sunny friday

coucou,

well a few things to share.

You know what your life looks like to a total stranger? Well maybe that is what your life is.

Any strangers in the house?

today had a little shopping orgy at holyoke mall. I had to return a shirt at macy's, so i then looked at shoes - huge sale on boots. I got a 110$ pair of boots for 27 dolla. black, cute, metropolitan, sober, functional.

Then - h + m had some cool stuff. I felt the need to get some summer staples in my wardrobe. Cute adorable cute flats w/ that ankle strap thing. Then, an adorable white knit dress 10$.

the need to shop never really hits me until i bring myself to the store. Ya know? like the mall is otherwise so depressing.

Currently really exasperated at styling my hair. I now have bangs, and I don't know how to get them straight. Preferably without investing in a straightening iron? Any ideas, come on ladies? I tried the round brush idea but it gives me 90's bangs. WTF?

Ok, on to more real things..

Yesterday I drove with remy to Hampshire college - remember the first time I visited with jess in like 2000? And I had a super experience. There was a beautiful visitor spot open for me. It didn't have the hard core parking nazi vibe like umass. At the library I saw someone with the same name as Neil young. I remember him from several years ago when i first moved here. Anyway I got my DVD (entre les murs) thanks to remy, and had an awesome class today showing it to my HSers.

We stopped at Atkins for lunch - I got a TUNA MELT with PROVOLONE FROMAGE. so good!!!

Overall I am asking myself WTF I am gonna do next year for a job. While I am surviving teaching

I am not so much loving it. regardless of the remy situation, I am feeling like a good move for me may be to a city. But how, when, what remains to be seen. I have my fingers crossed for M****** this summer. I guess I on one hand have the baby fever (really hard seeing my friend experience the miracle of birth herself) and wanting to get knocked up, and on the other hand I want to do more things to make my future kid proud of me. Besides assigning homework to asshole students. I want a "real job" where I feel comfortable, preferably in a creative environment with other young people. And I want to just experience city living for real this time. Like, moving to the valley was not a mistake. But I will admit that I did it mainly out of EASE. Like, I really was so fed up with NYC. So much competition for everything. For jobs, for apartments, and for MATES you've got to acknowledge that. I was so not into that scene. the valley is cool but it's also where people go to have babies and give birth with a midwife and enroll the kids in chinese immersion school. I would like to one day maybe be a valley mom. But I should devote the next few years to enjoying my life just for me.

Ironically I applied for an MM... Mostly because I would like insurance, dental too. Yeah, fluting again? Dunno about that.

i just invited Felix to see a concert tonight. It means I have to pay for him cuz I owe him money. UGGGHHHHH FML. Well it should be a good show, but aren't there like welfare class tickets? FIFTEEN DOLLA.

what about you? x x x

Things happening lately:

being diametrically opposed to something yet still obsessed by it. (v day schpiel)

olympics- media americanization of grief (valuing the "brave face")

night out in northampton w/ "mate".

wanting a shot of adrenaline to get myself moving:

Tattoo ideas

pilates

dream of opening skater land

Last night - after spending saturday in the usual remy ithching to "do something" besides buy groceries and sweep the floor, I put on an episode of Mad men, sat him down on the bed and made him watch it with me. He suggests we go "boire un coup" which I ask him to explain. I wonder if he is actually suggesting that we go drink a beer together. I mean, that's a hard concept for me to really get. I guess maybe i associate bars with places to you go to get drunk and get guys numbers and/ or just go to w/ your friend to be admired by lonely losers drinking alone. Plus, i've done it before and remy is a pretty hard core drag at a bar. I remember like just downing beer and it having little effect on me because I'm with someone I'm so obviously going to go home with it's like my body doesn't even register the wild/inhibiting nature of beer. So I just get full and feel fat and burp, and then we drive home to no great fanfare.

Anyway, that's what he meant. So I was like what the hell, and we go. I make him drive. As we pull out of the driveway I half-joking suggest we play the "who would you want to go home with if you weren't in a relationship" game. He says that wouldn't end well he's possibly right. I don't know how it would end, I just know that this evening out will be so boring that we may as well play something so darkly sarcastic and depressing. After checking out a few bars "too crowded", "too expensive", "too many hipsters", we settle on Hugo's. We sit opposite one another (not my choice) and c'est parti. I get cabin fever, he gets steel rail. I spend the next hour + half alternatively wanting him to marry me and wondering how I should break up with him. I start the conversation asking him which characters on Mad Men he found intruiging. "None". I said, well we have nothing else to talk about.

