action de grace

i remember when we used to 

I remember playing the Carmen fantasie for senior citizens, some sort of Culture Club.

again the pretty ladies are all alone tonight. 

Will kim K age gracefully? that weird video makes me think that they really love each other, but are also so narcissistic, each of them.

Hiked for a good hour at Amethyst with nico, and then I had a tummy ache. Is anyone reading this? Because u can look away for this paragraph. Drastic times call for drastic measures. 

my parents are in the midst of a feral cat rescue. My mom thinks she is saving those street cats from Queens by bringing them up to westchester where they have human values thrust upon them; regular food and a roof over their head, and quiet at night. It has come between my parents and I understand why.  

you are better off without him

that is what everybody says. They tell you you dodged a bullet. If the all-punk only-punk CD collection (CDs!) didn't tell you what you needed to know I can't help you. Well, it's over, and there is always an infuriating quality in the air. You want them to KNOW it's them, not you. You want them to KNOW that they will be single forever or with an inflatable doll only. Cuz they are terrified of intimacy, with a real person, with thornes in their side and big bushes. Those imperfect, terrifying  living beings with full hearts. 

You knew everything you needed to know. But you were patient. You protected his ego. When you sat next to him at the comedy show you hated the way he laughed. you said nothing. You wanted him to have a good birthday, so you fucked him in a public hot tub. When you said u were too hot and put back on your bikini you weren't too hot. You felt nasty. At this guy who is not receptive to you. Who doesn't adore your little quirks or memorize your nervous ticks. He is too nervous. Can't take the control away from keeping up the facade of this guy who has everything together. He's solid, responsible, knows what he wants in life. Adventurous, punk rock you might say. If u believed for a goddamn second the surface he shows the world. 

Yet it's you in the end who he has to race to the finish line. It's to you he has to announce that your dog can't sleep in his bed, then he has to vaccuum the next day, it's to you he announces "it's just not working for me" with that grimace he makes, wistful, wants you to look everywhere but on the inside of him. The love wasn't there, quoi. Maybe if it were someone else. Who knows. It couldn't have been someone else.  You are the bullet I am dodging yet again. It's to you who he announces "je me suis retracte...depuis une semaine..." Fuck. This. Guy. 

I was in the show after my blue day-- Monday-- and I thought, wouldn't it be cool if I can expediate all this shit and just be over it, NOW, there is nothing graceful about an extended mourning period over an ex with whom it didn't work once, then a stupid dating phase which also bombed... Ok, graceful perhaps, but unnecessary. I tried to hold onto those little snippets of myself which feel that you know, I am worthy of an emotionally vulnerable guy. Who really tries to open himself. Otherwise it's all facade. All of those zebra print towels and vegetable cutting boards and makeup cases as gifts,it's all the surface. Because he can't for a second actually LOOK at the person I am. C'est toi qui aime le zebre. Not me. But that would have required you to look deep inside me, which would endanger you to be really seen, deeply, for who you are, beyond the zebra and polka dots and ramones paraphernalia. All his generosity of paying for meals and movie tickets and whatever doesn't hold a candle flame to the real emotional investment people make when they fall in love. They risk everything. Their hearts are open. It's the biggest wager u make in your life, and the most rewarding... 

I know for sure that I am worthy of that and I can somehow see it coming to me. Because these experiences have ignited this openness. I don't wanna be 42 and glooming around my 1 bedroom apartment with immaculate decor. Voila quoi. 

No more BS

I wish i had curly hair like this curly haired girl. 

My antidepressants are making me depressed...

Ry called, we spoke about how the G o T violence toward the body is really 

gone too far. Then he had to go make a delivery so we said we'll talk later. 

Evening with Michael, inspiring... he tells me that a book could be made 

about it all. Could i??? 

i want someone to change my password.... so that i can't go on the dreaded 

social network..

Should we put the baby before the bathwater? Or the baby before the 

babycarriage? 

Remember how I wanted rem to buy a bed with me, to get a bigger apartment, 

to start dreaming of owning a house. He would dismiss all of those yearnings 

toward something better, because he was not in a position to starting 

thinking of that. i.e. had no money. 

But isn't that how we get places we want to be? 

Before there are the toys and the jungle gym and the garden in the side yard 

there is an implausible peek in the newpaper just to dream. 

It is like when I realized I wanted to live alone I kind of dismissed the 

idea to myself, and then i started opening the pathway for it to come. And 

come it did. 

