febrrrruary

some new things. + me dressed in winter atire.... We need it bad today killer wind storm!

in the oven: roasted chicken (i don't really eat meat..) and I made a carrot ginger soup + am gonna use my immersion blender (it's the blender wand) that i got for xmas.
My mom called tonight JUST as I was about to come on here + have alone time with my door closed while rem cooked. I was gonna spill my guts about my life recently.
"how's nico" etc. and then we got fighting about this cat that she has forced on the whole family, and who no one likes. Her argument is how I brought Sasha home and why is that OK but what she's doing is not. UGH.

ran into my ex's ex-girlfriend at the pet store --- we were both buying dog items and stuck up a conversation! We hit it off, and i got her number. Then I saw her boyfriend, and I realized that I have fantasized about giving him my number! He's a bartender, and looks really cool.

Otherwise, there's been some longing for travel, I hope to make a trip this spring to see a new land... maybe visit a city where at least 2 beloved people live!

I also bought myself a pretty ring. It's like a diamondish wedding band type, but it's silver + 1/10 carat. I bought it for me + am wearing it on my right hand ring finger! Holla!

My apartment is a mess... i keep accumulating and nothing makes sense. Where do I put things? How do I organize?

I'm teaching a small group of little kids french -- been sweet but I don't quite know what I'm doing. but I went today and the dog went too.

NICO!!!! x x o o

feb is the saddest month. also january

I remember a couple of years ago, remy + I went to ABC to watch the superbowl. It was a younger self of me - I ate a big ole' meal and insisted on going somewhere to feel part of the american tradition. Remy accused me of liking the football players too much. Eh... like convincing him otherwise seemed, and seems, so useless.

tonight, for the superbowl, i just finished listening to wait wait on npr, drinking wine out of a chimay glass, watching now 60 minutes interview Jon gotti jr. This weekend I spent on two walks with bo up with street, a trip to marshalls, and finally a trip getting pastries (football-shaped ganache/fudge things) so i hope its ok to give to my colleagues the day after the supa bowl. don't forget a saturday watching junky tv and understandably not leaving the house. damn grey winter!


friday I was bumming out pretty bad, like all these loose ends and no resolution. Why can't dreams come true? That may be a childish question, but really. Like in that one day the dog i wanted was adopted, I didn't hear from my interview, I deal with screaming middle schoolers all day with little pay and little gratitude. The dog is like my one hope, the communion of dog mom + dog, leashes, food, love. That would seem to provide my life with more meaning, if not only every crazy pet person out there were also looking for a dog. maybe there are other places to find meaning...
and I just thought like, Why can't I get that dog, and then they call me to say i got the job, and then the people don't buy your building, and etc. etc. not to mention the dream (pah!) of like someday being married, catered, friends, pretty dress, sunshine, ya know all that. Oh and the boyfriend who isn't insisting on doing it his way and be 17 for the next 10 years.
maybe some are dreams, maybe some are just clues to change my reality.
I just wonder, ya know, oprah says things come when there is no resistance. but resistance must serve a purpose? Wanting something and not knowing if you can have it, but wishing? How can we all be so zenned out all the time that as if by magic the things we want gravitate toward us? is that how it works? Well fuck all that because on Friday all I know is that several things I have wanted refuse to materialize and my life feels lacking because of it. or maybe I am the one lacking.

today I had half a bagel for lunch, and the other one almost burnt to a crisp, for dinner with hummus, tomates, pesto, all of it falling all over my hands, then these 4 falafels with tzaziki. it was like a pure tami meal, a meal i eat when no one influences my choice of meal. no one there to say it's too much or not enough or not healthy or what the fuck ever.

tomorrow is the last day of NFMS, good bye all, smiley face "I had a great experience" "thank you so much" well I will mean it in a few situations. I just today started to apply to things, but it won't be such a bad thing if i must go back to what I was doing before. there is always an imaginary french veteran teacher who is grabbing up all of my jobs. because she's older, had a family, had the experience, also teaches spanish, drives a newer honda, i assume. I think she exists because I am not chopped liver even though I feel like it, and it's just hard out here...