The mood elevated once we got a 4th beer for free (end of the keg) and we were feeling pretty buzzed, too buzzed to remember that we were possibly no longer in love or ever were. Being drunk, the conversation drifted toward how I enjoy wonderful friendships with my exes and he is entitled to the same. I told him I haven't read him email in quite a while - 6 months? a year? and that even when I did it was due to my own self-hate. We briefly referenced his ex who wouldn't stop texting him while I was visiting last summer. It was so fricking annoying and weird. He eventually told her off and she now never talks to him. In my drunkenness I told him that I was over her, while I truly am, like I know that I wouldn't want to be her friend cuz I can sense her vibe + i don't like her vibe.

[End of entry 4 now...]

Der

hey all.

well, I'm currently feeling dumb because I just saw comments left here by a friend! Duh. I thought blogger was sposed to notify me of that or something? i have a prettier blog at tumblr now, request link, fans!

Anyway let's talk about valentine's day. Mine looked something like this. saturday afternoon, the 13th, i spend the day doing errands w/remy. we get back home, he weirdly says that he has to "go to northampton" randomly by bus. I know why. I go "I didn't get you anything either for valentines day, just so you know." this starts a conversation of how he doesn't know what to get me anyway, why don't we just go out to eat or something.

He didn't catch the hints I have been dropping for the past week - i want another orchid. I want a white orchid + they sell them at trader joes where we go at least 3 times a week.

not to mention that an amazing boyfriend would get me a diamond ring under my pillow as I wake up to breakfast in bed and all I am asking for is a fricking orchid, but whatever that's another story.

We go our separate ways - him to play guitar like an autistic child for an hour, me to make banana pudding + listen to this american life. As I'm stirring it over in my x chromosoned brain I'm starting to feel pretty pissed that he waits until today to "panic" and get me some shit I don't need, only to suggest we go out to eat since it is easier. Is a little romance too much to ask of this guy?

Cue the waterworks. we have a little stupid fight ala valentines day fight, he puts on his winter coat + announces that he will be back in 45 minutes.

I know where he is going. He is biking to traders to get me my stupid orchid that he hadn't thought hard enough to get me in the first place.

Wonderful.

He comes back with a dozen pink roses from whole foods. Am I supposed to be like, swooning over the romantic gesture of him biking in 20 degree weather to get me a stupid gift at the last minute?

The flowers are past bloom and probably too expensive. Since he can't hide them, he presents them to me, I smile but not really, and I tell him to find a vase because I don't have one. They're gonna be dead soon anyway, but whatever.

THAT'S WHY I WANTED AN ORCHID.

Happy valentine's day. I spent the morning dressed in my PJs watching the sopranos, then took a bath and half heartedly shaved my legs- I guess I owe it to my partner to look half decent in the sack.

I am uttlery convinced that Valentine's is destined to be miserable all around. Like, no one wins. Except the single people knowing that they are going home alone tonight! it's a beautiful thing.

x x x x x x!!!!!

coucou

c'est moi.

i am listening to a ricky gervais podcast now,

Thursday night- ive noticed that people manage to be in good moods on thurs night. Tonight in northampton the cold does not keep people home, there was a line for a crappy local burger.

well what is on my mind is a mix of confidence in saturn returns (do you know astrology?), it's the period at around 27-29 that makes you evaluate big time the direction you are going, and you fully become your adult self during this time. wikipedia it.

anyway. I am a little bit broke because around xmas I buy everything I ever wanted, and then I spend january eating beans from a can. one of those things I wanted was a pair of boots for $109 that I think i'm gonna return. you know when you just like, need to buy a certain object?

otherwise I'm just hoping to distill my little joys into jars this year. joys at hearing from friends from childhood, having the internet keep us all in contact even if we don't need all the info about random people you went to HS with, and letting it bring us joy! The other day on skype jen's face was like delayed from her speech and in slow motion, so I got to see her huge laughing smile for an extended time, and I loved it. x x x

cow udder

well hello. I had a crazy dream last night, and I woke up feeling like all parts of my brain had been through the car wash, ya know what I mean? Like everything was scrubbed clean.

