way he did when he needed to 

abruptly break up with me.

He broke things off with me last year... so I had to adjust my brain to 

accept that. So I did, I was like "he's a great friend... in fact this is 

going much better than the relationship." Why did I have a sneaking 

suspicion that he would be back to try again. And yet here I am, enabling 

him to do so. Having sex outside of monogamy, like the TV show warns 

against. Here I am, taking a pregnancy test this morning at the toilet... 

hoping the red line doesn't make the cross. 

====================September 20 2013

So... the seeing each other continues, it blooms in the bedroom and bombs on 

the daily interaction level. I have this feeling that I can't relax around 

him. That it's all an act.. on both sides. I'm a stronger person now that I 

was. So I wait it out. All the while kinda expecting him to me replaquer, 

isnt that wild. It's gonna be him who freaks. I like the occasional 

companionship, and the sex. Can I draw the line there? Tell him that is all 

I like about him? It is what I felt when we were together... that he won't 

let go of his grip enough to let me see him on a deep level. So it's a 

feeling that if I reveal myself completely to him, it will only bomb. 

Because there will be an imbalance. So here I am, playing along... you know 

when I have loved him in the past? When he first wakes up in the morning and 

has to hold the clock right in front of his face because he is myopic. 

Seeing this stroke of vulnerability. Beautiful. 

September 28==============================

Quelle semaine. samedi soir. viens de me faire un petit diner de je sais pas 

quoi avec des marshmallow, et 2 cookies que j'ai fait (pas terrible..) the 

chia seeds are getting stuck in my teeth. These cookies are good for 

breakfast... hearty, not too sweet. In the past 2 days I have been to 

luncheon for Alyce with my family, then to Tarrytown for an interview at EF, 

then back home for dinner, then to the bathroom to get sick (dunno why), 

then to the reservoir this morning with my parents, then to hadley to drop 

off Nico + get my textbook. Then to marlborough largely misguided by my GPS. 

Fuck that thing. I was  half an hour late to my class. Then I felt all like 

I don't belong to those people. I get all syked about a new career, and then 

I feel like I am at an awkward faculty room staredown... everyone feels so 

mediocre. So field hockey. So jamie antonaccio. you know? Yet I am still 

intrigued as to earning this credential. A real license, a certification, 

that can get me hired someday.

des similitudes

cette postule la

autour d'elle

il y a eu...

se rajeunit

When i came back from EF IB, (why name their school that? It reminds 

everyone of Irritible Bowel) I was thinking of how it would all work out 

well... i'll start on 7 Oct, i'll work until dec 7th. maybe I'll go away to 

FR or to spain or ireland for a few days once that ends... maybe not, maybe 

I'll just pay off my CC... i was fantasizing about how this can help me... 

it gives me an affiliation that the ESL world recognizes etc. 

I will leave the house by 7:30, I will get my smoothie ready the night 

before. I will get soy chocolate powder (spirutein maybe) and make that 

things taste really good. I will drink it in the car on the peaceful drive 

down 684 and SMP to tarrytown. Easy drive. and I will also drink coffee on 

the way down to wake up. This is only until January. How bad can you fuck it 

up? Will your students hate you? Eh alors? Will I do a good job teaching 

TOEFL? I have never laid eyes on the test. But having a focus perhaps will 

make the teaching easier. I can google that shit. Gimme a focus. Do my ESL 

class. Get some grad credits. Apply to the license. Submit my transcripts.  

Work out a payment plan. Figure out my life post-February. Feeling good. 

Able to buy an ipad and stuff. Maybe a tattoo.

To tell myself:

Breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. 

breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. 

Be kind to yourself. 

Dr. Folchman helped me see so many things. Today my thoughts about Frank 

were starting to feel like pissed at how he is. That is a sign for me to 

back off I believe. He is emotionally absent. He is always surveilling that 

his relationship to me does not infringe on his relationship with himself. 

God forbid he loses his 'equilibre' for a day. Once the anger clears I see 

someone who is insecure. Who keeps up his english punk clothes to tell the 

world something. It says "I am this person, and I'm not flinching" Not even 

when I am 42. As ryan says, that style of dressing was like an organic 

occurance at the time it was produced. 

I actually feel repressed when I go to his house, there is only punk music 

on CD, there is only zebra everything. It makes me feel so uncomfortable, in 

a way I couldn't identify when we first were dating. 

Why am I using my energy to put him down. He needs love as much as I do. 

I have to tell him that we can be occasional companions. but I need an 

emotionally open partner. One who is capable of being vulnerable, taking a 

risk, for me.  The sex was awesome though. No one can take that away.

fil des evenements

gonna

try to write about this thing that is bothering me.

Oh, aren't we fortunate to have hearts that hurt sometimes?

he cocked his head to the side

 samedi soir.... nous voila...

I have watched 2 episodes of gossip girl.... then 2 of Portlandia... then listened to Nick Cave.... then take my vitamins and washed dishes in my kitchen sink.

I could say i savored my own company... but it's out of balance in that I spend most days and nights with myself, it loses its novelty, u know?

I remember that feeling I used to have in college, so excited to curl up in my dorm room and read beat poetry... That passionate girl must still reside in me, but the internet has made her a lot fucking stupider. And sucked into negative comparisons to herself and others in her peer set. Do I need to know that Sarah found her dream boy, now has a proper ring, and 100 "likes" of her choreographed photo? Aw, even alternative chicks like her find the right guy and get engaged. Except you, what the fuck is goin on there??? No man, just a sad story about an ex boyfriend who never could "pop the question". And another sad story about an emotionally absent guy who is good in bed, and that is good enough for "now". Does that count for anything now-a-days?

it's not the first visit to facebook of the day that kills it. It's the subsequent "whats going on now?" keeping it open in the browser... excitedly awaiting for the notification to tell me that I have a new like or friend request or new message from a guy who lives 3 time zones away. 

Yet who can point the finger... whose fault is it all. At what point do you shut out the distraction, get off your ass, and live your life, guided by your own sense of direction and innate sense of where to go. Those who say "But... maybe he really loves me, i'll wait + see..." --- they will see that they go nowhere and the love never arrives. The voice of the wretched former beauty queen..

Just got a feint feeling of excitement of gaining some momentum working with the population of students I enjoy, that is international privileged rich kids..... if only I could earn some more money NOW. that has been a struggle. Guess what, for the first time, I think to myself, you can move out of your apartment in October! U can do whatever the fuck U want. Do you have the courage?? Its ok, if the cats have to move back to my parents. It's OK, if Nico has to live with them for awhile. Its OK Its OK. Why am I sticking around the valley?? Yeah, it's cool paying very low rent and taking hikes pretty much every day for a few dogs as my job. Not cool basically not affording groceries. 

Things that make me feel good

Learning spanish

Having good collegial bonding experiences

Reading and listening to French radio, and speaking French with phillippe or Frank or Julie..

Playing with dog/ staring into his face

Working out -- cardio & 1 lb weight work on my arms. 

Drinking water

Making smoothies with spinach chia seeds berries almond milk yogurt etc.