And I feel like in a way I never want to leave where I live. 

But how can i say that? 31, unattached... to any job or kids or anyone. N o 

one is my anchor is the truth. 

==============================

June 17 2013. 

Sunday. Deb will possibly talk to Sarah tomorrow about quitting. At least 

not going along with her new employee structure. Deb said "I'll wait until 

Monday -- I don't know why but I'll wait until then."

Sunday. Jen texts me while Im  at Dorin's gettin my hair super blonded. 

"serious shit is going down."

By the end of the week, she will decide if she will abandon physical therapy 

school for good, to go back to massage and things that she wants. if she is 

trying to be something she is not. 

She will decide by the end of this week. 

She will also begin to grieve the sudden move of Andy to back to his home 

town. 

I have this week alone to go to FASRI, sign a contract, and tell APC that I 

will transfer to Providence. 

In one week.

This is a big week. the stars are telling us. 

Last ight, date with "Jamie Hogan". 

He had bought me + julie a drink at NBC. Then came up to talk to us. Yada 

yada. To be done with it I gave him my number, even though I didn't like how 

he touched my shoulder for a few seconds too long. He texted me + we made a 

plan to have dinner. Etc. at fresh side. 

idrank ginger vodka lemonade and tons of yummy oodles of noodles. Then we 

went to amco, had some bourbon, i drove home and was asleep in 2 seconds. 

I think I have... gasp, screen fatigue. 

I didn't like the dude. He left me with so little impression. He is 44 with 

2 twenty something daughters. WOW. that is different from 42 years old Frank 

dressing in punk clothes and at punk shows. 

He admired my hands and held them. Stop. But thanks for dinner. 

I was lucky that he didn't try to kiss me. 

I am  tired of dancing this dance. Playing the game. Listening and nodding. 

The requisite "thank you" text and being too busy to hang out again. 

Boundary boundary boundary. 

Aaron: he tried to do the dance with me. I always had to get up early the 

next morning. I always had other plans but let me take a rain check on that 

bottle of wine and you in that apartment before your roommate comes back. 

(remember that text!). 

Then he stopped responding to my texts, presumably because it wasn't easy 

enough to sleep with me?... and I am left of the memory of his blatant 

attempt to get me HAMMERED on gin + tonic at his apartment, while I 

recovered in his bed he drunkenly cuddled me. How does it feel to be a guy 

and want pussy so bad that you are happy to get drunk pussy. That is how the 

world works, I guess, and men are dogs. The essential conclusion. the sexual 

drive is so brutal that they fight for scraps.  

Where I feel mad and wronged is that I wronged myself. I wasn't interested 

in him!!!!! Wah wah. So what is my problem with boundaries. Why am I so shy 

to reject guys, to not return their calls. 

Guess what, I am fucking allowed to be selective. With my time. With who can 

get my rocks off. Lately I have not been very  selective. Aaron can right 

after I barf everything up into his bathroom. Disgusting. I was drunk, but I 

think I opened a box in his bathroom and in it were condoms for his skinny 

bone.

Now he is trolling around town in preppy clothes, trolling for pussy... 

trolling for his 'unbearable lightness of being' type of chick. Why is he 

invoking such wrath in me? This skinny bookish classical saxophone player! I 

think it is because he is so everything I hate about masculinity at this 

moment. These dudes who think they are god's gift to women, so they will 

spend their bachelor years collecting pussy after pussy. Until *they* are 

ready to commit to one. I remmeber how he just fricking bored me to death 

while I was like "mm hmm. Oh interesting." about his stories about partying 

in Saint Tropez or on the UES with the heir to Louis Vuitton. 

I am most mad at myself. For letting him bore me. For letting him think that 

I was considering sleeping with him. For letting him think that he could 

score a girl like me. Gain some weight first please!!!

Excuse me while I....delete him # from my phone. 

The ultimate fuck you sendoff!!! haha.

