9 pm

Should go to bed early tonight, be fresh for day 2 of AP seminar. 

Strangely, today I found myself rolling my eyes, feeling like i knew half of what she was saying. She LOVES to talk...

It's as though, perhaps, this work is sort of weighing on me. Not sure if the joy is still there. And when people ask me if I have a francophone parent, or am canadian, cuz "my french is really good"... it's like where does this shining star fall? Is it really  in teaching? 

But whatever, for now the vacations are good. 

In one more year, I do not want to be living in a dorm. So, there's that. Or, doing the yearbook.  So, one more year. Speaking to Sarah today, she was telling me a

Interested in david's texts, but now he is in LA and very busy working (it seems). 

Today I made like a cartoon relaying the story of Laurence. Felt good. Seeing two stick figures like in cunnilingus and other positions, then the Uber and the texts and the car leaving Quebec. Finally heard a word from him today, and I am able to put a harrowing few days of self-doubt and being desperate for validation to rest. He is fine. I am fine. I am on my path. The wound that he slightly opened, however, will remain. 

And, I wanted to hop into bed with him, I wanted everything that happened. I wanted to live life. And I also wanted to leave and call my Uber (nice guy named Mathieu in a VW), and sleep in my bed, and wake up feeling good, and go back to my professional life, and have a good memory of this sweet bartender who is like me, and like you, and we are all alike. We want connection. We want to be touched and touch someone. 

Today, talking about Quebec I was the most filled with joy while talking about my crazy night in Montcalm with Mike Audrey and Eli. Drinking 40s of Labatt (yeah...) and the rounds of shots.... and leaving the bar at 4 am when the SUN IS UP. One of these nights. And Deb helped me, that my awkward feelings are unfounded. 

Onward. Forward.

Want to ask Debrae about why my left shoulder hurts when I am around certain people. 

Off to toothbrush land!

quebec

 Eh ben, je suis la.... Je vis ma vie ici. Je suis quelque part de different. Memes phantomes meme souliers. 

Demain: bike bike a bit. Maybe stop at Noctem and drink a Kombucha. Weather so weird here. Sunny then rain 10 minutes later. Bipolaire

Yes, it will be nice to get back to my grounding place. August remains wide open. 

Thoughts of Cbury. Unfollowed them on instagram. It is not my culture there. On some level I know that 1 more year is all I need there. And then I forget the passion, why I am living in the dorm and doing the yearbook, what is the trade off ? Besides self-flagellation ?

Then meeting students, I am reminded. 

Walking thru the streets today in a sort of talking therapy with myself. Don't care about being the woman talking to herself in English while climbing from Upper to Lower town, slowly. 

Topics of self-therapy today were: Guy from yesterday "Adam", and Paige.

Still. 

Themes: Where do I end and another begin. Why am I afraid of losing my footing. Or someone infringing on my light? No one can do that. Only I can do that. I infringe on my light. If I feel threatened or diminished. But it can be another way. I can be secure in who I am, my light still shines bright, even if there is cliqueyness or a guy who tried to kiss me then give me advice on how I shouldn't give mixed messages by like licking my lips or playing with my hair. And then leave basically without a goodbye even! True story. 

I guess: I got what I wanted out the evening. A companion to have a beer or 2 in St Roch since we are both traveling alone. But there was a price to pay, I suppose. And I knew I risked that. Going in I thought "I know what my objectives are for tonight, and if he is on a different page then that won't affect my experience because I am strong in my footing." Well, that sort of happened. And maybe I was less stable than I thought cuz I spent 2 days thinking about it and hating him and feeling anger toward him. That anger directed at him, which hurts only ME. 

Today I read this insufferable book about "clearing" energy in people and places. And she tells us that the emotional cripples or invalids are hard to spot in society. The emotionally unhealthy. They aren't in a wheelchair like the physically disabled. So you don't really know. Trust the guardian of the heart. 

