coucou

 mi-novembre. fin novembre. 

Putain, ca craint comment c deja la fin du mois, c'est a dire que c'est 3 semaines de speed juska Noel. Pu-taiiiiin.

Today, watching Michael and Linda from my apartment fighting. 

Did "jack shit" all day, a walk with Nico, then  blithely moping around my apartment. Watched an episode of Lilyhammer. Weird, this holiday vibe coming. Making plans to 'spend with family'..... all of these questions about my social life so confusing. 

There is this totally cute, successful, kind, smart young man I work with. Up to this point we've hung out as "friends". I think because of my desire to survive. I need a friend more than a lover. Plus, we both live in the frickin campus. An ill-guided visit to his OKC cupid kind of got me thinking "Huh". Like if I met him in the outside world I am thinking that I'be maybe be into him. I think I am perhaps too "wild" for him sometimes. Anyway, I think I will try to snog him to see if there is actually some organic chemistry there. snog = kiss. Or after a few drinks sort of touch his arm and put his hand on the small of my back. You know, seduce him. Or at least let him know that this pussy is open to him. 

Today I felt kind of a blue feeling, like realizing that I'm craving his company more than maybe I realize. And now he is dating people (as am I) and I feel increasingly interested in talking to him to 'catch up' and make sense of our crazy world. But he's a colleague.... 

And then there is the married colleague who is 12 years older than me, married with children, not exactly hot or available (but possible in an open relationship?) who I have these dreams about --- touching, holding, embracing, kissing.... and I am starting to get the idea that he is open to this possibility. Just in these little comments, ways he behaves. But I need more than little comments. Little signals. Those are what I grab onto when I'm feeling unworthy of real love. Remember 2003. 

I guess I need to go through this dark period...it's making me examine closely what I want. I want that emotional intimacy that I'm hoping to find in these "maybe" situations. I want that real partner to talk about everything. Sure, that married guy is exciting. I mean, only if they are not monogamous. That secretive stuff is not cool. Not what I want. 

And so I go to see Gone Girl tonight.... I need an escape before the week begins. 

reverie

Don't know why but am really having vivid lucid dreams, fabricated from what it seems are my latent desires. It started a year ago when I had a few "spiritual" dreams about my colleague/ mentor, where we embraced, platonically, just full of peace and love. These recurred, and most recently these feelings have intensified as have the dreams. Last night I had a poignant and erotic dream that he turned toward me and wanted to exchange our love. 

I visit him where he lived, had to pretend that it was for some banal reason. I was standing outside of his door. He reaches out to touch my necklace. That gesture of touching something on my body. I know what he wanted, I know what I wanted. I slink away. 

Later I come back to my room. We make eye contact. It is late at night. He comes over. There is no secret now why he has come. We are touching, kissing, breathing, it is all overwhelming. Why is a crush that will most likely be unreciprocated, more attractive to me, more coveted, more illustrious, more exciting, than anything real I can have now with a single guy I am dating. Explain to me that. I have this like visceral craving for him, his touch, for him to be close to me. All of this for a pretty nerdy, aging, and most importantly, married man.

In the dream, I asked him if they had an open relationship. The answer is an astounding "yes", that they have just discussed it. She actually walks by at some point, I go to shirk away, and he kind of proudly keeps him arm on my arm, to show her that this is happening, and it's OK. Feels a bit uncomfortable to me. That part of the dream I lose my feeling of desire. I wake up at this point for a sec to pee, and as I drift back to sleep I try to delete her presence. 

<3  ............ I want to have this feeling in real life, for someone real, capable of engaging in emotional intimacy with me. and all the rest. Why these chubby guys, only they wanna date me. Yeah yeah, brains and all that. I am so tired of not feeling turned on by people. Like, just that looking at them, I love when they are so tall, slender, sexy, strong, and have nice hair. I'd like to find this and have him also be smart and funny. 

Blah blah blah. The 33-year woman's song.

what is happening

hey. So mark + I have went on a few dates, had a few kisses. He notably seemed more into kissing than I was, even made a reference how he felt turned on or whatever. I knew the harsh truth-- I didn't feel the same physical attraction. It's what i've been looking for. But isn't there a degree of 'lets try this...." maybe my feelings will change. Last night I saw him and I know again that he doesn't spark my flame so to speak. So I can stop driving to New Paltz to see him just to make sure it's not there. I think I can tend to romanticize these older guys and put more confidence in things working out, when I'm really just not interested in the person. 

I derive no joy out of saying "I'm not interested", but maybe I should. More finite, it avoids the months-on-end asking me out casually where I always have something to do that night. There is a guy from literally May. Still saying "hey, wanna grab dinner and martinis?" 