Cambridge... 

katie's wedding... there I was with FV charming everyone... the way he 

speaks so confident + kind, and smart! What a class act. driving home, C 

quoi le projet immediat? on va chez moi... fumer de l'herbe... ecouter du 

Crisis, depeche mode la nouvelle... what is ensues is pure 100% hotness on 

my zebra rug. we are loving it.... What is the difference between that sex + 

the sex with Juse where I'm kinda half into it? Explain. in fact juse didn't 

finish because I was like "good night..." hahaha. I wasn't into it. But juse 

is a great guy. I think it was my mixed feelings about it all. But isn't 

frank just a sex partner? then what makes it so good, how am I able to be so 

completely into the sex with FV? I tend to think it isn't totally about 

*love* but it's about connection somehow. We kiss when he leaves... I think 

we should talk on Tuesday. Is he interested in trying to be a couple again? 

I have to say I have mixed emotions bout that. What we have is so good for 

*today* but maybe not for *demain*. Here I am reliving it. I have achieved 

awesome sex in my lifetyme. It's an achievement. I've pursued my own 

pleasure. Like Anais Nin. i remember reading her in high school about her 

escapades with women + Henry Miller and how it made me dreeeeeammmm. Now all 

is good and lovely, but I would also like a dude who wants to grow a baby 

with me and who I don't mind being around essentially 24/7. Someone who 

accepts my messy kitchen and my dog fur everywhere. I am not sure that 

person is FV, but we can wait and see. I'll ask him on Tuesday. He is 

fiercely protective of his own space and his own time. I remember that 

inflexibility when we were together. He is not the type for whom raising a 

child would come easily... especially the infant stage.  Poopy diapers... up 

all night... cranky frank... But his bank account and stable job I admit is 

an aprodisiac.... if his hot bod isn't enough of one already. Meowwwww!!!

So I will go home now. 

I'll finish my staff report for Yale.

I'll apply to EF brighton, see if I can weave some substituting or teaching 

into a residential position. It is quite rushed but  I could do this for the 

Sept return to school. I just need to pay for my apartment for Sept and have 

my dog stay with my parents :(  Were it for 1 semester only... I think my 

parents would see the value. No-risk move to boston to check out the scene. 

So I put some water on the stove. i kept thinking "it smells like something 

is burning... but i don't remember putting something on the stove." well I 

had, and it was... 

I saw  some of ruvi's Twihards. just wanted to say that. Coco + Sen passed 

me at Woodstar... they gave me a look that said "i know"... They know. 

Here I am back in the Valley. Got some good experience living at Yale this 

summer. Teaching (even though my teaching sometimes sucked)... I have to 

stop touching students on the shoulders. It's not so cute. Remember how I 

was massaging Cruz's neck once? And I completely embraced Hugo once. Like a 

fricking bear hug from behind. Not cool, guys. Then I touched Eiseke 

forgetting he was not my usual student. he was prob like "wtf"... is this 

what the american teachers do... 

Stop with the endless joking in class. As Juse says... i don't want to joke 

around all-the-time. 

The Pirate Coast

To do: return maxi dress to marshalls. 

Return shoes to Marshalls. Find other cute flats... Flats aren't really my 

thing... I have athletic legs I think that is why. 

Last night, home from dorin's, bad mood for a few reasons.... the day felt 

exhausting. Only walked 3 dogs but it took me forever... Thai had to take 

him way to puffers due to student move in... 

le marijuana mene a l'heroine. Discuss.

Don't forget:

nico's dog bowl, dog bed. 

echantillon d'hommes...

stephen harper est sexy

une femme le defie...

plusieurs jouissances

sincerement

poor white trash

la Zef?? La zep?

fais toi

jalouse et mesquienne

perdu par un poil

cote

Vient de m'acheter une classe de ELL , hybride online et en personne... with 

the goal of by next year-ish being fully certified in teaching ELL 5-12. and 

having a .... real job doing that, one day ;) Here I am, having taught at 

Yale... I do love teaching new immigrants, but the pay overall is very poor. 

In cities, companies like EF, Kaplan, pay their instructors per hour very 

part-time, no security... Necessarily they have to clump several teaching 

gigs together to make a decent  living. Like musicians. i would like to work 

a little bit, with real kids, and not work as hard as a French teacher (tee 

hee), and have summer vacation to do as I please. I guess that is what all 

these people are chasing...

