coucou

 Salut nobody,

It was a weird day. I am in my house now, it snowed for most of the day, only to sort of stop right as I was resigning myself to staying in for the night. Leon bailed, Tracy bailed, leaving me to make the choice to go myself to Kingston, or stay at home among my creature family, drinking Namaste Dogfish beer, out of danger's way, writing in my diary. You know which choice was more appealing, and the one I chose. Winter often presents quandries like that. 

I learned some news today, for which I am grateful to my adopted community of Jen's friends. Jen was never wild about my current crush. She very Jen-ly told me "He's a schmuck".... in regards to how he blew me off about twice, told me he has me on the back burner. Ouch. but true words, coming from a friend who sees my worth perhaps clearer than I do. That's how it goes with girls. I was so hateful toward her Steve. Hated that she had to go through that mud. But knew to shut my mouth after awhile. We all have to walk through our various mud. Without commentary from our friends. In any rate, I feel grateful today for the commentary. It was revealed that this guy I have so slightly been 'seeing' is in fact seeing someone else. And it was revealed today that he in fact is doing more than seeing her. Which nicely explains his hot-and-cold, making plans with me, then backpedalling, flaking, then seeming hot again, only to be aloof again. I gave the guy more passes than I ought have. Cuz of his tats and whatever. I put him on a pedestal. A human error. Anyway I just spend the afternoon erasing his contact info (I quickly put him in my address book, too quickly). 

Anyway it is Valentine's Day, an annoying coincidence, just the perfect time to review my relationship goals and wishes. How I want to feel -- prioritized. That someone would want to spend a snowstorm with me, just coming to understand me better. Or just co-exist, the way I do with my animals. It's the best. 

I just yelled at my 22 year old lover. It was probably the first time I expressed something to him in an urgent, annoyed, disappointed, real way. He did something stupid. As 22 year olds do.

I remember being yelled at by my 38 year old lover when I was 22. it was scary. In retrospect, perhaps a bit manipulative/ abusive on his part. I remember I told him I would maybe visit, then I was in my parents pool, on the phone with him. He told me he was tired of being "jerked around" by me. He was the one getting 22 year old pussy. I don't feel sorry now for him. 

I am reading Iyanla's book on love. She is the Queen. it is late, I feel tired and I will go read it now. 

dead of winter

 currently at duty in dorm. Wondering for how long this will be my life. Married to my job seems the most apt analogy. 

Have inspiration sometimes to write, to be poetic, to be real, to connect with my audience like I used to. 

Did a lot today. Vacuumed, walked Nico, wrapped my UPS package, bought my plane ticket to St. John. Heard from Lexy about my summer job (ugh... why do I want to work here in the summer? I suppose it does pay well....) and potentially I could teach just enough to enjoy it. Am I trying to save money for.... what? I think its living off campus, but in reality I would like to live in a better apt on campus, without being a dorm parent. For 1 more year-ish.... and then who knows. Or maybe for 30 more years-ish.

Apparently mercury is in retrograde. Hard core. Saturday I had a bummer flaking date and communication seemed to be the crucial element lacking power or clarity.  I thought he had intended one thing and then he got all weird and sort of back pedaled. Ohhh well. It will arrange itself if it is destined to. It made me think about how I like maybe 5% of men. And when I do find one, it so rarely works out.... or so I've been telling myself. I talked about that in my last post. That need to stay eternally optimistic in the face of such chronic disappointment. Ok I'll get off my soap box for now. 

And then seeing this recent guy like hiding himself behind smoke + mirrors.  I used to do that. I wanted to hide, in the early stages-- appear like cooler than I felt, so I would be like "yeah, I have a party that night, but we could meet at this bar - my friend is gonna be showing his art" etc. So now it's curious to me to see this guy doing something similar, I think, or he is just not interested (possible). 

to be continued.

me revoilà

Walked - gorgeous, sunny day at Vassar Farm. The site of the much-discussed killing of deer. Half expected to see drippings of blood. Did see little prancer footprints though. Apparently there are too many deer and they decided to kill a bunch of them because science. Well guess what. There are too many fucking humans. Idiots have kids, their kids have kids, and there are too many fucking morons everywhere you look. But no one can shoot them dead because that would be murder.

While I was walking I had the thought which released some emotion in me. I felt like, why can't I have what I want. Playing this dating game is so discouraging. And I'm so adept at it that the disappointments that come along like hardly phase me anymore. Like, "oh well". There goes another guy -- the 5% of men who interest me/ turn me on -- back to the drawing board of scripted okcupid messages, short-ish guys with kids who are balding but -- make no mistake -- put sexual chemistry as their number 1 credential in a relationship. Ah, yes. Back to those hoardes of guys who will reply to my "I don't think we'll click" message with a "well we should still be friends. Besides, you're really cute."

Anyway, whenever you talk to people about dating they are quick to tell you that "you're a catch" --- "you're beautiful" -- you're this, you're that. Like, any guys would be lucky to land you. And yet, in your navigating of those dating waters, it's like a toss up when you meet a moderately hot guy who seems to correspond to your wishes. And when that happens enough, its hard to not consider it a trend.

