Ry

It is 1:43 am, ryan just told me that he slept with someone else, that is why he had a problem on thursday. i didn't need to know... but I guess I did need to know too.
It is 1:44 am and I suppose that I feel grateful that I feel a little teary on learning this. I have real feelings for him, I love him, he is so kind.. but there is a reason I haven't been demanding his exclusivity with me, it's because he is a stoner, he lives in another dimension than me, I guess that is why i have in theory thought I'd be cool if he were talking to other ppl. In practice it's not exactly cool. It reminds me that I am kinda only confusing both of us, by saying like "no thx for being my boyfriend, but I still wanna sleep with you + cuddle + watch movies + sleep in the same bed when I visit".
I thought that I would hurt him 1st... then I've been so busy working and doing nothing else, that I haven't had the opportunity to hurt him. He is technically a single guy and he found an opportunity to connect with someone sexually... in theory I'd encourage him to take it, don't wait around for me... so he did and now I am the hurt one.
dwell dwell dwell. That could be a danger in the coming days. But I will be OK. take a step back. We are sexual beings. I rejected his boyfriendship... so whats a lad to do.
The bottom line is, we don't have  future together...  so now one of us took the fatal blow. so we can move on.

Yale

Summer camp.

This will soon be a blur.... in 2 weeks and 2 days to be exact :) In 2 w 2 d, I will come home to Brewster and I will be having dinner with my parents while nico + Bo hang out around us. I will probably not drink wine because I will have a hangover from Geronimo's the previous night.


Today evvvveryone is not feelin it.

Amanda is sick ish, got home from PA at 1:30 am, I think I heard her.
Jenny has been going non-stop for weeks, is feeling very sick and tired, but keeps on proposing  a planning party, or a movie in her room, or froyo with her brother, or expensive Korean restaurant....
When Sophie's dad calls to complain, she feels like so utterly secure in her teacher identity. Defends her life maps.. and watches every Bravo reality tv show.
Ruth is at a folk festival with her boyf.
Ry visited yesterday... we had a snafu in the bedroom and i can't say that it doesn't affect me. That has never happened to us... ry said something about being nervous.... and then these condoms he bought were like "super charged" for his or her pleasure... it was like this fucking WEIRD lubricant that is supposed to heighten our pleasure. It made it like suddenly extremely good for him so he had to stop like every 10 seconds. It totally sucked, and our sex life has been previously so good. I somewhat came when he went down on me, but it was like all too much, too fast... u know, plus I haven't had sex in 2 weeks so I need a refresher to get into it.
It was super cool to be here at Yale on my day off. I could be like an ordinary citizen, got my froyo on, watched people getting drunk at Flights of Fancy, this yearly new haven event.
I think the next time I will have sex is about August 25th. One month from now!? I guess so.
That is Katie's wedding date. I will come home from her wedding feeling and good buzz and I will sleep over frank's house. So weird, now I am actually classifying/preferring dudes based on their bedroom prowess. But maybe Frank will come home from Asia with a mail order bride..

This week has sucked... and it's almost over. New group of chinese kids.... extreme cell phoners, they are more unmotivated than most... they are the new Americans i think. I can't wait until they leave.... and then camp will be pretty much over. Teenagers' main preoccupation is pushing your limits, finding loopholes to rules... conniving really to get what they want.  The cell phone thing is out of control. I feel pushed around... and with 14 students now it feels like utter chaos.
Just had a fantasy that due to my poor lesson observation I will be asked to leave camp one week early. I wonder if that is possible. Anything is. So much talking smack goes on here.



I must go to bed so as to not fall ill.... Sleep sleep sleep is the key.

XO
t

new hellven

watching the coffee brew...

Today, asking a cafeteria worker at Yale where is the Soy Milk, is there any more.... she thinks not but will check... when she has a minute. Feeling so completely marked by my race + my class and my whatever. 

NHaven is... what you might expect. So divided, this elite world of Yale, with its iPhoners at every turn.. and this economically depressed surrounding community. the Have & the Have nots... the Going Places and the Going Noweheres. 

At the bus stop today... in broad daylight... with 3 white girls around me, we are all looking at our iPhones. A dude wearing a Star of David bling chain comes up to us and asks us if we have any idea how dangerous it is to be on our iPhones in downtown New Haven. He looks at me and says "you're not even from this country are you"

I am frankly... miserable at the moment, but I dare not speaketh it... lest this miserable feeling be validated everywhere I look. I eat every meal with someone. Someone is always next to me. I'm gonna bust out soon. It is almost like they want to discourage private conversations.... because my colleagues and I have so much negative to say about the program... so we put on our sunny faces. 

I can't wait until I am out of here.... every Thursday I get to leave for 24 hours. last week, my parents, this week, visit Ryan... next week, dunno yet, and then it will be HALF over. 

I'm here mostly for the money I suppose.. giving up SO much independence, and needing to accept scrutiny of my teaching by people who don't know shit about teaching. Also they want to be fucking smiling and Lady Positivity. It's fucking fake... and whats scary is that they are selling that fake niceness to international students... thereby perpetuating the stereotype of the artificially nice American always high-fiving everyone. 

But to think.... that I can pay off some credit card debt, and finally be able to get a tattoo... or to be able to move to RI. 

So anyway, that is 100% my life and all that I am living and breathing at the moment. 

I also have worsening rosacea... worse in the HEAT which is right now. worsened by alcohol which I really want to drink. 

The good news, is that I may be able to have sex on Wednesday night into Thursday. I'm dyyyyying to after these 2 weeks of hell. 

xo Tam