Now, the universe is giving me some potential dog walking clients...Buddy 

3x/week.. Thai 5 x week, then Selur... then maybe Mina. These connections 

seem to happen spontaneously. Woman "violet" at esselon.. Deb and i working 

so well together... think about having 4-6 clients in one day for the hour 

walk. I would make a killing. Of course, there would be rough days too. I 

can still do my au pair stuff... mayybe get some more families :p

It's a scorcher

FV... I have lyme, can't walk... he asks me to go to the hot tub for his 

bday. Sounds good. Muscles are killin me. he kind of has like no game.. he 

comes onto me in the hot tub. DUH... did I not see that coming? My pussy is 

not really happy with me at the moment. he was all, kissy kissy, then like 

I'm gonna take off your bikin top, then I'm gonna untie your bikini bottoms 

(really?). and then I'm gonna go "t'es belle..." "j'ai envie de toi..." 

What is wrong with ME, mostly. 

I was like, let's not do this here... fait trop chaud. I feel like not 

comfortable, get out, like having lost my bikini bottoms (they are in the 

filter)...kinda feelin awkward... Half hour passes quickly.

We are out and go to dinner at bistro les gras. Super yummy. I'm feeling 

better. 

talk talk talk.... whatever.

Prior to this night, I was thinking, u know, I want to be with a man who 

takes care of me, when that takes on a non-sexual vibe, it's true love.. 

Making me feel good that night (I literally had spent the morning in Urgent 

care + can hardly walk down stairs...) could mean something other than 

sticking it in me... despite the crude language, and the connection that I 

do feel for him... it does feel all of a sudden as crude as that. My pussy 

is like in hiding. Making her have sex in a hot tub? It's not a good time, 

lubrification-wise... and all those exchanged liquids... all those 

hormones.. it's just not like having regular sex in a bed or wherever else. 

It sucks.  And here I am with this weird feeling that I am doing that with a 

guy who clearly is starting to take this more seriously than I am...

ro

I guess I am feeling this uncomfortable feeling. Like it was fun last 

spring, the occasional exciting hook up.. The monthly night of fantasy.. 

then this summer when I noticed he was like emailing me more often than I 

thought he would.. and then now like, the hot tub invitation... all of a 

sudden this is resembling something else. Yet he hasn't said anything 

explicitly to me. like "I've changed.." or "my feelings for you are 

changing"  so what is that about? I texted him today to get a coffee. we 

will tomorrow... today we were too cranky. And, frankly, I think that he 

owes me an explanation... just  like the way he did when he needed to 

abruptly break up with me.

He broke things off with me last year... so I had to adjust my brain to 

accept that. So I did, I was like "he's a great friend... in fact this is 

going much better than the relationship." Why did I have a sneaking 

suspicion that he would be back to try again. And yet here I am, enabling 

him to do so. Having sex outside of monogamy, like the TV show warns 

against. Here I am, taking a pregnancy test this morning at the toilet... 

hoping the red line doesn't make the cross. 

====================September 20 2013

So... the seeing each other continues, it blooms in the bedroom and bombs on 

the daily interaction level. I have this feeling that I can't relax around 

him. That it's all an act.. on both sides. I'm a stronger person now that I 

was. So I wait it out. All the while kinda expecting him to me replaquer, 

isnt that wild. It's gonna be him who freaks. I like the occasional 

companionship, and the sex. Can I draw the line there? Tell him that is all 

I like about him? It is what I felt when we were together... that he won't 

let go of his grip enough to let me see him on a deep level. So it's a 

feeling that if I reveal myself completely to him, it will only bomb. 

Because there will be an imbalance. So here I am, playing along... you know 

when I have loved him in the past? When he first wakes up in the morning and 

has to hold the clock right in front of his face because he is myopic. 

Seeing this stroke of vulnerability. Beautiful. 

September 28==============================

Quelle semaine. samedi soir. viens de me faire un petit diner de je sais pas 

quoi avec des marshmallow, et 2 cookies que j'ai fait (pas terrible..) the 

chia seeds are getting stuck in my teeth. These cookies are good for 

breakfast... hearty, not too sweet. In the past 2 days I have been to 

luncheon for Alyce with my family, then to Tarrytown for an interview at EF, 

then back home for dinner, then to the bathroom to get sick (dunno why), 

then to the reservoir this morning with my parents, then to hadley to drop 

off Nico + get my textbook. Then to marlborough largely misguided by my GPS. 