At the same time, there is still something relentlessly optimistic about me. I fell asleep last night to a youtube astrology report for this week. Apparently mercury is really in retrograde, and that things that appear negative are actually a positive, to be discovered later. Things may appear to be setbacks now but will all work out. Communication is really suffering, blah blah blah. Does that explain why this hottie asked me out for Saturday on Wednesday, only to be incommunicado all day, then at 6 tell me that he was on his way to meet his buddy and maybe we could connect later, anything happening?.... or maybe another night.... what?

Yeah yeah yeah. A bitter woman is not a sexy woman. So I'm just trynna chill and practice self-love. Went to bed last night enveloping myself in a white loving warmth. I love me. I am worthy. All that bullshit that is supposed to attract the man of my dreams. "Believe it can happen". etc. etc.

Speaking of which, I should get to writing an email telling my exes that I need to cut them loose. That is energetically holding me back. I do believe that. Patty Stanger talked about the "collector" syndrome. Where you "remain friends" with all your exes but it's only to put them all on a shelf like toys and play with them when you feel like it. Yeah.

Good afternoon.

coucou

 mi-novembre. fin novembre. 

Putain, ca craint comment c deja la fin du mois, c'est a dire que c'est 3 semaines de speed juska Noel. Pu-taiiiiin.

Today, watching Michael and Linda from my apartment fighting. 

Did "jack shit" all day, a walk with Nico, then  blithely moping around my apartment. Watched an episode of Lilyhammer. Weird, this holiday vibe coming. Making plans to 'spend with family'..... all of these questions about my social life so confusing. 

There is this totally cute, successful, kind, smart young man I work with. Up to this point we've hung out as "friends". I think because of my desire to survive. I need a friend more than a lover. Plus, we both live in the frickin campus. An ill-guided visit to his OKC cupid kind of got me thinking "Huh". Like if I met him in the outside world I am thinking that I'be maybe be into him. I think I am perhaps too "wild" for him sometimes. Anyway, I think I will try to snog him to see if there is actually some organic chemistry there. snog = kiss. Or after a few drinks sort of touch his arm and put his hand on the small of my back. You know, seduce him. Or at least let him know that this pussy is open to him. 

Today I felt kind of a blue feeling, like realizing that I'm craving his company more than maybe I realize. And now he is dating people (as am I) and I feel increasingly interested in talking to him to 'catch up' and make sense of our crazy world. But he's a colleague.... 

And then there is the married colleague who is 12 years older than me, married with children, not exactly hot or available (but possible in an open relationship?) who I have these dreams about --- touching, holding, embracing, kissing.... and I am starting to get the idea that he is open to this possibility. Just in these little comments, ways he behaves. But I need more than little comments. Little signals. Those are what I grab onto when I'm feeling unworthy of real love. Remember 2003. 

I guess I need to go through this dark period...it's making me examine closely what I want. I want that emotional intimacy that I'm hoping to find in these "maybe" situations. I want that real partner to talk about everything. Sure, that married guy is exciting. I mean, only if they are not monogamous. That secretive stuff is not cool. Not what I want. 

And so I go to see Gone Girl tonight.... I need an escape before the week begins. 

reverie

Don't know why but am really having vivid lucid dreams, fabricated from what it seems are my latent desires. It started a year ago when I had a few "spiritual" dreams about my colleague/ mentor, where we embraced, platonically, just full of peace and love. These recurred, and most recently these feelings have intensified as have the dreams. Last night I had a poignant and erotic dream that he turned toward me and wanted to exchange our love. 

I visit him where he lived, had to pretend that it was for some banal reason. I was standing outside of his door. He reaches out to touch my necklace. That gesture of touching something on my body. I know what he wanted, I know what I wanted. I slink away. 

Later I come back to my room. We make eye contact. It is late at night. He comes over. There is no secret now why he has come. We are touching, kissing, breathing, it is all overwhelming. Why is a crush that will most likely be unreciprocated, more attractive to me, more coveted, more illustrious, more exciting, than anything real I can have now with a single guy I am dating. Explain to me that. I have this like visceral craving for him, his touch, for him to be close to me. All of this for a pretty nerdy, aging, and most importantly, married man.

In the dream, I asked him if they had an open relationship. The answer is an astounding "yes", that they have just discussed it. She actually walks by at some point, I go to shirk away, and he kind of proudly keeps him arm on my arm, to show her that this is happening, and it's OK. Feels a bit uncomfortable to me. That part of the dream I lose my feeling of desire. I wake up at this point for a sec to pee, and as I drift back to sleep I try to delete her presence. 

<3  ............ I want to have this feeling in real life, for someone real, capable of engaging in emotional intimacy with me. and all the rest. Why these chubby guys, only they wanna date me. Yeah yeah, brains and all that. I am so tired of not feeling turned on by people. Like, just that looking at them, I love when they are so tall, slender, sexy, strong, and have nice hair. I'd like to find this and have him also be smart and funny. 