A theme: I feel angry at a guy when I was not attracted to him or interested from the beginning. Noticing his bad breath, smokers mouth, white saliva (like Ryan), nomad, last minute, English speaking, took a dog on a 18 hour road trip (???) disgusted by his mouth and not turned on by his body. There's the post-mortem analysis. I could have classified it before I opened my circle of light to him. Hearing his tales of how every date he's had has "gone bad"..... well who is the common denominator in all that? But is that my job to give a shit about that ?

I feel "mad" when I open myself to someone and their standard of behavior turns out to be lower than mine. But I am still strong in my own energy, am I not ?? I feel mad, like their took a little of my energy. My own energy management, I can do it, no one can take it without my consent. And my boundaries were strong when he went to kiss me, I recoiled immediately, and said no , made a gesutre that I wasn't interested in that. Why would he even go there? That's where it started to unfold. He later told me that he had been texting w a friend about how he went for a kiss and it didn't go well. Like women are a fucking board game. A challenge of ingenuity, timing, and playing the right cards. On the path to their pussy (hoped for outcome). How are you gonna get their number. Having a dog usually works, so he'll get a dog. He'll model for art classes.  All on the calculated pathway toward the desired outcome. 

That's enough man hating for tonight. 

 Yeah, it's about my own boundaries for sure. 

Visit from a stranger

Ouf... 

Coucou. 

So many feelings, but every day just blends into the next... until 4, 5, 6 months have passed. 

My best friend is pregnant. This is huge. My partner in hudson valley dating and tinder adventuress met a guy who just stuck.... quickly... moving in w him, out of her apartment in Rosendale, then some daring bold reckless invitations to the universe, and we are at the Korean Spa in march and she tells me the news. In hushed incredulous tones sitting in the sauna. Says she doesn't know if she go through with it. We both know this is the time. 

Now, that embryo has become a little girl as she moves into month 3/4. It's really happening. I can't believe it.

I cried for many hours. Why? Well, I have never had a best friend get pregnant. Just friends or acquaintances, who then slowly move the periphery of my lens, and I theirs. Just such different priorities. Jess, on baby number 3 now. Goodbye. Lizzie, I hated going over to her house and trying to have a conversation w her while Olivia tries to take center stage or gets "jealous" of Mommy's friend. 

So yes, Jen and I  will change, and I am trying to get used to what that will look like. I will never have single or childless Jen as my friend again. I will miss her. Yet at the same time I feel touched and honored to be able to stay on the journey of friendship with her as her life takes a huge turn.

Isn't that cause for celebration? Yes. There is however a large shadow at the moment. I would want my friends to celebrate that news, not wallow in their self-pity, envy and hatred. I'm just having a moment. 

"No one is asking me how I am doing"

-- Funny, this is the voice of my depression

 A part of me has forgotten what I am looking for. I just like to be alone. I like to hold my animals and spend evenings with them. It wavers between me thinking I am "nourishing myself" and I am "depressed".  On one hand I will make myself a shakeology smoothie with tumeric, cinnamon, spirulina, maca, and whatever else. I will read articles about self-sompassion by Sharon Saltzberg. And then that same evening eat chips and guacamole and um, then an entire PINT of ice cream while instagram stalking someone I went to high school with. Ain't self-care grand? And then the next morning I have acupuncture. And a sugar hangover. 

So if I am so busy spending 24 straight hours with myself and need to not speak to anyone, how am I going to date someone? A few fellows recently, I have very clearly cut loose. Sau: "No to both questions. sorry". Then to david: "Not really up for human interaction at the moment." I've been "savage" as the teens say. I just have utterly zero emotional availability. Is that it? 

news

Amazing vacation, doing everything I want to do. This week, hanging around CT, now in Northampton, my former home, staying with Frank. He is at work, I'm just so blessed to have an ex like him. Yesterday got my hair cut/ colored with Rhiannon. Today: river valley co-op, close my FSB account, maybe the hadley mall, etc. etc. 

Next week: going to cleanse my apartment, read Marie Kondo, just prepare for 2017. Then, weekend workshop at Kripalu for New year's weekend. It's the first time ever that I have left town during New Years Eve. Strong statement. Nothing is more important than my spiritual grounding. No party or drinking too much. 

Anxiety: that I don't have enough time. That I'm already too late. That I don't have enough time to do everything I want/ need to do. 