Fuck that thing. I was  half an hour late to my class. Then I felt all like 

I don't belong to those people. I get all syked about a new career, and then 

I feel like I am at an awkward faculty room staredown... everyone feels so 

mediocre. So field hockey. So jamie antonaccio. you know? Yet I am still 

intrigued as to earning this credential. A real license, a certification, 

that can get me hired someday.

des similitudes

cette postule la

autour d'elle

il y a eu...

se rajeunit

When i came back from EF IB, (why name their school that? It reminds 

everyone of Irritible Bowel) I was thinking of how it would all work out 

well... i'll start on 7 Oct, i'll work until dec 7th. maybe I'll go away to 

FR or to spain or ireland for a few days once that ends... maybe not, maybe 

I'll just pay off my CC... i was fantasizing about how this can help me... 

it gives me an affiliation that the ESL world recognizes etc. 

I will leave the house by 7:30, I will get my smoothie ready the night 

before. I will get soy chocolate powder (spirutein maybe) and make that 

things taste really good. I will drink it in the car on the peaceful drive 

down 684 and SMP to tarrytown. Easy drive. and I will also drink coffee on 

the way down to wake up. This is only until January. How bad can you fuck it 

up? Will your students hate you? Eh alors? Will I do a good job teaching 

TOEFL? I have never laid eyes on the test. But having a focus perhaps will 

make the teaching easier. I can google that shit. Gimme a focus. Do my ESL 

class. Get some grad credits. Apply to the license. Submit my transcripts.  

Work out a payment plan. Figure out my life post-February. Feeling good. 

Able to buy an ipad and stuff. Maybe a tattoo.

To tell myself:

Breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. 

breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. 

Be kind to yourself. 

Dr. Folchman helped me see so many things. Today my thoughts about Frank 

were starting to feel like pissed at how he is. That is a sign for me to 

back off I believe. He is emotionally absent. He is always surveilling that 

his relationship to me does not infringe on his relationship with himself. 

God forbid he loses his 'equilibre' for a day. Once the anger clears I see 

someone who is insecure. Who keeps up his english punk clothes to tell the 

world something. It says "I am this person, and I'm not flinching" Not even 

when I am 42. As ryan says, that style of dressing was like an organic 

occurance at the time it was produced. 

I actually feel repressed when I go to his house, there is only punk music 

on CD, there is only zebra everything. It makes me feel so uncomfortable, in 

a way I couldn't identify when we first were dating. 

Why am I using my energy to put him down. He needs love as much as I do. 

I have to tell him that we can be occasional companions. but I need an 

emotionally open partner. One who is capable of being vulnerable, taking a 

risk, for me.  The sex was awesome though. No one can take that away.

fil des evenements

gonna

try to write about this thing that is bothering me.

Oh, aren't we fortunate to have hearts that hurt sometimes?

he cocked his head to the side

 samedi soir.... nous voila...

I have watched 2 episodes of gossip girl.... then 2 of Portlandia... then listened to Nick Cave.... then take my vitamins and washed dishes in my kitchen sink.

I could say i savored my own company... but it's out of balance in that I spend most days and nights with myself, it loses its novelty, u know?

I remember that feeling I used to have in college, so excited to curl up in my dorm room and read beat poetry... That passionate girl must still reside in me, but the internet has made her a lot fucking stupider. And sucked into negative comparisons to herself and others in her peer set. Do I need to know that Sarah found her dream boy, now has a proper ring, and 100 "likes" of her choreographed photo? Aw, even alternative chicks like her find the right guy and get engaged. Except you, what the fuck is goin on there??? No man, just a sad story about an ex boyfriend who never could "pop the question". And another sad story about an emotionally absent guy who is good in bed, and that is good enough for "now". Does that count for anything now-a-days?

it's not the first visit to facebook of the day that kills it. It's the subsequent "whats going on now?" keeping it open in the browser... excitedly awaiting for the notification to tell me that I have a new like or friend request or new message from a guy who lives 3 time zones away. 

Yet who can point the finger... whose fault is it all. At what point do you shut out the distraction, get off your ass, and live your life, guided by your own sense of direction and innate sense of where to go. Those who say "But... maybe he really loves me, i'll wait + see..." --- they will see that they go nowhere and the love never arrives. The voice of the wretched former beauty queen..

Just got a feint feeling of excitement of gaining some momentum working with the population of students I enjoy, that is international privileged rich kids..... if only I could earn some more money NOW. that has been a struggle. Guess what, for the first time, I think to myself, you can move out of your apartment in October! U can do whatever the fuck U want. Do you have the courage?? Its ok, if the cats have to move back to my parents. It's OK, if Nico has to live with them for awhile. Its OK Its OK. Why am I sticking around the valley?? Yeah, it's cool paying very low rent and taking hikes pretty much every day for a few dogs as my job. Not cool basically not affording groceries. 

