new

I have made huge purchases influenced by remy:

cool looking stereo system (Harmon/ Kardon) from amazon.

iMac. remember the adrenaline rush as we checked out on the apple refurbished site.

bike - sweet peugeot canary yellow road bike, off craigslist. Now he's the bike nerd + rides it everywhere.

cigarettes, even though I don't smoke.

Ummmmm.

Strange day. with R leaving, a weird shift happens. I go back to "life before remy" state. Spent the afternoon weirdly elated shopping at salvation army, the vague question of "is he the one" not a question I can face.
Dreamt that I have chicken pox, or some other illness with red bumps all over my face. Felt weak.

went to "work" today, this office where I used to work. I think I've moved up in the world, I walk around there like I know everyone. There was this bitch girl who I saw first start as this skinny princess with too many eye makeup, and I walked past her today and thought to myself how much weight she has gained I hardly recognized her. Well, she filled out. Working at the same place 350 days a year!? dang. People must see everyone evolve.

There is this little library at work where people bring in books to share with others. There was "Prozac Nation" which I haven't yet read, which certainly has its place in cult fandom. I frankly would like to read it, but had a weird realization: I'm not depressed enough anymore to really go for that kind of read. Funny, huh? Like I suddenly got why people stop listening to joy division. I had a similar feeling at the psychiatric nurse's office. She did her little run down questionnaire. And I kind of felt like a joke saying how I am sometimes self-destructive through overeating. Or, I told her how I went out by myself and drank 3 beers and was really drunk. I thought I saw a look in her face that was like, why are you here? And I felt it too, trying to rewrite my script for the doctor to help me. Like, maybe I'm not depressed enough anymore? It''s weird how I kind of am feeling like it feels good to feel good, to help myself and enjoy my life. Must come with age. Pilates has helped, like I walk around feeling like a hot fit lady. Health is so amazing. Health = when you can nourish your own self emotionally and with food it is so cool.

It may contribute to how I've become boring + have nothing to blog about?

blogue

Summer summer summertime...

Monday, things are starting to move along.

asked about pilates training, I think I'm gonna do it! It's expensive of course, and it's in Hadley and not Montreal. But, it's at my own studio and a good place to start. I'm a little bit shy when it comes to these things, but then i have to remember that people don't hate me immediately the way I imagine they do. I never caught that yoga bug, but I imagined myself doing some sort of physical training at some point. With yoga, I feel like it's a contest to see who is the most peaceful. And like self-consciousness and awkwardness are so not Zen so if you feel awkward you're obviously not at peace with the world and yourself. Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Then trying to figure out my schedule at this work place for the next 2.5 weeks. The first glitch is trying to squeeze in dropping remy off at the bus station and crying and hugging in between working there. Oh lala. He is leaving Wednesday, and the usual feelings of feeling the floor taken from under my feet alongside a bit of relief. I think someone leaving your side who is always at your side is always so viscerally painful. Watching someone get on a bus as you stay behind...Watching the bus pull away... And then rushing back to work at a sucky flourescent lighted office building. But honestly i almost would rather that than coming home to an empty house.

I cannot explain to you why I feel this way, and then how I ask myself if he's the One or whatever. I think it's my life that needs fixing and not the relationship sometimes. But thats neither here nor there.

So otherwise I feel like I am shedding skin like a snake. I Literally the other day was rubbing off this dead skin from my arms. I am just realizing that these old friendships I am still hanging onto. still gripping onto the hurt feelings. And what with Fartbook, these people just don't exit my consciousness. RELEASE has been my new mantra. RELEASE IT. Kind of a variation on the whole head under the covers thing. But release. I am feeling more and more that I cannot move forward without releasing. Why did V stop being my friend and instead chose losers over me? RELEASE.
Is A. happier in her life than me? RELEASE
Maybe it could have worked out with H.? RELEASE (hard to release this one)
Wow A. has a nice diamond ring, how come I don't have one? RELEASE.
Maybe guys liked me more before I got boring? RELEASE.


SOMETHING ABOUT US --- DAFT PUNK ---- Such a good song.

Otherwise, life has been lazy days in the Valley, i like how there is no school no guilt no fear no teens. I have my period and yesterday I hid in the bushes to insert a tampon and put on my bathing suit. I'm becoming less modest about this stuff. Like Rem and I pee in this little parking lot everytime we go to this bar, and the last time much to our surprise these car lights go on and this dude in a pick-up just watched me croutch down and pee. Ah well.

Next time I blog I'll try to tell you about how I watched my mom kiss this creepy artist guy on the lips (it was one of those hug/kiss confusion mixups) and then how I have coordinated 6 teens to come here + stay with families. when its maybe me who wants to be friends with French teenagers. more later. xxx