news

Amazing vacation, doing everything I want to do. This week, hanging around CT, now in Northampton, my former home, staying with Frank. He is at work, I'm just so blessed to have an ex like him. Yesterday got my hair cut/ colored with Rhiannon. Today: river valley co-op, close my FSB account, maybe the hadley mall, etc. etc. 

Next week: going to cleanse my apartment, read Marie Kondo, just prepare for 2017. Then, weekend workshop at Kripalu for New year's weekend. It's the first time ever that I have left town during New Years Eve. Strong statement. Nothing is more important than my spiritual grounding. No party or drinking too much. 

Anxiety: that I don't have enough time. That I'm already too late. That I don't have enough time to do everything I want/ need to do. 

Anxiety eases when I think: time is flexible. Time bends and flexes to accommodate me. There is enough time. 

That I can change the narrative. It's all about the narrative I put onto something. 

I was feeling so gross the other day, thinking about that half eaten hamburger I ate from off the ground. Well, goddammit, I was hungry, and there was nothing else to eat. 

I can the change the narrative. 

But to be honest, I did make a misstep the Friday night of Thanksgiving. Don't even want to talk about it. I feel like I just fell into a fucking man trap. The trap where he is crafty and just makes a series of "moves" toward the final prize: pussy. So anonymous. Could be any pussy. But mine was the fucking horny and deprived one. What was I seeking? Why him? I was seeking connection, I wanted to feel like I am still sexy, the faint prospect of becoming close to someone.

He didn't worship my body or take his time with me, but I kind of set the bar low and didn't demand more from him.  I left thinking "Yay, I got some."... that wore off into a feeling of like embarrassment and shame, that I stooped so low just to get laid... the guy is not attractive to me. But after a few drinks whatever. And I guess that is a human feeling that other people have experienced. 

I kind of hated myself for not honoring my sacred sexuality. As I usually do. Only want sex with connection. Even if that's a casual experience. It must feel meaningful to me. Even if just to get my rocks off. There is a way where the two polarities can co-exist. This night was not one of those times. 

This was confirmed when this piece of shit was trolling for pussy at our faculty party... making a move on my colleague. She had to say "no" twice to him. When she alluded to her bisexuality and not being interested in men

I will not commit to being "celibate" now... like making a detox pledge or something... but as Jessica says, I not commit to "celebrate" my self. And if I need a roll in the hay I can certainly seek that and value myself at the same time. And I can decide that I am seeking partnership, and follow my intuition (like I didn't that night) that this person is probably not worth the 4 minute of this small dicked dude humping me (could hardly feel him inside me) into a condom, this dude who has a Great dane/pitbull mix, beautiful blue BMW, expensive suits and watches, nicely styled hair, all to cover up his small dick and not knowing how to make love to a woman. I'm dissing him, yes, no one will read this, but I know that in dissing him I am dissing myself, and this is my road to healing. And to deal with the anger I am experiencing toward him (bring it back to me, process it, and release it). 

Good thing I came back to Noho yesterday to be made love to like I deserve! Looking forward to another night of that before I return home for Xmas. Thank you! What a voyage I have taken around the moon and back. talk to u soon, going to meet Dorin now at paul + elizabeths. (Her and Deb always want to go there because they both have such sensitive diets or are on a "cleanse". The friends I choose.   

Post-election

Sad, grey, unseasonably warm days. Donald Trump won the election. Perplexing. But I see a humanity in him. I actually do. He's so fascinating. He actually doesn't scare me like Pence does. Just don't touch my reproductive rights and we're good.

Of course I cried for our fallen hero Ms. Rodham Clinton. We all wanted that. We thought it was our moment. It wasn't. 

Difficult to see baby bumps and wedding gowns on facebook, seemingly non-stop.. So there's the part of me who has a supernatural craving to have a child, and then there is the part of me who wants  my freedom and solitude. And then there is the part of me who wants the sperm without the dude. 

OK now it is thxgiving break. 

There was a perplexing 2-month textual relationship, did I tell you? Scary. 

Have anger in me. Toward myself, for not having boundaries. For being too nice to men. A curious new feeling is emerging in me: Hatred, somewhat toward men. I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself. 

I hate that Tyler saw an empty chair next to me when I was out w Jasmine and Justin, then came in, sat down next to me, and basically stared at me until I turned to him and gave a feint smile. What the fuck?

I hate that men interpret "woman alone" with "waiting for a man". And how men seem to recognize only another man as a boundary line they should respect. 

I went to the women's group the other night.... a sacred women's circle in the native american tradition. Women pick up a stone and speak, air their experiences. I spoke about my ambivalence toward partnership, and my growing confusing feelings toward men. 

