gonna

try to write about this thing that is bothering me.

Oh, aren't we fortunate to have hearts that hurt sometimes?

he cocked his head to the side

 samedi soir.... nous voila...

I have watched 2 episodes of gossip girl.... then 2 of Portlandia... then listened to Nick Cave.... then take my vitamins and washed dishes in my kitchen sink.

I could say i savored my own company... but it's out of balance in that I spend most days and nights with myself, it loses its novelty, u know?

I remember that feeling I used to have in college, so excited to curl up in my dorm room and read beat poetry... That passionate girl must still reside in me, but the internet has made her a lot fucking stupider. And sucked into negative comparisons to herself and others in her peer set. Do I need to know that Sarah found her dream boy, now has a proper ring, and 100 "likes" of her choreographed photo? Aw, even alternative chicks like her find the right guy and get engaged. Except you, what the fuck is goin on there??? No man, just a sad story about an ex boyfriend who never could "pop the question". And another sad story about an emotionally absent guy who is good in bed, and that is good enough for "now". Does that count for anything now-a-days?

it's not the first visit to facebook of the day that kills it. It's the subsequent "whats going on now?" keeping it open in the browser... excitedly awaiting for the notification to tell me that I have a new like or friend request or new message from a guy who lives 3 time zones away. 

Yet who can point the finger... whose fault is it all. At what point do you shut out the distraction, get off your ass, and live your life, guided by your own sense of direction and innate sense of where to go. Those who say "But... maybe he really loves me, i'll wait + see..." --- they will see that they go nowhere and the love never arrives. The voice of the wretched former beauty queen..

Just got a feint feeling of excitement of gaining some momentum working with the population of students I enjoy, that is international privileged rich kids..... if only I could earn some more money NOW. that has been a struggle. Guess what, for the first time, I think to myself, you can move out of your apartment in October! U can do whatever the fuck U want. Do you have the courage?? Its ok, if the cats have to move back to my parents. It's OK, if Nico has to live with them for awhile. Its OK Its OK. Why am I sticking around the valley?? Yeah, it's cool paying very low rent and taking hikes pretty much every day for a few dogs as my job. Not cool basically not affording groceries. 

Things that make me feel good

Learning spanish

Having good collegial bonding experiences

Reading and listening to French radio, and speaking French with phillippe or Frank or Julie..

Playing with dog/ staring into his face

Working out -- cardio & 1 lb weight work on my arms. 

Drinking water

Making smoothies with spinach chia seeds berries almond milk yogurt etc.

Having sex with someone I feel attracted to

Watching Louis CK standup... I can't believe him...

Also Reggie Watts...

Watching the 1st half hour of Kathy Lee + Hoda.... OK it's true, I like that.

Washing my hair with Pureology shampoo for Platinum hair, and feeling that my blond locks are healthy and looking luscious.

Feeling tired of making lists.... gonna go lie in bed and drift to sleep, first I will let the dog pee. 

XO XO looking forward to rain tomorrow.