Having sex with someone I feel attracted to

Watching Louis CK standup... I can't believe him...

Also Reggie Watts...

Watching the 1st half hour of Kathy Lee + Hoda.... OK it's true, I like that.

Washing my hair with Pureology shampoo for Platinum hair, and feeling that my blond locks are healthy and looking luscious.

Feeling tired of making lists.... gonna go lie in bed and drift to sleep, first I will let the dog pee. 

XO XO looking forward to rain tomorrow. 

fin aout

coucou. Just had some frozen yogurt with Ry, black forest flavor... the dude makes me smile he's great. Last night it was katie's wedding... i was mostly in tears during the ceremony. Not really tears of joy. I wanted to examine why it is hard for me to see my friends succeed... achieve 'happiness' or whatever. Here I was at Newman Center... where remy used to eat omelettes everyday... thinking that I should be here at this wedding with someone. That I should be moved out of my 1-bedroom apartment by now. That I shouldn't be sleeping w 2 different guys in the same week, thrilling as it is. I'm more than sowing my wild oats... My life is one big wild oat. :)

Of course, it brings up many feelings about Remy. The way it happened is that he is in France now,  with no plan to return, and he cries over losing me everyday. He had 4 years to commit to me in a way which would secure our future (i.e. marriage) He didn't opt for that option. He insisted insisted on doing things his way. He spent a good few months on his internship visa extension living + working in NYC. But no job came through, no visa can through, so he had to return to his childhood home.. The night before he left he asked me in a loud cafe if I would want to marry him. He asked meekly, with such low confidence. It was clear no strong partnership would start with this feeble last ditch question. I  said, go back to FR, work on yourself... we'll see where our paths take us. And now, we fiddle with the idea of revisiting the relationship, of trying again... but is it really a good idea? As Julie says, what  more so I need to see of him that would change my mind about us? Why am I allowing this possibility of possibilities that we would try again... hold me back? mentally... from meeting other people...Why is a smart girl like me allowing that. Maybe it's because he is really a stable partner, he cares for me, he is spiritual, he is caring... 

When I was with josep the other day...  i was struck how it felt so different to be with someone with a positive outlook on life... who loves meeting people, discovering new cultures... and on top of it, he has this spanish/macho way of making me feel 'taken care of''... doggone the feminist in me, but I liked it. A change from Rem, where I was the alpha role. I had to communicate charm to friends, waitresses, landlords, neighbors... because its the last thing remy would give out. It was exhausting. Much to my surprise, I liked feeling like I was in the presence of a strong man. 

We learn through our pussies...

Juse/josep said that when he first met me, maribel + I were talking about how the guys around us were hot or not, or if we'd fuck them, etc. You know the schtick. Juse said he thought I was like a dominant type... and he is equally surprised that I'm not really the image I project. I think since college I've projected this mirage. Like, ya I can fuck whomever... men are my playthings.... and maybe it is time I reexamined that image. I was watching Oprah and this relationship expert had a woman take off her makeup before she counseled her... she said 'that's the face you need him to love... the woman that is vulnerable..."

Anyway. where is this going. 

I guess nothing feels realer in my life right now than evaluating my love life and my future as a mother. (i'm not pregnant, fyi) But yeah, it's sort of on the forefront of my mind, when this baby machine is gonna start churnin. It's biology or whatever... and I will be honest I sometimes think that you don't need love to coparent with someone. Yeah, it's the ideal... when mommy + daddy kiss goodbye in the morning... but what if we aren't lucky enough to find mr. right? is Mr. good DNA a good option? Tall lean blond + french?

Anyway.... i'm getting pretty gaga. 

juin juin

I wish i had curly hair like this curly haired girl. 

My antidepressants are making me depressed...

Ry called, we spoke about how the G o T violence toward the body is really gone too far. Then he had to go make a delivery so we said we'll talk later. 

Evening with Michael, inspiring... he tells me that a book could be made about it all. Could i??? 

i want someone to change my password.... so that i can't go on the dreaded social network..

Should we put the baby before the bathwater? Or the baby before the babycarriage? 

Remember how I wanted rem to buy a bed with me, to get a bigger apartment, to start dreaming of owning a house. He would dismiss all of those yearnings toward something better, because he was not in a position to starting thinking of that. i.e. had no money. 

But isn't that how we get places we want to be? 

Before there are the toys and the jungle gym and the garden in the side yard there is an implausible peek in the newpaper just to dream. 

It is like when I realized I wanted to live alone I kind of dismissed the idea to myself, and then i started opening the pathway for it to come. And come it did. 

And I feel like in a way I never want to leave where I live. 

But how can i say that? 31, unattached... to any job or kids or anyone. N o one is my anchor is the truth. 

==============================

June 17 2013. 

Sunday. Deb will possibly talk to Sarah tomorrow about quitting. At least not going along with her new employee structure. Deb said "I'll wait until Monday -- I don't know why but I'll wait until then."

Sunday. Jen texts me while Im  at Dorin's gettin my hair super blonded. 

"serious shit is going down."

By the end of the week, she will decide if she will abandon physical therapy school for good, to go back to massage and things that she wants. if she is trying to be something she is not. 

She will decide by the end of this week. 

She will also begin to grieve the sudden move of Andy to back to his home town. 

I have this week alone to go to FASRI, sign a contract, and tell APC that I will transfer to Providence. 

In one week.

This is a big week. the stars are telling us. 

Last ight, date with "Jamie Hogan". 

He had bought me + julie a drink at NBC. Then came up to talk to us. Yada yada. To be done with it I gave him my number, even though I didn't like how he touched my shoulder for a few seconds too long. He texted me + we made a plan to have dinner. Etc. at fresh side. 

idrank ginger vodka lemonade and tons of yummy oodles of noodles. Then we went to amco, had some bourbon, i drove home and was asleep in 2 seconds. 

I think I have... gasp, screen fatigue. 

I didn't like the dude. He left me with so little impression. He is 44 with 2 twenty something daughters. WOW. that is different from 42 years old Frank dressing in punk clothes and at punk shows. 

He admired my hands and held them. Stop. But thanks for dinner. 

I was lucky that he didn't try to kiss me. 

I am  tired of dancing this dance. Playing the game. Listening and nodding. The requisite "thank you" text and being too busy to hang out again. Boundary boundary boundary. 

Aaron: he tried to do the dance with me. I always had to get up early the next morning. I always had other plans but let me take a rain check on that bottle of wine and you in that apartment before your roommate comes back. (remember that text!). 

Then he stopped responding to my texts, presumably because it wasn't easy enough to sleep with me?... and I am left of the memory of his blatant attempt to get me HAMMERED on gin + tonic at his apartment, while I recovered in his bed he drunkenly cuddled me. How does it feel to be a guy and want pussy so bad that you are happy to get drunk pussy. That is how the world works, I guess, and men are dogs. The essential conclusion. the sexual drive is so brutal that they fight for scraps.  

Where I feel mad and wronged is that I wronged myself. I wasn't interested in him!!!!! Wah wah. So what is my problem with boundaries. Why am I so shy to reject guys, to not return their calls. 