I'm going through  a period where I want to vent my feminist anger. I want to reject men with no concern to hurting their ego. I want to be able to seek my own pleasure, even if that makes me a "size queen". It matters. I have a right to choose to seek relationships with men with bigger penises than small ones. Is that vanity? 

When I rejected Coco, he unleashed his fury, tried to hurt me. "For 2 months I've told you how beautiful, how special you are to me...." "I wanted 3 years to have a game run on me" "I don't answer to you" (???) "You spend 2 months criticizing every thing about me. If I weren't in such an emotional place with my mom being sick I would have seen through your shallowness and never fallen for you" 

I wish I could tell you even more. It was a mind fuck. I was somehow pulled in. I ignored things I should have not. I gave him the pass. I overlooked his poor spelling and his questionable parenting choices, and his inattention to me. Because I craved intimacy so bad, I think. I even deleted my Tinder! 

I have a right to date someone for a few weeks and decide it's not for me. I have a right to push someone away. And above all, I can have standards and stick to them...

Now I have a colleague whose ego was so bruised from 2 months in intense texting (?) that he ignores me when we cross paths at work. 

going to google Erykah Badu now.

Coco

Had to leave this weirdly intense 5 week "relationship" that played out mostly over texts. Became weirdly addicted fantasy land, ego addiction to have my phone always blinging up, good morning texts, U are so beautiful texts, I miss u so much texts, wish you were coming home to me texts, i want you texts.

Essentially this situation has taught me how ready I am for something real () and also I am ready to overlook kind of crucial red flags in order to get that something real. And to ignore an accumulation of these things. So, bravo to myself for having my heart open and ready for partnership. But I don't need to lower my standards. I don't need to make excuses for someone. I don't need to feel slightly uncomfortable with something but just "go with it". I felt myself like ready to give him a pass for so much. Oh, he doesn't shower often... Oh, he looks like a fucking slob. Oh, he lets his daughters take a family photo giving the middle finger. Oh, he needs to talk to everyone at the bar but me. Oh, he reaches over and fucking touches me while he is talking to the woman next to us.  Oh, he made 4 fucking children with 2 women. Oh, he says those relationships were "toxic". Right. 

There is an anger welling up in me.  The acupuncturist talks about anger and the bladder. Anger toward men. Toward being female in a male world. Being looked at all my fucking life. Men beeping their horn. Men looking at my body. Men touching my body. Men not satisfying me. I want to crush their testicles. I want to sludge hammer them. 

More on this later, I'm walking to lunch with Paige.

A weird time

 Margot on my lap as I write this. "The River" radio on my Roku. Such a hodge podge of paths colliding, always. Remembering that I used to be a Western Massachusetts person. And now I am a CT person. And I was just a Hudson Valley person for a while. 

Made an appt w new doc in NM, 

This afternoon came home, walked nico, then sat down and couldn't bear to get up again. Out into the cold. Sat in a quasi-nap state for an hour. 

Spending a lot of money of acupuncture. 

Eating a lot of the foods that I want to eat. Don't deny. Today, oreo cheesecake with my coff. Yesterday, a PINT of ice cream. Yeah. At 10 pm. In bed by 11. That's a common move. Just go for it so hard. 

I came home from this 3 hour meeting feeling so... burnt out, and like crushed, wanting to cry. On one hand the ever-present question of if I will have a child, if I will find the partnership I would like, is still present. And then I just think, Gee whiz, do I really want that, AND continue to work this insane job, like wouldn't that feel totally unmanageable. Because my life already feels unmanageable. Slightly. 

Today had a fantasy that I spent the first few years of my child's life living on St. John.  A slower pace to life. 

 I just know that I am not a Keiko or a Megan whatever the fuck her name was. 

One thing that makes my life do able is having Wednesday afternoons off. I come home and nap for 2 hours with Margot on my lap. Wake up so out of it. Dehydrated, makeup smudged, and then I walked Nico out back. Ran on the treadmill and watched the soccer game from a distance. Listened to Wild flag, Frank ocean, kendrick lamar, and Kraeyshawn. 

This little journal of my everyday activities..... useful? or mundane? and banal? 

Taking a little pause from my curious little  bubble.

It's a few days/weeks later. 

Sunday

Hi! 

Rare 2 days off from teaching. Such a productive weekend.... much be the "prana" in the September air. Yesterday, got fingerprinted, notary public, mailed my background check thing to Albany, then drove to Beacon for some volleyball, had a veggie burger at Dogwood, vball friend Jared joined me, then I met Vanessa in Newburgh, fun fun fun. Drove home around 10. Then even folded laundry! WTF?

Today, going to finally check out the quaker meeting, then tinder date with another Jared (hike in Kent CT)... 

Been thinking.... about managing my anxiety.... to just "be" in every moment

Update: Quaker meeting starting at 10 not 10:30 so I missed it but went to Stop n Shop instead. 

