my last post was exactly one month ago. I feel guilty for not writing - not because of my audience, but mostly because I feel like I risk forgetting my life.
Alot happened in past month - mainly just chaos and business.
I rescued a family of kittens behind my house, and one of them I couldn't resist keeping - is now living with my parents - she is so amazing - I named her Sasha.
I decided to get super high in the middle of the work week and spent the next 24 hours hurting and high and obtaining some insights about life. I realized that I want to be around for my life - and this whole motherly instinct is kicking in pretty strong - i.e. I want to be 100% there for myself and my future child. Self-preservation is the thing. Like, I feel in better physical shape than I have maybe since playing Bard volleyball - and I eat amazingly better than ever. It's why I've started to love cooking and baking - I want to nourish myself and the people around me.
Something about Mercury or Venus coming to a peak around year 28 or 29 of a life? I feel in a way like that moment has come for me.
I've kind of looked to g$d or whomever recently - and asked that my heart be clear and ready to receive love - especially from the man sleeping next to me at night. it hasn't come like a light-bulb, but rather I feel a steady flow of happiness to have a strong man in my life and one who keeps me warm at night. It's unclear as of yet whether my heart being open means that I will still need to leave the relationship because he won't marry me. Ahem. That would be a sad day, but I'm ever aware that it may be a necessary step.I just wish people in my family could just accept us as we were, but it's not only about them. I want that future and that symbolic ring of some sort, call me a cliche. It's what I want. And my uterus ain't getting any younger, honey.
yesterday we got into a bad fight about this issue, and then we hugged and crying and "remember whens..." If it's so wrong, it sometimes does feel so right.
Anyway, in other news I've been working alot but last week had a hard moment - I was driving to a fucking game at smith Voke, on a team I don't really know in a gym whose colors are so depressing and I get blinded by flourescent lights. And I was remember me circa 2006, doing the EXACT SAME THING, and I am noticing how little my professional life has changed - literally living day to day, the old status insecurity, but now it's sort of bigger. I feel like I am phasing out of "twentysomething" life and there are no more beatniks around me who seem worse off than me. (true, I have no friends). I do have big time consumer envy - like I want a HONDA FIT very badly - I want what it would symbolize to me - independence, gas efficiency! that purchase will be so huge for me. But the day is just so far off.
And then the envy has changed - I now look at young moms with a twinge of envy. Like, they really have it together - house, roof, some sort of job success, partner who wants to get them pregnant, supportive parents happy to be grandparents. This is all a new things for me. It's like I suddenly realized that I theoretically could be the mom of a 4th grader. When my flute students ask if I have kids, I wistfully say no... even though I am able to so appreciate this fact. Like, how are their 31-year old moms doing it? How did they do it when they were like, 24 and pregnant!?
I stand around at school now and am well aware that people may think that I am a parent. The absence of what is.
And my millionth period came today. The last few months it's come a few days early (like 19 days vs. 28), and I've had the impression that my fertility is closing in on me. But la, ca va.
Another aspect to this life evolution is how I so pity and cringe at some choices I made when I was younger. Like I suddenly feel like my own parent. How low was my self-esteem that I went chasing for love so hard from men who didn't love me? How could I have stayed so long w H as he lusted for groupies and stayed permanently 19? I so remember like growing up in that relationship, yet I stayed with something that didn't fit. Because it was so nice...
Maybe the next 7 years of my life wouldn't have been such an ugly blur if I would have respected myself more in college, and thought about my future.
But the future didn't come for a while.
Like, think about marrying H and being a beautiful pregnant 22-year old. That could be beautiful or a disaster. Remember Italy? Remember walking around that bookstore fearing that I was pregnant?
Well, some brief facts about the last month.
Crushing on Sam who works at trader joes.
got business cards advertising my pilates teaching practice ---> the design is black with diamonds! Yeah. they were only 7 bucks and I went with pretty and plain.
Am open to what the future brings - after February. I'd like to start my ELL license up here, so a long-term sub position or even part time @ WS after feb break would be awesome. Just getting that out there, universe.
Have majorly geeked and am excited about my parents Xmas present - a kindle! Can't wait to play with it.
i can't believe I am such a slave to commuting - i hate it and will avoid so intensely. I am thrilled to not be at WS right now, and thinking of the horrible sludgy commute in the winter.... hells to the no.
I am going to ABC right now to meet some of r's colleagues. Could be fun or annoying, but there will be beer.
x x o o happy thxgiving!