Guess what, I am fucking allowed to be selective. With my time. With who can get my rocks off. Lately I have not been very  selective. Aaron can right after I barf everything up into his bathroom. Disgusting. I was drunk, but I think I opened a box in his bathroom and in it were condoms for his skinny bone.

Now he is trolling around town in preppy clothes, trolling for pussy... trolling for his 'unbearable lightness of being' type of chick. Why is he invoking such wrath in me? This skinny bookish classical saxophone player! I think it is because he is so everything I hate about masculinity at this moment. These dudes who think they are god's gift to women, so they will spend their bachelor years collecting pussy after pussy. Until *they* are ready to commit to one. I remmeber how he just fricking bored me to death while I was like "mm hmm. Oh interesting." about his stories about partying in Saint Tropez or on the UES with the heir to Louis Vuitton. 

I am most mad at myself. For letting him bore me. For letting him think that I was considering sleeping with him. For letting him think that he could score a girl like me. Gain some weight first please!!!

Excuse me while I....delete him # from my phone. 

The ultimate fuck you sendoff!!! haha.

Ry

It is 1:43 am, ryan just told me that he slept with someone else, that is why he had a problem on thursday. i didn't need to know... but I guess I did need to know too.
It is 1:44 am and I suppose that I feel grateful that I feel a little teary on learning this. I have real feelings for him, I love him, he is so kind.. but there is a reason I haven't been demanding his exclusivity with me, it's because he is a stoner, he lives in another dimension than me, I guess that is why i have in theory thought I'd be cool if he were talking to other ppl. In practice it's not exactly cool. It reminds me that I am kinda only confusing both of us, by saying like "no thx for being my boyfriend, but I still wanna sleep with you + cuddle + watch movies + sleep in the same bed when I visit".
I thought that I would hurt him 1st... then I've been so busy working and doing nothing else, that I haven't had the opportunity to hurt him. He is technically a single guy and he found an opportunity to connect with someone sexually... in theory I'd encourage him to take it, don't wait around for me... so he did and now I am the hurt one.
dwell dwell dwell. That could be a danger in the coming days. But I will be OK. take a step back. We are sexual beings. I rejected his boyfriendship... so whats a lad to do.
The bottom line is, we don't have  future together...  so now one of us took the fatal blow. so we can move on.

Yale

Summer camp.

This will soon be a blur.... in 2 weeks and 2 days to be exact :) In 2 w 2 d, I will come home to Brewster and I will be having dinner with my parents while nico + Bo hang out around us. I will probably not drink wine because I will have a hangover from Geronimo's the previous night.


Today evvvveryone is not feelin it.

Amanda is sick ish, got home from PA at 1:30 am, I think I heard her.
Jenny has been going non-stop for weeks, is feeling very sick and tired, but keeps on proposing  a planning party, or a movie in her room, or froyo with her brother, or expensive Korean restaurant....
When Sophie's dad calls to complain, she feels like so utterly secure in her teacher identity. Defends her life maps.. and watches every Bravo reality tv show.
Ruth is at a folk festival with her boyf.
Ry visited yesterday... we had a snafu in the bedroom and i can't say that it doesn't affect me. That has never happened to us... ry said something about being nervous.... and then these condoms he bought were like "super charged" for his or her pleasure... it was like this fucking WEIRD lubricant that is supposed to heighten our pleasure. It made it like suddenly extremely good for him so he had to stop like every 10 seconds. It totally sucked, and our sex life has been previously so good. I somewhat came when he went down on me, but it was like all too much, too fast... u know, plus I haven't had sex in 2 weeks so I need a refresher to get into it.
It was super cool to be here at Yale on my day off. I could be like an ordinary citizen, got my froyo on, watched people getting drunk at Flights of Fancy, this yearly new haven event.
I think the next time I will have sex is about August 25th. One month from now!? I guess so.
That is Katie's wedding date. I will come home from her wedding feeling and good buzz and I will sleep over frank's house. So weird, now I am actually classifying/preferring dudes based on their bedroom prowess. But maybe Frank will come home from Asia with a mail order bride..

This week has sucked... and it's almost over. New group of chinese kids.... extreme cell phoners, they are more unmotivated than most... they are the new Americans i think. I can't wait until they leave.... and then camp will be pretty much over. Teenagers' main preoccupation is pushing your limits, finding loopholes to rules... conniving really to get what they want.  The cell phone thing is out of control. I feel pushed around... and with 14 students now it feels like utter chaos.
Just had a fantasy that due to my poor lesson observation I will be asked to leave camp one week early. I wonder if that is possible. Anything is. So much talking smack goes on here.



I must go to bed so as to not fall ill.... Sleep sleep sleep is the key.

XO
t

new hellven

watching the coffee brew...

Today, asking a cafeteria worker at Yale where is the Soy Milk, is there any more.... she thinks not but will check... when she has a minute. Feeling so completely marked by my race + my class and my whatever. 

NHaven is... what you might expect. So divided, this elite world of Yale, with its iPhoners at every turn.. and this economically depressed surrounding community. the Have & the Have nots... the Going Places and the Going Noweheres. 

At the bus stop today... in broad daylight... with 3 white girls around me, we are all looking at our iPhones. A dude wearing a Star of David bling chain comes up to us and asks us if we have any idea how dangerous it is to be on our iPhones in downtown New Haven. He looks at me and says "you're not even from this country are you"

I am frankly... miserable at the moment, but I dare not speaketh it... lest this miserable feeling be validated everywhere I look. I eat every meal with someone. Someone is always next to me. I'm gonna bust out soon. It is almost like they want to discourage private conversations.... because my colleagues and I have so much negative to say about the program... so we put on our sunny faces. 

I can't wait until I am out of here.... every Thursday I get to leave for 24 hours. last week, my parents, this week, visit Ryan... next week, dunno yet, and then it will be HALF over. 

I'm here mostly for the money I suppose.. giving up SO much independence, and needing to accept scrutiny of my teaching by people who don't know shit about teaching. Also they want to be fucking smiling and Lady Positivity. It's fucking fake... and whats scary is that they are selling that fake niceness to international students... thereby perpetuating the stereotype of the artificially nice American always high-fiving everyone. 

But to think.... that I can pay off some credit card debt, and finally be able to get a tattoo... or to be able to move to RI. 

So anyway, that is 100% my life and all that I am living and breathing at the moment. 

I also have worsening rosacea... worse in the HEAT which is right now. worsened by alcohol which I really want to drink. 

The good news, is that I may be able to have sex on Wednesday night into Thursday. I'm dyyyyying to after these 2 weeks of hell. 

xo Tam

I am a GMO

I am a creep magnet.
I need to wash my hands when this creep shakes my hand while staring into my face and i hate him.
Why why why? Y a toujours un creep qui traine.

Ive never loved you more

Vuarnet insignia, brining me back, that neon logo, and who is this guy with the interesting hair?

