June

That awkward moment where you wonder if you are happy in your life. 

Like, if any of it makes sense to you. That you are living on a boarding school campus, free of students for the summer, and have to see your colleagues fat asses and disapproving glances yet still. 

More and more women on facebook seem to have babies for their profile pictures.... weddings are happening under fabulous weather. 

Going to a bar alone still an exercise in not-fucking-losing-your-shit. Just let me watch my world cup match and not feel the need to ask me if I have kids or why I am single at 32 or where I lived in France and why I am a vegetarian.

I know: I am the one responsible for setting the boundary to me and the outside world. It just feels like lately, I have very low skills in this department. Maybe a reflection of my level of self-confidence? 

There is this young person. There was a string of bad decisions. There was awareness of self-sabotaging behavior. Inexplicable, it seemed. There is a feeling that I am harboring a seriously lethal secret. Me and my dance 

Do I like the Hudson Valley? I cannot tell. I just had a slew of negative interaction with rednecky type of dudes talking down to me at AutoZone, which is clouding my positive open feeling toward to the Valley. Route 9, you feel like a foreigner.

It's just been this kind of school year. Doing my job really passionately and having just a few negative colleague interactions. This feeling that I am giving so much to my job only to have "nothing" come summer vacations.

I got a job teaching for 3 weeks on campus. I'll be making pretty good money. Enough to warrant going on a special kind of travel/ vacation experience in August. I look around however, and it's like "with whom"? I am increasingly feeling like I somehow landed myself on a solitary raft off the coast of an island. You know when you are looking away and somehow your boat gets really off course. Like, almost irrevocably.

Some random thoughts for today. I feel like it's been awhile since I really felt like I was living at the edge of my being. I look around at my surroundings. I am constantly "at work". It is the most unsexy. The most uninteresting. The most fucking uninspiring.  And it is within my power as an adult with valid skills, sass and class to evaluate these conditions and how they are serving me. And opt for a change in either   situation or perspective.  Happy summer everyone especially to fellow boarding school faculty.