OK. so there is something else. This summer, I got stronger. I led a 3-week camp with teenagers. I was the boss, the authority, while still enjoying a warm and loving rapport with my students and colleagues. I was determined to put last year behind me. The tristan episode, my constant feeling of blurred boundaries,  my poor choices, my feeling of incompetence, instead of using my negative feelings to change my behavior. 

Friday: a typical Oakwood day. There was a series of very mild boundary issues. Hall asking me about vegetarianism, Gilly came and shut the door behind Hall, making me  very uncomfortable, as if we needed to be alone. Hall left. Then Ben comes in and closes the door behind him. I ask him why he did that and he has no real reason. He just wants to talk about nothing with me. He is 15. We do some talking, gossiping, nothing bad in itself. At some point I open the door and remember that the Dean has class in the next classroom, able to observe that I was with a student behind closed doors. Then ben doesn't do his HW for my class the next period, just wanting to chit chat. There is that same tristan-esque vibe where I feel that a quasi-friendship forged outside of class makes it impossible for me to be an effective teacher to him.  I also have my own work to do, and I am frustrated in my own lack of boundaries, to be able to say "I need to prep now. Please leave unless you have an urgent question, or see me during study time"

What I will do, is come to work on Monday with a renewed sense of my values, with a commitment to change any behavior which doesn't resonate with my values and professional goals. 

When I suffer, it's that I will take a bad behavioral choice (i.e. talking too freely to Ben, gossiping), and then harp on it all afternoon. How that choice obviously makes me a fraud, a bad teacher who will soon be found out, how I may as well just look for other careers because I am clearly not fit for teaching. ALL of that buzz in my ears is false. It's an inference created by my mind, and guiding me to continue the bad behavior to sort of prove that my low self-esteem is valid. 

This summer, I chose not to respond to text msgs or reach outs from TF. His presence in my life does not serve me or elevate me to a higher level in my life journey. So I just did not speak to him. Felt right. 

I have the choice everyday to echo my values through my behavior. Where I feel uncomfortable, is the dissonance of behavior vs. values. Does not  feel good already, and losing my job for example would only bring that feeling a tad deeper. I'm already suffering in my own conscience, therefore I can actuate change and not rush to judgment or self-damnation. 

knee

 Hello. August. Oh, September. Whatever. 

Where did the day go. I managed to face my work head on. Writing syllabus is overwhelming. 

Had an unfortunate run-in with a faculty's dog tonight. He got way excited when we walked by, then charged at Nico. As I went to pick up Nico out of danger, her dog bit my knee. Three puncture wounds. First time wrapping a wound and trying to keep it clean, avoid infection.... I don't know what I'm doing exactly, went to a faculty dinner standing a lot, did a little soap and water thing. Maybe tomorrow morning I will have to go to see the doc.

It is weird, like maybe this happens in parenthood too, my love for Nico is like the blood through my veins. 

My dog is so chill through everything. While I limp around the apartment glued to three different screens and replaying the events of the day in my head, he is just totally chilling. I think that is his purpose in my life. To show me how having a strong core means that exterior stressors can't knock you down. 

Fear -- Bladder

Saw the accupuncurist. Weird. First visit. Bizarre. 

Weird how the news of the world is so bloody horrible. Well yeah, there are the obvious ones. The beheadings, etc. But a local guy came on the news on WAMC and talked about how these dogs were found drowned in the Hudson River, autopsy revealing they died from drowing. Bags over their heads. The cruelest stuff, you can't make it up. Or you can. So classic. 

When I see something in the news about how a little girl died, was murdered, etc. I must tell you that I don't feel the same pain as when I hear bad animal news. Is that horrible of me? I guess I think like it's mainstream to value a human life over an animal one. We don't need to convince anyone that murdering girls is horrible. That person will be in jail for decades. Receive society's scorn. 

I was driving to my date with Mark when I head that radio report. Tears streaming down my face, just pure sadness. Yesterday on facebook there was again an overabundance of bad animal news. Just heartbreaking stuff. I wonder too, maybe my own pain for their loss is greater than the animal spirit's pain.  He has left his physical body, he is at a higher frequency now. What has his death taught us? 

somewhere

I can feel peaceful. No one wants anything of me at the moment. The 3-day meetings are over, I have a week to get myself in order for school starting. 

"I can feel peaceful".... an odd way of phrasing that. I think thats what Anxiety is. You never are letting yourself full relax. Because you "have so much to do". But in that is a subliminal  "you don't deserve to enjoy this moment". I can feel peaceful. Like we need a permission slip. 

