cou-cou.
just got back from yoga, the wednesday 9 am class full of people who clearly have no where to be at 9 am. It was uncomfortably packed. I could not hide my discomfort with people so close to me. Margaret comes up to me and "what can I do to make this easier for you?" oh boy.
I got into the groove and got my namaste on.
this week, taking space from frank. last week he scared me. the journey to intimacy. 'is this safe'. Trying to get into a happy funk and enjoy spending time w him without serious life consequences. i.e. 'is he the right one' 'does he love me'.
I see bright things coming up on the highway. i feel like building up the momentum to where I can feel totally ready and worthy for the nice positions I will find myself in.
ok ok ok okok. sorry, I feel a bit distracted to write this. x o more l8er
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
FV
A quick hello.
Feeling on the verge of tears this morning.
Loneliness/ vulnerability / aloneness
Week of darkness. my relationship recently covered by dark clouds and premonitions.
communication mishaps/ demands of western capitalism/ limited time and patience
both of us withdrawing, feeling fear, darkness ahead.
my poem scared him, he spends the next day AWOL, in bed, away from me.
Finally we speak on the phone. he says he has hit the panic button. i go over.
I'm readying myself to be broken up with. I guess this is what people do, at the 4-month mark.
Is it supposed to be 'work' at this point?
We both want a thing that is real, honest.
I honestly
can't
take
this
much
more.
the "it's over" talk.
Will that talk every happen. Will it happen in 3 weeks or 3 years.
People so slither through our fingers. And us through theirs.
We just barely begin to take shape in one another's eyes. Like a dream hard to recall, we see them. Then they are gone.
Him: kind, thoughtful, generous
Him: rash, brusque, solitary
we can only be the person who we are at a particular moment
me: messy apartment, smelly dog, smelly car, sweaty armpits, messy hair
messy career, unused talents, quiet ambitions. heart of gold, crying at drop of hat.
the essential thing: why the tears? sense of impending loss? Or do the tears reflect the released tension of knowing the truth. Why continue if the tears flow now? Is this love or something?
teardrop.
Feeling on the verge of tears this morning.
Loneliness/ vulnerability / aloneness
Week of darkness. my relationship recently covered by dark clouds and premonitions.
communication mishaps/ demands of western capitalism/ limited time and patience
both of us withdrawing, feeling fear, darkness ahead.
my poem scared him, he spends the next day AWOL, in bed, away from me.
Finally we speak on the phone. he says he has hit the panic button. i go over.
I'm readying myself to be broken up with. I guess this is what people do, at the 4-month mark.
Is it supposed to be 'work' at this point?
We both want a thing that is real, honest.
I honestly
can't
take
this
much
more.
the "it's over" talk.
Will that talk every happen. Will it happen in 3 weeks or 3 years.
People so slither through our fingers. And us through theirs.
We just barely begin to take shape in one another's eyes. Like a dream hard to recall, we see them. Then they are gone.
Him: kind, thoughtful, generous
Him: rash, brusque, solitary
we can only be the person who we are at a particular moment
me: messy apartment, smelly dog, smelly car, sweaty armpits, messy hair
messy career, unused talents, quiet ambitions. heart of gold, crying at drop of hat.
the essential thing: why the tears? sense of impending loss? Or do the tears reflect the released tension of knowing the truth. Why continue if the tears flow now? Is this love or something?
teardrop.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
zucch
i made today a zucchini bread with all good stuff in it. i.e. pecans. dark chocolate chunks. orange zest. some lemon zest. unsweetened applesauce. greek yogurt. final touch, strawberries on the top so that they bake in.
I gave some to FV, who will eat it at the appropriate time like a good french person.
Then there is me, so had a piece earlier as a 'gouter'. Then after my dinner of half a burrito I somehow decide that it is still time for dessert. a piece of my cake + yogurt + nutella yum. Then it got out of hand to the point of eating a hershey's bunny and TJ's ginger snaps. woah. Cool it girl. you're in the menstrual phase now, clean out, detox. fri + sat
Trying to process this weekend. rem came, noncommunicates to me, then emits a rare emotional beam. "as much as I try not to care, it pains me to imagine u with some1 else." ah ah ah. there it is. rare emotional conversation today. I tell him that he has what he wanted. "we all get what we want, in the end" i say in a moment of wisdom. what he wanted was to reject love + positivity, to be alone, to not be bothered, to be able to be miserable alone. And he has it now. and miserable he is. alone he is. and that his ex has moved on to another man is the killer truth. I say that our sex life sucked because something was very wrong with us for so long. I ask him if he think it was fun putting my life on hold for him while he made no gesture of commitment to me. if he thinks that was a turn-on. he says that he wanted to be with me but didn't want to marry me. so he got something cool out of that deal. we say this smoking at the top of my stairs. like we used to. like we used to. It felt like breaking up again. it always feels like the right thing. I say that that was selfish of him. He say that he is a selfish person. I don't disagree. I bear some of the blame, but not all.
I have sadness for him. When we come inside he makes a few looks at me like he wants to make love. Surprising. This is just why I don't want him over like this. He is so lonely and horny in NYC, I think he can tend to overglamourize what we had, and overnostalgia. I tell him. "You didn't want this."
He wants me to push him onto the bed, and I would wrap my legs around him. He used to say "Ah, ca y est? C'est maintenant?" and yes, it was now, when it was then.