I have no money... And no one knows what shape my silly band is. No one can help me. They all say that it is a hooker sitting on a chair with a strap on dildo and just one shoe on. How mean. Maybe she is also dressed as a unicorn

I fear that i may become disfigured. I thought that perhaps i was developing rosacea on my right cheek. Acne inexplicably developing.. The mysterious kind not the adolescent kind. Who is the culprit? My burts bees cream with royal jelly. This horrible spf 15 neutrogena foundation powder that i think has BACTERIA BACTERIA all up in it.

No one no one no one

There is no one. And tony soprano is dead so the world is progressively making less sense to me. That started with whitney huston.

Yesterday crazy do nothing day.
Most marked was not really eating anything nutritious.
There was too many french fries not enough water and too much frozen yogurt.

Ryan told a story about the mutant hair on his chin that resembled a porcupine quill. Or thinnish toothpick. He plucked it, wishes he had kept it to show me, and me too.

I love stuff like that.

Ive never loved him more.

Friiiiday


Sent from my iPhone

me again

 Date tonight with Leopoldo, ,he seems totally smart + kind. We shall see. I didn't feel an immediate physical attraction to him. I do think that I am wired to seek tall, Northern/ Western European types... adjusting that ideal in my mind seems hard, I must admit. Don't tell the OKC suitors that, they will call me a fucking superficial bitch. 

what has been going on? 

Yesterday... went to Smith, calling Maribel to be like ' where are you', i'm parking at THIS SPOT etc. So, no word... I call, no answer, etc. 

Maribel, so unflexible. Because i was at the different entrance to the trail. So...she does not want to walk + come meet me, her bags are too heavy... so she won't come, "i'm sorry.."

I say "how about coffee in 30 mins... i will pick u up.."

The answer is no, she has had too many coffees when she should be working. 

Scary, but what do I expect?

Like, I had gone to Northampton specifically to hang w her. 

It's about expecting more from ppl then u know they are capable of. . you like, set your self up for disappointment. 

Introversion life... well, I'm trusting my own instincts lately... Last night, went to Aaron's recital to 'support him' but mostly because I don't want to rule out the possibility of sleeping with him...So I did my duty, and felt weird at the reception, so left quickly... to nowhere in town or in amherst. 

Came home, cuddled my boo boos, and watched "Mon Oncle Antoine". 

Excellent film!

I think I also felt weird because like, I'm just scoping out how Aaron plays, but if I weren't kinda interested in him i didn't have much musical curiosity to see him play the Berio Sequenza for alto sax! But it was cool, don't get me wrong. So then when i was there after the show I had that classic feeling of "oh i don't want him to think I'm too into him...or too slobbering on him by coming to his concert..." so I left quickly. 

The next day I sent a totally casual "You were awesome! Sorry I couldn't stick around" with on-purpose lack of punctuation. then he goes "he should see a film sometime" .... I guess it'c confusing, like what does he want? What do I want? This is sure to end in mutual carnage and disaffectuation. 

woke up, and found that my mailbox has been vandalized by drunk assholes during the night. Like, totally kicked off the post & all the way to the bus stop. 

April fool

hello... little meow into cyberspace..

easter sunday. what is goin on. Had an awesome brunch w Ryan at Jake's - unreal how delicious, and I got 1 banana pancake in addition to my veg benedict. coffee coffee coffee. laughter and good friend, even though it was so great sleeping with him when we were together.

Spent the rest of the day kinda joggin/walkin with nico, went to traders, recycled, and forgot  a bunch of other errands.  i.e. getting my paycheck, dropping off books at umass.

yesterday had great beer + burrito with Nicole. good friend.

I guess this month has been about trying to feel good in my own skin and not constantly need external stimuli/ relationships define me or give my life meaning. As always, I need better boundaries. Like I need to see from a distance if a relationship is not giving me what I need, and stop investing in that person, and being constantly disappointed/disillusioned by other people.

I'm starting to value the introverted side of me more lately... she went away once I started teaching and had to pull out the big guns socially. I kinda adapted a more extroverted disposition and I don't think it always serves me. Instead of being obsessed with beat poetry in my dorm room at Syracuse and devoting full weekends to reading + writing alone, now I am like obsessed with people in a way. Like friendships, my relationships to others, my reflection on the world. I am not lying when I tell you that I spend alot of time literally looking at the mirror. I'm looking for something that I'm not able to communicate, or have chosen not to. I'm also nervously scanning my face for signs of "age". The secret is, that I wish i could say that I've lived more, harder, and maybe I wouldn't mind if my face revealed that. so I'm looking for the cellular maturity to start showing itself so then I can be like "see! you're old now, and what have u done in yr life?"

Anyway. U get the idea.

With the introverted side of me, I can put my view of the world on paper like I dreamed when I was a child. That the world values my unique experience. My brain has it, my language has it. But the world doesn't have it. I need to get my voice out into the world, just because. Not to win a prize or prove something. Just because it belongs there. Otherwise, I guess I don't know if you are really living deeply, if you can't leave a trace, u know?

Feeling so blessed by the creatures in my life. My honda that goes goes goes.. I'm also grateful that I don't look like a whale even though I lately eat like one!

Anyway. I guess I'm aware that some serious changes need to happen. It's tough to look at unhappiness. So I'd rather watch hulu or millionaire matchmaker.  But the truth is in the pudding.... I'm running from 1 job to the next to the next. And it ain't cutting it. So we must ... look at... that.

Sometimes I think that I belong in the domestic sphere! Is that blasphemous to say? I think that one of my talents is empathy and nurture, so what?  Maybe I would like to wake up and clean/play/bake etc. with my munchkins... and when my partner comes home I will go out + teach ESL to immigrants.

Anyway what I am feeling is that the pull toward motherhood is like so strong and it's making me look for the quickest route there. It's like the desire for a stable family/ co-parent is outweighing my perceived need for finding "the one".  I feel like I've entered the new chapter, the one where I get knocked up and grow a human inside of me (!) and enter into that world. I feel like I am close to entering that and maybe I do want to be. Don't we have our whole lives to find mr. perfect perfect? Is this the time for mr. Alright? Because honestly the pressure to find it all - your 'best friend' who totally understands you--  your 'lover' who you want to jump his bones AND put his genes into your uterus  --- that is feeling like a heavy load for my ovaries, who just want a fucking baby, and want it right now, like the way humans have done for centuries and centuries before me. Sperm + egg, how complicated is that?