I am enjoying my new job... it is pushing me to a new level. It's been 2 weeks. Stilll nervous to do an amazing job but... if I can just relax, know that I am doing the best I can every day, and I'm doing fine.

New criteria for dating is that the dude has to be into me. Very into me. No more lukewarm what the fuck guys. 

Managing anxiety. Call the accupuncturist. Go to meditation on Thursday. Read "lolita" ..... Weird, when I read that book a decade or 2 ago, I thought that it was a love story.  Is it? Then on NPR today they were saying that it depicts a villainous child predator. Did I miss something haha.  

journaling

A weird month. 

In Poughkeepsie, in the new apartment, feeling so frazzled and unstable the past month. Awesome dancing night at Speigeltent at Bard. 

What do I want? 

What do I fear? That while my friends are all buying houses and marrying and getting pregnant, I am busy hooking up with 18 year olds, quebecois and French guys, and other "exciting" adventures. None of these experiences lead me to the stability, deep partnership and intimacy that I say that I want. 

Had a hard moment where basically in the same breath speaking to Dave I claimed how ready for partnership I am, how I've investigated why I am drawn to inappropriate situations, how in therapy I really worked on a, b, and c, and then in the same motion went to snapchat with my current teenage pen pal. He asked who i was texting and I told him "oh just some 17 year old". 

Hard to feel that while I spend so much time "working on my inner life", identifying the patterns which lead me to destruction, claiming to be such a know it all about how other people live. And then falling back onto the same slippery slopes that I worked so hard to avoid. It's just disheartening and makes me feel like I have a permanently faulty judgment system. 

Spent Sunday feeling pretty blue about all that. 

Talking to Debrae, I really asked for her help in making this the clean slate. But is that what I say I want just for the sake of my career? Or because I truly disapprove of my own attractions and choices? Yeah, I think it is option 1. As she says, "What you are attracted to doesn't always benefit you". But I do feel pulled down some sketchy roads. Like this strong pull to go there. 

The strategy right now is to prioritize my move and transition to new job. Basically, avoid slippery situations. Grow some distance between Oakwood and me and people I knew here. 

What's also interesting is how my own insecurities and fears I completely projected onto my friends who were there that night. Like I judged myself through their eyes. 

Anyway. It's all a bit dark and hard to see clearly. Good night XO

my truth

For a few weeks now my voice has felt very shaky. 

After the july 4th event (Did I tell you?).... I'm feeling so great about the result of that conversation. "Tell him boy, bye"

======== a few weeks later...

Summer vacation is flying by but tonight I really feel the need to come home to Poughkeepsie and kind of fall apart. 

Feel like I am going through a series of disappointments recently..

My conference in Tennessee was in some ways so painful. I am an introverted teacher. It's not easy for me to jump in to teacherhood non-stop. At 7 am the teachers are like non stop talking to each other. Why do they have to speak so much? Because I needed all that energy for my workshops and what not, I wasn't feeling very social.

And alex started being distant that week, and then I found out why. And now I am at my parents house watching Portlandia eating ice cream and trying not to imagine him boning someone else. All while not being boned myself. So devastating yes, and also sad that my beach vacation was kind of cancelled due to all that. Debating whether to go to Long Island tomorrow.  I probably will stay home and watch the Ab Fab movie with my mom. 

This summer has definitely been rough. Hoping that my island lover will help me end the summer on a positive note at the end of August. But already, a Fire Island camp trip with girlfriends should help. And this week I've committed to reading a 300 page book... and taking it easy... doing some shopping and eating, and planning my next getaways. 

What helps is remembering that he wasn't the perfect match for me. But I came to love him. But yeah, the passiveness, the messy house, the stuff he needs to work on in therapy, the unstable career, the taking forever to ejaculate. The never having an opinion on where to eat. Gah. So, it's probably for the best. 

Chris taught me that I want to be emotionally supported and cared for in my relationship. Alex taught me that monogamy, clear boundaries, sharing common goals, are things I will value in my next relationship. I also learned that this whole art-school grad faux-progressive "open" mentality is very likely to hurt someone, (me), if only by a little bad timing. Why mess with the heart? 

"The sad thing is, we're better off this way"

Friday gonna go up to the Berkshires to see an old friend Paul, spend a little time up there, then head to Debs in Amherst for the emotional nourishment of female friendship. Blessed. 

Sometimes in the summer I have this feeling of "Gotta travel/do stuff" and sometimes I do just need to sit still. And be bored for a few days. And not put a bra on all day. 

Ok. I'm gonna go watch some Portlandia now. 

where we are at now

That old instinct to push someone away. Why?

To not be seen. Really seen. To not give something a try. Because it is easier to walk away than to risk being SEEN, to risk being HURT, to invest an optimism in something and then feel REJECTED. 