Instead of enjoying the evening hours with phone calls to friends, laughing. breathing deeply to my Yoga Nidra online class.

At meetings, feel this nervousness before i speak. And then think for days about what I said, and how I didn't say it well. How I misused that precious time where I could have been establishing my good reputation. In stead it will be delayed.

Ridic. That will be the death bed anthem. "what were they thinking of me"... NOT

In this moment. My dog is sleeping angelically on my bed. His legs are straightened, like a human sleeping on his back/side. He is tired from a great walk at Vassar and car ride. Then some snacks, rotisserie chicken I got at Adams. It is absolute heaven being with him. It is hard to fully express how I feel that he is a gift in my life. How he just makes me feel instant joy, love, as I tap into his consciousness. Eating, exercise, resting, and unconditional love. Every day. It is alarming though, because I have to recognize that I love him more than any man right now. Perhaps I could free up a little more space there in my heart for a real man to walk into? Because all that heart is filled up with love for Nico.

I visited Rem in MA and felt the same familiar feelings. He is "struggling" because he doesn't want to live with roommates, or sign a lease, and so he was looking on Craigslist etc. When we passed by my old apartment (our old apartment), I mentioned how I didn't think it was rented. Then he thought "oh maybe I can call barry...". He did, but got no response. It makes me think.... a few things.... Where to begin.

I feel slightly outraged because Rem benefitted for so long from my "good bounty" or whatever. From my good vibes in the community. We lived in a sweet apartment, quiet,  convenient, and it was all due to ME having a great apartment, and a great relationship to the landlord. Not to mention.... I guess I've shut the door to that chapter of my life. MOVING, it's very symbolic. You leave where you once lived. It's an unconscious decision to "go elsewhere". I don't feel that there is an option to go back. Not even to visit. That would be too weird. Too much. 

Rem thinks that it is plausible that we will get back together. This is turning into the longest, most confusing and cyclical breakup I've ever experienced.  It is like I need to break up with him again. Why he has this hope? I must be vaguely encouraging it. By not energetically disconnecting with him. As Debrae said, I need to do energy work on my own body and visualize these old connections being gently cut. So that my heart can gear up to love again. 

Sorry if this is boring to hear. I'm just tired of singing the same song to myself. And when I think of going out with whoever new guy, I am tired of feeling this "guilty" feeling, like I am abandoning Rem. I have to remember. When I was ready to commit to a relationship with him on a matrimonial level, he rejected that. It was during that process where I saw his truest colors. Unable to make decisions, unable to look holistically toward the future (aside from what he will eat at his next meal).... and then as I grew into a stronger, happier person, I also saw the thing in him which ultimately made me leave.  His absense of a positive "can do" attitude. In fact, he has a "Can't do" attitude, no optimism, no trust in universe.... and despite so much of the good work he is doing on himself, I truly believe that it is at the core of who he is. I can love him for who he is but I can choose to not spend my life with him as his partner. 

My impulse is ALWAYS to help him. I am realizing something. When you continually step in to help someone, you are actually interfering with the universe. You are getting in their way. As Danielle says. So in the long run you aren't helping them.  For me, this reinforced the dynamic between us. I always have the positive ideas. I have the connections. All he has to do is get on the surfboard. But so often, he doesn't. He can't. He's not ready. He has too much else on his mind. And the next wave I'm still there offering him the surfboard. Instead of getting on my own surfboard, riding the wave into the sunset with my next babelicious boyfriend. 

more l8er. Bonne nuit

Jen was saying the other day how she feels like she feels like more of a " grown woman" than ever. Possibly related to her birthday phone call with a psychic where a past life was released.

raw until 4

 I watched this girl tell me about how for breakfast she has a date/banana smoothie with water and some cinnamon. Kind of.... gross? All those calorie-rich foods, but like no real protein? Anyway. I totally understand how it's not really considered a diet, but rather a "lifestyle". Gotcha.

First day of school. Well no, just meetings. Felt puzzlingly happy and positive. 

A preoccupation of late has been my health.... this weird bladder problem, I had to get catheterized and talk to a urologist. After self-diagnosing for a while and ordering so many supplements, I feel like back to normal. During the scare I thought of how my diet is often too full of sugar, dairy.... eating at irregular times. Not to mention the underlying anxiety through it all. And acne.  And anxiety. How I wanted to establish a regular meditation practice. 

I do think that food heals us. 

Curiously my department chair not wearing his wedding ring today? Might my dreams be coming true? 

