For a few weeks now my voice has felt very shaky.
After the july 4th event (Did I tell you?).... I'm feeling so great about the result of that conversation. "Tell him boy, bye"
======== a few weeks later...
Summer vacation is flying by but tonight I really feel the need to come home to Poughkeepsie and kind of fall apart.
Feel like I am going through a series of disappointments recently..
My conference in Tennessee was in some ways so painful. I am an introverted teacher. It's not easy for me to jump in to teacherhood non-stop. At 7 am the teachers are like non stop talking to each other. Why do they have to speak so much? Because I needed all that energy for my workshops and what not, I wasn't feeling very social.
And alex started being distant that week, and then I found out why. And now I am at my parents house watching Portlandia eating ice cream and trying not to imagine him boning someone else. All while not being boned myself. So devastating yes, and also sad that my beach vacation was kind of cancelled due to all that. Debating whether to go to Long Island tomorrow. I probably will stay home and watch the Ab Fab movie with my mom.
This summer has definitely been rough. Hoping that my island lover will help me end the summer on a positive note at the end of August. But already, a Fire Island camp trip with girlfriends should help. And this week I've committed to reading a 300 page book... and taking it easy... doing some shopping and eating, and planning my next getaways.
What helps is remembering that he wasn't the perfect match for me. But I came to love him. But yeah, the passiveness, the messy house, the stuff he needs to work on in therapy, the unstable career, the taking forever to ejaculate. The never having an opinion on where to eat. Gah. So, it's probably for the best.
Chris taught me that I want to be emotionally supported and cared for in my relationship. Alex taught me that monogamy, clear boundaries, sharing common goals, are things I will value in my next relationship. I also learned that this whole art-school grad faux-progressive "open" mentality is very likely to hurt someone, (me), if only by a little bad timing. Why mess with the heart?
"The sad thing is, we're better off this way"
Friday gonna go up to the Berkshires to see an old friend Paul, spend a little time up there, then head to Debs in Amherst for the emotional nourishment of female friendship. Blessed.
Sometimes in the summer I have this feeling of "Gotta travel/do stuff" and sometimes I do just need to sit still. And be bored for a few days. And not put a bra on all day.
Ok. I'm gonna go watch some Portlandia now.