Anxiety eases when I think: time is flexible. Time bends and flexes to accommodate me. There is enough time. 

That I can change the narrative. It's all about the narrative I put onto something. 

I was feeling so gross the other day, thinking about that half eaten hamburger I ate from off the ground. Well, goddammit, I was hungry, and there was nothing else to eat. 

I can the change the narrative. 

But to be honest, I did make a misstep the Friday night of Thanksgiving. Don't even want to talk about it. I feel like I just fell into a fucking man trap. The trap where he is crafty and just makes a series of "moves" toward the final prize: pussy. So anonymous. Could be any pussy. But mine was the fucking horny and deprived one. What was I seeking? Why him? I was seeking connection, I wanted to feel like I am still sexy, the faint prospect of becoming close to someone.

He didn't worship my body or take his time with me, but I kind of set the bar low and didn't demand more from him.  I left thinking "Yay, I got some."... that wore off into a feeling of like embarrassment and shame, that I stooped so low just to get laid... the guy is not attractive to me. But after a few drinks whatever. And I guess that is a human feeling that other people have experienced. 

I kind of hated myself for not honoring my sacred sexuality. As I usually do. Only want sex with connection. Even if that's a casual experience. It must feel meaningful to me. Even if just to get my rocks off. There is a way where the two polarities can co-exist. This night was not one of those times. 

This was confirmed when this piece of shit was trolling for pussy at our faculty party... making a move on my colleague. She had to say "no" twice to him. When she alluded to her bisexuality and not being interested in men

I will not commit to being "celibate" now... like making a detox pledge or something... but as Jessica says, I not commit to "celebrate" my self. And if I need a roll in the hay I can certainly seek that and value myself at the same time. And I can decide that I am seeking partnership, and follow my intuition (like I didn't that night) that this person is probably not worth the 4 minute of this small dicked dude humping me (could hardly feel him inside me) into a condom, this dude who has a Great dane/pitbull mix, beautiful blue BMW, expensive suits and watches, nicely styled hair, all to cover up his small dick and not knowing how to make love to a woman. I'm dissing him, yes, no one will read this, but I know that in dissing him I am dissing myself, and this is my road to healing. And to deal with the anger I am experiencing toward him (bring it back to me, process it, and release it). 

Good thing I came back to Noho yesterday to be made love to like I deserve! Looking forward to another night of that before I return home for Xmas. Thank you! What a voyage I have taken around the moon and back. talk to u soon, going to meet Dorin now at paul + elizabeths. (Her and Deb always want to go there because they both have such sensitive diets or are on a "cleanse". The friends I choose.   

Post-election

Sad, grey, unseasonably warm days. Donald Trump won the election. Perplexing. But I see a humanity in him. I actually do. He's so fascinating. He actually doesn't scare me like Pence does. Just don't touch my reproductive rights and we're good.

Of course I cried for our fallen hero Ms. Rodham Clinton. We all wanted that. We thought it was our moment. It wasn't. 

Difficult to see baby bumps and wedding gowns on facebook, seemingly non-stop.. So there's the part of me who has a supernatural craving to have a child, and then there is the part of me who wants  my freedom and solitude. And then there is the part of me who wants the sperm without the dude. 

OK now it is thxgiving break. 

There was a perplexing 2-month textual relationship, did I tell you? Scary. 

Have anger in me. Toward myself, for not having boundaries. For being too nice to men. A curious new feeling is emerging in me: Hatred, somewhat toward men. I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself. 

I hate that Tyler saw an empty chair next to me when I was out w Jasmine and Justin, then came in, sat down next to me, and basically stared at me until I turned to him and gave a feint smile. What the fuck?

I hate that men interpret "woman alone" with "waiting for a man". And how men seem to recognize only another man as a boundary line they should respect. 

I went to the women's group the other night.... a sacred women's circle in the native american tradition. Women pick up a stone and speak, air their experiences. I spoke about my ambivalence toward partnership, and my growing confusing feelings toward men. 

