what to say?
I find myself very connected to the vball community-- I played on Saturday with rahul's team, pushed myself, played hard, swung hard, and had a blast. A total blast. 6 months i was trying to figure out how to find a team. Well, I made my own. Amped up my level of play and can't wait to keep going. Now, a few of us are looking at how to make a dream team for next season.
In the past month or so, I've stopped sleeping with Alex (going nowhere), and realized that I really do want to invest in something real with someone. Many teary moments and even asking Remy if he would help get me pregnant. An awkward conversation with my doctor about sperm donation and other confusion. And then I had HPV, then I didn't, an emotional roller coaster, etc.
I went out on a few tinder dates with this metalhead guy, Mike. Instant attraction. Smooched on the 1st date. Been smooching more lately, and will see him next weekend. That's the night. But he's young, and lives far, and who knows. Remains a question mark, but he is exciting to me, very heart-on-sleeve and passionate, also has very mainstream ideas about monogamy which touch me yet surprise me. (Is it a given that one takes oneself off of tinder after 2 dates?)
Then I had something throw a wrench into the mix (a guy I used to date has re-emerged, interesting is trying again, investing) and he and I have a lot of common ground, an ease when we are together, tenderness, he speaks French, russian, and is from Canada, would consider relocation.... has taught private school, went to cornell for Linguistics, enjoys good food, speaks stern to the waiter if we are in a rush and need our check (!), has a dog... ummm, what's the problem here? I can't really explain it, but I don't feel super attracted to him on a physical level. I guess that's the kinda thing that separates friends from lovers.
Is this the kind of conflict that is what makes women single through their 40s? And then they settle at the last possible moment when they should have settled 5 years earlier sad face fertility problems?
Anyway. it's all pretty confusing to me. I'm trying to communicate the confusion to people, and not just leave things unsaid. I want to see guy A naked, I want to buy a house with guy B. No the loins should not do the deciding, but I agree it's a good place to start. That desire only goes down.
After the film in Rbeck, we embraced, and it felt really tender. We had watched "45 years" -- this film about this long term couple and marriage and couplehood. Intense, tender, beautiful film. I want to give him his medications when he is 75 and I'm 65.
Anyway, I'm rather confused and glad to watch Downton Abbey in 15 minutes!
XO
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