Today I felt so confident, I spoke up during faculty meeting. My voice was shaking as always but I said something.... I thought about how the faculty who were staring into space disengaged, so cynical, critical, fucking brainless.  I'm looking at you. 

I planted the seed during Meeting 4 worship that I want to be a competent teacher this year, a joyous presence to be around, appreciated by students and colleagues. Known as competent, caring, an original.  I want to have a great year, to not let the stress of my job overcome my life. I want to live a balanced existence, happy, only attracting other happy people to me. 

Food will certainly help me in my quest to do this. To treat food as medicine. Not abuse sugar to where I am cranky and prone to illness. Self-critical, anxious, unconfident. TO take pleasure in eating and cooking. 

I still am in shock with my behavior last year. It is in the past. I want so much better for myself. I was lonely, whatever.  I am going to move on.  Now seeking emotional intimacy in adult relationships. 

OMG. Just finished Breaking Bad. Wow. Wanna do it all again. Because they really don't speak loud on that show. I was always like "what did she just say". 

Visited Rem in MA last weekend. "Why" is the essential question on everyone's mind. 

To be continued.

august

 they say August is like one long sunday night if you are a teacher.

so much to try to tell you. 

At the moment i have a health problem. So much mind-body about that stuff.  I have a mysterious increased frequency in my urinary needs. To the point that it wakes me up at night. But without the classic bacterial symptoms. So, hello urologist! The women on the phone today told me, "well, maybe this is just new for you... something you will have to adjust to". I said "I'm 32!" I have that frantic need to be heard and seen by a medical professional. Somehow feeling "heard" never quite happens in western medicine. Like they have their own script playing over my speech. As I express my experience to them. Appointment not for another 10 days, so who knows, maybe it will clear up.... Inshallah

A feeling of having access to my higher Self lately. When u feel that way, you feel as though you have access to others' higher Selves.

My big plan to "write" tonight has been sabotaged by drinking 1 beer and dancing to Juicy J in my apartment. Also a bladder problem. 

Some ppl's 'bucket lists" are very like inspired and wholesome. My bucket list seems to hold things that are potentially dangerous, or are they? Like I would like to sniff cocaine and go dancing and connect over the drug with a friend. Like so that I can tell my child that Mommy lived before he was born. Also to experience it. 

ON my bucket list is NOT doing acid or anything else psychadelic, except maybe mushrooms. 

New young man at the health food store, named "Max". Cute, awkward, nerdy, and interesting. Probably 22 or thereabouts.... romancing younger men is no longer on my bucket list, but I do have love for the young men. 

 Something problematic is that I haven't had sex in a while nor do I seem to want to? Just all that undressing/redressing. 

Just wrote a pointless paragraph on body image. Yes, it's fucked up, no woman loves her body completely. Talk about the mind-body connection. This feeling of "What's wrong with my body?".... comes up in the bedroom and in the doctor's office. And in the every-fucking-moment. 

Hope to talk to u again soon. XO

summer vacation

This is the reality. I can no longer mask it with behaviors or relationships.

Today this school year ended. 

I have been in an unhealthy pattern lately. Think i've put on about 5 pounds.  Thing is, I feeel nasty. LIke just full of artificial flavors and dairy and nasty bloating feeling. I haven't had so little control on what I put into my body before. Remember how cooking for yourself makes u take care of yourself, less likely for crap to get into clean food from your kitchen. Since I live here and they pay for my food.... u get the idea. 

I notice myself eating when not hungry now, saying I won't eat fried foods and then eating them and drinking beer (its the World Cup!!!) I should practice forgiveness....

But underneath there is a feeling like that my body is changing. Even tho i'm not pregnant i'm getting fat more easily, and in that weird post-30's way where I almost look like .... bumpy? Like random new crop of love handles, almost like a second floor of love handles. Like my width has just expanded.

In a way I haven't experienced before. 

I am finishing the most intense 6 months of my life. .... intense? Yeah, a total change. From my old life in MA to my 'new life' here in the Hudson Valley. 

Ma = where so many things were no longer working

HV= closer to where I grew up, a feeling of being closer to my roots. Closer to josie/ jen/ NYC.

I quickly starting making very poor decisions. The big one outshines all the others. This mistake was more about feeling lonely and alone.... seeking love and approval from the worst possible source. Yeah. I won't go there. There is a mistake that would have gotten me fired and also potentially put in jail.  That awkward moment where a gravity of a situation hits you. Like Alex at UMass, how clearly out of line that all was. Employee/student relationship, or rather jizzing in his pants-ship. But that was so 2006. It is 8 years later. Can u believe it? And what has dear Tami learned. In fact that little seed of rebellion didn't fade with age or maturity. It's right there, wedged in some old wound, maybe some daddy issues and absence of self-regulation with a splash of self-destructive tendancies. Right where I left it.