Anyway after meeting chris to tell him what's wrong with him and that we aren't connecting, it turns out he had the emotional maturity to challenge me, respond to me, and we finished the conversation rekindling our chemistry - intellectual and physical - and now we are still on our path and my mentality has certainly changed. I'm sitting with the feelings of desire, vulnerability, desire for connection that kind of makes me open to..... being disappointed or "rejected". But i can't reject myself. I unconditionally love myself and support myself. I am whole yada yada yada. 

And the time we spent together the other night was awesome. He's a fuckin babe. "And even though we both fly

Give each other space and not the evil eye"

It's summer, I am feeling totally open to expressing my passions, interests in languages, travel, health, fitness, music, and staying healthy so that I can live to the fullest. And I'm armed with a better iron supplement so hopefully that will help my energy level. I'm lucky.

And in all the goodness that is going on, I can have a cutie by my side to make all the goodness even sweeter...

Such a vivrant thing...

therapeute

11 am appointment today. Amazing work. It took a few sessions to adjust to her but I am really getting something out of our sessions.

"you have a hard time asserting your own power"

"Instead of risking rejection or 'being seen', you would rather keep them at bay" 

Hence the attractions to the people who cannot truly 'see me". 

She thinks that chris is uncomfortable for me because I don't have the control. Not sure if his lifestyle is conducive to a sustenant relationship. But I am attracted to him. But I have the urge to "break up with him" just like Frank did me in 2012.

Yeah, and he has roommates... it's a financial concern... so no privacy at his house, and honestly they don't exactly inspire me. 

Just like I don't want to tell him I don't like being fucked that hard and am not into his kinky requests, I also avoid the conversation of "how we are evolving", and "here are my concerns". Just to be open to what he says. 

I hope to initiate that convo some night this week. 

After reading Alice's cool zine "poems about girls".... I feel inspired to write some poems about men... kind of about my hatred for them and love of crushing their testicles. Kind of a potent area where I can explore my anger... and assert my power. When I think about Chris I think about this specifically male way of being in the world. All about him and his cock. All the porno he grew up on has taught him that to please a woman you just fuck her hard. 

And the wildest thing today... Mike is "in a relationship" on FB! It's only been 2 weeks! I'm almost broken up w someone in these 2 weeks!! Wild. Battled feelings of disappointment, but intuitively knew that he's not the right one for me. So I'm happy for him... she seems more mainstream and younger than me. No more trying to pretend he understands what tempeh is. 

see into me

you want me to fuck you with my vibrator? 

You want to have some of my ibruprofen to prepare for your workout tomorrow? Cuz u left yours at work?

You want me to watch you jerk off and cup your balls until you come?

You want me to  sit on your face while you jerk off?  

you want me to stick my finger in your butthole while you fuck me?

You want me to be so awesome, and so amazing, and have interesting interests, and have a rich social life that I hardly need you? 

You want me to fit so perfectly into your google calendar? 

You want me to never demand too much of you emotionally?

I don't know if I am gonna do these things for u. Except sit on your face. 

"dear john"

Hey. I wanted to write to you after today. I guess I'm wondering what's wrong, but I probably know. 

It does feel to me that we are probably on different paths. After our conversation last week, it seemed hopeful that we could continue on, be open and communicate etc. But I really can't do it. I don't have the sexual energy or emotional energy available to give to 2 different people. There were the long-distance guys I told you about, but there is another one who is local. It would be splitting hairs to say that things haven't exactly gotten sexual, but it's definitely going to. And it's been recent and hard to know exactly how to communicate it to you. So no, I'm not saying that like he's the one or something, but I do want to give it my energy right now, because I've discovered that trying to multi-task at this does NOT work for me. 

Did you have a date Saturday? I am very intuitive...

I have a feeling that our purpose in each others' lives was about awakening us sexually. Going through our early dating revealed to me that I do indeed have a sex drive and WANT to connect with someone on that plane, as well as emotionally. It's important to me. I didn't always believe that. And then honestly, the sex was great with you, and yeah, it doesn't sit right that we got there so briefly... gave us just  a taste of something awesome. But I don't know how else to frame it. 

senior

Tomorrow is the last day of school. It's a day we all revere throughout the year. June 10. All will be beautiful, we will be carefree. 

Here I am the night of, and I am feeling all kinds of feelings. Impending anxiety. Yes, that I won't have my emotional life filler or teenagers. 

in my personal life, it's lookin good with Chris. But it's also lookin good with Mike. 

In therapy, a great concept was unveiled. That I get a high off of "validation", and this has played out in both relationships to students and peers. A "quick hit". 

VALIDATION. I feel validated when a 17 yr old has the hots for me. I feel validated when a colleague wants to bang me. 