I'm going through  a period where I want to vent my feminist anger. I want to reject men with no concern to hurting their ego. I want to be able to seek my own pleasure, even if that makes me a "size queen". It matters. I have a right to choose to seek relationships with men with bigger penises than small ones. Is that vanity? 

When I rejected Coco, he unleashed his fury, tried to hurt me. "For 2 months I've told you how beautiful, how special you are to me...." "I wanted 3 years to have a game run on me" "I don't answer to you" (???) "You spend 2 months criticizing every thing about me. If I weren't in such an emotional place with my mom being sick I would have seen through your shallowness and never fallen for you" 

I wish I could tell you even more. It was a mind fuck. I was somehow pulled in. I ignored things I should have not. I gave him the pass. I overlooked his poor spelling and his questionable parenting choices, and his inattention to me. Because I craved intimacy so bad, I think. I even deleted my Tinder! 

I have a right to date someone for a few weeks and decide it's not for me. I have a right to push someone away. And above all, I can have standards and stick to them...

Now I have a colleague whose ego was so bruised from 2 months in intense texting (?) that he ignores me when we cross paths at work. 

going to google Erykah Badu now.

Coco

Had to leave this weirdly intense 5 week "relationship" that played out mostly over texts. Became weirdly addicted fantasy land, ego addiction to have my phone always blinging up, good morning texts, U are so beautiful texts, I miss u so much texts, wish you were coming home to me texts, i want you texts.

Essentially this situation has taught me how ready I am for something real () and also I am ready to overlook kind of crucial red flags in order to get that something real. And to ignore an accumulation of these things. So, bravo to myself for having my heart open and ready for partnership. But I don't need to lower my standards. I don't need to make excuses for someone. I don't need to feel slightly uncomfortable with something but just "go with it". I felt myself like ready to give him a pass for so much. Oh, he doesn't shower often... Oh, he looks like a fucking slob. Oh, he lets his daughters take a family photo giving the middle finger. Oh, he needs to talk to everyone at the bar but me. Oh, he reaches over and fucking touches me while he is talking to the woman next to us.  Oh, he made 4 fucking children with 2 women. Oh, he says those relationships were "toxic". Right. 

There is an anger welling up in me.  The acupuncturist talks about anger and the bladder. Anger toward men. Toward being female in a male world. Being looked at all my fucking life. Men beeping their horn. Men looking at my body. Men touching my body. Men not satisfying me. I want to crush their testicles. I want to sludge hammer them. 

More on this later, I'm walking to lunch with Paige.

A weird time

 Margot on my lap as I write this. "The River" radio on my Roku. Such a hodge podge of paths colliding, always. Remembering that I used to be a Western Massachusetts person. And now I am a CT person. And I was just a Hudson Valley person for a while. 

Made an appt w new doc in NM, 

This afternoon came home, walked nico, then sat down and couldn't bear to get up again. Out into the cold. Sat in a quasi-nap state for an hour. 

Spending a lot of money of acupuncture. 

Eating a lot of the foods that I want to eat. Don't deny. Today, oreo cheesecake with my coff. Yesterday, a PINT of ice cream. Yeah. At 10 pm. In bed by 11. That's a common move. Just go for it so hard. 

I came home from this 3 hour meeting feeling so... burnt out, and like crushed, wanting to cry. On one hand the ever-present question of if I will have a child, if I will find the partnership I would like, is still present. And then I just think, Gee whiz, do I really want that, AND continue to work this insane job, like wouldn't that feel totally unmanageable. Because my life already feels unmanageable. Slightly. 

Today had a fantasy that I spent the first few years of my child's life living on St. John.  A slower pace to life. 

 I just know that I am not a Keiko or a Megan whatever the fuck her name was. 

One thing that makes my life do able is having Wednesday afternoons off. I come home and nap for 2 hours with Margot on my lap. Wake up so out of it. Dehydrated, makeup smudged, and then I walked Nico out back. Ran on the treadmill and watched the soccer game from a distance. Listened to Wild flag, Frank ocean, kendrick lamar, and Kraeyshawn. 

This little journal of my everyday activities..... useful? or mundane? and banal? 

Taking a little pause from my curious little  bubble.

It's a few days/weeks later.