Things that make me feel good

Learning spanish

Having good collegial bonding experiences

Reading and listening to French radio, and speaking French with phillippe or Frank or Julie..

Playing with dog/ staring into his face

Working out -- cardio & 1 lb weight work on my arms. 

Drinking water

Making smoothies with spinach chia seeds berries almond milk yogurt etc.

Having sex with someone I feel attracted to

Watching Louis CK standup... I can't believe him...

Also Reggie Watts...

Watching the 1st half hour of Kathy Lee + Hoda.... OK it's true, I like that.

Washing my hair with Pureology shampoo for Platinum hair, and feeling that my blond locks are healthy and looking luscious.

Feeling tired of making lists.... gonna go lie in bed and drift to sleep, first I will let the dog pee. 

XO XO looking forward to rain tomorrow. 

fin aout

coucou. Just had some frozen yogurt with Ry, black forest flavor... the dude makes me smile he's great. Last night it was katie's wedding... i was mostly in tears during the ceremony. Not really tears of joy. I wanted to examine why it is hard for me to see my friends succeed... achieve 'happiness' or whatever. Here I was at Newman Center... where remy used to eat omelettes everyday... thinking that I should be here at this wedding with someone. That I should be moved out of my 1-bedroom apartment by now. That I shouldn't be sleeping w 2 different guys in the same week, thrilling as it is. I'm more than sowing my wild oats... My life is one big wild oat. :)

Of course, it brings up many feelings about Remy. The way it happened is that he is in France now,  with no plan to return, and he cries over losing me everyday. He had 4 years to commit to me in a way which would secure our future (i.e. marriage) He didn't opt for that option. He insisted insisted on doing things his way. He spent a good few months on his internship visa extension living + working in NYC. But no job came through, no visa can through, so he had to return to his childhood home.. The night before he left he asked me in a loud cafe if I would want to marry him. He asked meekly, with such low confidence. It was clear no strong partnership would start with this feeble last ditch question. I  said, go back to FR, work on yourself... we'll see where our paths take us. And now, we fiddle with the idea of revisiting the relationship, of trying again... but is it really a good idea? As Julie says, what  more so I need to see of him that would change my mind about us? Why am I allowing this possibility of possibilities that we would try again... hold me back? mentally... from meeting other people...Why is a smart girl like me allowing that. Maybe it's because he is really a stable partner, he cares for me, he is spiritual, he is caring... 

When I was with josep the other day...  i was struck how it felt so different to be with someone with a positive outlook on life... who loves meeting people, discovering new cultures... and on top of it, he has this spanish/macho way of making me feel 'taken care of''... doggone the feminist in me, but I liked it. A change from Rem, where I was the alpha role. I had to communicate charm to friends, waitresses, landlords, neighbors... because its the last thing remy would give out. It was exhausting. Much to my surprise, I liked feeling like I was in the presence of a strong man. 

We learn through our pussies...

Juse/josep said that when he first met me, maribel + I were talking about how the guys around us were hot or not, or if we'd fuck them, etc. You know the schtick. Juse said he thought I was like a dominant type... and he is equally surprised that I'm not really the image I project. I think since college I've projected this mirage. Like, ya I can fuck whomever... men are my playthings.... and maybe it is time I reexamined that image. I was watching Oprah and this relationship expert had a woman take off her makeup before she counseled her... she said 'that's the face you need him to love... the woman that is vulnerable..."

Anyway. where is this going. 

I guess nothing feels realer in my life right now than evaluating my love life and my future as a mother. (i'm not pregnant, fyi) But yeah, it's sort of on the forefront of my mind, when this baby machine is gonna start churnin. It's biology or whatever... and I will be honest I sometimes think that you don't need love to coparent with someone. Yeah, it's the ideal... when mommy + daddy kiss goodbye in the morning... but what if we aren't lucky enough to find mr. right? is Mr. good DNA a good option? Tall lean blond + french?

Anyway.... i'm getting pretty gaga. 

juin juin

I wish i had curly hair like this curly haired girl. 

My antidepressants are making me depressed...

Ry called, we spoke about how the G o T violence toward the body is really gone too far. Then he had to go make a delivery so we said we'll talk later. 