Underneath, perhaps is lurking a belief that I'm not all that great. Maybe? 

Why do I need the validation? That I am pretty, or sexy, or creatively relevant? 

These little micro-seconds of seeing my journey with Chris. If he doesn't text and I'm feeling emotionally fragile, the places my mind jumps to.. 

Wanting to 'make plans" and 'speak my heart" to him and then having the withdrawing impulse. To act aloof or distant because I think it is a safer bet than emotional vulnerability.

That *no fear* thing would be useful. 

And also, I'm not religious, but I need to let "God" take care of it. He will guide me to the right relationship. The one that will make me grow and the one that will help my  energy vibration on this Earth to get higher. And if that's Chris, awesome. If not, awesome. 

5 juin

The angel card reading today was "Simplicity".... try to imagine something that has been a burden in your life, imagine it being lifted, how much you feel relieved, and then that will help for a creative solution to manifest and for your life to simplify.

"Your ego will tell you that a simple life if boring or lacking in prestige. But your body and soul will tell you that they crave simplicity for health and happiness."

Something new has come into my life. And now I would like to focus on just that. I feel like diving in actually. No other distractions. I can feel it, intuitively. I just want one thing. Not several. Not my phone blinging up with guys wanting a weekend night with me. 

But last night I didn't communicate well, and I still have a distraction in my life. And I wasn't honest. I told him a lot. But not everything. And now I will kiss 2 pair of lips this weekend, when really I want to focus on only one pair of lips. 

I burned sage in my house last night after Mike left. I slept v well. 

Mike has been in a dark period. The car, the injury at work, the rental, the insurance issue, then all those things he told me about those 2 twisted sexual experiences he had. Ouch. He is feeling blue. I was staring at him and listening to his words just like I used to do with Remy and whoever else. Listening to their sad little stories. Listening and making them feel heard. Having patience. When I came out with an abrupt "I think we should take a breather" he didn't respond well. So I like back-pedaled and pussied out so to speak. And let him think that there was maybe a future between us. 

I have this little nest here. This beautiful space. And students are about to leave. Just my little sanctuary. I want to enjoy every moment here. And prepare myself for the next chapter. Cleanse. Purge. Travel lightly with the essentials. 

I don't have time for being half in a few different things. 

I haven't really told you about Chris. We have been on a few dates. The vibe is good. He is like "together".... and even like a gentleman in a way which usually annoys me. All I can think is that, I haven't been ready for a guy like him before now. I haven't felt worthy. I shied away when a guy talked about our relationship lasting on the long-term. That was easier, less risk. And here is this 30-year old with a good job at vassar who owns a fricking HOUSE.... where typically I would find something wrong with him so I had an excuse to walk away. And I find myself interested. 

I was reading Janne's poetry about how she wants a man whose mountain is as big as hers. That is exactly what I want. But so often I would be intimidated by a guy like that. So I went for losers, where it was easy to know where I stood. And they always had time open for me. And they struggled in their lives, and I was so happy to bend over to give them a hand. Instead of raising my vibration and build my own palace. And now I am ready to build a palace with a guy who has a high energy vibration too. Who is excited about life. Who is on a trajectory upward. 

I gotta get ready for the New Paltz pride parade now. Taking a few students. Muah. XOXO

want

sneezy day today. Dunno why. 

Go forward wth our path. 

Friday, went to chiropractor, then dinner w my dad, then saw my mom acting in a new play. slept over in brewster, did some laundry, hung around, and then came home.

Had mike over on saturday, kind of a last minute plan. Did i tell u about thursday? I stopped by his metal show on my way home from Keegans. he was surprised to see me. We smooched a bit outside and the fire was re-ignited. I had thought that the window had closed to fuck me, but it turns out it is still open. He made no haste on saturday and we had an awesome time together. 

Next weekend looks like we have another fun plan. 

Sunday I took care of some business. I am writing a check to the town of hadley and learned a lesson. All hail the bureaucracy. I also found a DVD for my french AP class. I hope they like it. I am so done teaching them.  

Nico seems to have arthritis or a slight limp. I am concerned. But arthritis would be the best scenario. Lyme or something else would be annoying. It seems that walking is a bit tough for him now. I will see it through. I did look up veterinary acupuncturists :) Anything for my sweet boy. 

I am now wondering, what do i want what do i want what do I want. Do I just need to communicate my desire to be open? Do I really want to be open? And if I go to MV to see alex, is he still my primary partner, or now is Mike? And what happens when my island boy visits this summer? I have to figure this all out, or is it supposed to be natural? Shouldn't I be gravitating toward a single-partner monogamy?  Not sure.

Ok I am gonna relax for a bit before game of thrones. 

XO 

may may

the energy is still in a volatile place lately. I got through one more week. 