As he leaves he kisses me on the cheek like he did on an autumn night in 2009. I took him to the bus stop, as it was his first time. He gave me a cheek kiss that felt special, like his lips lingered. He got on the bus. It was the beginning.
We are at the 4 month mark with FV. I have an insecure feeling that is unfamiliar. Well it's because he has a brain + a heart and some sort of communication throughout his organism. I wanted a man who could take decisions in hand. Now I have one and the 1 decision I fear is the decision to discontinue the relationship. He may feel it. I may feel it. Lightning may strike, and that will be it. No 4-year purgatory gonna happen here. Those abrupt ends look so much crueler than the 4.5 year mutual complacency pact.
Now, I sense the panic creeping in. The i-like-you-dont-make-a-fool-outta-me panic. After we make love my eyes are like glued to him, searching his face for something like "you are the most amazing woman i've ever been with, and I never want this to end." Then maybe I could relax. Can anyone ever relax? Maybe it will be a cruel lesson that it's only in the 1st 6 months can you relax. Because it is so easy to dissassemble something so new. To be appreciated only way after the fact. I give all of my love, because I suppose that is the model I was shown. I chop up my strawberries and zest my oranges and it is for him. I sit on his lap and kiss his lips and it is for him. After years of feminist studies I am ready to serve my man conjugally and gastronomically and all the rest.
All said, this is the one dude I will wake up on a Sunday morning next to and decide to sneak out and go home. Because je veux pas qu'il se fatigue de moi. Such precise measurements. let him sleep, read, do his paper, u will see him later, and your breath won't smell as bad. La, I won't see him until Wednesday soir! Ouf. I think this is love. Breathe. Take such space and time makes the impending jump that much more attractive. we are busy feeding our own spheres. Sometime I am busy feeding my own mouth, because all this brings me some anxiety. Oy.
x
o
x
o
I gave some to FV, who will eat it at the appropriate time like a good french person.
Then there is me, so had a piece earlier as a 'gouter'. Then after my dinner of half a burrito I somehow decide that it is still time for dessert. a piece of my cake + yogurt + nutella yum. Then it got out of hand to the point of eating a hershey's bunny and TJ's ginger snaps. woah. Cool it girl. you're in the menstrual phase now, clean out, detox. fri + sat
Trying to process this weekend. rem came, noncommunicates to me, then emits a rare emotional beam. "as much as I try not to care, it pains me to imagine u with some1 else." ah ah ah. there it is. rare emotional conversation today. I tell him that he has what he wanted. "we all get what we want, in the end" i say in a moment of wisdom. what he wanted was to reject love + positivity, to be alone, to not be bothered, to be able to be miserable alone. And he has it now. and miserable he is. alone he is. and that his ex has moved on to another man is the killer truth. I say that our sex life sucked because something was very wrong with us for so long. I ask him if he think it was fun putting my life on hold for him while he made no gesture of commitment to me. if he thinks that was a turn-on. he says that he wanted to be with me but didn't want to marry me. so he got something cool out of that deal. we say this smoking at the top of my stairs. like we used to. like we used to. It felt like breaking up again. it always feels like the right thing. I say that that was selfish of him. He say that he is a selfish person. I don't disagree. I bear some of the blame, but not all.
I have sadness for him. When we come inside he makes a few looks at me like he wants to make love. Surprising. This is just why I don't want him over like this. He is so lonely and horny in NYC, I think he can tend to overglamourize what we had, and overnostalgia. I tell him. "You didn't want this."
He wants me to push him onto the bed, and I would wrap my legs around him. He used to say "Ah, ca y est? C'est maintenant?" and yes, it was now, when it was then.
As he leaves he kisses me on the cheek like he did on an autumn night in 2009. I took him to the bus stop, as it was his first time. He gave me a cheek kiss that felt special, like his lips lingered. He got on the bus. It was the beginning.
We are at the 4 month mark with FV. I have an insecure feeling that is unfamiliar. Well it's because he has a brain + a heart and some sort of communication throughout his organism. I wanted a man who could take decisions in hand. Now I have one and the 1 decision I fear is the decision to discontinue the relationship. He may feel it. I may feel it. Lightning may strike, and that will be it. No 4-year purgatory gonna happen here. Those abrupt ends look so much crueler than the 4.5 year mutual complacency pact.
Now, I sense the panic creeping in. The i-like-you-dont-make-a-fool-outta-me panic. After we make love my eyes are like glued to him, searching his face for something like "you are the most amazing woman i've ever been with, and I never want this to end." Then maybe I could relax. Can anyone ever relax? Maybe it will be a cruel lesson that it's only in the 1st 6 months can you relax. Because it is so easy to dissassemble something so new. To be appreciated only way after the fact. I give all of my love, because I suppose that is the model I was shown. I chop up my strawberries and zest my oranges and it is for him. I sit on his lap and kiss his lips and it is for him. After years of feminist studies I am ready to serve my man conjugally and gastronomically and all the rest.
All said, this is the one dude I will wake up on a Sunday morning next to and decide to sneak out and go home. Because je veux pas qu'il se fatigue de moi. Such precise measurements. let him sleep, read, do his paper, u will see him later, and your breath won't smell as bad. La, I won't see him until Wednesday soir! Ouf. I think this is love. Breathe. Take such space and time makes the impending jump that much more attractive. we are busy feeding our own spheres. Sometime I am busy feeding my own mouth, because all this brings me some anxiety. Oy.
x
o
x
o
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