I thought today how 30's is looking like a welcome sanctuary. Like, safe. So much evil in the 20s. think of sharon, Sylvain, drus, all the mistakes and the low self-worth and the wishing + hoping you did. I've told you, i feel like I've arrived at a place where, this may be creepy, but like I've become my own parent, really concerned for my own well-being, health and comfort. so many nights you could have just stayed home but went out stalking prey, and that game goes on and on. it was sexy in 2003. "Now it's a shame, to see someone with so much going for her, throw it all away" - - ha ha that was like my fake-parent of myself voice LOL!!

x o

chi mini

chichi - mini
loving friends and telling them just how I feel (that I LOVE THEM)
coming out of january like a lion? mm. or feb or march.
cousin leslie so pretty

remy's aikido kyu test yesterday after mochi moshi yum yum, it was exp for not much food but nice company - tired nik sar + dojo gang - so un-boisterous and respectful all of us.

alex you are so cute n' cool you're gonna find a job or not whichever way you are cool + belong on that vineyard of yours.

hoping this next week to bake cookies + give to people at NFMS. like jane + andrea, and leave everyone with a good impression. it's been a hard job to be honest. class management is not my strong suit. Like I want to hang out with them more then be stern with them. when these kids said "vingt skank" and "dix" like dicks, I want to laugh in their faces I so do. It's hilariously funny.

someone on facebook wihtin a 2-day span posted how they "found their dream job" and then went from "single" to "in a relationship" and wrote in the comment how much they are in love. Can this person's life possibly be so good??? I felt like logging off right then seeing that, and seriously wondering what life is all about.

I gotta go to dave's pet store tonight but do it so that rem doesn't quite realize that I am planning on adopting tomorrow. I must get a leash and etc. Anyone have a crate? (ha ha..?)

rem + i had an argument in the car at Bub's BBQ where I could feel my stomach gettting into knots and physically could no longer argue. like this tension and his obtuseness sometimes. THE HEART WANTS WHAT THE HEART WANTS.

So looking forward to this winter to be over already. I think the week of MLK Jr. day was the bona fide gloomiest week of the year/ my life. Dreams that I was crying carrying around just pain. living at their house makes me feel like a spayed kitty in a crate sometimes. No hope of flirtation or excitement, just getting tipsy while my parents curl up to O'Reilley and I get ready for bed or phone call...

Would rather not think in sentences right at this moment. This evening on the agenda is grocery shopping, maybe watching hulu, eating leftover chinese food with rem, cuddling toes under the covers, anything involving not being needed by anyone or yelled at or judged.

Monday I'm taking a sub day so I get to spend a long weekend here!... and do something else on monday that I don't want to jinx by talking about. x o x o

Dr MLK jr day

monday night before the storm..
well there may actually be a storm tomorrow - ice + sleet so I'm kinda hoping for no school or a delay.

Crazy few weeks, feel things are ch-ch-changin'.

Just spent the weekend enveloped in love - such a distinct feeling - and feeling torn between living in 2 places. But, loving the little break from the valley. the horrible weather, its here too, but i can park in a garage here.
On way back home, i stopped at LL Bean - the real store - in CT! Very cool to see the stuff in person. only got a shirt for Rem, decided I didn't need like a 10th cozy hoodie.

spent alot of the past weekend actually under the covers talking + touching toes with R. thats what i love... maybe not so much what we were talking about ( that he ain't committing + we may need to take a breather from the relationship) but it was still a nice weekend...

I recently would like to adopt a DOG! It's sort of causing me to fantasize about a future me where I got on walks with it + drive around with it and I know it will enhance my life. Of course rem is not on board, so lately I am thinking it's him or the dog. It's like, what I want. Single in the city! With a cute dog! Sort of eases the shock and pain of being suddenly single. Gives me a project. Anyway its just an idea, but I found one I love this weekend at Dakin. But - high adoption fee - $375! So among other reasons I felt that it wasn't the right time. And sure enough, come sunday morning I was happy to be able to sleep in and not have go on a bathroom run just yet.. But looking forward to when the day comes.

there's a meager run down of events lately. Back to the grind.. although this winter its been many 3 and 4-day weeks at NFMS... but I may need the extra time to plan my summer and apply to stuff, and watch Court TV.
x-o-x-o-x-o-x-o

road to perfect health

drunk on mom's wine + dinner. love foooood!!!!

happy new year. Ideas flopping around:

possible trip to CALI w/ niki in the spring to visit Molly.
Possibly rem can invite his french friends that week so I'm not in his way + he gets to see friends + do boy stuff that makes him happy.
would like to get married in the summer but I need a willing partner (or marry myself) or move on as a happy single woman - may have to adopt a pug to ease the transition + give my life meaning.
had a nice/ horrible new years eve - involving a fabulous FONDUE spread, and then boyf could not get a bus home so I was alone with my fondue + romantic dinner idea sabotaged. There must be a rom com around this theme starring meg ryan or katherine heigle. In the end, it worked out even though there was some screaming and throwing cell phones into walls etc. we shared a lovely new years kiss + were able t o meet up with some positive people in sarah + nik and grow older in 2011 with choc + pb ice cream & brownies & cool music (CROSSOVER).