Spoke to the pet psychic this week, lost my Skagen watch :( but maybe it is still out there. Have asked the universe to guide it back to me. Please. Ordered a new one on swatch.com. but it's not elegant like mine. Played some vball. Felt nervous

the list

hunter

matt C

victor

polish guy - michal

xavier

sylvain

little Jon

senegalese guy

Sean

Remy

frank
Juse

Ryan

Alex farmer

Nick - St. John

Mike metal band Clover
Chris G - ugh
update Nov 2016: Hafez UGH
Laurence - QC
Lukasz - ouch
Jay - Ugh
update 18-19: Bart - Mmm
Massimo - Meh

Pres

2022 Tom T

Matt Matt Matt

Am I forgetting anyone?

#quakerism

Query 4
Are love and unity fostered among us? If differences arise, do we endeavor to reconcile them in a spirit of love and truth? Are we careful not to manipulate and exploit one another? Do we avoid tale bearing and are we careful of the reputation of others?

yesterday vs. today

 Yesterday I was feeling so good. I went out with jen to Schatzi's. Talky talky, laughter. Then we finished the night at Huckleberry's. Awesome hanging w her and Eric. Ran into a parent and  spoke on the phone with Clara. I told them about my new job. It's a step up, I am headed places. Spoke with Julio on the phone, and I can't wait to immerse myself in my CI classroom and grow, learn, and move into a time of my life where I am professionally accompished, confident, and competent. 

weather report: Absolutely gloomy. No sun since Sunday. Hard times.

Students itching, close to graduation. Getting antsy, seniors not wanting to work. Assignments missing, yet I can't be fucked to write a feedback form. I SHOULD do that this weekend. Be quiet in my classroom, get up to date on my grading. Send FB forms for missing assignments. 

I am completely AVOIDING writing this post. I feel very stressed, anxious, disheartened, and fearful at this moment. Ben came to my classroom to tell me about a rumor that he heard about me. It sent me on a tailspin. I came home, got ready to cry my eyes out, and then got a phone call that i was late for my denist appointment. Ugh. I drove there very quickly and got a reconstruction (not cavity) done. 

I am the one suffering now. I am suffering. In fear. In anxiety. Everyone else seems to be doing OK. A stupid student said something that just the mention of could literally ruin my career. 

So today I have let my mind spin out of control. I've gone to all the dark places. Believe me I have. 

And to think, I had a pretty good french 3 class today. I was focussed on teaching them the futur simple. I have been pushing the language acquisition via fluency focussed lessons. Reading stories, writing personal journals, creative projects. I have grown so much.   And then just like that, a vile conversation, a rumor unearthed near faculty ears. I fell to that High school level suddenly. Paranoid, looking at people's faces to tell me if they accepted me. 

If this experience is teaching me one thing, it's that I am ready to leave here. But I would like to receive that lesson with my reputation intact. Please. 

I want to turn the page on this, completely.  I am so poised to. I have done all my work. I have gone to Omega. I have read books. I have forgiven. I have done accupuncture. Haha. I have developed love for myself. I have embraced myself as I fall asleep with a rice bag.

I love myself, no matter what happens. 

The thing about high schoolers, is that they are in a cyclone. These emotional states. I cried in the dentist chair. It made me think about how asking a teenager to focus on a lesson about French while they are going through a breakup is not gonna happen. Well, it used to happen to me a lot more. But now it happens occasionally. No they are not my friends, but somehow I get drawn into their cyclones. As joyous as they can be (like with Nora). So whatever that girl was going on about during lunch. What you must remember is that they are onto the next thing two seconds later. 

The truth is, that I am leaving this place, and I have taken an action which propels me toward my future. As Kaypacha said, it is all about the future now. The wide horizon. So even if rumblings of something reach someone's ears, we all know that such a rumor is easily dismissed and the waves of change are about to land on shore. In 32 days. In 32 days. In 32 days. In 32 days. 

hey pretty lady

Hey there. I will try to catch you up on everything.

Those little feelings I was having in January, about this little job and maybe feeling not challenged or growing here... well they created an atmosphere where an opportunity was able to land in my lap. I can't believe it but... I am going to take it and will be moving to new Milford CT this summer. Just an hour away from here but, yeah... it's another world there. The universe hear my itching under my feet. 

Lately I am worrying in advance about my new job. I was guided to make the decision to take the job. But I am starting to feel bittersweet about having Saturday classes (!) -- even though they aren't all academic, that my weekends aren't completely mine... and of course, leaving my beautiful apartment. But I must remember that I once felt that way about my apartment in Hadley. 

But... I can still do Friday night open gym, and potentially even play on a Wednesday league team during the spring. But playing with my team lately I can't believe that such a competitive, cool league exists in Poughkeepsie. but I also have my ENTIRE summers free, so I can def play grass vball during the summer as well. 

