hey pretty lady

Hey there. I will try to catch you up on everything.

Those little feelings I was having in January, about this little job and maybe feeling not challenged or growing here... well they created an atmosphere where an opportunity was able to land in my lap. I can't believe it but... I am going to take it and will be moving to new Milford CT this summer. Just an hour away from here but, yeah... it's another world there. The universe hear my itching under my feet. 

Lately I am worrying in advance about my new job. I was guided to make the decision to take the job. But I am starting to feel bittersweet about having Saturday classes (!) -- even though they aren't all academic, that my weekends aren't completely mine... and of course, leaving my beautiful apartment. But I must remember that I once felt that way about my apartment in Hadley. 

But... I can still do Friday night open gym, and potentially even play on a Wednesday league team during the spring. But playing with my team lately I can't believe that such a competitive, cool league exists in Poughkeepsie. but I also have my ENTIRE summers free, so I can def play grass vball during the summer as well. 

And I will be making 12k more $$ than I do now. That's a lot, right? That gives me a lot of freedom to spend my summers how I want to. I have to remember that this job will put me more on my intended trajectory -- that I will be a seasoned, experienced teacher fully engaged in my process, competent in TPRS/CI methodology, which will lend itself to either continued growth at Canterbury, eventual PhD studies in 2nd language acquisition (which C'bury subsidizes), or eventual work at a private day school. Whatever I do, this is a good step for me. Even if it's a horribly conservative/Catholic experience, I can leave it and move on. But I know that I am going to grow there whatever happens. 

I need help with my feelings of jealousy and hatred toward my colleague. I have therapy this week and hopefully we can work on this and my feelings of anxiety. Doing a lot of napping lately. Like, as soon as I sit on the couch I wanna fall asleep. Even to a 2 Dope Queens podcast.  So there's that. I decreased my dosage of lexapro cuz I don't wanna be a zombie.

Lemonade was very beautiful. But disappeared from online and now I wanna watch more. That publicity genius Beyonce. Hold up, she don't love you like I love you. ..... I ain't sorry.... I ain't sorry...

April

Angel day 4/4... square root day...

Ooh I got a surprise last breath of winter, some needed introspection. I was able to go deep inside, to take a nap on my couch and lose track of time. I like how I have arrived at this place where I understand my environment, know the landscape, and can adjust to the rhythm/ live my life.

I can't talk long. I have to take a shower.

I have been planning a few things for this summer and I  know that they will manifest. It will start with a fun few days in Northampton with Deb seeing old friends.. then 3 weeks before an AP seminar at Fordham. I should go to it because I have some overachievers in AP next year. Then at the moment nothing else concrete, aside from a few long distance booty calls (an exciting discovery from island boy that we will probably hang in VA) and probably a visit to Martha's Vineyard to see my farmer. Then another trip in late August to Western MA to get my hair done before school starts :) and if there is time, a trip way up to Bar Harbor to visit Beth and stay at the yurt hotel.  But it's gonna be an awesome summer. 

Talk to u soon.

scary

Hello, 

kind of chill week at school with juniors gone. My anxiety was ramped up for a few reasons. I am so far from that tropical paradise mentality.

I am on this independent school placement agency website, like Tinder for teaching jobs, and usually quite passive about looking for jobs... but this preppy rich school in CT emailed me. that lead to a phone conversation... which will lead to an in-person meeting next Friday. The money is seductive. And they have a 3 week March vacation, which would mean a longer stay on St. John for me :) And they finish June 3. BUT.... i must coach 2 sports vs 1 here. So I am going to let them woo me, but to not worry myself and ask myself these existential questions, I will just tell myself that this is for practice for me. That I will probably be here next year, but, there is an openness of where things could lead. 

This week was also challenging because I found myself in an insecure place regarding my island fling. The familiar putting him on a pedestal, being both distant and awkward in my interactions with him, not being authentic,  having a sabotage mentality, regretting, 2nd guessing, etc. Waiting 11 days to respond to his text with some weird emojis and like a half-hearted reply. So maybe I will still see my island boy in VA this summer, but more likely he is just some booty I can get again next year. The lesson is that I want to speak my truth, be more comfortable with vulnerability, not let something take on a life of its own in my head.

And then I will turn around and have so much "game" with other people, like this wave of extreme confidence comes over me, I say what I want, make myself "vulnerable" to rejection, with no fear of how it is received. Everyone knows that's the sexiest thing, and you can't fake it through dumb games or calculations. 

Mole Mole mexican food w Mike last night, what a great pal! TTYS