Is there like a pill I can take that takes my attention off of my uterus for a little while and lets me like just live my life? Ya, I'd like a prescription.

getting late gonna go to bed.
XO

`````

New fantasy life....

I must admit that winter was cruel to me to the very end. Warped thinking and negative thought patterns... I haven't always been healthy, but it did kind of reveal to me other people's true colors. I am emotionally open... I lack boundaries sometimes and misread situations. Julie + I started out as friends kind of flirting,... she would tell me i was pretty n stuff... and like hit on me. Then I had a crush on my other friend probably inspired by Julie's free rein sexuality. She started saying "I love you" etc. etc. 

I think there is a reason that I've gone a little over the deep end over her.... it's like I was sort of in love or something, like way too emotionally invested in something that she wasn't. We come to find out. 

She brands herself as someone like so open + wise + kind. She is all of those things on her own terms. Once someone actually responds to her sparkly love with emotional vulnerability, she is totally flipped out, because she knows that she can't reciprocate. So she feels like a false sense of annoyance/ fear. 

Yep. All these years of therapy have made me an armchair Dr. Phil :)

It is about time that I moved on, you think?

The truth is is that this winter I've maybe needed more from all of my relationships than I had a right to expect. Hence people are ushered away from me. It happens. It's sad, but human nature. We don't want who wants us.  Isn't that just about the saddest thing ever?

Probably fatigues from the game of dating, and wintered down, I forgot how to play "the game". Paul was like "we should hang out again" and I was like "yea we should" and then he was like "how's sunday" and then I was like "yes, how's 7 at the dirty truth?" and that was pretty much the kiss of death for whatever reason. 

Then he was like "actually I'm really sick" (he was)

and I was like "oh, feel better"

Then I was like, maybe a photo of me in a bikini top with a sunburn would make u feel better?

he was like "maybe that would be cool" or something

and like, we may as well flush completely, I sent him this pg-13 photo! 

and that is it! 

Modern dating. No more emails or texts from Paul. Funny huh? It's like Feminism told us it was cool to know what U want + go get it. Then dudes are nostalgic for the Victorian Era. Where extreme coyness was in style...

It's perplexing. But I don't think I could have done it differently. 

Believe me -- it had little potential for a serious relationship.

He is basically unemployed (maybe bar backs 1 night at the dive bar), walks around town barefoot with a guitar, wears athletic shorts with tights, got a DUI last year which means he cannot leave the country for a year (?) and does indeed, according to rumor, have an alcohol abuse problem. 

But he is PASSIONATE.... and WILD.... so what can I say I like these kinda guys...

Here's to hoping my wild guy is out there! But preferably he has a job & a car + a bright future!

upswing

You've maybe been able to see how the winter has been a bit tough lately!!!

Thanks to the sudden appearance of spring, and an increase in those pills which change our brain chemistry (for the better!!!) I believe that an upswing is in order.

My horoscope said that I am "being bumped onto a better path" via the troubles I'm facing lately. And I believe it, I guess I have no reason to not believe.  It said that U know how actors get typecast and fall into the same sort of roles, well that's what has happened to me in my life. I am in the process of owning a new role. I hope so. 

I think this has a little to do with friendship, emotional dependency...I must learn to be my own best friend, as Deb says. But how much is too much, to invest in people? 

I remember Julie saying "I love you" for so long now when we say goodbye or in a text message. It made me a bit uneasy but I was like "me too..." and she called me out once on how I never say "I love you", but instead I go with the milder "me too". 

Please don't tell me you love me and then act like you don't really love me. It's an abuse of language, honestly. 

Treat me with kindness and love, if you are my friend.

Now I see you, with your hipster friends, and I remember... how you insist on showing the sparkly Julie to the world. Sparkle sparkle sparkle. Go go go. Once things get a little deeper you will feel uneasy because you know that you can't/won't reciprocate the depth.  You will throw nails + salt, and act defensive. The emotionally open party will feel exposed, vulnerable, and sad to part with you. The friendship will crumble. Cue next sparkly new friend. 

Depression is so related to inter-personal relationships. One relationship can like serve to illustrate something going on. 

I can't be anyone but me. I get emotionally invested in people. That's not something I would like to self-shame..

ya

I've noticed that you have a hostile attitude toward depression (i.e. considering breaking it off w Ian in the beginning... dissing Remy's depression..) and I've had mixed feelings towards that, as someone who has lived with depression on + off for many years. It's not an illness I choose, you know, but like it grips you to the extent that 'exercise'  or 'healthy eating"

It is starting to feel like drawing blood out of a rock or something. Like, you don't want to connect with others deeply because it would mean that they would see YOU for everything you are. My dark days are no secret to those I am close to, and I feel loved and supported for who I am by my true friends. And it's reciprocal. 

Seeing your impatient attitude toward depression has made me realize that you are so opposite to me in some ways -- I am ALL EMPATHY. For better or worse. When someone is rude or yells at me like at work I think about how they must be sad or unfulfilled I hope they can talk to a therapist.  I stayed with Remy for way too long for a weird sense of duty and compassion for him... it took a ton to let it go and be kinder to myself and find a more balanced relationship. Perhaps you think that your "oh snap out of it" mentality toward "sad" people is a strength -- I know you lived it too with your ex -- but it's really unfair to clump everyone who struggles into a "wah wah poor me" category/ your ex was also an addict, no?  But I guess it's been hard to realize that you have little empathy for people -- if they can't keep up with your happy train, then fuck them. 

I'm not trying to hurt you -- just telling you what I'm sensing as your friend -- I think that you favor superficial friendships over deeper ones, because deeper ones require U to totally open up -- dark side + all -- and I feel that you're only willing to show people the sparkly side of you... 

Honestly you said this yourself at our famous birthday lunch in October. 

You'd rather kinda scratch the surface of people, because it's easier ? I don't know.

I find this interesting as you tend to surround yourself with older friends.. That way like observing and learning from them takes the place of you really exchanging with them. 

It makes sense - you're 24 Julie.. no one expects you to have done the living of a 30 years old. 

Anyway I am used to you responding defensively and aggressively toward conflict between us. So that said I want to say these things to you... and you have to know that losing you as a friend has been a really painful thing for me this winter. In fact, while you are busy telling your new boyfriend what a bitchy fuck-up head-case I am, remember that there is a part of me that feels like the girl at recess who no one picked to play on their team. (And who picked instead Ian + Julie) 

Voila. That should be enough vulnerability for today..

T

Fwd: hi

what I wouldn't dream of ever telling you

.

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.

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Date: Fri, Mar 1, 2013 at 4:24 PM
Subject: hi

dear J

i guess it;s hurt the past few months to see myself drifting into the outer stratosphere of friends. 

Ya, i know the life of a friendship has its ups + downs. 

It seems like every since my famous birthday lunch I've felt uneasy around you. 

Like, it seems like we are not gracefully drifting apart. 

