dream

 ok ok. really quick. 

had invited Alex over. he was inside, then i received other guests, and had to greet them outside. 

shray (former student)

Alvin (from nhapton)

Peter mallett (from cci)

alvin was naked, presuming that we were going to have sex. Peter wanted to talk about something heavy and work out his issues through our conflicts. I hugged Alvin and my body language said "goodbye". Shray and I embraced for a good moment. I felt our hearts truly connected and didn't want to let go. He had no age -- our souls connected.

Peter and I spoke and I was helping him spiritually get through the mud.

As I left my apartment to greet them, Alex said "Who are you sleeping with?"

téléphone

 Je vs ai pas dit que mon téléphone portable est morte. cassé, décédé. Alors je réfléchis à ça aujourd'hui. QQchose est mort. je suis coupée de mon réseau, personne peut me contacter. Si j'entends un téléphone sonne, ce n'est pas le mien. ca fait bizaaaaa. je profite pour me respirer un peu. De toute façon, je ne pouvais rien faire avec mon téléphone icitte, à part envoyer des textos. mais je ne peux plus prendre des photos, ça craint.

Chu en deuil, merci pour vos condolescences. le cycle de vie...

XO

du coup

de suite/ de fil = consecutive

Du coup il a fini par faire beau. Je me sens vraiment con, bête... 

Pourquoi j'insiste à tellement rester seule, 'me reposer' alors que passer des moments ensemble avec le group m'aurait fait du bien. J'avais juste trop de voix, des commentaires des autres en tête... ça commençait par Paul, mon nouveau ami, qui m'avait déconseillé d'y aller... disant que ça vraiment quétaine comme excursion. il m'avait plutôt décourager... pis y avait Josée et Louis qui disait ' reste ici, il va pleuvoir..." alors qu'il fait vraiment beau. Bon. Ce qui est fait est fait. 

Cet instinct de toujours préférer rester dans mon coin, me pousser jamais trop loin, c quoi ça?

Je regrette un peu de ne pas y être allée. Mais je peux rien y faire, comme dirait Louis, je m'avance vers l'avant, je me retourne pas vers le passé...

Tout ça pour dire, quel est mon problème?  Je me considère come introvertie, alors cela me sert de béquille et comme excuse de ne jamais sortir. Ou seulement quand je suis en forme, ou quand il fait beau..

On a parlé de famille hier au souper, avec Paul on a parlé de l'inquiètude au sein de la famille. il se fait de souci qd maman appelle, il se demande pkoi il l'aime. Louis s'est fait renié par sa famille, même s'il a practiquement élévé son frère tout seul. Ca fait aujourd'hui 2 ans que son frère est décédé. 

Et moi..... tout ça pour me dire que mes anges me parlent, les reoncontres que je fais ici, les sujets et thèmes qui reviennent sont:

l'anxiété. Aujourd'hui je ne peux pas faire autre que 'mon mieux'. Une journée est bien vécue si je peux me dire ça en me couchant le soir.

Me sentir comme "assez bon" dans ma vie professionelle

M'exprimer vis à vis à l'art. ECRIRE. DESSINER. donner une voix à mon expérience en tant qu'être humaine

ETRE HEUREUSE

le livre que j'ai téléchargé hier HEAL YOUR BODY, ça parle de tout ça... mes problèmes urinaires (sexy!) viennent d'une fausse pensée que j'ai de profond en moi. mantra: "je suis safe". "i can let joy into my life and release that which is no longer necessary"

Bon j'ai assez parlé de moi même là là. à un autre jour.

XO tami

cut off

 hello, I am at the canadian border at the moment enjoying wifi and will write you a message. 

I have been thinking about if "gratitude" actually fucking works. I even google something like "do gratitude lists really fucking work" because every time I read an article about why I am depressed and what I am doing that needs fixing, they mention "gratitude". I will ease up on the drama, but I have felt a bit anxious/ blue/ sensitive/ irritable the past few weeks. 

