coucou

 mi-novembre. fin novembre. 

Putain, ca craint comment c deja la fin du mois, c'est a dire que c'est 3 semaines de speed juska Noel. Pu-taiiiiin.

Today, watching Michael and Linda from my apartment fighting. 

Did "jack shit" all day, a walk with Nico, then  blithely moping around my apartment. Watched an episode of Lilyhammer. Weird, this holiday vibe coming. Making plans to 'spend with family'..... all of these questions about my social life so confusing. 

There is this totally cute, successful, kind, smart young man I work with. Up to this point we've hung out as "friends". I think because of my desire to survive. I need a friend more than a lover. Plus, we both live in the frickin campus. An ill-guided visit to his OKC cupid kind of got me thinking "Huh". Like if I met him in the outside world I am thinking that I'be maybe be into him. I think I am perhaps too "wild" for him sometimes. Anyway, I think I will try to snog him to see if there is actually some organic chemistry there. snog = kiss. Or after a few drinks sort of touch his arm and put his hand on the small of my back. You know, seduce him. Or at least let him know that this pussy is open to him. 

Today I felt kind of a blue feeling, like realizing that I'm craving his company more than maybe I realize. And now he is dating people (as am I) and I feel increasingly interested in talking to him to 'catch up' and make sense of our crazy world. But he's a colleague.... 

And then there is the married colleague who is 12 years older than me, married with children, not exactly hot or available (but possible in an open relationship?) who I have these dreams about --- touching, holding, embracing, kissing.... and I am starting to get the idea that he is open to this possibility. Just in these little comments, ways he behaves. But I need more than little comments. Little signals. Those are what I grab onto when I'm feeling unworthy of real love. Remember 2003. 

I guess I need to go through this dark period...it's making me examine closely what I want. I want that emotional intimacy that I'm hoping to find in these "maybe" situations. I want that real partner to talk about everything. Sure, that married guy is exciting. I mean, only if they are not monogamous. That secretive stuff is not cool. Not what I want. 

And so I go to see Gone Girl tonight.... I need an escape before the week begins. 

reverie

Don't know why but am really having vivid lucid dreams, fabricated from what it seems are my latent desires. It started a year ago when I had a few "spiritual" dreams about my colleague/ mentor, where we embraced, platonically, just full of peace and love. These recurred, and most recently these feelings have intensified as have the dreams. Last night I had a poignant and erotic dream that he turned toward me and wanted to exchange our love. 

I visit him where he lived, had to pretend that it was for some banal reason. I was standing outside of his door. He reaches out to touch my necklace. That gesture of touching something on my body. I know what he wanted, I know what I wanted. I slink away. 

Later I come back to my room. We make eye contact. It is late at night. He comes over. There is no secret now why he has come. We are touching, kissing, breathing, it is all overwhelming. Why is a crush that will most likely be unreciprocated, more attractive to me, more coveted, more illustrious, more exciting, than anything real I can have now with a single guy I am dating. Explain to me that. I have this like visceral craving for him, his touch, for him to be close to me. All of this for a pretty nerdy, aging, and most importantly, married man.

In the dream, I asked him if they had an open relationship. The answer is an astounding "yes", that they have just discussed it. She actually walks by at some point, I go to shirk away, and he kind of proudly keeps him arm on my arm, to show her that this is happening, and it's OK. Feels a bit uncomfortable to me. That part of the dream I lose my feeling of desire. I wake up at this point for a sec to pee, and as I drift back to sleep I try to delete her presence. 

<3  ............ I want to have this feeling in real life, for someone real, capable of engaging in emotional intimacy with me. and all the rest. Why these chubby guys, only they wanna date me. Yeah yeah, brains and all that. I am so tired of not feeling turned on by people. Like, just that looking at them, I love when they are so tall, slender, sexy, strong, and have nice hair. I'd like to find this and have him also be smart and funny. 

Blah blah blah. The 33-year woman's song.