I remember you saying how you told me on my birthday that the way I acted at some summer soiree (with kaiser + your friend justin) somehow annoyed you. It happened the way it did but that birthday luncheon has kinda stuck with me.  Like it revealed an invisible layer to our friendship that I thought was unbreakable... Like an invisible Julie, invisible thorns in the side. That you would hope to brush away with like superficial connections..

I sense that you have a superficial commitment to your friendships. And you yourself said something to confirm that, you said something like "it's hard for me to open up in friendships' or something to that effect.

I guess I agree with you. I think it is easy for you to really be present with your friends, learn about them, observe, (ironically you surround yourself with older friends), fluff them up with flattery, and yet it has started to feel unbalanced to me, like you are really unwilling to let yourself be truly seen and share yourself. Like I've tried to swallow this smug way that you speak to me (telling me to "get over" dating wild guys with Paul to name an example) like you are my 24 yr old friend who knows it all. I don't need to remind you of what I lived with my experience in an LTR and I hoped that you could cut me some slack for having a little bit of fun/ dating unsuitable guys until the moment is right. 

In a larger way, I noticed that you hold a brutally unforgiving view of depression and people who live with it. (you almost broke up with Ian in the beginning because he "struggles with depression"... a dismissive comment about Remy's depressed outlook) Obviously, I've internalized this hostility that I've seen you exhibit about others and it would make sense that you would have a similar reaction to me telling you that I've been struggling with depression this winter. That's just it - it's a struggle -- but not everyone has the 'steel will' to dig ourselves out of it so easily. Anyone that really understands depression knows that EXERCISE alone won't fix it. So, I guess I've sensed impatience in you on this subject and I have felt insulted by it. When we met at amanouz (it was pretty obvious I wasn't well, right?), you said that having roommates helps. Well, i don't have any. You know I love where I live, I have animals, I've recently been all painting + making the place nice-- and I preferably would feel more supported in my friendships enough to get me through the winter..I've felt continually unsupported by you in this area -- and comments about exercise or simple lifestyle changes have served to offend me.

Frankly i think i've spoken to you like really 3 times since Ian came along. It seemed like a speedy shift to full-on relationship mode, and like you only had time for very immediate friends (i.e. Julie, Griffin).. Classic friend dilemma I suppose. The new boyfriend. I guess it's just hurt to see you drifting away and keeping others close.

When we started hanging out in December I was so excited to have a friendship because of the muck I had been through with Remy.. When I first met Remy I dove headfirst into what would turn into an emotionally unhealthy relationship -- by the time I realized that it was a tad late and I chastised myself for thinking that one guy could solve all my problems and be henceforth all I ever needed.

The thornes in our sides have been constant + many. I write you emails, texts, that express my self and my experience. You have chronically misread or been just plain unresponsive to these communication blips on the screen. I feel close to people through relating, and as you know the spoken or written word is my way. I can't quite articulate why -- but it seems like you have totally misheard like emotionally important events which I've shared with you. And so it's like in our friendship you are like a student who has just missed a lot of classes and forgot her textbook when she returns. and a pencil. 

I suppose I am bearing the brunt of investing fully in my friendships. I generally have few friends and many acquaintances. I thought that you were one I kept close, but I guess I don't feel a reciprocal investment,and that is a bit too hurtful to try + soldier on through as your "see U around" type of friend. 

I really miss you and it's hurts me that we aren't connecting anymore. 

things n stuff

So. Things are going pretty badly! Hilariously so, and so quickly going downhill. 

The 1st of every month -- dunno if this is widespread -- always brings about like a mood changer. Either a really cool thing or a really "bad" thing, like something which spurs me into action which I had been reluctant to take or face. 

Friday, March 1st.

There is this awkward thing where my little aupair job is requiring me to go to a meeting 5 hours away in suburban PA. I was like "yeah" I'll go, u know, and then as the time approached I am like "oh i actually have to work on friday, because I live pay check to paycheck. Right." And then I realize that although hotel is covered, I am not paid to attend this meeting. Pretty much a no brainer, u know? 

The fact that I'm not compensated for my time is the real issue.  I guess that reveals my true level of commitment to this job. So the chips will fall as they may...

Then Remy sent me the job I interviewed for in Holyoke has been RE-POSTED, which u know, like hurts. So I am left to scour my mind as to what I said to fuck it up, my famous logorrhea. How could I have fucked it up in 25 minutes. What would be OK is if they saw that I maybe don't have the fabric to teach in an inner-city type of school. That is probably a true assessment. I don't have the desire or the experience doing that. ,,

It brings up tough feelings and thoughts about like my true professional calling. That i have tried so hard to fit into this educator identity because i so want to fit in somewhere. But yes, you remember west springfield. I'm all for a challenge of course. But we are made of what we are made of. I so hated teaching there. I was miserable. 

But where, then. 

Fantasixing about moving to Boulder! Anywhere but here, really...

More later.

un petit coucou

it is harder to bend your upper back than the lower back. 

Justine, talking and talking and talking. 

Demain, je m'en vais en vacances. Goal: to not burst into tears at any point during the week on St. Johns.  

Sometimes that conflation of extreme mundane life juxtaposed with extreme sense of possibility and awe can overwhelm me. Like, make me homesick, you know? Like going from 0-60  in just a sec. Vacations are funny, like do you notice how it sometimes takes a few days to start *enjoying* yourself? Like, U need a few days to get into the vacation groove. And then you are sad to leave. 

Deb is a great gal but I feel nervous about her being like my caretaker and tour guide even though I'm 31 and grown, maybe she does like elicit some sort of maternal craving in me. She is like the liberal bohemian mom I never had. 

I wonder if I should start to wear my hair differently. Like in a long side ponytail, with no bangs. I am def gonna start putting that lemon peroxide in my hair next week. There will be sun. I think I will come back with a tan! A burn, maybe, because I hate sunscreen. It causes skin cancer, sayeth Dorin. 

I will also do yoga Monday, Tuesday night, and then movie potluck on Thursday. Hopefully all cool people and maybe an attractive dude in the mix would be ideal. 

This writing thing is  like not very inspired because it has no muse. It's like, a carbon copy of the thoughts in my brain. No filter that makes glittery prose. 

Ce soir je me suis decidee de sortir, meme si j'avais rien planifie... personne voulait sortir, je peux pas faire la follasse avec frank vu qu'il est parti au Texas. mais bon, soit honnete g pas enormement d'amis en ce moment. G surout pas de copain, ca c clair et nette. Mes soirees passe seule,  calinant avec nico...  je commence a en avoir marre franchement... comme disait ryan il faut etre ouverte a tout moment... 

I think that my dog is addicted to my love. Like I've trained him to be a fricking mush. 

Wow, tu sais que ce ginger libation me rend saoule super vite... 

cette vile est vraiment petite... U know last night y'avait ryan, pis frank, pis toutes les exes de Ryan, au meme show! 

I've changed so much over the past few years. U remember I used to give remy such a hard time about speaking to his ex? ...... Somewhere along the line I started being less of a fucking jealous beotch. Dunno how though..

Typically seeing exes would bring out the monster in me. 

