Yesterday I was feeling so good. I went out with jen to Schatzi's. Talky talky, laughter. Then we finished the night at Huckleberry's. Awesome hanging w her and Eric. Ran into a parent and spoke on the phone with Clara. I told them about my new job. It's a step up, I am headed places. Spoke with Julio on the phone, and I can't wait to immerse myself in my CI classroom and grow, learn, and move into a time of my life where I am professionally accompished, confident, and competent.
weather report: Absolutely gloomy. No sun since Sunday. Hard times.
Students itching, close to graduation. Getting antsy, seniors not wanting to work. Assignments missing, yet I can't be fucked to write a feedback form. I SHOULD do that this weekend. Be quiet in my classroom, get up to date on my grading. Send FB forms for missing assignments.
I am completely AVOIDING writing this post. I feel very stressed, anxious, disheartened, and fearful at this moment. Ben came to my classroom to tell me about a rumor that he heard about me. It sent me on a tailspin. I came home, got ready to cry my eyes out, and then got a phone call that i was late for my denist appointment. Ugh. I drove there very quickly and got a reconstruction (not cavity) done.
I am the one suffering now. I am suffering. In fear. In anxiety. Everyone else seems to be doing OK. A stupid student said something that just the mention of could literally ruin my career.
So today I have let my mind spin out of control. I've gone to all the dark places. Believe me I have.
And to think, I had a pretty good french 3 class today. I was focussed on teaching them the futur simple. I have been pushing the language acquisition via fluency focussed lessons. Reading stories, writing personal journals, creative projects. I have grown so much. And then just like that, a vile conversation, a rumor unearthed near faculty ears. I fell to that High school level suddenly. Paranoid, looking at people's faces to tell me if they accepted me.
If this experience is teaching me one thing, it's that I am ready to leave here. But I would like to receive that lesson with my reputation intact. Please.
I want to turn the page on this, completely. I am so poised to. I have done all my work. I have gone to Omega. I have read books. I have forgiven. I have done accupuncture. Haha. I have developed love for myself. I have embraced myself as I fall asleep with a rice bag.
I love myself, no matter what happens.
The thing about high schoolers, is that they are in a cyclone. These emotional states. I cried in the dentist chair. It made me think about how asking a teenager to focus on a lesson about French while they are going through a breakup is not gonna happen. Well, it used to happen to me a lot more. But now it happens occasionally. No they are not my friends, but somehow I get drawn into their cyclones. As joyous as they can be (like with Nora). So whatever that girl was going on about during lunch. What you must remember is that they are onto the next thing two seconds later.
The truth is, that I am leaving this place, and I have taken an action which propels me toward my future. As Kaypacha said, it is all about the future now. The wide horizon. So even if rumblings of something reach someone's ears, we all know that such a rumor is easily dismissed and the waves of change are about to land on shore. In 32 days. In 32 days. In 32 days. In 32 days.
