lovingkindness (again)

" You have to go swimming with me, or you'll get grounded"

-overheard at Puffers Pond, amherst MA. 

Driving these roads. I have driven them so many times. Western MA is where I became an adult. The bridge from early20s- 30ish. It feels like I am visiting a distant galaxy. At the main light in amherst yesterday, I saw that grey-haired petite guy Jeremy(?) crossing the street. I have seen him cross the street so many times. He must be working at amherst cinema still. At esselon, the wifi password is the same. The same staff. They recognize me. I recognize everyone. I have seen everyone before. At puffer's, women are swimming with their children. Amherst school committee members are gossiping at Cushman's.

A fire siren just made me panicked. That my old apartment with my dear animal friends inside was on fire. That was my instinct always. 

At times I hated living here. I hated the liberal earth friendly people who seemed so alike. I hated how they all were into good vibes yet headed to Trader Joe's in hoardes at the exact same time and all were annoyed when you drove too slow or cut in front of them at Whole Foods. I hated the fucking students who swamped the region with their parents. 

Now, I love all of them. At a distance it is easier to just love the charm of it all. How special it is, this area of the world. Like few others. 

I am another you: In Lak'ech Ala K'in.

So jam packed, these few days. Trying to milk the most of my time here, people people people. Frank, rihannon, maribel, deb, leopoldo, ben, stephen, josie, all in 2 days. And a swim. It's summer. 

What has summer taught me? That's on my mind. How will I weave its lessons into this coming year? Some ideas:

I want to laugh more often. I would like to watch Seinfeld and South Park for this purpose. It should be a daily task. Just watch something at night that makes me laugh.

I want to keep my apt. cleaner. 

I want to keep an "alter" near my bed which is clean of dust/ dirt, where I will keep my crystals and stones displayed and in sunlight's path. 

I want to keep my social life separate from my work life. I want to hang out less with anyone from Oakwood. Except on occasion. They are my colleagues, not my friends. 

I want to have a rich spiritual life. That means: reading things which inspire me/interest me, meditating/ deep breathing, journal writing, etc.

Physical health and attention to my nutrition will help me on my spiritual path. I want to drink only occasionally. I want to not abuse sugar if I am feeling low. I want to eat lots of real, alive food, and keep my system balanced and regular with as needed use of probiotics. That means not abusing coffee in the afternoon either. 

I want to speak french not just in my teaching. I want to make audio blog posts to this blog about whatever. 

I have to pee and meet Cousin Dan for dinner. Peace out people xoxoxox

hello

 Struggling with feelings of envy. I look upstairs, see my new colleague, she has a cat, a "partner", and she has a nicer apartment than mine. Fucking private. And she is "new" at our school so people are trying to woo her, impress her, make her feel lucky, that she was hired. And she got a nice new red car, a hybrid Prius C. Hot red.

And then I saw her leave her apartment. And she is fat. 

My feelings of envy subsided. What the fuck does that mean? 

I want to hate the girl working at this coffeeshop. She never says hello or thank you. And I as a consequence trip over my "sorries", saying sorry for never any fucking reason. Sorry, I only have change. Sorry, I need to pay by debit card. But she is playing Oasis now. So it is hard to hate her. 

She is also fat.  (isn't fat what they want us to call them now?) Not big- boned or other polite lies? Chubby is for children, am I mistaken?

Yesterday I called from bridge traffic on my way to acupuncture. I called the acupuncturist to say that I would likely be late.  I estimated 10 mins late. She told me to not come, and that I would need to pay a late/ no-show fee of $15. We had a tense exchange on the phone. I mailed her her fucking money in the mail today. I made an appt for next Thursday, but I actually think I don't want to work with her again. Her sliding scale fees have gone up 10 dollars now. I feel that she has gotten all hustley. I don't feel that we connect. She asks me how I am managing my stress, I tell her some bullshit about how I am breathing through my feet, she tells me "good". And she sticks her needles in. It's a half hour drive from me. I think i don't want to see her again.

The acupuncturist, coincidentally, is fat. 

trailer

Summer days spent at my parents house...

Watching their continual marital behavior.... I sometimes feel like an intruder.

When I think "I can't move to quebec, i would be too far from my parents", I come here and remember that my hometown is not something I need to live near forever. 

today, felt utterly euphoric after eating at Ramenesque. (maybe satisfied a more fitting word?) Amazing food. Felt it was good to stare down discomfort of being around my parents. Exercise in lovingkindness and stuff I am learning and reading about. Eating and drinking very well and feeling that my body is healthy. 

Going back tomorrow to PK, to look at the apartment I may move into, get my mail, and then I have an accupuncture appt. My bladder issue is really doing well! Thanks for debrae's conversation. I think it helped. It's related to: sexual boundaires/ sexual shame/ boundaries to my self/ releasing old feelings and mentalities no longer serving me. That this foreign unwanted invader in my bladder is unwelcome. And I have the power to say "leave". I already did say "no thank you" to frank. Debrae is so right: he holds his self-worth in his penis. and I validated that for him. Although he declined a real opportunity for intimacy with me (when he broke up with me), I accepted the subsequent hook ups and I let him "run the show". Hid my own expansiveness. I accepted the occasional dick and told myself it was satisfying enough. It was, to a degree. But I let him in, let him in, let him in. Can I say it enough? I let him in.  And there he stays. But I have no need for him anymore. I don't want his dick (it can be found elsewhere, let's get real here), or his motherfucking nonstop talking, or his inability to be vulnerable. Don't want any of it!!!! And so it shall leave my energy sphere. I don't need it anymore. 

