somewhere

I can feel peaceful. No one wants anything of me at the moment. The 3-day meetings are over, I have a week to get myself in order for school starting. 

"I can feel peaceful".... an odd way of phrasing that. I think thats what Anxiety is. You never are letting yourself full relax. Because you "have so much to do". But in that is a subliminal  "you don't deserve to enjoy this moment". I can feel peaceful. Like we need a permission slip. 

Instead of enjoying the evening hours with phone calls to friends, laughing. breathing deeply to my Yoga Nidra online class.

At meetings, feel this nervousness before i speak. And then think for days about what I said, and how I didn't say it well. How I misused that precious time where I could have been establishing my good reputation. In stead it will be delayed.

Ridic. That will be the death bed anthem. "what were they thinking of me"... NOT

In this moment. My dog is sleeping angelically on my bed. His legs are straightened, like a human sleeping on his back/side. He is tired from a great walk at Vassar and car ride. Then some snacks, rotisserie chicken I got at Adams. It is absolute heaven being with him. It is hard to fully express how I feel that he is a gift in my life. How he just makes me feel instant joy, love, as I tap into his consciousness. Eating, exercise, resting, and unconditional love. Every day. It is alarming though, because I have to recognize that I love him more than any man right now. Perhaps I could free up a little more space there in my heart for a real man to walk into? Because all that heart is filled up with love for Nico.

I visited Rem in MA and felt the same familiar feelings. He is "struggling" because he doesn't want to live with roommates, or sign a lease, and so he was looking on Craigslist etc. When we passed by my old apartment (our old apartment), I mentioned how I didn't think it was rented. Then he thought "oh maybe I can call barry...". He did, but got no response. It makes me think.... a few things.... Where to begin.

I feel slightly outraged because Rem benefitted for so long from my "good bounty" or whatever. From my good vibes in the community. We lived in a sweet apartment, quiet,  convenient, and it was all due to ME having a great apartment, and a great relationship to the landlord. Not to mention.... I guess I've shut the door to that chapter of my life. MOVING, it's very symbolic. You leave where you once lived. It's an unconscious decision to "go elsewhere". I don't feel that there is an option to go back. Not even to visit. That would be too weird. Too much. 

Rem thinks that it is plausible that we will get back together. This is turning into the longest, most confusing and cyclical breakup I've ever experienced.  It is like I need to break up with him again. Why he has this hope? I must be vaguely encouraging it. By not energetically disconnecting with him. As Debrae said, I need to do energy work on my own body and visualize these old connections being gently cut. So that my heart can gear up to love again. 

Sorry if this is boring to hear. I'm just tired of singing the same song to myself. And when I think of going out with whoever new guy, I am tired of feeling this "guilty" feeling, like I am abandoning Rem. I have to remember. When I was ready to commit to a relationship with him on a matrimonial level, he rejected that. It was during that process where I saw his truest colors. Unable to make decisions, unable to look holistically toward the future (aside from what he will eat at his next meal).... and then as I grew into a stronger, happier person, I also saw the thing in him which ultimately made me leave.  His absense of a positive "can do" attitude. In fact, he has a "Can't do" attitude, no optimism, no trust in universe.... and despite so much of the good work he is doing on himself, I truly believe that it is at the core of who he is. I can love him for who he is but I can choose to not spend my life with him as his partner. 

My impulse is ALWAYS to help him. I am realizing something. When you continually step in to help someone, you are actually interfering with the universe. You are getting in their way. As Danielle says. So in the long run you aren't helping them.  For me, this reinforced the dynamic between us. I always have the positive ideas. I have the connections. All he has to do is get on the surfboard. But so often, he doesn't. He can't. He's not ready. He has too much else on his mind. And the next wave I'm still there offering him the surfboard. Instead of getting on my own surfboard, riding the wave into the sunset with my next babelicious boyfriend. 

more l8er. Bonne nuit

Jen was saying the other day how she feels like she feels like more of a " grown woman" than ever. Possibly related to her birthday phone call with a psychic where a past life was released.

raw until 4

 I watched this girl tell me about how for breakfast she has a date/banana smoothie with water and some cinnamon. Kind of.... gross? All those calorie-rich foods, but like no real protein? Anyway. I totally understand how it's not really considered a diet, but rather a "lifestyle". Gotcha.