So there's that. I always thought if I made it to this point I would thank my guardian angels and I wouldn't fuck up again. I don't want to. 

What this change has given me is financial independence, stability, and a professional challenge. All things I wanted.  

This is why I feel the impulse to stay at home until something that makes me feel good makes me emerge. Not this young man with emotional problems. Not this person who is out of his touch with his emotions and wants to get high all the time.  Getting high.... I have my own vice of that, don't need another manifestation of avoiding my emotions. This ass is getting so fat!

More l8er

June

That awkward moment where you wonder if you are happy in your life. 

Like, if any of it makes sense to you. That you are living on a boarding school campus, free of students for the summer, and have to see your colleagues fat asses and disapproving glances yet still. 

More and more women on facebook seem to have babies for their profile pictures.... weddings are happening under fabulous weather. 

Going to a bar alone still an exercise in not-fucking-losing-your-shit. Just let me watch my world cup match and not feel the need to ask me if I have kids or why I am single at 32 or where I lived in France and why I am a vegetarian.

I know: I am the one responsible for setting the boundary to me and the outside world. It just feels like lately, I have very low skills in this department. Maybe a reflection of my level of self-confidence? 

There is this young person. There was a string of bad decisions. There was awareness of self-sabotaging behavior. Inexplicable, it seemed. There is a feeling that I am harboring a seriously lethal secret. Me and my dance 

Do I like the Hudson Valley? I cannot tell. I just had a slew of negative interaction with rednecky type of dudes talking down to me at AutoZone, which is clouding my positive open feeling toward to the Valley. Route 9, you feel like a foreigner.

It's just been this kind of school year. Doing my job really passionately and having just a few negative colleague interactions. This feeling that I am giving so much to my job only to have "nothing" come summer vacations.

I got a job teaching for 3 weeks on campus. I'll be making pretty good money. Enough to warrant going on a special kind of travel/ vacation experience in August. I look around however, and it's like "with whom"? I am increasingly feeling like I somehow landed myself on a solitary raft off the coast of an island. You know when you are looking away and somehow your boat gets really off course. Like, almost irrevocably.

Some random thoughts for today. I feel like it's been awhile since I really felt like I was living at the edge of my being. I look around at my surroundings. I am constantly "at work". It is the most unsexy. The most uninteresting. The most fucking uninspiring.  And it is within my power as an adult with valid skills, sass and class to evaluate these conditions and how they are serving me. And opt for a change in either   situation or perspective.  Happy summer everyone especially to fellow boarding school faculty.

 

XX

There is stuff I cant even tell the internet. Cuz someone may be listening. 

This past weekend opened my heart.... like cry cry cry. Breaking up with 

I'm ready to be like in love again, wanna spend my time with a dude who gets me. Go jogging with him and then just chill with him, watching Netflix and everything couples do. 

I find myself in this treadmill pattern, maybe u've noticed.... chasing these temporary, emotionally unfulfilling flings and often inappropriate liaisons. like with much younger dudes. I tell myself that it is fulfilling to my pussy. This constant titillation, these unbearable urges, this immediate gratification, always pushing the envelope. Like these little jealousies kinda of making my pussy wetter??? I think I would have judged this as unhealthy, young, pathetic, whatever...... yet I find myself in this weirrrrrd high school kind of cess pool/ cage/ fishbowl, whatever u wanna call it. Everything is about the satisfaction of the moment. And a vague idea of what will fulfill me on a deeper level. 

This date on OKC the other day. I'm like reticent to go out with him again because maybe he'll try to go for the good night kiss. uh Yeahhhhhh. So WTF is this fear of intimacy, or fear of kissing foreign lips, of not liking his tongue in my mouth, of wanting to go home and sext my 25-year old...

Like if I could just get into my falcon vision and rise above the earth, and not feel the need to like relive my high school years, but one where I'm more popular.... like chill out over the details. 

Thinking about the end of the school year, i'm psyched.... its coming so fast. But the idea of looking around and realizing that like everything my life has revolved around since January is suddenly whisked away. I'm feeling empty in advance. I really am hating boarding school because of this. I'm forgetting like who I am outside of the classroom. Or as a faculty member. Everything that has defined me previously will be gone, every day.... just the empty classrooms and paths. Its weird. It's more than weird. It's truly problematic.

Voila pour maintenant.