today kissed goodbye all day to my kittie kids, so loving and wonderful they are, and listening to savage podcast en route to NY, plopped down and ready to veg in my downstairs apt. with kitty sasha and get ready for another week / month of french middle school teaching! Ready to plan for new directions, trips that will bring me joy, activites (sewing, cooking) that will occupy the rest of my life. This on the heels of reading this article:
http://jezebel.com/5722330/want-a-happy-relationship-think-about-yourself-more

Otherwise still have little crushes here + there, mostly dudes who work at whole foods or traders, but there is a high turnover rate for them, and I'll be over them quick. Just a week ago i thought sam was worthy of me hiding my face under my hoodie. Now I know he is not even worth that action. so I went in there like nothing yesterday, and left, and felt good. Them spent today breathing in the one I love and remembering that love is here for me if I let it in, and all that makes me cry. I am like the woman on "Bronx Beat" on SNL who says she can't stand her husband, says there is a "ghostbusters" sign on her vadge - like "no trespassing" - and then get choked up talking about her husband, cuz she "loves him so much". haha. I love it.

new years was weird, well niki + ez calling me today hoping that I would train to brooklyn as I have done so often in my life -- and i have to admit that I don't feel like taking the trip - having to spend the night in an unfamiliar place, yet I'm not toally honest or try to hide that truth, and make excuses (real or fake) like that I feel sick. Which I thought is how I felt yesterday, cancelled my big trip to NYC to spend time with current friends in my CURRENT life in my CURRENT location. Maybe I am no longer looking to get laid -- is that what keep people up past midnight typically?? Or parties are just so boring, I think it is because I have someone to share a bed with now, thats what I was debating with jen now. Like bodily discomfort is manageable if there is the promise of finding a mate, perhaps? Like sleepiness, social malaise? anyway. It's all related to that revelation I had a few months ago when I got high for 2 days straight and felt like my own parent. Nurture, nurture, nurture the self, that is the greatest reward. And then you can give to others the brightest and healthiest you. Health - one of the greatest joys worth striving for on earth. Self-posession: another great joy. Thinking that your life is worth going to bed at a decent hour, etc, etc. I'll get off my soapbox now and give your eyes a rest! x x hoping for a great 2011 for all. (I almost wrote 2001 - remember where I was in 2001! starting it at SU - great semester - and ending it at Bard - new boyf and morning swimming routine.)

Bisous

huntER

friday night lazy fest glued to the computer.
that always happens - so slothenly by Friday, and unshowered.

Man oh man. such stress and illness lately. Mercury in retrograde or unseasonably cold frigid temps or what have you. I was sick and ill early this week, but worked anyway, spreading my misery around, and then Remy got it and spent last night tossing and turning and sighing his stressed out sigh from 3-5 am. What a joy to listen to. I spent those hours wishing that our bed is bigger, or that he didn't live with me, or wondering if I really love him. Any and all of the above.

Oh, love.

Annoyed during last flute lesson today. This music colleague sits at her desk while I teach. She turns around today and starts commenting about they could never act like they do in her class. Sam was like barking while I fixed Emma's flute. I have never liked this woman's energy -- I'm never wrong about these types of things. She like miswears clogs with skinny jeans. She's like uptight anal judgy type who can come off as friendly. whatever! I just couldn't deal with her attitude.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaHbEW0wisg


So I basically have 36 hours left in Hadley until I start a new thing. I certainly wonder why i am doing what I'm doing but it's all for hope of a brighter future. And honestly, I hate driving to work so the fact that I can park in the garage during January + drive 7 minutes to school is huge. So if I do return to WS after all, it will be 1 less month that I have to shlepp 18 miles to school.

