tuesday

Hello. a weird kinda day.

saturday= wish it were all mine. But I started a new job that I hate.. I literally wonder if I am still 16 sometimes, windexxing the windows while thinkin about my crush in 11th grade. But no, I'm 27 and I have a master's degree.. and I'm hoping no one I know comes into the place I work lest I should have to put a "positive spin" on having that job.

That pretty much sums up my experience lately. Like, it is so hard to look at life with pink shades on. i guess the more habitual it gets to hate yourself and feel ashamed at where you are, its hard to justify your "only a summer job" and what have you. Where I am supposed to be at 5 pm is the furthest place in the world from where I would like to be.

I am just tired of running alongside my problems, like instead of sitting on my floor with my head in my hands and wondering "why am I here, where I am, in this life? How can I change things?", I go to the gym. 30 minutes of cardio listening to Kanye west and ladytron over + over again. Then I take a shower and I feel half-ready to take on the world. Today, I just feel like a pile of mud and I don't feel like ignoring it much longer. Plus my ipod has no more battery.

My landlord today commented on how I have lost weight, echoing similar comments from just about everyone. The truth is, I am not very happy in my life right now, so I have little appetite, and I am too anxious most of the time to really eat alot. I wish I could say that I am thin "and happy". How wonderful it is to take a huge bite out of life.... I have loved eating in the past but right now I feel like I have a psychic blockade at the base of my throat.

Hard to pinpoint exactly how I got here, but I know it must be a smorgsborg of everything accumulating into this moment. The previous entry is alot of it, combined with my inability to empower myself over it. It is nice to "blame" my problems on everyone else but it is just not full reality. Lisa is alot of it I guess, like her life slowly deteriorates more + more every day, and its hard to just sit back & watch. It must crawl under my skin. In addition I have a suspicion that the sibling dynamics in a family are magnified in times of crisis. Like I feel 100 times more pressure to be the "good" child as lisa goes further into the abyss.

In less debby downer news, I interviewed a southern rock chick this week, and I went backstage w/ her bandmates and was kinda interesting. Sometimes it pays to get out of the house...