this iz hard.
at my parents' for labor day. day of rest. day of silence. day of 6 cats + 2 dogs under 1 roof. plus mucho TV.
Just spoke w rem on phone. . . . aye yie yie.
he is not doing well.
I listened, provided steady speech patterns of support. Boy I could not muster up that compassion if we were still together. He is so alone - not knowing how to be kind or gentle to himself - at this moment I can smell him like feeling wistful for 'what we had'.
The sad truth is that . . . he let it go, via his behavior. I saw the depths of him, and it was terrifying. Not sustainable in the long run. I had a nurse impulse toward him in the beginning - I will save you, fix your life, my parents will too. and then like... he didn't take the bait. There was a time when I was willing to flatten myself for him - like make myself a carpet to your future life. Marry me, etc.
I had suggested coming up to brewster to see my family this weekend.
Then hearing him on the phone it occured to me that it would be unnecessary pain for him who is in an emotionally vulnerable place. In desperate times the self-protective impulse malfunctions.
When he broke his ankle, I saw so clearly how he like can't go to the source of his pain. So he goes hiking, biking, skating, all these attempts to get his heart rate up to skirt around the issue. I would suggest therapy. He would go "my therapy is hiking" or whatever. Like a foolish zealot for the caveman way of life.
He was paralyzed in his life. For 8 weeks, in a literal sense. In that time, he moved out finally, accused me of hitting him while he was down, so to speak. He couldn't see from my perspective that my patience, florence nightingaleism was stretched to the extreme. I had adopted the dog in February 2011, as like a last ditch proclamation of "This is my life." He pouted and argued, and I was like "then why do u still fucking live here" basically. That source of joy. Putting down roots. In the ground, in each other. 4 + years, he put no roots into me. I was done. Empty. This was not love. I had not made that famous vow 'in sickness + health" in fact, he had explicitly not chosen that go figure. Guess what. co-existing with you for 4 years does not give you like any sway on my life + desires + decision merely by virtue of being there when I wake up in the morning. Being "my boyfriend". You know it really annoyed me when you saw a dude checking me out, you would obnoxiously like put your arm around me, I assume to signal that I was yours. I feel sorry for you that you couldn't really ever seal the deal. With no action, we expired. Expiration date. It was fresh, but it's like buying a green plant at Walmart + not watering it. . . . . .Not likening myself to Walmart, but whatever, u know whatta mean.
So much else going on. Keiser and Julie and Ruven & etc. etc. I'll tell ya soon.
it's like, these two realities. Yea, like U said in your blog. You never know how the juxtaposition will matter in the future. Next to this committed to nothing summer, I'm feeling super sexual, yet embracing the limited nature of where I am at. Forgiving myself. Allowing me a breather. I can sleep with ppl and explore, enjoy my sexual identity (finally liberated at age 29) and shame free since 2011. And yet there are shadows. There was that long relationship that didn't work it. For reasons clear to me. But some sheer emotionality creeps in. On his behalf, he feel like he is losing everything he like possessed here in the USa. Remembers the cats, nico, me... the fights over dishes and taking out the garbage. It was home. Until it wasn't. We had a choice. I moved on. he made no choice, which is a choice. The subsequent way it played out is a consequence. Life is full of that kindof stuff. Cause and effect.
x o
