raw until 4

 I watched this girl tell me about how for breakfast she has a date/banana smoothie with water and some cinnamon. Kind of.... gross? All those calorie-rich foods, but like no real protein? Anyway. I totally understand how it's not really considered a diet, but rather a "lifestyle". Gotcha.

First day of school. Well no, just meetings. Felt puzzlingly happy and positive. 

A preoccupation of late has been my health.... this weird bladder problem, I had to get catheterized and talk to a urologist. After self-diagnosing for a while and ordering so many supplements, I feel like back to normal. During the scare I thought of how my diet is often too full of sugar, dairy.... eating at irregular times. Not to mention the underlying anxiety through it all. And acne.  And anxiety. How I wanted to establish a regular meditation practice. 

I do think that food heals us. 

Curiously my department chair not wearing his wedding ring today? Might my dreams be coming true? 

Today I felt so confident, I spoke up during faculty meeting. My voice was shaking as always but I said something.... I thought about how the faculty who were staring into space disengaged, so cynical, critical, fucking brainless.  I'm looking at you. 

I planted the seed during Meeting 4 worship that I want to be a competent teacher this year, a joyous presence to be around, appreciated by students and colleagues. Known as competent, caring, an original.  I want to have a great year, to not let the stress of my job overcome my life. I want to live a balanced existence, happy, only attracting other happy people to me. 

Food will certainly help me in my quest to do this. To treat food as medicine. Not abuse sugar to where I am cranky and prone to illness. Self-critical, anxious, unconfident. TO take pleasure in eating and cooking. 

I still am in shock with my behavior last year. It is in the past. I want so much better for myself. I was lonely, whatever.  I am going to move on.  Now seeking emotional intimacy in adult relationships. 

OMG. Just finished Breaking Bad. Wow. Wanna do it all again. Because they really don't speak loud on that show. I was always like "what did she just say". 

Visited Rem in MA last weekend. "Why" is the essential question on everyone's mind. 

To be continued.