In my dream I was going to perform "for" britney spears at like the Meadowlands or some big place. Like it was known and accepted that Brit had imposters cover for her just she's too busy to like, actually perform at her own show. Long story short, I was chosen to do it and I was 1) looking for a computer so that I could update my facebook status that I would soon be ghost-performing for like 1 million peeps. 2) realizing that I hadn't shaved my legs in months, and I would soon be wearing britney-style short shorts, but I had no time and plus I was too busy looking for a computer to get onto facebook. 3) suddenly aware that not only were my legs unshaved, I had apparently grown two udder-like growths on my upper thigh. I was self-conscious and hoping no one would notice from so far away. People, I had grown like COW UDDERS on my own legs. Actually, they were more like weird looking nipples.

Anyway. Hello by the way and whats been going on on? I've been busy having coolness standoffs with high schoolers. Yeah, I lose. pretty much I feel like a dorky dinosaur in front of them, but I guess that's not really the point? connecting with them? I find myself losing focus, like not really caring if anyone learns the conjugation for "boire" or what have you. Anyway. It's nice to have a niche. To have my name appear on report cards, etc. Gossip in the teachers' room. Except when they ask me "how" I am able to teach only 1 class. They are dancing around without saying it, that I must be independently wealthy or broke. I try to sincerely confirm their suspicions and explain that I am broke, but I need to start somewhere, and then thank them for rubbing it in.

I'm still looking for ways to move to Montreal. I am also still looking for ways to keep my serotonin flowing on a daily basis. Exercise is helping, and getting out of my house too. I now have a new ESL student who am I excited about tutoring, she is young like me and Japanese.

on this lazy saturday, I am almost done reading Joy Behar's book. What a hoot, that woman. She inspires me, I think I've told you, and she started out as an English teacher. I'd love to meet her someday.

okay, I have to go get remy at umass now. we may do recycling tonight, sounds like a fabulous saturday night huh!

Toodle loo.

nov 8

Bonjour.

le 7 novembre 2009.

Whats been going on lately? Well I will try to tell you.

Had a giggly phone call chat with Jen this morning. the topic du jour was the Hs reunion. I imagine it will be much like a high school cafeteria, who is sitting with whom? Who is gonna start dancing + everyone will follow? At first glance I'm pretty sure it is a waste of time + money (it's 80 bucks). But then I don't know. It could be nice to see what everyone is doing, see who is fat or pregnant, who used to be pretty but now ugly.

Dave is going partly because it is a challenge for him to tell everyone that he has been living at his parents'/seeking spiritual and physical healing continuously over the past few years while everyone else has been working 9-5. He was the valedictorian so people will be expecting great things.

My barometer of living lately is hopeful about the future + trying to to say "fuck everyone" who stresses me out at the moment. That being asshole students, teachers, administrators. I have reached an honest moment in my career where I do not know if I would like to continue in classroom teaching. I just don't know if I really give a shit if kids learn French or do their homework. I really don't care.I was not put on this earth to care about that.

And it bothers me how teachers are put on some sort of moral pedastal, like in being teachers we are intrinsically moral police and law enforcers. That is alot of pressure to carry in one career.

The teachers who freak me out the most are people who I think go home and continue to be teachers. Like Mr. B______. I feel bad for them. they go home and they are still "Mr. B________". They microwave their dinner as Mr. B______. That must be where all the transgression happens, like when you play the teacher role for so often, you spend your life crushed by this responsibility, one day you go online + look for naughty things to jerk off to. Who knows.

All I know is that my students do NOT think that I am cool, no matter how cool I think I am, and they are always looking for a reason to hate me. I feel a little bit pathetic when I try to join a coversation with girls on the volleyball team about winter leagues. Like in some respect we are all that guy on Napolean Dynamite videotaping himself throwing the football, imagining if Coach had just put him in during the 4th quarter, they could've won state back in 86. Working with teenagers just magnifies this patheticness.