Evening with Michael, inspiring... he tells me that a book could be made about it all. Could i??? 

i want someone to change my password.... so that i can't go on the dreaded social network..

Should we put the baby before the bathwater? Or the baby before the babycarriage? 

Remember how I wanted rem to buy a bed with me, to get a bigger apartment, to start dreaming of owning a house. He would dismiss all of those yearnings toward something better, because he was not in a position to starting thinking of that. i.e. had no money. 

But isn't that how we get places we want to be? 

Before there are the toys and the jungle gym and the garden in the side yard there is an implausible peek in the newpaper just to dream. 

It is like when I realized I wanted to live alone I kind of dismissed the idea to myself, and then i started opening the pathway for it to come. And come it did. 

And I feel like in a way I never want to leave where I live. 

But how can i say that? 31, unattached... to any job or kids or anyone. N o one is my anchor is the truth. 

==============================

June 17 2013. 

Sunday. Deb will possibly talk to Sarah tomorrow about quitting. At least not going along with her new employee structure. Deb said "I'll wait until Monday -- I don't know why but I'll wait until then."

Sunday. Jen texts me while Im  at Dorin's gettin my hair super blonded. 

"serious shit is going down."

By the end of the week, she will decide if she will abandon physical therapy school for good, to go back to massage and things that she wants. if she is trying to be something she is not. 

She will decide by the end of this week. 

She will also begin to grieve the sudden move of Andy to back to his home town. 

I have this week alone to go to FASRI, sign a contract, and tell APC that I will transfer to Providence. 

In one week.

This is a big week. the stars are telling us. 

Last ight, date with "Jamie Hogan". 

He had bought me + julie a drink at NBC. Then came up to talk to us. Yada yada. To be done with it I gave him my number, even though I didn't like how he touched my shoulder for a few seconds too long. He texted me + we made a plan to have dinner. Etc. at fresh side. 

idrank ginger vodka lemonade and tons of yummy oodles of noodles. Then we went to amco, had some bourbon, i drove home and was asleep in 2 seconds. 

I think I have... gasp, screen fatigue. 

I didn't like the dude. He left me with so little impression. He is 44 with 2 twenty something daughters. WOW. that is different from 42 years old Frank dressing in punk clothes and at punk shows. 

He admired my hands and held them. Stop. But thanks for dinner. 

I was lucky that he didn't try to kiss me. 

I am  tired of dancing this dance. Playing the game. Listening and nodding. The requisite "thank you" text and being too busy to hang out again. Boundary boundary boundary. 

Aaron: he tried to do the dance with me. I always had to get up early the next morning. I always had other plans but let me take a rain check on that bottle of wine and you in that apartment before your roommate comes back. (remember that text!). 

Then he stopped responding to my texts, presumably because it wasn't easy enough to sleep with me?... and I am left of the memory of his blatant attempt to get me HAMMERED on gin + tonic at his apartment, while I recovered in his bed he drunkenly cuddled me. How does it feel to be a guy and want pussy so bad that you are happy to get drunk pussy. That is how the world works, I guess, and men are dogs. The essential conclusion. the sexual drive is so brutal that they fight for scraps.  

Where I feel mad and wronged is that I wronged myself. I wasn't interested in him!!!!! Wah wah. So what is my problem with boundaries. Why am I so shy to reject guys, to not return their calls. 

Guess what, I am fucking allowed to be selective. With my time. With who can get my rocks off. Lately I have not been very  selective. Aaron can right after I barf everything up into his bathroom. Disgusting. I was drunk, but I think I opened a box in his bathroom and in it were condoms for his skinny bone.

Now he is trolling around town in preppy clothes, trolling for pussy... trolling for his 'unbearable lightness of being' type of chick. Why is he invoking such wrath in me? This skinny bookish classical saxophone player! I think it is because he is so everything I hate about masculinity at this moment. These dudes who think they are god's gift to women, so they will spend their bachelor years collecting pussy after pussy. Until *they* are ready to commit to one. I remmeber how he just fricking bored me to death while I was like "mm hmm. Oh interesting." about his stories about partying in Saint Tropez or on the UES with the heir to Louis Vuitton. 

I am most mad at myself. For letting him bore me. For letting him think that I was considering sleeping with him. For letting him think that he could score a girl like me. Gain some weight first please!!!

Excuse me while I....delete him # from my phone. 

The ultimate fuck you sendoff!!! haha.