therapeute

11 am appointment today. Amazing work. It took a few sessions to adjust to her but I am really getting something out of our sessions.

"you have a hard time asserting your own power"

"Instead of risking rejection or 'being seen', you would rather keep them at bay" 

Hence the attractions to the people who cannot truly 'see me". 

She thinks that chris is uncomfortable for me because I don't have the control. Not sure if his lifestyle is conducive to a sustenant relationship. But I am attracted to him. But I have the urge to "break up with him" just like Frank did me in 2012.

Yeah, and he has roommates... it's a financial concern... so no privacy at his house, and honestly they don't exactly inspire me. 

Just like I don't want to tell him I don't like being fucked that hard and am not into his kinky requests, I also avoid the conversation of "how we are evolving", and "here are my concerns". Just to be open to what he says. 

I hope to initiate that convo some night this week. 

After reading Alice's cool zine "poems about girls".... I feel inspired to write some poems about men... kind of about my hatred for them and love of crushing their testicles. Kind of a potent area where I can explore my anger... and assert my power. When I think about Chris I think about this specifically male way of being in the world. All about him and his cock. All the porno he grew up on has taught him that to please a woman you just fuck her hard. 

And the wildest thing today... Mike is "in a relationship" on FB! It's only been 2 weeks! I'm almost broken up w someone in these 2 weeks!! Wild. Battled feelings of disappointment, but intuitively knew that he's not the right one for me. So I'm happy for him... she seems more mainstream and younger than me. No more trying to pretend he understands what tempeh is.