I recently have developed love feelings for Joy Behar. She has her own show so I watch it even when it's about boring things like the economy. She reminds me of me, I guess. She asks very honest questions of her guests and I flipped when she said that she used to teach high school English. I think us performer types must be attracted to teaching, because there is an audience every day. I would like to go to Forbes tomorrow + pick up "Joy Schtick" - a humor book by her.

remind: Call Tapestry

remind: forbes library

This past week I have been off bc cuz its the mestruation week, and I think I've noticed an elevation in my overall mood. Well, I have had a few "flirty" moments with dudes, and I am owing to feeling more in touch with my fertility. There was a volleyball dude at the gym, and I made sure to give him "a look". He was behind me on the elliptical machine, so he had a nice view of my ass + thighs.

Then there was a dude with a look for me at trader joes. I remember those moments from back when I was single. Now I am usually with my sig other, and we are arguing about whether we should buy eggs or over how quickly we go through coffee. I think he uses too much in the morning.

Speaking of sig other, he is currently with my car at Aikido. It's cute that he has gotten into this little activity, he goes like all the time + is always talking about it. He makes friends with aikido dudes too, and I am happy for him. We all need to water our "jardin secret"...

I currently am lamenting having very few friends. In my experience friends either get too pregnant to be friends, too religious to be a friend, too chronically ill to be friends, too much drama to just chill out + be my friend. There is also the predicament of friends being friends with someone you used to be friends with but not anymore. And then those people have a conspiratorial air and you can't really trust them, because they might go talking about you to that friend and blah blah blah. Then there are friends who every time you try to hang out with them they bring along their friend who you don't want to become friends with. And you are like, 'why did you bring so-and-so?". That's how I feel about 1 friend. She either brings a latina friend who is all "positive energy" and loves to go dancing or she brings her muslim friend who is shocked if I hold hands with my boyfriend in front of her. No intimacy can therefore happen and it's a waste of friend time for everyone.

voila for now.

jazz

well hello...

a little weekly update for my loyal fans. it is sunday night, I have the sunday vibe, latina music is on the radio, and R is preparing sushi (well WE are, but now I'm bloggin). we had a little burst of energy this afternoon at the international market looking for sushi fixins. I also cracked open a little champagne, I'm sure there is something out there that needs celebrating.

this weekend has been un-weekendly, well I was awoken early by my landlord's loud fricking voice outside my window, and I worked both days. R came to get me after work y'day + we had a sampler (4 half pints) of locally brewed beer at NBC. yummy. (you're probably noticing the trend of having no other friends besides each other) yeah. well we do like hangin out together so thats fortunate. We just survey the crowd and categorize people into two groups: people getting laid tonight, people not getting laid and analyze our research. I guess that is 'boring couple' of us, but whatev.

Part of the reason I started this blog is because I always knew my inner monologue is a bit incoherent & lacking clear transitions. Mental health wise, I know therapists say that depression starts to resemble this: lack of sentences, paragraphs, in the inner existence. Just static doldrum. So I'm trying to be my own antidepressant lately, which requires alot of introspection. Part of this so-called looking inward has me noticing how I have like no boundaires up for myself. For example, when my phone rings + its my mom I generally always answer it. Like I anticipate that she will have some lisa news, or else I have the classic "what if she's in an emergency" or what have you. So I pick up. and I am realizing that for my own mental sanity I need to be able to say "no" to the barrage of phone calls. Like, there should be times where I am in the middle of growing as a twenty-something, and can't answer the phone. I'd like to take a survey of how often you talk to your mom on the phone, because my average is about every other fricking day. Back in college I remember I instinctually told my mom to stop calling so much. Looking back, I'm really proud I was so in touch with my needs. I knew I was in a state of constant growth + I needed emotional space. Now I feel like I let anyone into that space, like any time is a good time to disturb me.

Same thing with email. Like I generally have my computer open, and if gmail tells me I have a new message I will generally stop what I am doing to go online. Some saturdays + sundays, I'm like, I know no one is emailing me, but I can't say no to the internet. I wish I could say "Any email messages I may have can wait". Once upon a time, when the internet was new, all I knew how to do online was email! and I think I would spend 5 mins online because I didn't know what other sites to visit. And its quite boring to sit + wait for an email to appear. You may as well go live your life...

x x x voila c'est tout. Demain I'm gonna play cupid un peu pour mon amie Katie. c'est cool, j'aime bien faire ca. ce mec est gentil, je l'ai rencontre une fois, et voila j'espere que c pas trop chiant.