Primary season

Hilarious. It's saturday evening. I have been inexplicably anxious all day. Biting, eating nails.

Peter sent an invite to his comedy hosting gig in Kingston. I considered it, but felt confused and not sure i wanted to go. So I went from going, not going, inviting Simon, inviting 3 other friends, no one could go, Frank couldn't drive, and i started to feel like confusing about going by myself. I even took a shower and considered going. But then I thought that I could benefit from some "time alone". The alusive "time alone".  So tonight I have stewed in my anxious feeling, did some dishes, listened to Dan Savage (not a full episode), texted  people aimlessly, and then watched the SC and NV primary results come in. I did not write ground breaking new poetry or apply for a grant or update my CV like I said I would. 

I keep thinking that I was to be "keeping my options open" but then in practicality I find dating more than 1 person difficult. So  tonight was my opportunity to keep things going with Peter. But then it would give him more hope that things were moving forward. And after the major make out sesh with Mike on Friday, I am wanting to go in that direction. In his apartment the next time I see him. But people stay tuned, will Mike be able to perform under the pressure of the early relationship intercourse? 

Should I talk to someone? So I feel less like there is something dramatically wrong with me that doesn't afflict other people? 

Anyway, tomorrow I will venture over the bridge to see Dana, have lunch at that hipstery place in Kingston, and then see Mike. should be fun! 2 more weeks until vacation! Think we'll get snow day #3 this week?

XO t

Super bowl 2016

what to say?

I find myself very connected to the vball community-- I played on Saturday with rahul's team, pushed myself, played hard, swung hard, and had a blast. A total blast. 6 months i was trying to figure out how to find a team. Well, I made my own. Amped up my level of play and can't wait to keep going. Now, a few of us are looking at how to make a dream team for next season. 

In the past month or so, I've stopped sleeping with Alex (going nowhere), and realized that I really do want to invest in something real with someone. Many teary moments and even asking Remy if he would help get me pregnant. An awkward conversation with my doctor about sperm donation and other confusion. And then I had HPV, then I didn't, an emotional roller coaster, etc. 

I went out on a few tinder dates with this metalhead guy, Mike. Instant attraction. Smooched on the 1st date. Been smooching more lately, and will see him next weekend. That's the night. But he's young, and lives far, and who knows. Remains a question mark, but he is exciting to me, very heart-on-sleeve and passionate, also has very mainstream ideas about monogamy which touch me yet surprise me. (Is it a given that one takes oneself off of tinder after 2 dates?) 

Then I had something throw a wrench into the mix (a guy I used to date has re-emerged, interesting is trying again, investing) and he and I have a lot of common ground, an ease when we are together, tenderness, he speaks French, russian, and is from Canada, would consider relocation.... has taught private school, went to cornell for Linguistics, enjoys good food, speaks stern to the waiter if we are in a rush and need our check (!), has a dog... ummm, what's the problem here? I can't really explain it, but I don't feel super attracted to him on a physical level. I guess that's the kinda thing that separates friends from lovers. 

Is this the kind of conflict that is what makes women single through their 40s? And then they settle at the last possible moment when they should have settled 5 years earlier sad face fertility problems? 

Anyway. it's all pretty confusing to me. I'm trying to communicate the confusion to people, and not just leave things unsaid. I want to see guy A naked, I want to buy a house with guy B. No the loins should not do the deciding, but I agree it's a good place to start. That desire only goes down. 

After the film in Rbeck, we embraced, and it felt really tender. We had watched "45 years" -- this film about this long term couple and marriage and couplehood. Intense, tender, beautiful film. I want to give him his medications when he is 75 and I'm 65. 

Anyway, I'm rather confused and glad to watch Downton Abbey in 15 minutes!

XO