9 pm

Should go to bed early tonight, be fresh for day 2 of AP seminar. 

Strangely, today I found myself rolling my eyes, feeling like i knew half of what she was saying. She LOVES to talk...

It's as though, perhaps, this work is sort of weighing on me. Not sure if the joy is still there. And when people ask me if I have a francophone parent, or am canadian, cuz "my french is really good"... it's like where does this shining star fall? Is it really  in teaching? 

But whatever, for now the vacations are good. 

In one more year, I do not want to be living in a dorm. So, there's that. Or, doing the yearbook.  So, one more year. Speaking to Sarah today, she was telling me a

Interested in david's texts, but now he is in LA and very busy working (it seems). 

Today I made like a cartoon relaying the story of Laurence. Felt good. Seeing two stick figures like in cunnilingus and other positions, then the Uber and the texts and the car leaving Quebec. Finally heard a word from him today, and I am able to put a harrowing few days of self-doubt and being desperate for validation to rest. He is fine. I am fine. I am on my path. The wound that he slightly opened, however, will remain. 

And, I wanted to hop into bed with him, I wanted everything that happened. I wanted to live life. And I also wanted to leave and call my Uber (nice guy named Mathieu in a VW), and sleep in my bed, and wake up feeling good, and go back to my professional life, and have a good memory of this sweet bartender who is like me, and like you, and we are all alike. We want connection. We want to be touched and touch someone. 

Today, talking about Quebec I was the most filled with joy while talking about my crazy night in Montcalm with Mike Audrey and Eli. Drinking 40s of Labatt (yeah...) and the rounds of shots.... and leaving the bar at 4 am when the SUN IS UP. One of these nights. And Deb helped me, that my awkward feelings are unfounded. 

Onward. Forward.

Want to ask Debrae about why my left shoulder hurts when I am around certain people. 

Off to toothbrush land!

quebec

 Eh ben, je suis la.... Je vis ma vie ici. Je suis quelque part de different. Memes phantomes meme souliers. 

Demain: bike bike a bit. Maybe stop at Noctem and drink a Kombucha. Weather so weird here. Sunny then rain 10 minutes later. Bipolaire

Yes, it will be nice to get back to my grounding place. August remains wide open. 

Thoughts of Cbury. Unfollowed them on instagram. It is not my culture there. On some level I know that 1 more year is all I need there. And then I forget the passion, why I am living in the dorm and doing the yearbook, what is the trade off ? Besides self-flagellation ?

Then meeting students, I am reminded. 

Walking thru the streets today in a sort of talking therapy with myself. Don't care about being the woman talking to herself in English while climbing from Upper to Lower town, slowly. 

Topics of self-therapy today were: Guy from yesterday "Adam", and Paige.

Still. 

Themes: Where do I end and another begin. Why am I afraid of losing my footing. Or someone infringing on my light? No one can do that. Only I can do that. I infringe on my light. If I feel threatened or diminished. But it can be another way. I can be secure in who I am, my light still shines bright, even if there is cliqueyness or a guy who tried to kiss me then give me advice on how I shouldn't give mixed messages by like licking my lips or playing with my hair. And then leave basically without a goodbye even! True story. 

I guess: I got what I wanted out the evening. A companion to have a beer or 2 in St Roch since we are both traveling alone. But there was a price to pay, I suppose. And I knew I risked that. Going in I thought "I know what my objectives are for tonight, and if he is on a different page then that won't affect my experience because I am strong in my footing." Well, that sort of happened. And maybe I was less stable than I thought cuz I spent 2 days thinking about it and hating him and feeling anger toward him. That anger directed at him, which hurts only ME. 

Today I read this insufferable book about "clearing" energy in people and places. And she tells us that the emotional cripples or invalids are hard to spot in society. The emotionally unhealthy. They aren't in a wheelchair like the physically disabled. So you don't really know. Trust the guardian of the heart. 

A theme: I feel angry at a guy when I was not attracted to him or interested from the beginning. Noticing his bad breath, smokers mouth, white saliva (like Ryan), nomad, last minute, English speaking, took a dog on a 18 hour road trip (???) disgusted by his mouth and not turned on by his body. There's the post-mortem analysis. I could have classified it before I opened my circle of light to him. Hearing his tales of how every date he's had has "gone bad"..... well who is the common denominator in all that? But is that my job to give a shit about that ?

I feel "mad" when I open myself to someone and their standard of behavior turns out to be lower than mine. But I am still strong in my own energy, am I not ?? I feel mad, like their took a little of my energy. My own energy management, I can do it, no one can take it without my consent. And my boundaries were strong when he went to kiss me, I recoiled immediately, and said no , made a gesutre that I wasn't interested in that. Why would he even go there? That's where it started to unfold. He later told me that he had been texting w a friend about how he went for a kiss and it didn't go well. Like women are a fucking board game. A challenge of ingenuity, timing, and playing the right cards. On the path to their pussy (hoped for outcome). How are you gonna get their number. Having a dog usually works, so he'll get a dog. He'll model for art classes.  All on the calculated pathway toward the desired outcome. 

That's enough man hating for tonight. 

 Yeah, it's about my own boundaries for sure.