And I will be making 12k more $$ than I do now. That's a lot, right? That gives me a lot of freedom to spend my summers how I want to. I have to remember that this job will put me more on my intended trajectory -- that I will be a seasoned, experienced teacher fully engaged in my process, competent in TPRS/CI methodology, which will lend itself to either continued growth at Canterbury, eventual PhD studies in 2nd language acquisition (which C'bury subsidizes), or eventual work at a private day school. Whatever I do, this is a good step for me. Even if it's a horribly conservative/Catholic experience, I can leave it and move on. But I know that I am going to grow there whatever happens. 

I need help with my feelings of jealousy and hatred toward my colleague. I have therapy this week and hopefully we can work on this and my feelings of anxiety. Doing a lot of napping lately. Like, as soon as I sit on the couch I wanna fall asleep. Even to a 2 Dope Queens podcast.  So there's that. I decreased my dosage of lexapro cuz I don't wanna be a zombie.

Lemonade was very beautiful. But disappeared from online and now I wanna watch more. That publicity genius Beyonce. Hold up, she don't love you like I love you. ..... I ain't sorry.... I ain't sorry...

April

Angel day 4/4... square root day...

Ooh I got a surprise last breath of winter, some needed introspection. I was able to go deep inside, to take a nap on my couch and lose track of time. I like how I have arrived at this place where I understand my environment, know the landscape, and can adjust to the rhythm/ live my life.

I can't talk long. I have to take a shower.

I have been planning a few things for this summer and I  know that they will manifest. It will start with a fun few days in Northampton with Deb seeing old friends.. then 3 weeks before an AP seminar at Fordham. I should go to it because I have some overachievers in AP next year. Then at the moment nothing else concrete, aside from a few long distance booty calls (an exciting discovery from island boy that we will probably hang in VA) and probably a visit to Martha's Vineyard to see my farmer. Then another trip in late August to Western MA to get my hair done before school starts :) and if there is time, a trip way up to Bar Harbor to visit Beth and stay at the yurt hotel.  But it's gonna be an awesome summer. 

Talk to u soon.

scary

Hello, 

kind of chill week at school with juniors gone. My anxiety was ramped up for a few reasons. I am so far from that tropical paradise mentality.

I am on this independent school placement agency website, like Tinder for teaching jobs, and usually quite passive about looking for jobs... but this preppy rich school in CT emailed me. that lead to a phone conversation... which will lead to an in-person meeting next Friday. The money is seductive. And they have a 3 week March vacation, which would mean a longer stay on St. John for me :) And they finish June 3. BUT.... i must coach 2 sports vs 1 here. So I am going to let them woo me, but to not worry myself and ask myself these existential questions, I will just tell myself that this is for practice for me. That I will probably be here next year, but, there is an openness of where things could lead. 

This week was also challenging because I found myself in an insecure place regarding my island fling. The familiar putting him on a pedestal, being both distant and awkward in my interactions with him, not being authentic,  having a sabotage mentality, regretting, 2nd guessing, etc. Waiting 11 days to respond to his text with some weird emojis and like a half-hearted reply. So maybe I will still see my island boy in VA this summer, but more likely he is just some booty I can get again next year. The lesson is that I want to speak my truth, be more comfortable with vulnerability, not let something take on a life of its own in my head.

And then I will turn around and have so much "game" with other people, like this wave of extreme confidence comes over me, I say what I want, make myself "vulnerable" to rejection, with no fear of how it is received. Everyone knows that's the sexiest thing, and you can't fake it through dumb games or calculations. 

Mole Mole mexican food w Mike last night, what a great pal! TTYS

why I am angry

 Well, I think it is possible that some feelings of anger and shame have been percolating in my body and I am ready to release them, and also express my truth directly to not accumulate anger or resentment. 

The other night at Aqua bistro, deb's friend made kind of hit on comments to me. He is much older, I'm not interested, and my body language said this. But he continued on. 

"Oh you teach high school? Boy, your male students must love you. And the girl students probably hate you."

Um, ok. Well I happen to be a good teacher and love what I do. But you feel the need to comment on my appearance. 

"Tu as de beaux yeux" -- said in really awful accent. 

Oh, thanks. No, you're not cute when you speak a language that is not native to either of us. A hit on in French from you is as slimy as one in English. Turn, eat more of my ceasar salad. 

That's all for the first installment. More anger bubbling under the surface will come spewing forth soon. 

Primary season

Hilarious. It's saturday evening. I have been inexplicably anxious all day. Biting, eating nails.

