xmas

oh so many christmas miracles and nuttiness. listening to my steely dan-- truly a mood lifter!! Also i stole some homeopathic remedies for 'sadness" from the office, I'm popping them bad boys. Sadness isn't exactly what ails me, but it covers the bases.

There are some things I can't talk to you about. Or i don't know how.

I think I will always remember xmas 2011. rem.
xmas eve, rem + i went to UU mass, left early because those hippies all they do is sing!! came home, cooked + ate, argued, went to sleep in separate beds. too lazy to talk to each other face to face, so conversed through the wall "are you coming home w me". "i don't know". etc. etc. his life is a mess. stress looms heavy on him. on me. i have bags under the eyes. emotional drain. I say "i want to leave tomorrow 7 am".
I am up at 6:30. cool being up in dark for once. santa coming later. i have a tiny breakfast, coffee, rem still languishing in bed. 7:15. 7:30 I decide to walk nico for a bit, rem getting up i figure he will be ready when I get back. think again. I come back, he is whining about where is the milk, there is no milk. I go are you kidding me, I want to be leaving like now, you just now at 7:50 are starting your breakfast. I go here, have this brie thing and apple, banana, eat it in the car. he is whining about that's not a good breakfast, when are we going to have lunch, don't tell me what to eat. i go well just ask yourself how you have influenced this situation, i'm not ordering u to eat anything. he goes, i got up late because I didn't sleep well yada yada. I kept myself calm. we finally get in the car. I say to him "i'm dropping you off in northampton."
and that is that. I drop him off. I cry for a bit. going home without that security blanket, but life is reflecting its true size + colors back onto itself. I am without him. After the pain of being without him, I feel such a lightness. I am lighter without him. What an intense morning, reflecting so much reality into my eyes, in one distilled hour.

lea


to be continued. jen coming to walk the dogs w me.
luv T

ahh, rain outside, roof over my head, sweet (unexercised, he hates the rain) puppy, newly washed hair, so dirty + need of trim it was starting to scare me. I'm on a Gainsbourg kick, his song "i'm leaving..." so sad + real.
Today, started with promise, ended with me not being very productive, looking at strangers' facebooks, total loss of time + self-presence.

FB just told me that my friend is pregnant - her post on a moms' group wall was - knowing her - I imagine an accidental divulging to everyone. Thank u, FB. She was asking about weaning, and she wrote "I'm expecting a new baby..." etc. I had a visceral kind of reflex at seeing it - I go "Icch..." if you can imagine me. It's her choice to have that 2nd baby, but god knows if she weren't already divided from all her old friends before... I think that she is a full-fledged devil worshipper as far as I'm concerned, that's just so OTHER she is to me now. I think that's goodbye.
Also, that language of mothers -- made her seem so foreign to me. I guess mothering 2 children at once must just call to you as a vocation.
It's also weird to think that at age 30 I've already - purposefully or not -- chosen my destiny -- like every millisecond that goes by the chance of me having even 1 child in my life apparently shrinks. The early bird gets the worm, I guess?

Today - saw my old PsyD. She is wonderful - but now not accepting insurance - but doing a sliding scale $15-100 per session. He he, guess which end of the spectrum I will fall in. Challenging to not attach that stuff with my own issues, feeling judged, wishing I were richer etc. Who is the saint who volunteers $100!!!!
Looks like it will be a Wednesday morning tradition. Maybe Woodstar... Dream dream dream.
Speaking of which some mad nutty dreams lately.

So, it's nearly 12, I'm still up, and I need sleep healing so should wander there. I'm wanting to focus on me lately. Last night went out w/ Nick. Great guy. I feel like he may like me or something, but he's rather dispassionate about it. The overtures of masculinity are right now what I'm craving. That sense of risk, and intention, is what I seek in myself + others. U know, ala TB taking me to the movies and being totally eyes on me and taking care of me. It's like, clear, and fully enjoyable to be in the presence of that. Then he got weird... But I can still dream.
Focusing on me + body & mentally + blocking out the haters +reducing the layers of suffering + being where I want with clarity & intention = I will be ready when the Tim of my life comes around.
I've gotten to be a bit spiritual lately, darkness looming has turned me to "God" - the default setting of that God is the catholic one who has a super plan for my life and has already blessed me + does so everyday. Ya know, turning to God can't hurt.

So, alot of kettle corn today, Nico always wants some.
Wishing that my fingers were more agile lately on instruments. Bass, viola, I'm craving building new muscle memory. It's something I will be proud of, and potentially can grow things from there i.e. play in an orchestra, i.e. in a band.

Trying to be exceptional, because right now the deficit of my exceptionality is glaring. Yeah, like everyone else out there is living richer, more vibrant, more present, than me. Adds a layer of suffering so says Dr. Ruthman. Remove "everyone else" from the equation and experience it all for yourself. It's all yours, to claim, to own as yours.

yope

Ugh.... I forget.

Had a smiley nice trip to dog walk today -- met people who named their Papillon 'Omar Little" and my new friend Fern + dog Tupelo. Thinking about how having a dog does kind of ground me + keep me in touch - every day -- with nature and natural rhythms. Rem also hobbled along behind us.

Last night Kwaku + I went to amh coffee. We got wine + felt like well-educated New Englanders. There was an obnoxious couple there who I can't get out of my head. Their vibe, just so.... uncomfortable with themselves or something. The douchey dude insisted on sitting at the bar & engaging the bartender in his obnoxious discourse about his knowledge of whiskey. His lady friend seemed like she hasn't shaken the unpopular girl stigma of junior high, and she looked miserable to be with her douchey man but maybe doesn't know where else to find love. She kind of weakly nodded along with him. It was like they got out of the house to be in a romantic setting to do anything but talk to each other, so they found vulnerable prey in this bartender.

Otherwise -- trying to find stability in my solitude -- cleaning out my space -- cooking and nourishing my body -- yoga weekly + young adult mindfulness practice -- trying to live with intention. Lately feel out of control of my career, not a feeling I like. Like I have a livelihood at the whim of others.


yadayada. Just trying to get some enjoyment in the day to day. I wake up to an animal family of 3, at least 2 in my face. So nice on the weekend to lounge with them.
Saw Rem today, but I think I'm on my own as far as grieving. He's pre occupied, same stuff with how well he sleeps + eats. I have a suspicion that he will be on a plane to FR soon. It's like he's come to the end of my rope here. And then it will just be me, in the dust, until it settles. I am feeling the gravity of it all for both of us. Cuz he's a bit absent. Honestly I am happy for him. Now, he's living right in DT Noho. But he's still all... "ugh I have nothing to eat, people are loud at nite" etc. the gravity maybe will hit him one day. That we spent 4 years together and those things don't just end like a broken down car. Although it feels a bit like it. And he has an air of resentment toward me now. Like, "u were mean to me for 2 weeks of my life and now I'm living in a room". I've let all of my anger go. It was partly my fault. I could go around with baggage i.e. "i wasted 4 yrs of fertility with you and thought that you'd get it together eventually but u never could". I guess I'm mad that he like, didn't break up with me 2 years ago. Men have got to do that. Be men, men. Don't stare at the television set and be half awake in your life, because those around you are affected.

Ok, gonna go try to cook + hopefully meet Elsa + Simone + Antonella if she doesn't flake. x o More later.