xmas

oh so many christmas miracles and nuttiness. listening to my steely dan-- truly a mood lifter!! Also i stole some homeopathic remedies for 'sadness" from the office, I'm popping them bad boys. Sadness isn't exactly what ails me, but it covers the bases.

There are some things I can't talk to you about. Or i don't know how.

I think I will always remember xmas 2011. rem.
xmas eve, rem + i went to UU mass, left early because those hippies all they do is sing!! came home, cooked + ate, argued, went to sleep in separate beds. too lazy to talk to each other face to face, so conversed through the wall "are you coming home w me". "i don't know". etc. etc. his life is a mess. stress looms heavy on him. on me. i have bags under the eyes. emotional drain. I say "i want to leave tomorrow 7 am".
I am up at 6:30. cool being up in dark for once. santa coming later. i have a tiny breakfast, coffee, rem still languishing in bed. 7:15. 7:30 I decide to walk nico for a bit, rem getting up i figure he will be ready when I get back. think again. I come back, he is whining about where is the milk, there is no milk. I go are you kidding me, I want to be leaving like now, you just now at 7:50 are starting your breakfast. I go here, have this brie thing and apple, banana, eat it in the car. he is whining about that's not a good breakfast, when are we going to have lunch, don't tell me what to eat. i go well just ask yourself how you have influenced this situation, i'm not ordering u to eat anything. he goes, i got up late because I didn't sleep well yada yada. I kept myself calm. we finally get in the car. I say to him "i'm dropping you off in northampton."
and that is that. I drop him off. I cry for a bit. going home without that security blanket, but life is reflecting its true size + colors back onto itself. I am without him. After the pain of being without him, I feel such a lightness. I am lighter without him. What an intense morning, reflecting so much reality into my eyes, in one distilled hour.

lea


to be continued. jen coming to walk the dogs w me.
luv T