Got a random email invite to some guy from Bard's 30th birthday party at some hip bar in BKlyn. This dude like has been too cool to talk to me over the past few years and now he is just as I remembered him - I had high hopes for him. There is the archetypal Bard student -- rich, beautiful, in the in-crowd, privileged -- the classic HIPSTER -- so cool they are a caricature of themselves without knowing it -- something meta meta. And I am so not that. And he so is. dating 25 year olds always looking for that hotter brunette to trump the last one. There've been many hotties be roadkill on the road of his life, myself included. And I guess what I've been thinking about is how I'm like not cool anymore + I have morphed into something more organic. I live rural, small town kinda socially conscious eat well. In other words, I guess I'm not drawn to "the scene" anymore. Even if I didn't have a boyfriend, I never liked that SCENE. Yet there's a whole scene alive and thriving in a post-Bard state. I am like busy building my life and cultivating healthiness and sanity and love up here in MA where no one visits and there's no real SCENE.

Has my creativity just shrunk up and now I have no intrigue in the scene? Yeah. easy for me to sit here and judge something I'm not invited in, or ever was. Just sitting on the fringes, waiting to pounce and go to bed with one of the dudes.

Ok well enough spewing my stressy crankiness onto you. I'm supposed to go boozing at ABC (with probably all of Umass) tonight and I have sat like a log eating chocolatey fatty foods this afternoon and still have chapped lips and a slight cold. ARG STOP COMPLAINING! I'll leave now before you decide to stop reading this blog.

this is the 1st day of my life

coucou.

looking at myself in the mirror now - I got cute boots on + a red cardigan over my "ribbon" dress or whatever.


Weird day. I spent most of it dreading what I had to do and filled with uneasiness. Well it always starts 1st thing in the morning, when I realize that I've slept till 7 or 8 and always wonder if I missed a phone call or if I have to be somewhere. Then I hear the voices downstairs and they're industrious working so early. I then felt guilty and weird about what I said to donna's ex at the bar the other night - sometimes my "WE'RE ALL FRIENDS" attitude backfires and I wish I had shut my mouth. Had some european style tact. I was coming on too strong to this guy about how I knew his ex and how she's a great masseuse and I wanna get my boyf a gift certificate. Like, just stop talking!

I watched some housewives of NYC on tv, felt shocked by them, had a reluctant grasse matinee, and got on the road for my dentist appt. I have some receding gum lines, which makes me more vulnerable to cavities. etc. One real cavity, and since i have no dental insurance, it'll be $240 to fill. I guess not too bad.

Then I came home and was feeling the old I'm not worthy feeling. Etc. old feelings. Cuz these young hip language teachers at ARHS have good jobs and I don't wah wah. I guess my actual situation sometimes doesn't match my idealized vision I have for myself. My ideal picture of me is like this artsy, friendly person that everyone knows and wants to know. Maybe the reality is that I'm known to few people for being a nice and funny person, one who apparently is talented at music yet doesn't really play anymore, and hardly can pay her bills. (Mid sentence that all seemed quite funny!)

It's just on facebook, you just can see how people are so connected, and I sometimes would like to be more connected. like I'm tired of telling thurston's friends that I'm "friends with Matt K." because in reality I decided three years ago that I hated all of them, plunged into a self-hating depression and pushed everyone in my life from me and was desperate to clean the slate. They had all seen too much. So that's like a good connection to have, and I burned that bridge. Well, a little. I still say hi if I see him at whole foods, and I actually miss him. He's just always with his wife with a squeaky high voice.

Anyway, I'm just not over Sean S. not being that into me.

And when I see smiley facebook photo albums of people with rich lives and successful careers I sometimes wonder why I don't have all that. But MAYBE I DO. I certainly have a couple kind of life, where you don't really need to be known to anyone but that person. But it seems that the most meaningful conversations I have lately are with home + college friends, and not currently living near me friends. A la jess talking about her kid is starting to crawl and sit up and how exciting that is.

Sincerity blah blah blah. AUTHENTICITY is the buzz word floating around the consciousness of noho hippies.

My stalker came into the thrift shop I was at today, stormed to the back of the store, where I ducked from him, and he walked out and made awkward discourse with the clerk ladies. He's the one that said to me "You're a FREAK" in Target that one time. woah....

Later today, i was teaching flute to kids and I was yawning chronically. You know when you feel like excruciatingly tired and bored, and you can't stop yawning? I really do think that it's a sign of deep deep malaise. Like your being can't stand to be doing what it is doing. Like my soul is so tired. It aggravates me so much when these kids don't practice and can't play anything well. They stop every 2 seconds and go "I messed up! Argh!" and I sort of wonder how much I really care about helping them to play well. There is one student who I see as like a mini me, and I musically guide her to phrase beautifully and with sophistication. (yeah, she's in 4th grade).

I'm getting hungwee!! I nee to go troll for food. Hoping for a mysterious and exciting weekend (even though I'm in a relationship).

x o