I truly am grateful for a suitcase I bought from Dakine. it is so roomy, has different compartments, and isn't like cumbersome like a typical suitcase. It rolled easily in between the rows of this amtrak train today. It was somewhat expensive but a fabulous investment.

I am grateful for this amazing dog I have. Sometimes he makes me feel sad because I love him beyond words and the love is paired with the knowledge that his life will be shorter than mine. I also feel like he is sad or depressed sometimes but doesn't know how to tell me. 

I love the new name tag and collar that i got him yesterday (the collar is like punk rocky with spikes, and the name tag has some blue swarovski crystals)

I am grateful to my job. As much anxiety is causes me sometimes, now that the summer is here it's clear what gifts it has brought me. I am able to live in a central location in the hudson valley with no bills or rent, there is serious vacation time, the students are amazing, I am given so much freedom as a teacher to build my classes in the way I want, I am able to seek professional development to stay fresh and energized, and most pressing, I will likely be moving into a gorgeous apartment (fingers crossed) far from students, private, I won't tell you any more so as to not jinx it. When I see that my hard work is valued, that my presence is vital to the community, I feel very rewarded, in both a spiritual and tactile sense.

Still at the border, so let me drum up some more gratitude. Why the hell not, bloody "gratitude" preachers! My dad drove me to the train station today and took my dog to babysit. I am grateful to have them so close to me, and we can be in each other's lives more regularly. Something to cherish. Blah blah blah... now off to watch the canadian countryside. 

XO

re coucou, édition été

I  have been waiting to talk to you. for the perfect moment. that is always how it is. 

My mind has been in executive function today. I am going to Northern Quebec in 2 or 3 weeks and I have been unsure if I should drive or take the train. I chose train and am looking forward to looking out the window and just relaxing. not driving. Although the freedom of driving was alluring. 

We ended the school year, I am battling feelings of loneliness and anxiety, and am wondering if I can get a travel experience in before Quebec. Like a weekend road trip of some sort. 

Sorry u have to listen to these thoughts. Like the bumbling of my brain. I had to say goodbye to a friend. He was a young man from Western MA. He disrespected me and made me regret my actions. I had an opening of my heart around that time. I trusted many people and allowed for areas of grey. I don't need to regret my heart opening, but I can recognize when it's time to say goodbye and cut someone from my life. Yes, his energy will take time to leave me, but I intentionally said goodbye and deleted him from FB.

That situation reminds me how rarely I get annoyed by people or react violently. As kaypacha says, it's normal to get mad/ irritable. And cut people off. More than I do. Not all behavior is acceptable. 

It busted open a wound that is hard to talk about here. Just a very serious error I made. It had no real consequences. The consequences it COULD have had, that is. But it has weighed hard on me. I made a mistake. I have repented. I have seen my error. I have self-chastised. I have chastised myself. I have felt ashamed. I have asked myself "why". I have tried to be kind to myself, forgive forgive forgive. I have swept the experience under the rug. Felt ashamed at the stupidness and the fucking recklessness of my behavior. Doesn't sound like someone who has "forgiven" themselves, amirite?   All I can do is a daily kindness and self-love. I can only move forward from my error. And be "grateful to the universe" that I did not have to experience an actual punishment. For this reason I believe that the universe believes that this error was an outlier to otherwise correct behavior. I believe that too. I believe that too. I can move on. I won't ever forget my error. But I can learn from it and move on in life. I am allowed to move forward.  