First day of school. Well no, just meetings. Felt puzzlingly happy and positive. 

A preoccupation of late has been my health.... this weird bladder problem, I had to get catheterized and talk to a urologist. After self-diagnosing for a while and ordering so many supplements, I feel like back to normal. During the scare I thought of how my diet is often too full of sugar, dairy.... eating at irregular times. Not to mention the underlying anxiety through it all. And acne.  And anxiety. How I wanted to establish a regular meditation practice. 

I do think that food heals us. 

Curiously my department chair not wearing his wedding ring today? Might my dreams be coming true? 

Today I felt so confident, I spoke up during faculty meeting. My voice was shaking as always but I said something.... I thought about how the faculty who were staring into space disengaged, so cynical, critical, fucking brainless.  I'm looking at you. 

I planted the seed during Meeting 4 worship that I want to be a competent teacher this year, a joyous presence to be around, appreciated by students and colleagues. Known as competent, caring, an original.  I want to have a great year, to not let the stress of my job overcome my life. I want to live a balanced existence, happy, only attracting other happy people to me. 

Food will certainly help me in my quest to do this. To treat food as medicine. Not abuse sugar to where I am cranky and prone to illness. Self-critical, anxious, unconfident. TO take pleasure in eating and cooking. 

I still am in shock with my behavior last year. It is in the past. I want so much better for myself. I was lonely, whatever.  I am going to move on.  Now seeking emotional intimacy in adult relationships. 

OMG. Just finished Breaking Bad. Wow. Wanna do it all again. Because they really don't speak loud on that show. I was always like "what did she just say". 

Visited Rem in MA last weekend. "Why" is the essential question on everyone's mind. 

To be continued.

august

 they say August is like one long sunday night if you are a teacher.

so much to try to tell you. 

At the moment i have a health problem. So much mind-body about that stuff.  I have a mysterious increased frequency in my urinary needs. To the point that it wakes me up at night. But without the classic bacterial symptoms. So, hello urologist! The women on the phone today told me, "well, maybe this is just new for you... something you will have to adjust to". I said "I'm 32!" I have that frantic need to be heard and seen by a medical professional. Somehow feeling "heard" never quite happens in western medicine. Like they have their own script playing over my speech. As I express my experience to them. Appointment not for another 10 days, so who knows, maybe it will clear up.... Inshallah

A feeling of having access to my higher Self lately. When u feel that way, you feel as though you have access to others' higher Selves.

My big plan to "write" tonight has been sabotaged by drinking 1 beer and dancing to Juicy J in my apartment. Also a bladder problem. 

Some ppl's 'bucket lists" are very like inspired and wholesome. My bucket list seems to hold things that are potentially dangerous, or are they? Like I would like to sniff cocaine and go dancing and connect over the drug with a friend. Like so that I can tell my child that Mommy lived before he was born. Also to experience it. 

ON my bucket list is NOT doing acid or anything else psychadelic, except maybe mushrooms. 

New young man at the health food store, named "Max". Cute, awkward, nerdy, and interesting. Probably 22 or thereabouts.... romancing younger men is no longer on my bucket list, but I do have love for the young men. 

 Something problematic is that I haven't had sex in a while nor do I seem to want to? Just all that undressing/redressing. 

Just wrote a pointless paragraph on body image. Yes, it's fucked up, no woman loves her body completely. Talk about the mind-body connection. This feeling of "What's wrong with my body?".... comes up in the bedroom and in the doctor's office. And in the every-fucking-moment. 

Hope to talk to u again soon. XO