I just googled the civil war scholar/ historian that my psychic said I should be meeting one of these days. 

I found one guy who was not the handsome stud I am looking for...

August 2015

 This is now.

All of a sudden it's like the appetite for summer comes and feels overwhelming. I went to the same swimming hole today that I went yesterday. Crossed a bridge to go there. It is fucking August, people. And if you didn't know before, you know now. It's summer. And guess what: the main quality which summer has is that it ends. The most painfully of any season. With a hard reprisal of the 'serious' 'industriousness' where the professional and intellectual pursuits begin anew. All consumerism reminds us of this, almost mockingly, in their back-to-school sales.

Can u tell I'm a teacher?

I will try to get to the point of everything.

This is an important week. I will: hear about where I am moving on campus, I will meet an English teacher candidate (tables have turned, beotch!), I will drive to Ithaca and see my old friend Nicci, I will go to my parents' house to see their new car, I will speak to DEBRAE, my psychic communicator and energy healer on friday, and then I will go to a healing weekend at Omega on forgievness and self-love. "lovingkindness".  I will also submit some costs for reimbursement from my employer. I went a little grammar-workbook crazy this summer and ordered every possible book.

Anywayyyy. The most pressing is the self-forgiveness. I told one friend about something that I feel deeply ashamed of. It helped to tell her. She understood my mistake, and urged me to see the humanity in myself. We are here to learn. Iyanla said today: Don't beat up on yourself for what may seem like a mistake. It was necessary for you to walk that path to learn those lessons.

It was indeed necessary to walk through the fire. To remember that I don't want to endanger myself, my career, or live in fear, or live in shame. I want to see myself in the same way that my colleagues who bestow accolades upon me do. I am worthy. Of professional achievement. I've earned it. The mistake that has me living in fear for 1 year has made me sick.

Remember the mantra for the urinary issue: I am safe. I can joyously welcome the new and releasing the old. You will like this stuff. 

  
NAIL BITING:
Probable cause: Frustration. Eating away at the self. Spite of a parent.

New thought pattern: It is safe for me to grow up. I now handle my own life with joy and with ease.

ANYWAY. KAYPACHA SAID THAT THE 14TH IS A BIG MOMENT. HAHA. didn't actually mean to have CAPS lock on for that.  I can't remember why he said that. Something like just new slate or something. 

Oh yeah - it was that we have to face our own projections and judgments of other people. It is hard to learn the truth about yourself. I can be very hard on people. And it's like, I am hard on myself. It's my own inner voice. Used to judge other people. It's the worst. Like, "Oh, that relationship won't last. _____ can't face his own solitude and loneliness, he is just chasing someone --- anyone -- to fill a void in himself." 

What could such a statement say about the judger? Uh, that I am incredibly lonely/ sad/ wanting to put my own self-imposed isolation pre-relationship onto other people. Because THAT'S THE WAY you do it. No. I can be kinder to others. I can be kinder, in turn, to myself. 

I am really looking forward to Sharon Salzberg's workshop at Omega this weekend. 

XO for now. 

it's like

it's like the old friend concept. Yes you can keep revisiting but you can never muster the courage to connect,  again. That's what it is like coming here to write. It's like a friend who no longer speaks your language. The golden days were when josie read this and we kind of encouraged each others writing, stayed abreast of each other's lives. I've dropped the thread. 

It's like my life has changed key. I can't hear myself singing any more. 

My father -- that has been an emerging topic. I want to reassure him that he has fulfilled his duties - been a great father, a great son, a great brother.. He can be a great man to himself now.  He came up in discussion with Debrae. The way he sees the world -- very static -- judgmental -- and that my mother set the model of "acquiescence". I thereafore hide my expansiveness next to the man figure around me. I saw that painfully play out with Remy. I even watched the video. He made a dumb, simple minded joke, and I playfully laughed. My concern was his comfort. 

thinking

 what I have been thinking about:

Had a great 2 days w Mariko in montreal. There she turns me onto a book "Lovingkindness" and suggests that I tune into how much love I am giving to myself. Then she suggests I give myself a gift before the school year begins. A workshop or retreat. I look up the author online and see that she is doing a workshop at Omega at the perfect time in the summer. Aug 14-16. Wow. 

I heard that message from another guy in MTL: "first, love yourself" etc. I think that I do love myself, but maybe I don't. I think i can put myself down and not think I am amazing. 

Today am thinking STILL of a certain colleague. Confused feelings toward him, and now, hurt feelings and anger. Before Quebec I told myself I would take a break from him, not see him or try to make plans. And tho I unfollowed him on FB, I just took a moment to hard core stalk him. And paul, the french guy from Quebec tant que j'y suis. It's official, their lives are 500% more fulfilling and active than mine. 

Made an appointment w debrae. I need to speak with her about a few things. 

There are: 

Negative self-talk

Forgiveness of myself

moving to Quebec

relationship w Dad, parents

Alex and Paul

colleague? if time

I also feel wayy out of it, because my apartment is in a state of chaos and I am moving very soon. Unsure exactly when, but it could possibly be my dream apartment, with a fireplace and super private. 

Should I break it off w current dude? Or just make my objectives clearer. 

Off I go into the night with a highly uncertain mindset and hyper-sensitive psyche,

Tami