The past few days  I have drastically altered my online presence. (that is, to "public" view). People who aren't my friends cannot see what they used to see. On linkedin my current employer and employment history is hidden to the public. Same on facebook. I feel like cutting more and more information on my social media presence, you know what I mean?  Like I am tagged in photographs from 2007. weddings, nights out, etc. I have the acute feeling that I am carrying around the past. It's enough to make me go on a slashing spree of facebook friends. Yes and no. Because those are all connections I have cultivated. In my varied life. But it's enough for me to say "if you want to know where I work, you can ask me". and in that same vein, I don't want to say anything in public. I used to be more reckless and now I A) don't want to appear every 5 minutes in people's newsfeed talking about something banal B) I don't want that many people to know what I think

coucou

 Salut nobody,

It was a weird day. I am in my house now, it snowed for most of the day, only to sort of stop right as I was resigning myself to staying in for the night. Leon bailed, Tracy bailed, leaving me to make the choice to go myself to Kingston, or stay at home among my creature family, drinking Namaste Dogfish beer, out of danger's way, writing in my diary. You know which choice was more appealing, and the one I chose. Winter often presents quandries like that. 

I learned some news today, for which I am grateful to my adopted community of Jen's friends. Jen was never wild about my current crush. She very Jen-ly told me "He's a schmuck".... in regards to how he blew me off about twice, told me he has me on the back burner. Ouch. but true words, coming from a friend who sees my worth perhaps clearer than I do. That's how it goes with girls. I was so hateful toward her Steve. Hated that she had to go through that mud. But knew to shut my mouth after awhile. We all have to walk through our various mud. Without commentary from our friends. In any rate, I feel grateful today for the commentary. It was revealed that this guy I have so slightly been 'seeing' is in fact seeing someone else. And it was revealed today that he in fact is doing more than seeing her. Which nicely explains his hot-and-cold, making plans with me, then backpedalling, flaking, then seeming hot again, only to be aloof again. I gave the guy more passes than I ought have. Cuz of his tats and whatever. I put him on a pedestal. A human error. Anyway I just spend the afternoon erasing his contact info (I quickly put him in my address book, too quickly). 

Anyway it is Valentine's Day, an annoying coincidence, just the perfect time to review my relationship goals and wishes. How I want to feel -- prioritized. That someone would want to spend a snowstorm with me, just coming to understand me better. Or just co-exist, the way I do with my animals. It's the best. 

I just yelled at my 22 year old lover. It was probably the first time I expressed something to him in an urgent, annoyed, disappointed, real way. He did something stupid. As 22 year olds do.

I remember being yelled at by my 38 year old lover when I was 22. it was scary. In retrospect, perhaps a bit manipulative/ abusive on his part. I remember I told him I would maybe visit, then I was in my parents pool, on the phone with him. He told me he was tired of being "jerked around" by me. He was the one getting 22 year old pussy. I don't feel sorry now for him. 

I am reading Iyanla's book on love. She is the Queen. it is late, I feel tired and I will go read it now. 

dead of winter

 currently at duty in dorm. Wondering for how long this will be my life. Married to my job seems the most apt analogy. 

Have inspiration sometimes to write, to be poetic, to be real, to connect with my audience like I used to. 

Did a lot today. Vacuumed, walked Nico, wrapped my UPS package, bought my plane ticket to St. John. Heard from Lexy about my summer job (ugh... why do I want to work here in the summer? I suppose it does pay well....) and potentially I could teach just enough to enjoy it. Am I trying to save money for.... what? I think its living off campus, but in reality I would like to live in a better apt on campus, without being a dorm parent. For 1 more year-ish.... and then who knows. Or maybe for 30 more years-ish.

Apparently mercury is in retrograde. Hard core. Saturday I had a bummer flaking date and communication seemed to be the crucial element lacking power or clarity.  I thought he had intended one thing and then he got all weird and sort of back pedaled. Ohhh well. It will arrange itself if it is destined to. It made me think about how I like maybe 5% of men. And when I do find one, it so rarely works out.... or so I've been telling myself. I talked about that in my last post. That need to stay eternally optimistic in the face of such chronic disappointment. Ok I'll get off my soap box for now. 

And then seeing this recent guy like hiding himself behind smoke + mirrors.  I used to do that. I wanted to hide, in the early stages-- appear like cooler than I felt, so I would be like "yeah, I have a party that night, but we could meet at this bar - my friend is gonna be showing his art" etc. So now it's curious to me to see this guy doing something similar, I think, or he is just not interested (possible). 

to be continued.