not having it

what a funky time.

my emotional barometer seems to be broken today. I am lead around mostly by feelings of hunger, thirst, and need to sleep. I'm in a haze. I can't remember what I like + don't like. People I see on the streets are like cartoon cameos in my long unedited life stock.

today, had lunch by myself w/ Nico at bueno y sano. saw Nicole... and luke... and had a nice time wearing a sundress in 80 degree weather. Disorienting though.

I guess I feel so weird + confused and sick. In the other room is what has become a problem. Over 4 years there have been periods of denial of the problem.
So we weave in an out between survival mode, co-existing roommates, roommates who embrace each other while the other makes coffee, yelling roommates, roommates who cook and eat together. Roommates who have a dog together and go out with him and discipline him and take pride in him like he's our child. Roommates who sleep separately.
I guess you could feel... sorry for me? People always make the cringe face when I say that my relationship is in the pits. Like, oh man, that is tough.
Well, it will be tough, once I get the courage to up + leave.
Which I clearly don't have at this point. Or over the past 6 months. Or over the past year.
But I want to have it. I want to live simpler, not to come gushing out to girlfriends about this conundrum, this head-fuck.
"but I love him... but we don't have a future... but I love him.... but ... but..."
I'm stuck, until I do something. I'm stuck in every possible way. I've accepted a state of complacency. So I cannot grow in that. Except in little boxy ways which depress me.

I am in a funk. I guess a challenge I'd like to be sharper at is accepting what is an unknown. And experiencing it. We're not supposed to know, but it's a process, and I'd like to not ignore my emotional barometer to make it go away. Cuz it's uncomfortable.

I'm too uncomfortable to keep writing. The energy in my apartment has become so weird that the place I feel the best is lying horizontal in my bed. Like, sometimes I'll try to do something, like organize my clothes, and my feet take me simply to my bed where I lie, cuddle Nico. Like anything more is so physically exhausting to even begin to contemplate doing.
I truly would like to pack up my car, get the hell out.
Come to think of it, do you have a truck perhaps? Can you please come here one afternoon and we will take care of this stat?
oh dear.

xx oo