Blah blah blah. The 33-year woman's song.

what is happening

hey. So mark + I have went on a few dates, had a few kisses. He notably seemed more into kissing than I was, even made a reference how he felt turned on or whatever. I knew the harsh truth-- I didn't feel the same physical attraction. It's what i've been looking for. But isn't there a degree of 'lets try this...." maybe my feelings will change. Last night I saw him and I know again that he doesn't spark my flame so to speak. So I can stop driving to New Paltz to see him just to make sure it's not there. I think I can tend to romanticize these older guys and put more confidence in things working out, when I'm really just not interested in the person. 

I derive no joy out of saying "I'm not interested", but maybe I should. More finite, it avoids the months-on-end asking me out casually where I always have something to do that night. There is a guy from literally May. Still saying "hey, wanna grab dinner and martinis?" 

OK. so there is something else. This summer, I got stronger. I led a 3-week camp with teenagers. I was the boss, the authority, while still enjoying a warm and loving rapport with my students and colleagues. I was determined to put last year behind me. The tristan episode, my constant feeling of blurred boundaries,  my poor choices, my feeling of incompetence, instead of using my negative feelings to change my behavior. 

Friday: a typical Oakwood day. There was a series of very mild boundary issues. Hall asking me about vegetarianism, Gilly came and shut the door behind Hall, making me  very uncomfortable, as if we needed to be alone. Hall left. Then Ben comes in and closes the door behind him. I ask him why he did that and he has no real reason. He just wants to talk about nothing with me. He is 15. We do some talking, gossiping, nothing bad in itself. At some point I open the door and remember that the Dean has class in the next classroom, able to observe that I was with a student behind closed doors. Then ben doesn't do his HW for my class the next period, just wanting to chit chat. There is that same tristan-esque vibe where I feel that a quasi-friendship forged outside of class makes it impossible for me to be an effective teacher to him.  I also have my own work to do, and I am frustrated in my own lack of boundaries, to be able to say "I need to prep now. Please leave unless you have an urgent question, or see me during study time"

What I will do, is come to work on Monday with a renewed sense of my values, with a commitment to change any behavior which doesn't resonate with my values and professional goals. 

When I suffer, it's that I will take a bad behavioral choice (i.e. talking too freely to Ben, gossiping), and then harp on it all afternoon. How that choice obviously makes me a fraud, a bad teacher who will soon be found out, how I may as well just look for other careers because I am clearly not fit for teaching. ALL of that buzz in my ears is false. It's an inference created by my mind, and guiding me to continue the bad behavior to sort of prove that my low self-esteem is valid. 

This summer, I chose not to respond to text msgs or reach outs from TF. His presence in my life does not serve me or elevate me to a higher level in my life journey. So I just did not speak to him. Felt right. 

I have the choice everyday to echo my values through my behavior. Where I feel uncomfortable, is the dissonance of behavior vs. values. Does not  feel good already, and losing my job for example would only bring that feeling a tad deeper. I'm already suffering in my own conscience, therefore I can actuate change and not rush to judgment or self-damnation. 

knee

 Hello. August. Oh, September. Whatever. 

Where did the day go. I managed to face my work head on. Writing syllabus is overwhelming. 

Had an unfortunate run-in with a faculty's dog tonight. He got way excited when we walked by, then charged at Nico. As I went to pick up Nico out of danger, her dog bit my knee. Three puncture wounds. First time wrapping a wound and trying to keep it clean, avoid infection.... I don't know what I'm doing exactly, went to a faculty dinner standing a lot, did a little soap and water thing. Maybe tomorrow morning I will have to go to see the doc.

It is weird, like maybe this happens in parenthood too, my love for Nico is like the blood through my veins. 

My dog is so chill through everything. While I limp around the apartment glued to three different screens and replaying the events of the day in my head, he is just totally chilling. I think that is his purpose in my life. To show me how having a strong core means that exterior stressors can't knock you down. 

Fear -- Bladder

Saw the accupuncurist. Weird. First visit. Bizarre. 

Weird how the news of the world is so bloody horrible. Well yeah, there are the obvious ones. The beheadings, etc. But a local guy came on the news on WAMC and talked about how these dogs were found drowned in the Hudson River, autopsy revealing they died from drowing. Bags over their heads. The cruelest stuff, you can't make it up. Or you can. So classic. 

When I see something in the news about how a little girl died, was murdered, etc. I must tell you that I don't feel the same pain as when I hear bad animal news. Is that horrible of me? I guess I think like it's mainstream to value a human life over an animal one. We don't need to convince anyone that murdering girls is horrible. That person will be in jail for decades. Receive society's scorn. 

I was driving to my date with Mark when I head that radio report. Tears streaming down my face, just pure sadness. Yesterday on facebook there was again an overabundance of bad animal news. Just heartbreaking stuff. I wonder too, maybe my own pain for their loss is greater than the animal spirit's pain.  He has left his physical body, he is at a higher frequency now. What has his death taught us?