During yoga today I actually thought of what it was like for Ry to fuck Hannah. she's kinda cute, and like hippie and dirty and unkempt as she may be she is fucking making something everyday. Thats what hurts the most. Ry used to tell me how I was so hot and how I am the hottest girl he's ever been with, and maybe he was just saying that to turn me on? But I thought that it could be true. In a previous life, it would drive me CRAZY to see ry and all his exes in 1 place. But now I guess I don't rilly care. Like, being with Rem, seeing how he couldn't give me the one thing I wanted more deeply than anything, it's like now I know that if he couldn't give it to me, he could give it to no one. I think that thought kinda changed me. Like anyone can fuck you. But that real love, your lover being warm in bed while you take out the garbage, coming back in to cuddle and they are so warm and cute as U guys watch game of thrones together, that is fucking special, and not everyone will give u that in your life. Ry will fuck Geraldine or hannah or abby or Gaby or bridget or Aurelie or Laurie. But there is something that he will give no one and there is nothing that can change that for anyone. 

Voila. There I go over the deep end. 

Talking to this dude now. 

coucou. 

Gonna try to give you a snapshot of what i've been doing N feeling. 

yesterday, 2/12., interview at PFSJ Charter school. Finger crossed, I think? I would love to be a part of a passionate faculty etc. Ya, a lotta work. I would kinda feel like I have arrived somewhere. 

Last year, 2/12 first kissy w Frank!

2011, Nico adopted on 2/12.

Big day. 

i am at a coffee shop near Mt Holyoke College where these 2 lesbians at the table next to me are like kind of breaking up. Speaking so openly. Kind of sweet. That absence of self-consciousness found in 21 yr olds. Saying that she hates how they lie in bed together and 1 doesn't want to be touched, how does that make the other one feel? She needs intimacy. Compromise is needed.  One has like a facial twitch land is speaking very emotionally. 

This week, snow day monday put me in a tailspin of feeling connected to nothing..  and like anxious...

Yesterday I sat in front of the Obama SOTU address and was like half frustrated that it was on every fricking channel, and half unwilling to change the channel because i needed some noise in my head besides my own voice.  So I kept it on, listening to the babbling about jobs and American hope for the future. STFU. 

My own voice is telling me some weird shit. Like "that charter school thought U were a babbling idiot." "U don't really know how to teach, and it shows." "U said exactly the wrong thing." "Another waste of interview time of everyone's part" "U are better suited to be a Stay-at-home-mom" "Except minus the mom part, because U don't even have a man". "U should probably just mate with your ex, u don't deserve better and will waste your 30s trying to land someone better." 

WTF.

So i've had like nothing good or funny or creative or wild bouncing around my head recently.  Despite, what? 

I think it iis plainly the absence of doing anything creative. Except baking. Like, open a frickin notebook and write ANYTHING. 

But it's winter... and inspiration is dry... like even when we have a blizzard I'm like "great, now I can watch Millionaire Matchmaker"  and basically tune out. 

Although, my apartment is lookin pretty clean, I'm vaccuming up a storm, and throwing alot of junk away. But alas.... i'm a mess. 

February has always been brutal to me... 

Next week I will be on vacation in the Virign Islands! So let's touch base after that, I may very well look like a different person.

xo gozzip grrl

om

coucou

soiree bizarre...

I am on my introversion swing...

dinner with Julie, all I can say is AWKWARD. instead of putting a self-judgment on it, I am gonna just go with it..

I feel uncomfortable with her lately. 

it's not all about how she has a boyfriend. 

I see her  intense focus on her goal of launching her bread business, I think that is hard for me to see, because I'm lacking focus in my life. Studying spanish? conversation coffee dates with Maribel? My pimsleur podcasts so ready to be played?

Yeah so the success balance, it's normal if it comes up I think... these things fluctuate..

That's not it. 

She always goes "How have U been??" and there is a way of asking that they totally deflects the attention away from the questioner. It somehow doesn't always feel like an equal exchange. I give, i gave, and now I don't give. Nor does she. So dinner was like  "how have u been" "pretty good" etc. banal shit about work. "so are you still seeing ryan" "no" 

Maybe it's me. 

You know, meeting with people and feeling like it's not "enough" to just be there, being you... That like more energy is required to make the relationship work. 

in 2013... if I had to make a list, some ideas come to mind:

Play in guitar orchestra or at least a band (also, get an acoustic guitar at last)

Move out of the valley, or at least spend much of the summer not here.

Spanish intensive program please. at least a community college class, maybe a conversation partner. It is fun to practice spanish -- YOU LOVE LANGUAGES!!!!! Remember that U truly feel a buzz from  language learning. 

Have a child/ get married to a mystery groom

(you see, I'm not great at that 1 step at a time thing!)

{try to teach pilates??] At least get on a sub list somewhere... it would be great to prove it to yourself that U can do this work.. no one else really cares, thats the weird thing about life... 

Morrissey was right. They don't care, if u live or you die.

The only thing i'm focussing on lately is... reading my kindle book on minimalism. Cleaning my apartment. Parting with things I don't need. Deciding what makes the cut. Revisiting old memories like "aw, remy gave me that sewing machine I never use!" I will let it sit there for 1 more year. And look at it everyday.. 

But truly, I have a hoarding problem with toiletries. Do you??

My bathroom cabinet is embarassing. Loristat for fungal infection I maybe had that one time. Waxing lotion + the family size container of wax strips.... Sooo many mediocre shampoos. Guess what.  My hair looks great when I use that Aveda Conditioner for Blondes. it was like 20 bucks... but maybe that is why it works well. 

Does the salvation army accept used hair/ skin products? Because i would hate to see my junk go into the garbage can. 

Guess what tami? You have to USE the things that you buy. Just because your royal jelly day cream costs 15 bucks doesn't mean U have to take a frugal little dab every 3 days u use it. 

The lady at Sephora drilled into U the importance of cleansers + moisturizing!!! It's winter, honey! Moisturise that face!

U can use what U buy for yourself. 

And then when it is all gone you can choose what to get next. 

But fucking use things. That is why you buy them no?

g2g

january song

 it is the dead of winter, and I am channeling my inner utterly uncomfortable teen early 20 something, awkward awkward awkward. 

The old familiar feeling of 'c'est foutu' which always flows so quickly through me in winter. One bad move, arriving at my fave cafe with my laptop at the EXACT same time as this ALPHA dude who always wants to chat me up, guess what there are NO seats except 2 next to each other. I am thus trying to tap into my inner genius with this guys radiantly alpha, aggressive male energy right next to me. I'm dying. He is so OPEN. in a way which scares me. No mechanism to close up. Literally his body language is turned toward the crowd with  his iPad.. I never want to be this open open open and chronically alone. Surfing the web all day, non merci.  

I bought some beef today. Should I cook it, and eat it, and see how I feel?  But  it''s an animal.. 

I glazed over many big events this winter. Let me try to tap back into it. 

Downton Abbey. I hate Mrs. Crowley. The prostitute Ethel storyline is boring me. She speaks very little and each time, she mumbles, so we can't even hear her, just that she flees every time she comes on screen. Poor Edith. Jilted at the altar. Now that is a doozy. Stuff of nightmares for those gals. But why settle for that old dude anyway? I hope she finds a nice young boyfriend to make her feel young.

What else happened. 

Sean borrowed my bard sweatshirt. I hunted him down tactfully for it. with skill. It was like coaxing a bear out of a cave. He was being dodgy and I started to silently hate him. I sealed the deal, had to escort him home, had to drink his whiskey and listen to him wax bitter poetic about how the world is fucked... how people make "rules" and then "break them" and like,  put people in boxes, you know???? Yes sean. Relationships are so constrictive, aren't they. It's why you  sleep with different women every night yet are perpetutally so alone alone alone and no one has ever known you deeply and loved you loved you. Yet that's a "construct", I guess, like so called "intimacy", like forcing something into existence based on pre-conceived cultural norms. I'll take my bard sweatshirt and be outta here SEE YA!!!!

