hey. So mark + I have went on a few dates, had a few kisses. He notably seemed more into kissing than I was, even made a reference how he felt turned on or whatever. I knew the harsh truth-- I didn't feel the same physical attraction. It's what i've been looking for. But isn't there a degree of 'lets try this...." maybe my feelings will change. Last night I saw him and I know again that he doesn't spark my flame so to speak. So I can stop driving to New Paltz to see him just to make sure it's not there. I think I can tend to romanticize these older guys and put more confidence in things working out, when I'm really just not interested in the person.
I derive no joy out of saying "I'm not interested", but maybe I should. More finite, it avoids the months-on-end asking me out casually where I always have something to do that night. There is a guy from literally May. Still saying "hey, wanna grab dinner and martinis?"
OK. so there is something else. This summer, I got stronger. I led a 3-week camp with teenagers. I was the boss, the authority, while still enjoying a warm and loving rapport with my students and colleagues. I was determined to put last year behind me. The tristan episode, my constant feeling of blurred boundaries, my poor choices, my feeling of incompetence, instead of using my negative feelings to change my behavior.
Friday: a typical Oakwood day. There was a series of very mild boundary issues. Hall asking me about vegetarianism, Gilly came and shut the door behind Hall, making me very uncomfortable, as if we needed to be alone. Hall left. Then Ben comes in and closes the door behind him. I ask him why he did that and he has no real reason. He just wants to talk about nothing with me. He is 15. We do some talking, gossiping, nothing bad in itself. At some point I open the door and remember that the Dean has class in the next classroom, able to observe that I was with a student behind closed doors. Then ben doesn't do his HW for my class the next period, just wanting to chit chat. There is that same tristan-esque vibe where I feel that a quasi-friendship forged outside of class makes it impossible for me to be an effective teacher to him. I also have my own work to do, and I am frustrated in my own lack of boundaries, to be able to say "I need to prep now. Please leave unless you have an urgent question, or see me during study time"
What I will do, is come to work on Monday with a renewed sense of my values, with a commitment to change any behavior which doesn't resonate with my values and professional goals.
When I suffer, it's that I will take a bad behavioral choice (i.e. talking too freely to Ben, gossiping), and then harp on it all afternoon. How that choice obviously makes me a fraud, a bad teacher who will soon be found out, how I may as well just look for other careers because I am clearly not fit for teaching. ALL of that buzz in my ears is false. It's an inference created by my mind, and guiding me to continue the bad behavior to sort of prove that my low self-esteem is valid.
This summer, I chose not to respond to text msgs or reach outs from TF. His presence in my life does not serve me or elevate me to a higher level in my life journey. So I just did not speak to him. Felt right.
I have the choice everyday to echo my values through my behavior. Where I feel uncomfortable, is the dissonance of behavior vs. values. Does not feel good already, and losing my job for example would only bring that feeling a tad deeper. I'm already suffering in my own conscience, therefore I can actuate change and not rush to judgment or self-damnation.
