callous bitch entry

Well well well.

I'm afraid this entry might reveal me to be a selfish crabby bitch who can't stand other people.

i think I make more typos on my mac. Just sayin.

Ooh, i'm torrenting alot of muzik recently. good stuff for FREE bitchez. (but am I screwing over the artist?)

My relationships woes are currently on hold as we've discovered the healthy relationship tactic of getting drunk together. Solves many problems, actually. I go to the bar w/ him or his friends and feel like i have a little bit of a life drinking + peeing behind trees. Anyway, on to the thing on my mind.

Let me preface by saying that I have few friends here in the valley, so maybe alot is riding on each of them. With becky leaving soon, we've been hanging out more it seems. Just for coff or I will make her go with me to pilates and we'll analyze every situation for hours. She's a reliable friend because she too has no other friends. she is a very "level-headed" person. she follows a normal sleep schedule, has no boyfriends whatsoever (?), eats well after losing 60 lbs. on Weight watchers, and she always has a talking point from the NY Times. and she takes medication for bi-polar, which I don't know, may explain how fucking boring and normal her life is.

Just before I was to meet her mom, sister, and her for lunch yesterday I started encountering the nagging feeling that some things Becky does "annoy me". One of the primary things was that she kept referring to her mom as simply "Mom" as in, "Mom and I are going to cook dinner". I cn't precisely say why this annoyed me so, I'm sure something to do with an instinctual ownership of my own mom, like I would never call "my mom" "Mom" to someone other than my sister or dad. So, this has been growing on me for a while, and seeing her mom again yesterday brought the issue forward again. It would be awkward to say something about it, I think.

I'll illustrate the main points for anyone interested:

Becky's energy = not a "leader" in the friendship, instead she always looks for cues from me and how to proceed.

i.e. on the telephone, if we talk at the same time: "Oh, what were you going to say? Oh no, you go ahead". She will always truncate her speech often if she thinks I'm about to say something.

Like, fucking say what you want to say.

Her mom: a mousy , passive energy woman just like Becky. At lunch, catastrophic indecision about who would sit where. Again, not a leader.

Um, is this essential? I paid for my own lunch. Becky and Heather also paid their own way. Keep in mind this is Becky's graduation. I just have never encountered this type of parent. Remember that awesome weekend in NY, Nicci's parents paid for dinner for EVERYONE:

ean, molly, tami, nicci at like a fancy resturant in manhattan. 2 bottles of wine, dessert, the whole shabang. i mean, my parents do the same, so I have never experienced this before. I guess parents take on a certain "role" of parent to all of their kids friends, and I can't wait one day to hopefully have the means to pay for my own kids lunch, and their friends if they are lucky enough to have them.

I noticed Becky's mom kind of staring at me. Like in the same way that Becky does. Like, waiting for me to set the mood, to say something witty, to make sense of the world for them. Really freaking weird.

Also I was sensing a general repressed vibe with the family. Like Heather is pregnant with a 1-night stand but they're trying to work it out, I was just happy for her and I was sensing everything no one was saying. Repression kills.

I guess I get crabby when I see parents like not acting in a parent role (or what I perceive as a parental role). My dad always whips out his wallet when I am leaving to come back to MA, and I've just come to accept this gesture of love and support from 1 generation to the next. I've seen Remy's dad do it too, it's like an awkward standoff where his dad asks him if he has enough money, and then regardless of the answer he forces a 50 euro bill on remy. So cute. I mean, I think in way these dads like give in money what they can't give in love or by showing affection.

anyhow, thats a tangent.

But this mentality has gotten me in trouble. Remember Erin struggling to pay for her SUNY school at age 20, and I tactlessly asked her why her dad doesn't help her with money.

I guess we can only speak from our own experience, and hope our ignorance doesn't distance us from others.

I guess I just have higher dreams for myself than to go to my child's graduation and not have a car to drive myself back to the hotel, and have to ask your kid's 28-yr old friend for a ride. And not pay for her lunch. That may be really yuppie of me, but I hope that I have a good job + security in my life when I am 60.

Am I just like super sensitive? Am I such a judgmental bitch I don't even deserve to have friends? Probably yes to both.

Why does it take me so long to recognize these qualities in friends? Like, yesterday becky awkwardly offered me to drive her mom + sister home. I was so uncomfortable I actually put my hand over my face. Such an animal instinct. They quickly were like "no no you don't have to" and I said "no" on body language alone. discomfort all around.

I'd love to have more friends who are sometimes-leaders, sometimes-followers, who have something to offer the relationship, say whatever the fuck is on their minds even if it is crazy.

whatever

it's me.

well I will indulge this fantasy for a little bit that someone reads my blog.

maybe that person is my secret admirer, but I doubt it because I think it's only 1 friend. I don't really care, i mean I just feel like it is a major achievement when I am able to even write a post because everything is such a scramble of weirdness in my life.

The dishes are clean, remy is at aikido, i had bigger dreams for this afternoon than what I did. after a jog I ended up on the couch watching Oprah about these three black kids who were starved and never fed and then adopted by another loving family, and then half talking to my mom tell me about how Lisa visited today etc.

Lately the doldrum of my life has been a mix of excitement for the school year to end + then anxiety about the future. I would like to have a better visualization about what it looks like. Sometimes images of owning a scooter/ moped/ vespa come to me. Other times I would love to live in a city where the anxiety of being a car-owner will not follow me. Other dreams include living in Montreal and finding a nice quebecois boy that I am happy to be with.

Ok so this blog has been basically all about my love life. I just haven't been able to discern if this relationship is the reason for my increasing anxiety (I sometimes wake up and for that first moment of awakeness my breath instantly gets so much faster) especially if I hear R. like coughing or sneezing in the next room. Or if we are actually compatible in any way.

I guess that sounds like it must suck pretty bad.

I also am contemplating people being married, it's somewhat weird. Joy Behar recommends to not get married. I mean, it's something so like, unreversible. Even though it's not. That subject has kind of obsessed me recently, like I am so drawn to the idea of a wedding. But that feeling in the back of your head? That like, what if you are attracted to someone new? Then what? And what if at your wedding you are like in a fight? I can totally picture that happening. Yet all the facebook photos tell us that people are head over heels always, they can't live without each other, they support each other and are each other's best friends. I look at Allie and I feel like bad for her. She is 22 and just got engaged. Maybe a little bit because he is French. Weeks before we were chatting about she wasn't sure, they were fighting, he's so unemotional she felt like being in France no one understand her etc. But then, voila, a facebook announcement and an outpouring of support and hysterical congratulations.

For the people it seems to work for, I have admiration + respect. I kind of have doubt. Like is there really that one person out there?

I sometimes see myself as a divorcee, but a happy one, like with good relationships with exes and kids and whoever. Divorce is lookin' pretty good, and I'm not even married.

Being single sometimes looks so nice. Like, just all the time in the world to do the things you want.

Right?

i guess an "answer" to all this stuff will come soon. If remy leaves the USA with his head in a bucket, thinking of nothing but his next meal I look forward to a new change in the fall, maybe in a new locale! But is that a thinly veiled way of saying I'm done with the relationship, regardless of what he "chooses"? I sometimes cannot stand him. I sometimes think he is so sweet.

AHLALALALALA.