Peter sent an invite to his comedy hosting gig in Kingston. I considered it, but felt confused and not sure i wanted to go. So I went from going, not going, inviting Simon, inviting 3 other friends, no one could go, Frank couldn't drive, and i started to feel like confusing about going by myself. I even took a shower and considered going. But then I thought that I could benefit from some "time alone". The alusive "time alone".  So tonight I have stewed in my anxious feeling, did some dishes, listened to Dan Savage (not a full episode), texted  people aimlessly, and then watched the SC and NV primary results come in. I did not write ground breaking new poetry or apply for a grant or update my CV like I said I would. 

I keep thinking that I was to be "keeping my options open" but then in practicality I find dating more than 1 person difficult. So  tonight was my opportunity to keep things going with Peter. But then it would give him more hope that things were moving forward. And after the major make out sesh with Mike on Friday, I am wanting to go in that direction. In his apartment the next time I see him. But people stay tuned, will Mike be able to perform under the pressure of the early relationship intercourse? 

Should I talk to someone? So I feel less like there is something dramatically wrong with me that doesn't afflict other people? 

Anyway, tomorrow I will venture over the bridge to see Dana, have lunch at that hipstery place in Kingston, and then see Mike. should be fun! 2 more weeks until vacation! Think we'll get snow day #3 this week?

XO t

Super bowl 2016

what to say?

I find myself very connected to the vball community-- I played on Saturday with rahul's team, pushed myself, played hard, swung hard, and had a blast. A total blast. 6 months i was trying to figure out how to find a team. Well, I made my own. Amped up my level of play and can't wait to keep going. Now, a few of us are looking at how to make a dream team for next season. 

In the past month or so, I've stopped sleeping with Alex (going nowhere), and realized that I really do want to invest in something real with someone. Many teary moments and even asking Remy if he would help get me pregnant. An awkward conversation with my doctor about sperm donation and other confusion. And then I had HPV, then I didn't, an emotional roller coaster, etc. 

I went out on a few tinder dates with this metalhead guy, Mike. Instant attraction. Smooched on the 1st date. Been smooching more lately, and will see him next weekend. That's the night. But he's young, and lives far, and who knows. Remains a question mark, but he is exciting to me, very heart-on-sleeve and passionate, also has very mainstream ideas about monogamy which touch me yet surprise me. (Is it a given that one takes oneself off of tinder after 2 dates?) 

Then I had something throw a wrench into the mix (a guy I used to date has re-emerged, interesting is trying again, investing) and he and I have a lot of common ground, an ease when we are together, tenderness, he speaks French, russian, and is from Canada, would consider relocation.... has taught private school, went to cornell for Linguistics, enjoys good food, speaks stern to the waiter if we are in a rush and need our check (!), has a dog... ummm, what's the problem here? I can't really explain it, but I don't feel super attracted to him on a physical level. I guess that's the kinda thing that separates friends from lovers. 

Is this the kind of conflict that is what makes women single through their 40s? And then they settle at the last possible moment when they should have settled 5 years earlier sad face fertility problems? 

Anyway. it's all pretty confusing to me. I'm trying to communicate the confusion to people, and not just leave things unsaid. I want to see guy A naked, I want to buy a house with guy B. No the loins should not do the deciding, but I agree it's a good place to start. That desire only goes down. 

After the film in Rbeck, we embraced, and it felt really tender. We had watched "45 years" -- this film about this long term couple and marriage and couplehood. Intense, tender, beautiful film. I want to give him his medications when he is 75 and I'm 65. 

Anyway, I'm rather confused and glad to watch Downton Abbey in 15 minutes!

XO

vacation

I committed my body to the couch this vacation. Enjoying one more night of having no plans and nothing to do. The people i work with are not my friends.

A theme for me lately is this feeling that this little job here in PKpsie is too small-towny for me. This little voice of "you aren't pushing yourself enough" "you arent taking enough risks" -- I've achieved a little stability, and now I see how that feels, and now I feel like I can't take a risk to see if something suits me better or helps me grow. The thought of jumping without a safety net is scary. Money-- the fear of scarcity -- is scary. I spent many years being poor. Not being able to you know, afford those things that middle class white people like-- hair coloring in Northampton, yearly trips to St. John, those $150 boots that I just have to have. Yeah, I've gotten used to feeling like an H + M model living in a North Face catalogue. 

So now I'm just gonna listen to the universe to guide me. Where to go this summer? A month in Quebec city sounds good. Do I need to find some professional reason to be there? Should I spend 1 more year at this job? Should I get certified in NY? Or stay in private schools? Or seek higher ed to be able to teach in university, even junior colleges, and study 2nd language acquisition more? 

Dunno. I'm about to sink further into the couch right now, maybe check out some babes on tinder, let Nico go pee, read a little bit of Kiffe Kiffe Demain, and then probably fall asleep with little fanfare. 

Muah. XOXOX