So that was an achievement. I have to soon babysit a bunch of elementary schoolers for a PTO meeting. Ironically my best friend is leaving at the EXACT TIME AS I AM. Unreal. More later. 

Kikou encore

coucou. c'est moi.

This is what is happening. 

I look in the mirror alot. Alot. THis is my experience of aging. It's happening. Like microchanges to the cells in the face, hands, everywhere. It's how you looks at someone and say "they look 35" or whatever, It looks like they've lived a bunch. Which you should have at 35. 

When I hang out with Ruvi, it's as if I am channeling my inner 18 yr old. She's in there -- and I command her presence when I hold young company. I remember what it was like to be 18. You are so completely unrooted. Your weight on the Earth is light yet. Everything is a curiosity. Who you are is an enigma to you. You are so utterly flexible you are willing to let anything in. And see how it feels. When I am with him I feel that diluted, uncentered, blob of energy we are at 18. I try to be it, and I realize how foreign it is to me to access her. In fact, it's uncomfortable. It feels risky, knowing who I am & access the place of unknowing for a sec. 

Using things. Feeling good enough. 

I'm in a decluttering binge. It's working. My kitchen feels great, much lighter. My closet still needs help, and honesty to know what needs to be in my life anymore. I must admit that the clothes perpetually in my laundry are the ones I wear. I suspect that is about 5% of my wardrobe. The uncomfortable truth. 

I went to Sephora to return my $27 foundation, and the ladies were all like "what cleanser do u use, yr skin looks so gross & dry" (using nicer words).... so I feigned interest in their expensive products. Don't need, don't need, don't need. But her little speech got me thinking, I should moisturize more all-over, not just the crow feet corner of my eyes. Guess what, I have like 3 or 4 moisturizers in my cabinet. I realized that because they are rather expensive, i don't exactly lather them on my face. Like, I don't really use them as intended. Frankly I think they get old + expire and tami is still scared to use them.  So now I am cleansing, and lathering that stuff all over my face. The joy of finishing a bottle, freeing up space. I am literally on a spending freeze. My minimalism books are so true. Like every time U make a purchase think hard, think hard. Is it a necessity. It's sorta why U should buy the expensive vaccuum rather than the one that will fall apart, that costs $25 at walmart. I've done that! WTF??

I dunno about U, but I'm starting to get sucked into the minimalism craze. Like, my life is sorta symbolically packed to the brim with emotional baggage. Before I cleaned remy's closet - oh boy!! Talk about skeletons in the closet. Now, I literally do have like 4 sets of linens. Some that don't fit, some just hanging out collecting dust. Unreal. Some Frank gifted to me. STOP THE GIFTING!!! Same for like Pyrex dishes. What am I, a granny visiting multiple grandchildren with quiches? It makes no sense. So I'm doing some donating, etc. It is going slowly. But I want it to go. Give give give. 

It is as if I have the stuff of someone married with 2 kids. 

And so the absense of that makes me feel overwhelmed. I rarely do laundry because it is all so much. Too much. I feel like I want to lie down, like today, and like stare blankly into nowhere.

 Please come over & take some of my stuff. It is always sad for me to think that some hipster Hampshire student will have the find of a  lifetime when she sees my stash at Goodwill. 

ess

esselon franky coffee date. So nice a friend once a lover now a friend. 

talked on the phone with Ron. Nice vibe, but his gift comes at a large cost. 

Tuesday no work. There is something that I did that I can only speak of in hushed tones. Well it's a little financial magouille. Just a lil one.

Dream last night that I am pregnant, and Sean is hugging my baby belly, holding a large spoon. 

Such a tactile desire, to be knocked up, I don't know how women get through their 30s without their ovaries driving the car for them right into the ocean. Renegade vehicle. Ready to become a stoner baby mama. Scary. 

This past weekend spent much time with rem, here in the valley, in that stone silence we became cool with. Drunken evening FB chat with whitney who says that  if he can't bring anything to the relationship, don't even consider it. he can't. He is in the same hell as before. He could've had it all, in the words of Adele. I still need to look at my own path. Yes, it feels so comfortable to be with him. But it's not what I want... him so lost on his path... me trying to rescue him..It doesn't like co-supportive, but i've grown to mistake that for love. 

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Lately feeling like i'm ry's big sister... listening to his stories of his professional toil, stories of trying to stay in the blue, taking shifts at Amore, starting the process of suing that girl. That girl. He is a nice friend to have + watch downton abbey with on sunday nights. He started telling me about how when Hannah was tripping on mescaline, how he played her this noise girl band "Colleen" and how at first  she liked it, and then she really didn't. Those are the stories from the crypt. Like a story from college. 

I love him n stuff, but I was feeling like he wasn't connecting to me emotionally. I had a crazy wkend w rem, like some of my serious feelings are about the frank feeling of failure in my professional life... and I think he's chosen to not enter into so serious a mindspace in his life. Hence the pizzas and the weed.  So we talk about like drugs. That is frankly a boring subject to me. Like "I've heard that the high u feel from hash is like more intense, kindof slower...." etc. Or, "we should try MDA together, its really like lovey dovey...etc" 

Hmmmmm. Lookin lookin lookin. Valley living. 

Is this It

 This can be a message to my friend or a message to the atmosphere. 

why at amherst coffee does it always seem like WMUA jazz hour. like that is deemed the music of classy people. 

sometimes U come to noho coffee and the ppl here are working and are like beautiful, and U like tell yourself that they have figured out the secret to happy living. like they leave their coffee job and go paint murals and run into their neighbors and go pick up their weekly vegetable ration, and while sipping locally brewed cider thay conceive a child who will one day go to the Hartsbrook school.  Tee hee. That is like the valley dream. 

It kinda exists but then something about having no culture to stick your face into kinda dulls the monotony. Monotony really being monotonous. Or you need to be constantly stimulated by travel, trips to boston, NYC, weekly weed revelations, and Dub Step music seeping into your bones.a relative of reggae.

Ryan knew the perfect gift for me. Goberry gift card. How I love it. And some cool tupperwarey things that steams veggies. Like I don't know how to. That dude and I are still hanging out. A pervasive sense of anxiety however surrounds us. Me, eating my cuticles till I see bone.  So we've established that we have no future, yet we continue to hang like boyfriend girlfriend and sleep together. Its kinda like when you turn off a light and a second of light lingers.  Like in the olden days. 

I feel nervous now, like swimming at my own risk, because they my guard is down i'm like falling straight in love with him, logic defied. 

I thought it would dissipate kinda organically, like no speech needed. But speech may be needed. I'm the classic woman who can't stand around waiting for him to achieve his dreams and smoke weed erryday, while I wager a bet on him. 

This was put into priority I think because molly told me in NY that she got pregnant using the method that I use. Thinking of myself, the elation of conceiving, mixed with a feeling that he is a reluctant parent. and etc. etc. etc. 

So, this is a fantasy land that I think we would prefer not to leave. Especially when it is so cold. But I think he said "I love you" yesterday and this time it wasn't an accidental dismorphacation of "I love your pussy".  HAHAHA..

I think that I should go, nico is in the car, and I could do a bunch of cleaning at home..

XO